Love your teens with grace, affection and rules. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Parenting a Teen
Parenting a teen is different than an elementary aged child. How does your role as a mom change once your child becomes an adolescent? This is a question I am asked in some form or another on a regular basis in my therapy practice.
1. You still help with physical needs.
While you are no longer physically brushing your child’s teeth, you are making sure their teeth are cared for. You take them to the dentist, orthodontist, buy their toothpaste, etc.
You still make sure your teenager is getting a balanced diet too. This is actually a challenge for a mom of teenagers because teens go out to eat with their friends. Help them limit this activity to a healthy level and make sure the food available at home is good for them.
Perhaps most importantly, make sure your teenager is getting enough sleep. I see parents let off the gas on the bedtime when their children are still way to young to manage this with maturity. If they aren’t usually getting 8 hours of sleep per night, they aren’t managing it well on their own.
2. Character development.
To the best of your ability expect your teenager to behave in a way that lines up with the adult you hope they’ll be. As you parent your teen, avoid saying to yourself, “They’re just kids and they’ll grow out of this.” If your teen is drinking, smoking, sneaking out, etc. it’s a good idea to reign them in. You also want to help them develop integrity, honesty, perseverance and responsibility.
3. Love.
Your teenager absolutely still needs a lot of love and affirmation. Just because they’ve lost that baby cuteness doesn’t mean they don’t want to snuggle sometimes. Even if they are cold when you touch them, they still need it. Be careful not to put pressure on them to meet your needs for affection though. That sometimes drives them away from you. They need to hear you’re proud of them and that you believe they will make it when they step out into the world.
4. More space.
More and more your adolescent needs the room to venture out. You are their safety net but no longer their director. They should be able to choose their own friends, own extra-curriculars, and own interests. When they “skin their knees” they need you to help them get back up, but they no longer need complete insulation from ever possibly “skinning their knees.”
Parenting a Teen: So Much Change
The transition from parenting a child to parenting an teen is full of nothing but change. It is up to you to demonstrate flexibility with the constant change. Continue to love your children as passionately as you ever have, but understand that it starts to look different. You are no longer the center of their world, you have been moved to the supporting cast. Even though your role is less central, you are still immeasurably important.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
There are always things to be thankful for if you’re looking. Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Finding Help for Teen Depression is Tough
Getting help for teen depression is hard. As a parent, your heart is breaking. You see your once vibrant adolescent struggling to come up for air. Your son or daughter is likely irritable, sullen, withdrawn, and does not feel zest for life. Consequently, you are left wondering what you should do.
A Story of Depression
I’m reading an incredible book right now. It’s called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The book is fairly auto-biographical, but only for a period of the author’s life. She starts out by explaining how regret, sadness, and bitterness pervade her life. More or less, she’s probably struggling with depression and some anxiety. She looks back at past events that really hurt her family growing up, and continues to have fears caused by those events.
Does Regret Play a Role in Your Teen’s Depression?
I think if we’re not very conscious to control regretful thoughts, they can affect all of us. There are always things to look back on that we should have done differently. I must have thousands of those types of choices. I’ve spent a good part of the last few days wishing I could redo last Friday, actually. Your teen needs help for depression because they fixate on regrets. These range from small things like a few poorly chosen words to big things like breaking up with someone. Adolescents with depression idealize how something ought to feel. As a result, they profoundly struggle with accepting that life is full of missteps and inequalities.
Ideas That Help with Teen Depression
One Thousand Gifts goes on to share how the author works through her depression and anxious moods. There are a few lessons to take from her, which I will go over in the next paragraph, but first let me tell you the basics of what she does to move on from her past. She leans hard into her Christian faith and recognizes one of the main tenants of Christianity is to be thankful IN all things (not FOR all things). This means finding something to be grateful for no matter what. She begins a list of 1,000 little joys that surround her. The list has the smallest things, like how incredible the different colors are in soap bubbles or how beautiful the sound is when her children play together. Surprisingly, these things are easy to overlook unless you’re paying attention; she finds she has been overlooking them for years.
1. Lean Into A Faith
The lessons from Voskamp’s story that can help with teen depression are as follows: First of all, while not all of you reading this are Christian, most of you probably believe in something. Teach your suffering teen to lean hard into it when they’re suffering. Faith is an amazing way to cope with stress, depression, and anxiety. It might not solve it, but it also takes work. Your teen can’t just vaguely believe in something and then never read about it, pray, and give it time. If your teen does all these things, they will find some percentage of help with their teen depression in their faith.
2. Gratitude and Depression are Opposing Forces
Another huge lesson from Voskamp’s story is that thankfulness is really the opposite of depression and anxiety. Actively looking for the small things in life that are beautiful, enjoyable, funny, loving, etc. leads to less time worrying and regretting. Honestly, there simply isn’t room in your mind to do both. This isn’t to trivialize a legitimate depressive disorder or anxiety disorder, because often those are much deeper than just your teen’s attitude. However, for many teens seeking help with depression, changing focus to a grateful posture alleviates some of the suffering.
3. Life Isn’t Linear: Depression and Joy Coexist
Voskamp teaches one of life’s most important lessons. Teens fighting with depression find help in knowing they have permission to grieve/feel anger/fret/feel sadness at the same time they feel joy. For example, many teen parents call and tell me their child requests counseling for depression or anxiety. However, the parent says it’s hard to understand because their teen still laughs and sees friends. These things do exist at the same time. For my part, I am grateful that’s the case because it means there is always joy to be found even on the worst of days.
Final Thoughts on Help for Teen Depression
Now for a personal note: I (Lauren) don’t struggle much with depressed moods. I do however struggle with anxiety. Worries about the future plague me at times, and it’s a battle to keep these thoughts at bay. However, Voskamp’s techniques are really helpful in my own life. I am trying to be more active in my faith, and am looking for tiny things to enjoy. In the past 15+ years I’ve been counseling depressed teens, this technique has never failed to help them at least a little bit. My hope is that it will be a source of help for your teen with depression as well.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens don’t want to be lectured all the time; it stops them from sharing with you. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Improve Your Parenting With Effectively Listening with Teens
Ever wonder why your teenager doesn’t talk to you? Have you ever missed the days when they were little and they actually shared what they did for the day? You hear about some of your friends whose teens share everything with them, and you wish that were you. Listening effectively with your teens can help your teen become more open with you.
Every week I sit across the therapy room from tens of adolescents. When they start counseling I always ask them whether they feel close with their parents. Some say yes and others say no. Of those who say yes, nearly all of their parents have one thing in common: they don’t judge what their teenager shares with them. Of those why say no, their parents usually have this in common: their teen does feel judgment when they share anything, so they stop sharing.
What kind of parent are you? It’s hard for us to self-reflect on this. It’s a fine line to walk anyhow because we need to course correct our children if they say something crass, or talk about a friend who is into some really bad stuff. On the other hand, if our kids are talking about how tough a Spanish test was, they will resent advice on how to study better next time unless they are directly asking for it.
Reflective Listening
For most people, listening reflectively is very difficult. We naturally want to help! When someone shares something they are having difficulty with, we want to fix it for them. Unfortunately this backfires a lot of the time. Teenagers end up perceiving advice as judgement. They feel frustrated with unsolicited advice.
According to Mindtools.com, effective listening starts with minimizing distractions. I know that seems obvious. However, showing you are listening distraction-free is important to your teen. Set your screens aside, sit down, and face them. It’s okay to ask the same from them. Note that some teens, especially males, speak more openly without direct eye contact. In that case, sit side by side.
If you would like to hear more and more from your teen, use all your strength to refrain from comment. You certainly don’t have to give your approval of things you don’t agree with. On the other hand, if your teenager is telling you about something one of their friends did, just nod along and say, “uh-huh.” In extreme situations you might have to get involved or give an opinion, such as if your teen says their friend is suicidal. However, if your teenager is talking about a friend who regularly cheats on their homework, try not to say anything about that friend being an awful person. The truth is, they might not be. They might lack integrity in their schoolwork, but only because they are desperate to improve a grade. While that’s not an acceptable excuse to cheat, it’s certainly something we can all understand.
For those of you who don’t have a really open relationship with your teenager, it’s tough. You probably don’t even know where to begin. Hang in there and be patient. Your teenager actually wants your affection and attention, but just not if it comes with a lot of negative commentary.
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Attachment theory has been around for a long time. It is based on research originally done by Mary Ainsworth. It was an advancement of a theory created by John Bowlby’s observations. But really, you probably don’t care as much about the names as you do about what it means for you. So on to the point: There are several styles of attachment. These describe the relationships babies/toddlers develop with a primary caregiver (usually the mother).
1) Secure Attachment: Seeking out a parent/caregiver for comfort when distressed. Feeling safe to explore the environment because trust exists that the caregiver will be there as a safe base. 2) Resistant Attachment: Children who are very nervous around strangers and show a lot of distress when a parent/caregiver leaves, but refuse to be comforted when the parent returns either. 3) Avoidant Attachment: The young child is disinterested when parent/caregiver leaves, seems equally at ease with strangers as anyone else, and seems to show no preference for the parent/caregiver over a stranger when needing comfort.
Securely attached teens are the happiest teens. They really play out the role of a toddler on a larger scale. Your teenager will think of you as a homebase and check in sometimes. Your teen is comfortable exploring their world knowing you are there whenever they need to reset or take a breath. If something upsetting is happening, you are who they go to to sort out what to do next.
If you do not have this type of relationship with your teenager, don’t be hard on yourself. Just start from where you are. First try and think of the things in your home that might prevent this. Are you meaning to lovingly give correction but actually coming off as critical? Is your teen punished when he or she comes to you with a situation where a bad choice was made? Is there a lot of yelling and chaos in the home? Even if this doesn’t reflect your heart towards your child, are you coming across as indifferent by not listening well? Maybe you are on your phone too much or often preoccupied with work?
The first step in building a secure attachment with your teen is non-judgmental listening. Let them talk without you interrupting or giving an opinion. Thank them for sharing with you. If you feel advice is needed, ask if they want it. If your teen says no, try to remember that your highest priority right now is building a securely attached relationship, which means taking the longer view on every conversation for now
I know this is hard. I had a teen counseling client years ago from Newport Beach who came for anxiety therapy. Even still, this teen had a secure attachment with mom. Mom was really good at listening without judgement. It provided safety and in the long run allowed her to give input into the daily details of this client’s life. I want that for you and your child too.
Also, as a mom, I can tell you that you won’t do it perfectly everyday, and that’s okay. There is a lot of grace where there is a lot of love.
Parents who listen can help the relationship.
Credit: David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net
Through conversations with teens this week I have come to believe most of us don’t listen to them. I know that’s cliche. I also happen to think it’s true. We don’t listen to each other. How many people do you know who truly focus on what you’re saying as you’re saying it?
I used to marvel to my husband about Pastor Chris Goulard from Saddleback Church. Each time I’d spoke with him, I’d turn to my husband afterwards and say, “It’s incredible how Pastor Chris makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world when I’m talking with him. Do you feel that way when you talk to him?” My husband would always confirm he also felt like the only person who mattered when he was talking to Pastor Chris. This was all the more amazing because Pastor Chris is a really busy man, and yet if you stop him before or after a church service, he gives you 100% of his attention for as long as you seem to need it. Do we listen to our kids that way? Do we teach them to listen to their friends that way?
I have to call myself out first. Other than when I’m in session with a client, I am not listening with my full attention. I’m thinking about what I have to do next, that my phone just chimed, or worst of all, I’m already thinking about what I have to say next. Thinking of what I have to saw next is actually arrogant. When I’m focused on what I have to say and just looking for a chance to interject it into the conversation, then I’m assuming what I have to say is more important than what you are telling me.
This week in therapy the common theme that has arisen among my teenage clients is that they do not feel heard. When they talk to their friends, their friends are interrupting them or checking their phones. When they talk to their parents, their parents are buzzing around the kitchen, on their computer, or also on their phones. Consequently, when your teen is talking to you, they are also distracted.
My encouragement to you this week (and to myself) is to focus on really listening. Clear your mind of what you want to put into the conversation and let someone talk all the way through before you speak. In fact, let’s all try waiting one full second after someone finishes talking before we say something back. It’s short enough not to be an awkward pause but long enough for them to add more to the conversation if they have more to say.
My daughter is eleven. This is an age where she has A LOT to say, but she won’t say it unless she’s relaxed enough to let her thoughts flow. Tweenagers (11-13yrs old) are self-conscious by nature and can be a bit closed if they aren’t given enough space in conversation to work out their thoughts. I tried this technique of waiting one second before speaking with her earlier this week. The conversation we had was amazing! She ended up asking questions about some very deep thoughts she’s kept hidden in her heart. It crushed me to realize she’s had these questions for a long time, but I’ve been such a poor, distracted listener (and interrupter) that she never had the space to voice them.
Your kids have things to tell you too, but you will have to listen like Pastor Chris. When your teenager is talking to you about things, don’t make it your goal to get in some moral lesson, don’t show them that your phone matters more than they do, and don’t be thinking about what you want to say while they are talking.
Your teenager wants to know what he or she thinks and feels actually matters to you. Your adolescent wants to be seen by you. Truly listening is the best way you can show that you honestly care about what’s going on inside their minds and hearts. And, this is the path to a better relationship between you and your teen.
Your teenagers learn what is valuable from your behavior. Photo Credit: imagerymajestic via freedigitalphotos.net
1. Faith in God: If faith is important to you, then you have to model it, not just say it. It is easy to say something like, “I don’t want to force my kid to believe a certain thing. I’ll let them decide when they grow up.” In the meanwhile you don’t really expose them to your faith because you don’t want to be pushy. Please just know that if this is the tack you take, you’re kids will probably grow up not believing in any kind of organized religion. You need to model a strong faith in God if you want your kids to grow up with faith. Your teenagers pay astute attention to whether you react with anxiety or prayer. They notice whether you devote your spare time to helping others or doing what feels good for you. They are watching to see if you turn to scripture or if you turn on the news for your hope in the future. Every single day there are a hundred little choices we have to make to turn towards God versus turning towards ourselves, and your kids see almost every decision you make. They copy you. In their future they are more likely to choose a faith if they have been shown how by your example.
2. Finances: Do you buy things you can’t afford? Do you pay for little extras like a daily cup of coffee and then dismiss the cost because “It’s just a few dollars?” Do you get your hair done each month even though there really isn’t a college fund set up yet? Your teenagers are paying attention. They believe they can have anything they want right now it if that’s the example you set. If you are intentional about saving up for things like vacations and a car when you need one, they will learn that behavior instead. When they want something nice, if you help them map out how to work for it and save for it, they will start to really value what they have, and will start to think carefully about how they spend their money. Your kids are also watching to see how you give and how you save. If you invest wisely for the future, and talk about it a little all along the way, they will learn this is important. When you prioritize giving to others, they will value giving. You have a HUGE influence on your teens by your example with finances.
3. Humility: Your teenagers learn an immense amount from you on how to behave in relation to other people. If you are humble in your relationships, your teens will start to act with humility as well (Rick Warren explains humility to mean, “It’s not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less”). I have a neighbor who is constantly doing small things to help out other people. She makes food if you feel sick; she watches your kids for a few minutes if you have to get something done; she asks about that thing you complained about 5 weeks ago to see if it’s better. She is constantly thinking of others. She is subtle in how she does it, and it is certainly not so people will like her. In fact, she isn’t thinking of herself at all. She is simply the walking definition of humble. As her kids have gotten older they have become more and more kind. They are both incredibly sweet to the younger kids on the street. They are polite. They seem to automatically look for ways to serve someone in the smallest things. When they were trick-or-treating last Halloween they both made sure other kids got their candy at the door before they put their hands out. I don’t think they are even conscious of their kindness. I think it’s something they are learning from their incredibly humble mother. These children know how to behave in relation to others. Imagine these two when they are teens. Don’t you want your teenagers to be like that? They are watching what you do, and they are learning.
This blog isn’t written to condemn you for all the things you’re not doing right. It’s tough to be perfect. We are all doing the best we can. All I’m asking of you is to be intentional. Make sure you are showing your children the kind of adult you hope they become. Don’t raise your kids without intentionality, because the default is to let screens and peers raise your teens. Instead, I want you and your values to the most significant influence in their lives.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
