by Lauren Goodman | Jun 20, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
What to Do When You Have a Sneaky Teen
If you’re wondering what to do about a sneaky teen, start by understanding why the behavior is happening in the first place. Few things are more frustrating than discovering your teenager has been sneaking around behind your back. You have rules. You communicate your expectations clearly. In many cases, you would probably say yes if they simply asked permission. Yet somehow they continue to hide things, bend the truth, or go around the boundaries you’ve set. What makes this so painful isn’t usually the behavior itself. It’s the damage it does to trust.
Hardly any parents are trying to control every aspect of their teenager’s life. They simply want an honest relationship. They want their teen to trust that reasonable requests will be considered fairly, and they want to trust that their child is being truthful about where they are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing. The reasons behind sneaky behavior can vary, so understanding what’s driving it is an important first step.
What to Do When Their Behavior is Dangerous
If you suspect your teenager is hiding drug use, sexual activity, criminal behavior, or anything else that could put their safety at risk, that needs immediate attention. The advice in this article is not meant to minimize serious concerns. However, many parents find themselves dealing with a teen who isn’t engaging in dangerous behavior but still feels the need to be dishonest. In those situations, it’s worth asking yourself a difficult question: Why does my teenager feel the need to sneak? You may not know the answer right away, but understanding their motivation will help know what to do about a sneaky teen and help you respond more effectively.
How Often Are You Saying No?
One common reason teenagers sneak is because they believe asking permission is pointless. Whether that perception is accurate or not, they may feel convinced that every request will be denied. Over time, some teens stop asking altogether and begin finding ways around the rules instead.
I once worked with a teenage boy who frequently said, “It’s easier to get forgiveness than ask permission.” In his mind, that wasn’t a joke—it was a strategy. He believed it was the only way he would ever be allowed to date, attend a party, or even participate in harmless teenage antics like toilet papering a friend’s house. That doesn’t excuse the dishonesty, but it does help explain it. Sometimes sneaking isn’t driven by rebellion. Sometimes it’s driven by a teenager’s belief that honesty won’t get them anywhere.
When a Teen is Sneaking to Avoid Disapproval
Of course, there are also teenagers who sneak because they want to do something they know their parents would never allow but they believe is harmless. Technology provides endless opportunities for this.
Many teens hide social media accounts, download questionable apps, communicate with people they shouldn’t be talking to, or engage with content they know would concern their parents. They aren’t necessarily trying to hurt anyone. They simply don’t want the activity interrupted. When this is the reason behind the sneaking, the issue isn’t a lack of freedom. It’s a lack of willingness to be accountable. Understanding which situation you’re dealing with matters because the solution may look very different.
The Best Thing to Do About a Sneaky Teen Is Start With Connection
When parents discover dishonesty, their first instinct is often punishment. Sometimes consequences are necessary, but they shouldn’t be your starting point. Instead, sit down with your teenager and have an honest conversation about what’s happening. Tell them how their behavior affects you and why it hurts you. Explain that the issue isn’t simply the rule they broke—it’s the erosion of trust that comes with the secrecy.
Ask questions and listen carefully to the answers. How do they feel about the relationship right now? Why do they think they keep sneaking? What would help them be more honest moving forward? Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than accusation. You may learn something important, and your teenager may be more willing to change if they feel heard instead of attacked.
What to Do About a Sneaky Teen When Talking Isn’t Enough
If you’ve had multiple conversations and nothing changes, it’s time to become more structured. Clearly explain what behaviors need to stop and what consequences will follow if they continue. Be specific. Vague warnings rarely work with teenagers. Just as importantly, follow through.
You don’t need to yell, lecture, or make dramatic threats. Calm consistency is far more effective than emotional reactions. When your teen lies or sneaks, administer the consequence you outlined. However, when they tell the truth—even when it’s difficult—remember to acknowledge that too. Parents sometimes become so focused on correcting dishonesty that they forget to reinforce honesty. Both are important.
What to Do About a Sneaky Teen Who Keeps Breaking Trust
If the sneaking continues despite conversations and consequences, you may need to temporarily reduce your teenager’s freedom. That might mean increased supervision, fewer privileges, more accountability, or greater involvement in their daily activities. Think of it this way: freedom grows where trust grows.
When trust is repeatedly damaged, it makes sense for parents to increase oversight until that trust is rebuilt. The key is making sure your teenager understands the connection between their choices and the restrictions that follow. You want them to think, “I lost this privilege because I wasn’t trustworthy,” not, “My parents are unfair.” When consequences feel logical and connected to behavior, they are much more likely to teach the lesson you’re hoping to teach.
Remember That Trust Can Be Rebuilt
If you’re dealing with a sneaky teenager, you’re certainly not alone. Parents in this situation often feel angry, hurt, worried, and exhausted. Some even begin questioning whether they’ll ever be able to trust their child again. The good news is that most teenagers mature significantly over time. Character develops. Judgment improves. Relationships heal.
Stay focused on the long-term goal rather than winning every short-term battle. Continue setting appropriate boundaries. Continue holding your teen accountable. Continue looking for opportunities to connect. Most importantly, don’t let their dishonesty stop you from loving them well. Trust may be damaged today, but with patience, consistency, and effort from both sides, it can absolutely be rebuilt.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 4, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
Why Positive Reinforcement for Teens Matters
When I was an intern, my supervisor often gave parents one simple piece of advice: “Catch your kid being good.” She explained that by the time many parents bring their teenager into counseling, they are already exhausted and overwhelmed. Exasperated parents often become impatient parents. Impatient parents become overly focused on the negative. Over time, this can create a relationship filled with criticism and frustration. Positive reinforcement for teens helps break this cycle.
How Negative Cycles Develop with Teenagers
I see this regularly in my counseling office. Most of the parents I work with deeply love their teenagers. They are not bad parents. Usually, they are simply overwhelmed and unsure how to help their teen stay on track.
Because of this, some parents fall into the habit of constantly correcting behavior as they see it. While correction may be necessary, this usually only works if the parent-teen relationship is in a good place. However, if the relationship feels strained, constant criticism can make teenagers become more defensive, irritable, or withdrawn.
Positive Reinforcement for Teens Through Encouragement
If you think you may be stuck in this cycle with your teenager, try something different for one week. As my former supervisor, used to say: “Catch your kid being good.” What does that mean?
Parents are usually quick to notice bad behavior. If a teenager lies, sneaks around, gets a poor grade, or talks back, parents naturally feel they need to address it. But when teenagers are respectful, honest, or responsible, parents often stay quiet because they see those things as expected. Instead of only commenting on the negative, try noticing the small positive things your teenager does each day. Positive reinforcement for teens often goes a long way in helping the parent-teen relationship.
Catch Your Teenager Being Good
For the next week, try making encouraging comments when your teenager is simply doing the normal “right” things. Maybe you come home and notice they already started their homework on their own. Instead of saying, “See? Isn’t it easier when you start early?” try saying something like: “That’s awesome that you took initiative and got your work done.”
If your teenager clears their dish after dinner, thank them. Try to resist the urge to immediately follow praise with another correction. For example, avoid saying: “Thanks for clearing your plate, but don’t forget you also need to wipe down the table.” Positive reinforcement for teens works best when encouragement feels genuine.
Small Encouragement Can Change Your Relationship
You have more influence over the tone of your relationship with your teenager than you may realize. A few encouraging words about the small things can completely change the atmosphere between you and your child. Teenagers almost always respond well when they feel noticed, respected, and appreciated. There is a very good chance your teenager will continue repeating behaviors that bring positive connection and encouragement from you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Apr 17, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
How to Build Confidence in Teens Through the Parent Relationship
Figuring out how to build confidence in teens can be challenging. One of the main places teens gain confidence is through their relationship with their parents. When a parent does too much for a teen, it can actually hurt their ability to believe in themselves.
How to Build Confidence in Teens by Letting Them Do More
I’ve worked with many families where this happens. A mom or dad loves their child so deeply that they can’t stand to see them struggle or get hurt. So, they step in and help with everything. They help them study for tests, arrange private lessons for sports, give them a car at 16, or buy their teen whatever clothes are in style. While this comes from love, it can actually hurt the teenager in the long run.
What Happens When Parents Do Too Much
I see this often in my office. A teenager feels frustrated with one or both parents. When we talk about why, the teen says they aren’t allowed to do anything for themselves. They often see the constant help as condescending or as a sign their parents don’t believe in them. When this happens, it blocks you from building confidence in your teen.
A Real Life Example of This
One girl told me that when her mom asked if she studied for her math test, she took it to mean her mom didn’t trust her to handle it. But when I spoke with the mom, she explained that she was simply trying to help her daughter avoid feeling upset if she forgot to study. I encouraged the mom to let her daughter handle these things herself. That sends the message, “I believe you are capable.” Constant reminders can send the opposite message.
How to Build Confidence in Teens by Allowing Responsibility
Parents, if you’re not giving your teen responsibility that matches their age, you may accidentally be sending the message that you don’t believe in them. Nearly every parent who does this means well. They’re trying to make life easier and help their teen avoid painful consequences. But sometimes those consequences are exactly what help teens grow.
For example, say your teen waits until the last minute to start an essay and gets a low grade. That experience may teach a stronger lesson than constant reminders ever could. You can always offer to help them make a better plan next time. Just make sure it’s up to them to come to you for help after you’ve offered.
Exceptions
While allowing your teen to fail and then learn from the consequences can be a good thing, it’s important to know that this does not apply to every situation. If your teen is engaging in dangerous activities or experimenting with drugs or alcohol, it is not okay to hope they get hangover and decide not to it again. These are situations where intervention is vital.
Final Thoughts on How to Build Confidence in Teens
If you want your teenager to know you believe in them and to grow in confidence, give them room to do things on their own. Don’t be afraid of small failures. A small metaphorical scrape on the knees today can help prevent a broken leg in the future.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Mar 26, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
Understanding Mental Health Stigma in Teens
For people who struggle with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, OCD, and other challenges, it can be hard to talk openly with family and friends. For teens, this is often even harder. Mental health stigma in teens is very real, and peer reactions can feel unpredictable.
On the surface, many teens seem accepting. But behind the scenes, there can be gossip and a lack of confidentiality. In my work with teenagers, I’ve seen that they are not always great at keeping sensitive information private. If your teen shares something personal—like taking medication—there’s a good chance others may eventually hear about it.
Two Common Approaches Parents Consider
Because of this, parents are often left choosing between two approaches.
Approach #1
The first is to encourage teens to keep their mental health struggles private. While this may protect them from teasing or judgment, it can also unintentionally create shame. It can also put teens in uncomfortable situations too. For example, if they go to spend the night at a friends house and need to take a pill before going to bed, their friend may be curious. Since they’ve been told to keep their struggles private, your teen will feel compelled to lie.
Approach #2
The second approach is to help your teenager work through feelings of shame. I often remind my clients that even if they don’t realize it, several of their peers are also in therapy or taking medication. I try to help them realize that probably some of the popular, athletic, or high-achieving kids at their school are getting support too. Nearly everyone has emotional struggles at some point in their life, and when teens realize this, they start to feel less self-conscious about their own struggles.
Helping Teens Feel Confident Despite Mental Health Stigma
When teens begin to feel confident in who they are, regardless of a diagnosis, something shifts. They stop seeing their struggles as something to hide. And when that confidence grows, their peers often follow their lead. If your teen is comfortable, others tend to be more comfortable too.
There’s also a real benefit to having a few trusted friends who know what’s going on. On hard days, those friends can offer support in a way that wouldn’t be possible otherwise.
A Real-Life Example
I worked with a teen who struggled with OCD. Some of her behaviors were noticeable in social settings. Instead of hiding it, she chose to be open and matter-of-fact. She would simply say she had OCD and move on—even laugh about it at times.
Her friends quickly became more comfortable. They followed her lead. Over time, something unexpected happened—other teens began opening up to her about their own struggles. Because she refused to give in to mental health stigma in teens, she became a safe and supportive person for others.
Why Reducing Mental Health Stigma in Teens Matters
Stigma makes people want to hide. It convinces them to deal with things alone. Unfortunately, that usually makes the struggle harder. When I went through an eating disorder in high school, I didn’t tell anyone. It wasn’t until later, when I became more open, that I started getting the support I needed. That support was the beginning of real healing. That’s what you want for your teen—not isolation, but connection and support.
How Not Giving In to Mental Health Stigma in Teens Helps
Helping your teen navigate mental health stigma isn’t easy. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. But reducing shame and encouraging safe, supportive connections can make it that much better.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Mar 26, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
What It Means When Teens Don’t Listen
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is a psychological diagnosis usually seen in children and teens. It describes a consistent pattern of defiant, disobedient, and disrespectful behavior—most often directed toward authority figures. When teens don’t listen in a persistent, across-the-board way, it can sometimes point to something deeper than typical teenage behavior. Understanding Oppositional Defiant Disorder can help you determine whether you’re teen is just being disobedient or if something more is going on.
A Realistic Example
Here’s an hypothetical example. Imagine a 12-year-old named Michael. Over the past year, he has become increasingly argumentative with his parents. He ignores requests, pushes back on almost everything, and often does the exact opposite of what he’s asked. Usually there is no clear logic to his choices other than the fact that someone told him not to do it. This behavior shows up at school too. He talks back to teachers, gets in trouble frequently, and reacts negatively to assignments or expectations. In situations like this, the issue isn’t just occasional attitude—it’s a consistent pattern.
When teens don’t listen, it’s frustrating. However, if their behavior is as severe as the example above, it may be Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
Oppositional Defiant Disorder vs. Conduct Disorder
It’s important to understand what ODD is not. Teens with oppositional defiant disorder typically do not engage in serious rule-breaking behaviors like aggression, theft, or violence. When behavior crosses into those areas, a different diagnosis—such as Conduct Disorder—may be considered. ODD is more accurately described as a persistent pattern of defiance and negative attitude across many situations.
Why Understanding Oppositional Defiant Disorder Is So Challenging
ODD can be especially difficult for parents and therapists because these teens often resist authority by default. They may feel the need to argue, push back, or challenge direction, even when it doesn’t benefit them.
For therapists, the challenge is building a relationship where the teen feels understood—not controlled—while still maintaining clear boundaries.
What Helps When Teens Don’t Listen
From my experience working with teens, there are a few key strategies that make a difference when dealing with oppositional defiant disorder.
1. Catch Them Being Good
Teens with ODD often don’t respond to discipline in the typical way. In fact, discipline can sometimes feel like a challenge to them rather than a correction or a chance to think about their actions. That’s why it’s so important to notice and reinforce positive behavior instead of only punishing negative behavior. When teens are acknowledged and praised for doing something right, they begin to see that their needs can be met without conflict.
2. Stay Steady and Consistent
When understanding Oppositional Defiant Disorder, it’s important to realize that giving in to your child will reward their behavior. Try staying emotionally grounded. Your teen may push, test, or try to get a reaction—but your role is to remain steady.
You can be loving and firm at the same time. When teens don’t listen don’t withdraw your care, but don’t let their behavior pull you into inconsistency either. Make sure your teen understands that no matter how much they push, you won’t change what you originally told them. Over time, this creates a sense of stability and safety.
3. Keep Emotions Low
One of the most important things to remember is that anger doesn’t help, especially when talking to a teen with ODD. Yelling, arguing, or trying to win the argument will escalate the situation.
A calm, steady tone is much more effective. When you keep your emotional response low, it creates space for more productive interaction. While this isn’t easy, it’s one of the most effective ways to work through challenges with a teen who is dealing with ODD.
Final Thoughts on Understanding Oppositional Defiant Disorder
Oppositional Defiant Disorder can be incredibly frustrating for parents. It requires patience, consistency, and a different approach than traditional discipline. The encouraging news is that ODD often resolves itself after a few years, and can improve even faster with the right help. Staying consistent, reinforcing positive behavior, and avoiding power struggles can make a meaningful difference.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Feb 25, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
When Sleep Gets Pushed Aside
Teens often end up prioritizing school, sports, homework, social life, and texting above sleep. There is enough time in a day to do all these things—but only barely. If your teen isn’t managing their schedule carefully, sleep is usually the first thing to go. This makes helping your teen get enough sleep vital.
Why Helping Your Teen Get Enough Sleep Matters
The average teenager needs about 9 hours of sleep each night. If your teen has to wake up at 6:30 a.m. to get ready for school, that means falling asleep around 9:30 p.m. For most teens, that simply isn’t happening. Many sleep about 6 hours per night during the week and then try to “catch up” by sleeping 12 or more hours per night on the weekend.
Lack of sleep affects more than just energy levels. Teens who don’t get enough rest are more likely to struggle with mood swings, irritability, low motivation, and even symptoms of depression. They may have trouble focusing in school, remembering information, or staying organized. Sleep loss can also weaken the immune system, worsen acne, increase cravings for sugar and caffeine, and contribute to weight gain. This is why sleep is so important,
Practical Ways of Helping Your Teen Get Enough Sleep
Sleep needs to be a top priority. As a parent, this may be one area where you have to set firm boundaries. Aim for at least 8 to 8.5 hours of actual sleep on school nights. It’s also important to make sure that your teen is not on their phone while in bed. Oftentimes checking a few quick social media posts or watching a few videos can turn into hours of scrolling.
Many teens don’t have the self-control to turn off devices or stop texting so they can finish homework earlier. You may need to limit device use at night, set a household cutoff time, or require phones to charge outside the bedroom. It probably won’t be popular, but it can make a huge difference.
I’ve worked with many teens who came to counseling for depression. Once we focused on helping them get enough sleep, their mood improved quickly. They felt more energized, were kinder at home, performed better in school, and were overall happier.
Understanding the Challenge of Helping Your Teen Get Enough Sleep
There is also a biological factor to consider. Teenagers experience a shift in their circadian rhythm. Unlike young children or adults, teens naturally feel more awake at night and want to sleep later in the morning. This isn’t just irresponsibility—it’s biology.
The problem is that most high schools fairly early. So teens stay up late because their bodies feel awake, then struggle to get up when the alarm goes off. This makes helping your teen get enough sleep even more important. It takes teamwork, structure, and consistency.
How More Sleep Can Make a Difference
Some things at this stage are negotiable, but sleep should not be one of them. Consistent, healthy sleep can improve mood, focus, behavior, and overall well-being.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
