by Lauren Goodman | Jul 17, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
Learning How to Communicate With Your Teen
Have you ever wondered why your teenager doesn’t talk to you anymore? Do you miss the days when they came home excited to tell you everything that happened at school? Maybe you have friends whose teens seem to share everything with them, and you wish your relationship looked more like that. Learning how to communicate with your teen starts with becoming the kind of listener they feel safe talking to.
How to Communicate With Your Teen Without Judgment
Every week I sit across from dozens of adolescents in my counseling office. Early in therapy, I always ask whether they feel close to their parents. Some say yes, while others say no. Of the teens who say they feel close to their parents, nearly all have one thing in common: they don’t feel judged when they share what’s going on in their lives. The teens who don’t feel close to their parents often describe the opposite. They feel criticized, corrected, or lectured whenever they open up, so eventually they stop sharing.
It’s hard for us as parents to honestly evaluate ourselves. When learning how to communicate with your teen, you must ask yourself, ‘Am I being too judgmental?’ ‘Is the advice I mean to be helpful coming across as questioning the way my teen is handling the situation?’ ‘Am I distracted when my teen tries to talk to me?’ These are difficult questions, but answering them honestly is the first step toward having a more open relationship with your teen.
Unless they ask for it, try to refrain from giving your teen too much advice. If you have something you want to tell them, ask if they want to hear it first and then respect their decision. We need to guide our children when they’re making poor choices or talking about something harmful. But if your teenager is simply telling you how difficult a test was, they probably won’t want you to give them study tips. Often they simply want someone to listen.
Reflective Listening
For most people, reflective listening is difficult because our natural instinct is to help. When someone we love is struggling, we want to solve the problem for them. Unfortunately, this often backfires with teenagers. Many teens interpret unsolicited advice as criticism, even when it comes from a loving place. As a result, they become less likely to share in the future.
How to Communicate With Your Teen Through Better Listening
Effective listening begins by minimizing distractions. That may sound obvious, but it makes a tremendous difference. Put your phone down, pause or turn off the television, sit with your teen, and give them your full attention. It’s okay to ask them to do the same. Also remember that not every teenager communicates the same way. Many teens, especially boys, actually talk more openly when they aren’t making direct eye contact. Sitting side by side while driving or taking a walk together may lead to a much deeper conversation than sitting across from one another.
If you want your teen to keep talking, resist the urge to immediately comment or give advice. You don’t have to approve of everything they say, but you also don’t have to evaluate every situation they describe. For example, if your teenager tells you about something one of their friends did, simply nod, listen, and encourage them to continue.
There are certainly situations where you need to step in—such as if a friend is talking about suicide or another serious safety concern. But if they’re telling you about a classmate who cheated on homework, try not to immediately label that teen as a bad friend. Cheating is wrong, but there may be fear or desperation to improve a grade behind that choice. Your goal in that moment is to keep the conversation open, not to pass judgment on someone your teen knows. This is one of the keys to learning how to communicate with your teen.
Be Patient With the Process
If you don’t currently have a very open relationship with your teenager, don’t lose heart. Strong communication takes time to build. Be patient, stay consistent, and keep showing your teen that you are a safe person to talk to. More often than not, teenagers want their parents’ love, attention, and support. Be patient, stay consistent, and keep showing your teen that you are a safe person to talk to. Over time, those small moments of listening without judgment build trust, and trust is what leads to deeper conversations.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 12, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
Building a Strong Relationship with Your Teen
Improving relationships with our teens is effort well spent. To some, the idea seems daunting. “How will I ever get my teen to respect and like me?” you wonder. Still, teenagers who have one caring adult in their life fare far better as adults than those who don’t. Hopefully, this means the interactions have an element of friendship underneath; this gives you more permission to have the parental interactions when they are needed.
Steps for Improving Your Relationship with Your Teen
Tracking The Improvement in Your Relationship with Your Child
That said, if you decide improving your relationship with your teenager is one of your new goals, then it’s time to plan. Firstly, figure out a few reasonable ways you can track yourself to see how you’re doing. For example, if you yell when you’re frustrated, try writing a quick note on a calendar at the end of each day: “Good today,” or “Yelled too much today.” While it’s simple, holding yourself accountable is the key to changed behavior. The other key is sticking with it. It supposedly takes 7 weeks to change a habit. That’s 49 days. Tracking behavior every day for a month and a half helps elicit change.
Be Patient with the Process of Improving Your Relationship with Your Adolescent
Secondly, when you’re improving your relationship with your teen, staying patient is vital. When you become nicer to people in your family, they won’t even notice at first. They will go on reacting towards you the way they always have. Keep in mind, you probably have to give it about three weeks before you notice them starting to be kinder in return. For their part, your adolescents won’t even realize they are being nicer in return. It eventually just starts to happen. Sadly, many parents I work with lose patience with this process because it is hard to make a huge effort for three weeks. It also can be very challenging not to get caught up in an argument when your teen talks back.
Give Yourself Grace When Learning to Get Along with Your Teen
Third, extend grace to yourself. Unlike a New Year’s resolution to exercise four days a week, improving your relationship with your teen cannot be measured so neatly. You can commit to doing four extra acts of kindness each week, but you cannot expect a perfect relationship simply by checking boxes. Instead, strive each day to strengthen your connection with your teen, while forgiving yourself when you slip back into old habits. In a sense, you may need to mentally “hit reset” many times throughout the day. If you speak harshly, become too permissive, or make another mistake you are trying to change, acknowledge it, take a breath, and begin again. Over time, these healthier patterns become more natural.
Eyes on the Prize (Getting Closer to Your Teen)
Finally, don’t lose sight of the reward at the end. You need to consistently visualize what things will be like once you’ve achieved the goal of an improved relationship. To this end, maybe you imagine hugging your son each morning when he’s on his way out the door to school. Similarly, perhaps you picture your daughter wanting to take a walk with you on a Saturday morning. Or, maybe you see yourselves sending funny little text messages to one another throughout the day. Whatever it is, don’t lose track of where you’re headed. Dave Ramsey always says, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” Though he gives advice about money, this phrase can apply to improving your relationship with your teen.
To put it another way, you need a tangible goal to achieve. Don’t try to picture being best friends with your teenager. You want them to have friends their age, and it’s not likely you will become best friends anyway. Just keep your focus on things looking a little better than they do right now.
When to Seek Counseling to Get Along Better with a Teenager
For some of you, improving your relationship with your teenager feels like it’s beyond a simple blog post. In those cases, our counselors at Teen Therapy OC can help. We’re always happy to spend a few minutes free of charge on the phone with you or to answer an email or two. This helps you determine next steps such as whether therapy is the right direction.
In summary, counseling usually helps when there is little to no respect between you and your teenager. Also, some parents come to the point where they cannot trust their adolescent child. If that is you, therapy is a good place to start. In addition to this, if your relationship is going through a rough patch because your teen is dealing with mental health struggles, therapy becomes even more important.
Our Hope for You as You Improve Your Relationship with Your Teen
Our hope and prayer for you is that this is a year filled with joy and blessings in your relationships with your children. We pray also that you learn as much from them as they do from you. We want times of teaching and learning, but we also want you and your teen to have fun and joy!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 11, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
How to Discipline Teens Effectively
When your kids are little, giving consequences is usually pretty straightforward. You put them in time-out for a few minutes when they misbehave. If they throw a tantrum, you ignore the behavior until they calm down and ask nicely. If they misuse a toy, you take it away. But as kids get older, discipline gets harder. Many parents try to use the same techniques they used when their kids were younger, just modified for teenagers. The problem is that those strategies don’t always work the same way with teens. This is where learning how to discipline teens can become challenging.
A teenager ditches school, so you ground them. They argue with you, so you either ignore them or argue back. They misuse their phone, so you take it away. Sometimes these consequences work, but sometimes they don’t teach the lesson we want them to learn. The goal of disciplining teens is not just to punish a behavior. It is to help your teenager learn responsibility while keeping your relationship strong.
How to Discipline Teens When They Ditch Class
How do you give consequences to a teenager? Remember that your teen is getting closer to adulthood. They need opportunities to experience real-life consequences while you are still there to guide them. If your teenager ditches school and the school calls, it can be tempting to make an excuse for them. Instead, allow them to face the natural consequences of their choice. You might tell the school, “I wasn’t aware they were gone. I assume they skipped class.” Then allow the school to give an appropriate consequence, such as Saturday school.
When your teen comes home, calmly say, “The school told me you cut class today and now you have to attend Saturday school. That’s probably not how you wanted to spend your weekend.” If they ask you to help change the date because they have work or a game, you can respond: “Since you felt old enough to decide whether or not you should attend class, I guess you’re old enough to figure out how to handle this consequence.” Then let it go. Don’t lecture them or keep bringing it up. Allow them to solve the problem.
Why Grounding Your Teen Doesn’t Always Work
Do you see how different this is from simply grounding your teenager? When you ground your teen, you often become responsible for enforcing the consequence. You are the one saying no to the soccer game, the friend’s house, or the activity they want to attend.
Your teen may end up focusing more on how “unfair” you are instead of thinking about the choice they made. When thinking about how to discipline teens, the goal is to help them learn from their mistakes, not just make them uncomfortable.
How to Discipline Teens When They Talk Back
Another common challenge parents face is disrespectful communication. When your teenager argues with you, it can be tempting to defend yourself and prove your point. But getting pulled into an argument usually does not help. Instead, stay calm and say something like: “I’m not going to argue with you right now.” Or: “We can talk about this tomorrow when we are both calmer.”
This gives you both time to think. If your teen keeps pushing, calmly ask, “What did I say?” Remember, not everything is urgent. Teenagers often feel like things need to be solved immediately, it’s always important to take time before responding.
An Idea for Excessive Teen Phone Use
Many parents struggle with how to discipline teens when it comes to excessive phone use. The first instinct is often to take the phone away, but this can create a bigger power struggle. Instead, help your teen take responsibility. For example, look at the cell phone bill, highlight the cost or their phone, and leave it on the kitchen table. When your teen sees it, calmly say: “It looks like you have had a hard time following our expectations around phone use. You will need to come up with a plan for how you will pay for the phone this month.”
Then let them think through the solution. They may argue or say they don’t have the money. You can simply say, “I’m happy to help you brainstorm solutions if you want my help.” The goal is for your teen to connect their choices with the consequences. If you decide the punishment and force it on them, they may focus on how unfair you are. If they help solve the problem, they are more likely to learn from it.
Doing Your Best
Parenting teenagers today is challenging. It’s impossible to get it right all the time. From teen phone addiction to disrespectful communication, there are many situations where parents wonder how to discipline teens effectively. As a mother myself, I sympathize with this. The good news is that small changes in the way we approach discipline can make a big difference. Instead of trying to control every outcome, we can help our teens learn how to handle the outcomes of their own choices.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 8, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
What Is a Secure Attachment With Your Teen?
One of the greatest gifts you can give your teenager is knowing they always have a safe place to come when life gets hard. Every parent wants their child to feel loved, understood, and supported, but sometimes it can be difficult to know how to build that kind of relationship. That’s where the idea of a secure attachment with your teen comes in.
Attachment theory has been around for decades and is based on research by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. While the research began by studying babies and toddlers, the principles continue throughout life and help explain why some teenagers naturally turn to their parents during difficult times while others pull away. Researchers describe several different attachment styles that develop between young children and their primary caregiver.
The Three Attachment Styles
Before talking about teenagers, it helps to understand the different attachment styles researchers identified in young children.
Secure Attachment: A child seeks out a parent or caregiver for comfort when distressed. They feel safe exploring the world because they trust their caregiver will be there as a secure base when they need them.
Resistant Attachment: A child becomes very distressed when a parent leaves but also refuses comfort when the parent returns.
Avoidant Attachment: A child appears largely unaffected when a parent leaves, seems equally comfortable with strangers, and does not show a strong preference for the caregiver when seeking comfort.
Why a Secure Attachment With Your Teen Matters
Securely attached teenagers often resemble securely attached toddlers on a much larger scale. Your teenager thinks of you as home base. They venture into the world, build friendships, try new experiences, and become more independent, but they continue to check in with you. When life becomes overwhelming, you are the person they trust to help them sort through it.
When something upsetting happens, they naturally come to you for comfort, guidance, and perspective. That doesn’t mean they agree with you all the time or want your advice every minute of the day. It simply means they know they are emotionally safe with you.
How to Build a Secure Attachment With Your Teen
If this doesn’t describe your relationship with your teenager right now, don’t be discouraged. Start where you are. Take an honest look at what might be getting in the way. Do you intend to lovingly correct your teen but accidentally come across as critical? Does your child get punished every time they admit making a mistake? Is there a great deal of yelling or chaos in your home? Even if you deeply love your teenager, could you unintentionally seem distracted because you’re often busy with work or looking at your phone? These are difficult questions, but answering them honestly can help you identify small changes that may make a big difference.
The First Step Toward a Secure Attachment With Your Teen
One of the most powerful ways to strengthen your relationship is by practicing nonjudgmental listening. Allow your teenager to talk without interrupting or immediately offering your opinion. Thank them for trusting you enough to share. If you think advice would be helpful, ask if they would like to hear it first.
If they say no, try to remember that your highest priority right now is strengthening your relationship. By taking the long view, you are creating an environment where your teenager feels emotionally safe. It’s also important to remember that when teens consistently feel heard instead of judged, they often become much more open to hearing your advice later.
Grace Goes a Long Way
Years ago, I worked with a teenager who came to counseling for anxiety. Even though anxiety was a struggle, this teen had a wonderfully secure attachment with her mother. Her mom listened without judgment and created an atmosphere of safety. Because of that, she had tremendous influence in the everyday details of her daughter’s life. I want that kind of relationship for you and your teenager, too.
And as a mom myself, I can promise you this: you won’t do it perfectly every day, and that’s okay. Healthy relationships are not built on perfection. They are built on love, consistency, and grace.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 20, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
What to Do When You Have a Sneaky Teen
If you’re wondering what to do about a sneaky teen, start by understanding why the behavior is happening in the first place. Few things are more frustrating than discovering your teenager has been sneaking around behind your back. You have rules. You communicate your expectations clearly. In many cases, you would probably say yes if they simply asked permission. Yet somehow they continue to hide things, bend the truth, or go around the boundaries you’ve set. What makes this so painful isn’t usually the behavior itself. It’s the damage it does to trust.
Hardly any parents are trying to control every aspect of their teenager’s life. They simply want an honest relationship. They want their teen to trust that reasonable requests will be considered fairly, and they want to trust that their child is being truthful about where they are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing. The reasons behind sneaky behavior can vary, so understanding what’s driving it is an important first step.
What to Do When Their Behavior is Dangerous
If you suspect your teenager is hiding drug use, sexual activity, criminal behavior, or anything else that could put their safety at risk, that needs immediate attention. The advice in this article is not meant to minimize serious concerns. However, many parents find themselves dealing with a teen who isn’t engaging in dangerous behavior but still feels the need to be dishonest. In those situations, it’s worth asking yourself a difficult question: Why does my teenager feel the need to sneak? You may not know the answer right away, but understanding their motivation will help know what to do about a sneaky teen and help you respond more effectively.
How Often Are You Saying No?
One common reason teenagers sneak is because they believe asking permission is pointless. Whether that perception is accurate or not, they may feel convinced that every request will be denied. Over time, some teens stop asking altogether and begin finding ways around the rules instead.
I once worked with a teenage boy who frequently said, “It’s easier to get forgiveness than ask permission.” In his mind, that wasn’t a joke—it was a strategy. He believed it was the only way he would ever be allowed to date, attend a party, or even participate in harmless teenage antics like toilet papering a friend’s house. That doesn’t excuse the dishonesty, but it does help explain it. Sometimes sneaking isn’t driven by rebellion. Sometimes it’s driven by a teenager’s belief that honesty won’t get them anywhere.
When a Teen is Sneaking to Avoid Disapproval
Of course, there are also teenagers who sneak because they want to do something they know their parents would never allow but they believe is harmless. Technology provides endless opportunities for this.
Many teens hide social media accounts, download questionable apps, communicate with people they shouldn’t be talking to, or engage with content they know would concern their parents. They aren’t necessarily trying to hurt anyone. They simply don’t want the activity interrupted. When this is the reason behind the sneaking, the issue isn’t a lack of freedom. It’s a lack of willingness to be accountable. Understanding which situation you’re dealing with matters because the solution may look very different.
The Best Thing to Do About a Sneaky Teen Is Start With Connection
When parents discover dishonesty, their first instinct is often punishment. Sometimes consequences are necessary, but they shouldn’t be your starting point. Instead, sit down with your teenager and have an honest conversation about what’s happening. Tell them how their behavior affects you and why it hurts you. Explain that the issue isn’t simply the rule they broke—it’s the erosion of trust that comes with the secrecy.
Ask questions and listen carefully to the answers. How do they feel about the relationship right now? Why do they think they keep sneaking? What would help them be more honest moving forward? Approach the conversation with curiosity rather than accusation. You may learn something important, and your teenager may be more willing to change if they feel heard instead of attacked.
What to Do About a Sneaky Teen When Talking Isn’t Enough
If you’ve had multiple conversations and nothing changes, it’s time to become more structured. Clearly explain what behaviors need to stop and what consequences will follow if they continue. Be specific. Vague warnings rarely work with teenagers. Just as importantly, follow through.
You don’t need to yell, lecture, or make dramatic threats. Calm consistency is far more effective than emotional reactions. When your teen lies or sneaks, administer the consequence you outlined. However, when they tell the truth—even when it’s difficult—remember to acknowledge that too. Parents sometimes become so focused on correcting dishonesty that they forget to reinforce honesty. Both are important.
What to Do About a Sneaky Teen Who Keeps Breaking Trust
If the sneaking continues despite conversations and consequences, you may need to temporarily reduce your teenager’s freedom. That might mean increased supervision, fewer privileges, more accountability, or greater involvement in their daily activities. Think of it this way: freedom grows where trust grows.
When trust is repeatedly damaged, it makes sense for parents to increase oversight until that trust is rebuilt. The key is making sure your teenager understands the connection between their choices and the restrictions that follow. You want them to think, “I lost this privilege because I wasn’t trustworthy,” not, “My parents are unfair.” When consequences feel logical and connected to behavior, they are much more likely to teach the lesson you’re hoping to teach.
Remember That Trust Can Be Rebuilt
If you’re dealing with a sneaky teenager, you’re certainly not alone. Parents in this situation often feel angry, hurt, worried, and exhausted. Some even begin questioning whether they’ll ever be able to trust their child again. The good news is that most teenagers mature significantly over time. Character develops. Judgment improves. Relationships heal.
Stay focused on the long-term goal rather than winning every short-term battle. Continue setting appropriate boundaries. Continue holding your teen accountable. Continue looking for opportunities to connect. Most importantly, don’t let their dishonesty stop you from loving them well. Trust may be damaged today, but with patience, consistency, and effort from both sides, it can absolutely be rebuilt.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 4, 2026 | Parenting Techniques
Why Positive Reinforcement for Teens Matters
When I was an intern, my supervisor often gave parents one simple piece of advice: “Catch your kid being good.” She explained that by the time many parents bring their teenager into counseling, they are already exhausted and overwhelmed. Exasperated parents often become impatient parents. Impatient parents become overly focused on the negative. Over time, this can create a relationship filled with criticism and frustration. Positive reinforcement for teens helps break this cycle.
How Negative Cycles Develop with Teenagers
I see this regularly in my counseling office. Most of the parents I work with deeply love their teenagers. They are not bad parents. Usually, they are simply overwhelmed and unsure how to help their teen stay on track.
Because of this, some parents fall into the habit of constantly correcting behavior as they see it. While correction may be necessary, this usually only works if the parent-teen relationship is in a good place. However, if the relationship feels strained, constant criticism can make teenagers become more defensive, irritable, or withdrawn.
Positive Reinforcement for Teens Through Encouragement
If you think you may be stuck in this cycle with your teenager, try something different for one week. As my former supervisor, used to say: “Catch your kid being good.” What does that mean?
Parents are usually quick to notice bad behavior. If a teenager lies, sneaks around, gets a poor grade, or talks back, parents naturally feel they need to address it. But when teenagers are respectful, honest, or responsible, parents often stay quiet because they see those things as expected. Instead of only commenting on the negative, try noticing the small positive things your teenager does each day. Positive reinforcement for teens often goes a long way in helping the parent-teen relationship.
Catch Your Teenager Being Good
For the next week, try making encouraging comments when your teenager is simply doing the normal “right” things. Maybe you come home and notice they already started their homework on their own. Instead of saying, “See? Isn’t it easier when you start early?” try saying something like: “That’s awesome that you took initiative and got your work done.”
If your teenager clears their dish after dinner, thank them. Try to resist the urge to immediately follow praise with another correction. For example, avoid saying: “Thanks for clearing your plate, but don’t forget you also need to wipe down the table.” Positive reinforcement for teens works best when encouragement feels genuine.
Small Encouragement Can Change Your Relationship
You have more influence over the tone of your relationship with your teenager than you may realize. A few encouraging words about the small things can completely change the atmosphere between you and your child. Teenagers almost always respond well when they feel noticed, respected, and appreciated. There is a very good chance your teenager will continue repeating behaviors that bring positive connection and encouragement from you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
