Learning How to Communicate With Your Teen
Have you ever wondered why your teenager doesn’t talk to you anymore? Do you miss the days when they came home excited to tell you everything that happened at school? Maybe you have friends whose teens seem to share everything with them, and you wish your relationship looked more like that. Learning how to communicate with your teen starts with becoming the kind of listener they feel safe talking to.
How to Communicate With Your Teen Without Judgment
Every week I sit across from dozens of adolescents in my counseling office. Early in therapy, I always ask whether they feel close to their parents. Some say yes, while others say no. Of the teens who say they feel close to their parents, nearly all have one thing in common: they don’t feel judged when they share what’s going on in their lives. The teens who don’t feel close to their parents often describe the opposite. They feel criticized, corrected, or lectured whenever they open up, so eventually they stop sharing.
It’s hard for us as parents to honestly evaluate ourselves. When learning how to communicate with your teen, you must ask yourself, ‘Am I being too judgmental?’ ‘Is the advice I mean to be helpful coming across as questioning the way my teen is handling the situation?’ ‘Am I distracted when my teen tries to talk to me?’ These are difficult questions, but answering them honestly is the first step toward having a more open relationship with your teen.
Unless they ask for it, try to refrain from giving your teen too much advice. If you have something you want to tell them, ask if they want to hear it first and then respect their decision. We need to guide our children when they’re making poor choices or talking about something harmful. But if your teenager is simply telling you how difficult a test was, they probably won’t want you to give them study tips. Often they simply want someone to listen.
Reflective Listening
For most people, reflective listening is difficult because our natural instinct is to help. When someone we love is struggling, we want to solve the problem for them. Unfortunately, this often backfires with teenagers. Many teens interpret unsolicited advice as criticism, even when it comes from a loving place. As a result, they become less likely to share in the future.
How to Communicate With Your Teen Through Better Listening
Effective listening begins by minimizing distractions. That may sound obvious, but it makes a tremendous difference. Put your phone down, pause or turn off the television, sit with your teen, and give them your full attention. It’s okay to ask them to do the same. Also remember that not every teenager communicates the same way. Many teens, especially boys, actually talk more openly when they aren’t making direct eye contact. Sitting side by side while driving or taking a walk together may lead to a much deeper conversation than sitting across from one another.
If you want your teen to keep talking, resist the urge to immediately comment or give advice. You don’t have to approve of everything they say, but you also don’t have to evaluate every situation they describe. For example, if your teenager tells you about something one of their friends did, simply nod, listen, and encourage them to continue.
There are certainly situations where you need to step in—such as if a friend is talking about suicide or another serious safety concern. But if they’re telling you about a classmate who cheated on homework, try not to immediately label that teen as a bad friend. Cheating is wrong, but there may be fear or desperation to improve a grade behind that choice. Your goal in that moment is to keep the conversation open, not to pass judgment on someone your teen knows. This is one of the keys to learning how to communicate with your teen.
Be Patient With the Process
If you don’t currently have a very open relationship with your teenager, don’t lose heart. Strong communication takes time to build. Be patient, stay consistent, and keep showing your teen that you are a safe person to talk to. More often than not, teenagers want their parents’ love, attention, and support. Be patient, stay consistent, and keep showing your teen that you are a safe person to talk to. Over time, those small moments of listening without judgment build trust, and trust is what leads to deeper conversations.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,