Listening to your teen requires your deciding to really listen. Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net/photostock
Are You Listening to Your Teen?
Are you listening to your teen? I mean, truly listening—not while scrolling your phone or stirring dinner, but giving them your full attention. Do you set everything down, look them in the eyes, and try to understand what they’re saying?
What Therapy Can Offer—And What You Can Too
Therapy can offer a lot to teens, but one of the most powerful benefits is actually something you can do for them at home. What is it? Simply giving your teen your full, focused attention. It’s hard to listen sometimes. Sadly, we live in a world full of things trying to distract us. However, we can choose not to give these things our attention.
What Listening to Your Teen Looks Like
When a teen comes into therapy to talk about something that’s bothering them, they can feel that I’m fully present. This is how they want you to listen to them too. Don’t fold laundry, leave the TV or music on, or examine your fingernails or clothes while they’re talking to you. Respond to what they’re telling you. Try saying, “Really! What happened?” or “No way,” or “That must have been really hard.” Match the emotion in their words—even if they don’t show much emotion outwardly themselves. If they tell a sad story with a straight face, respond with compassion anyway. That’s how they know you care.
The Power of Listening to Your Teen—No Training Needed
Of course, therapy involves more than just listening. I’ve spent years learning tools and techniques through reading, training, supervision, and reviewing my sessions. These are skills I’ve practiced over time—just like you’ve developed your own strengths and expertise in your career or everyday life. However, listening is one thing you can do without training. You just have to remember to set down what your doing, pause the music or TV, look directly at your teen instead of other things, and listen to your teen patiently and completely. Also, don’t plan how to respond to your teen while they’re talking to you. Just listen.
Being Tactful
Listening well makes teens feel seen, heard, and respected. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, and it doesn’t mean you can’t share your opinion. However, you have to choose the right moment. Being tactful means knowing when to offer your thoughts. Being tactful is especially important when listening to your teen. Try to listen more than you talk. Most importantly, when they open up, keep the conversation centered on them—not on your experiences or how you would handle it. In other words, try to hear them instead of making them hear you.
What Being Tactful Looks Like
And make sure you don’t offer you’re opinion at the wrong time or too often. It might come across like you’ve just been waiting to share your thoughts instead of trying to understand theirs. Or that you think their problem is easy to solve and they should’ve figured it out themselves. Even if that’s not what you mean, that’s often how it feels to them. And if they disagree with your suggestion, don’t shut the conversation down or tell them they’re being unreasonable. Let them explain why they see things differently. Most importantly, when you do share your opinion, make sure your tone is warm and open.
Your Superpower As A Parent
However, you have a huge advantage—your teen wants you to hear them. They may not say it out loud. In fact they might seem like they don’t want your advice. However, I promise deep down your teen really cares about you listening to them and what you think. In fact, your teen cares more about you listening to them than anyone else on the planet. It might not always feel that way, but your interest in what they think and feel means more than anything a therapist, teacher, or coach thinks. Those people matter—but you’re their number one.
Just Listen
So, Mom or Dad—whoever is reading this—please take the time to really listen to your teen. It shows them how much you care. Set your phone down, leave your to-do list for later, and let go of the urge to plan how you’ll respond to them. Just listen. That quiet, focused presence can go a long way.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens really know how to push a parents’ buttons, but there are ways to “fight nicely.” Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
How Argumentative Teens Use Condescension
Being condescending is hurtful and disrespectful, and no one can stand being talked down to. That’s mostly why teens do it. If you’re in an argument with your teen, condescension is one of their greatest weapons. Argumentative teens are masters of combining sarcasm with eye rolls, rude names, and more, just to get you frustrated. It’s natural to want to retaliate, but is that the right response?
What to Do When Fighting with an Argumentative Teen
When you’re in the middle of an argument with your teen and they’re being rude, it’s really tempting to snap back. But that’s not the right thing to do. Instead, the louder or nastier they get, the calmer you need to be. If they keep trying to argue or talk back, stand your ground. Let them know—gently but clearly—that if the attitude keeps up, they’ll start losing some privileges. That way, your teen has a choice. They can start being respectful, or they can keep being rude and lose some privileges.
Follow Through
When you tell your teen that they will lose privileges if they continue being rude and they’re rude anyways, make sure you follow through with what you said. For example, say you told them they’ll lose screen time if they don’t stop talking back, but they talk back regardless. Make sure you actually take screen time away. If you don’t, they’ll keep being disrespectful because they know they won’t really face any consequences.
Don’t Dismiss Your Teen’s Feelings
Be careful that you are not condescending toward your teenager, even if they’re being an argumentative teen. Oftentimes, a teenager tries telling their parents that something hurts them, makes them angry, or overwhelms them. In response, the parent dismisses the teen’s feelings as ridiculous. This frustrates the teen, and they’re likely to either shut down or become mean. Whether or not the teen’s feelings are easy to understand, dismissing your teen’s feelings makes them feel condescended.
What to Do Instead of Dismissing Your Teen’s Feelings
Try acknowledging your teen’s feelings. You don’t have to give into their demand if it’s silly or unreasonable. Show them you’ll work with them to find a solution to the problem they’re upset about, even if it’s not what they originally had in mind. Facing a problem together is more effective anyway.
Don’t Repeat Yourself When Fighting with an Argumentative Teen
Try not to repeat your position over and over again. If they can’t understand you the first time (or choose not to understand you because they don’t like what you’re saying), this won’t change if you say it again. I have a friend who handles this situation well. If she tells her kids no and they start to argue with her, she looks at them and says, “asked and answered.” That way, her children have no more room to argue with her. If they’re confused about what she told them, they can ask for clarification, and she can rephrase what she said. However, they can’t just keep arguing.
Combat Conflict with Kindness
Always remember that it takes two to fight. I know that’s old advice, but it’s still a good reminder for all of us (including me!). Stay calm, but be firm. It’s the best way to respond to an argumentative teen. Besides, after you use these tactics for a while, they’ll probably stop arguing!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Parenting after a divorce is a huge challenge. Image courtesy of arztsamui / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
8 Tips On Parenting Your Teens After a Divorce
Parenting after a divorce is really tough. Especially if you have teens. It’s a huge adjustment for you and your kids, and things don’t always go smoothly. Here are 8 tips to help make things a little easier:
1. Focus on Your Own Household
You’re in charge of what happens at your house. It’s great if you and your ex can agree on parenting rules, but if not, don’t stress about what goes on at their place. There’s nothing you can do about it, so why worry? Just do what’s best for your kids when they’re with you.
2. Speak Kindly About Other Adults
Even if your ex remarried someone neither you or your kids like, don’t badmouth them in front of your children. It just makes things harder for your teen. They didn’t choose who their other parent brings around, so help them make the best of it. This is a key part of parenting after a divorce.
3. Don’t Feel Guilty About Money
Money can be a tricky topic after divorce. Maybe you have more money than your ex, or maybe they have more than you. Either way, don’t let guilt control how you handle finances. Stick to the agreement you made and don’t feel pressured to overspend. If your teen complains or compares, calmly explain the arrangement and remind them that love isn’t measured by money.
4. Don’t Stop Spending Time with Your Kids
Even if your teen doesn’t seem excited to see you, don’t stop showing up. Teens act like they don’t care, but deep down, they want to know you’ll fight for them. Stay consistent and make the most of your time together. Spending quality time with your teen is a vital part of parenting after a divorce.
5. Let Them Adjust to Your New Family
If you’ve remarried, don’t force your child to love their stepparent or stepsiblings. Be patient and let relationships develop naturally. Make sure they’re polite and respectful to everyone in the home, but don’t make them pretend everything’s perfect.
6. Make One-on-One Time a Priority When Parenting After a Divorce
When you’re parenting after a divorce, you can feel like you’re being pulled in a million directions. Don’t let this stop you from spending one-on-one time with your teens. Your time with your child is already split in half. Be sure to carve out moments where it’s just you and them—no new spouse, no step-kids, no distractions. They need to feel like they still have their own special relationship with you.
7. Be a Good Role Model
Make sure you’re still setting a good example for your teen. I know you’re going through a lot, but this is when they need you the most. Show them what it looks like to handle tough times with strength and responsibility. They’re paying attention to how you handle stress and big changes, so be someone they can respect. And don’t try to hide bad habits—teens notice way more than most people think.
8. Remember That Divorce Is Tough for Them
Even if your teen says they’re fine or they act like they don’t care, divorce is tough on kids. Give them extra patience and grace. They didn’t ask for this, and it takes time to adjust. This doesn’t mean you should excuse bad behavior, especially if your teen is doing something dangerous. However, if your teen is in a bad mood or got a bad grade on a test, understand that it’s been tough for them lately.
Stay Consistent and Patient When Parenting After a Divorce
Family life isn’t perfect, and parenting after a divorce can feel overwhelming. But if you stay consistent, loving, and patient, your child will know they can always count on you—no matter what. If you need any extra support for you and your teen, don’t hesitate to give me a call.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Adolescents don’t always know how to express themselves well, so they might act out. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Why Teens Rebel: Understanding and Dealing with Their Behavior
Why do teens rebel? I promise there’s a reason. Most of the time, they’re upset about something but don’t know how to express it. Sometimes, they’re not even fully aware of what’s bothering them. Something in their world has shifted, and instead of expressing their emotions, they react in ways that don’t always make sense. Their behavior might seem totally random, but there’s usually a deeper reason behind it.
My Own Experience with Rebellion
When I was seventeen, I rebelled. My parents were moving to a new city just as I was heading off to college, but I told myself it didn’t matter since I wouldn’t be living with them anymore. I convinced myself I was fine and blamed my rebellion on my parents’ strictness. So, I acted out and was disrespectful. Looking back, I can see that my rebellion wasn’t about their parenting—it was about my fear of change and uncertainty about the future.
What’s the Real Reason Teens Rebel?
If your teen is acting out, ask yourself what’s recently changed in their life. Why do teens rebel? “Acting out” isn’t just typical teen mood swings—it’s when a usually respectful kid suddenly starts doing things that seem completely out of character. Maybe they’re skipping school, breaking curfew, or getting into trouble out of nowhere. However, don’t confuse acting out with other problems teens might have.
Teen Rebellion vs. Bad Habits
Acting out is different from a slow drift into bad habits, like gradually getting more into partying or vaping. For example, if a teen slowly starts smoking marijuana, that’s a budding addiction. On the other hand, acting out is if out of nowhere your teen smokes weed every day for a week. Both situations might need therapy, but they come from different places and need different approaches. Understanding why teens rebel can help differentiate between these behaviors.
What’s Setting Them Off?
So, what’s got your teen on edge? Did they just go through a breakup? Did you announce a divorce? Maybe money’s tight or a grandparent is moving in? Even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, it might feel like a huge shift to them. Teens process change differently, and sometimes, their way of dealing with it isn’t exactly logical. This type of stress can contribute to why teens rebel.
How Therapy Can Help
Step one in therapy? Stop any unsafe behaviors ASAP. Once that’s handled, the real work begins—helping your teen figure out why they’re acting out. Therapy helps them connect the dots between their feelings and their actions. Once they understand what’s really bothering them, they can start handling things in a healthier way. And the best part? Once they start feeling more secure, the rebellious behavior usually fades on its own. Therapy can significantly address the root causes of why teens rebel.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teaching teens about money is very important. Image courtesy of sscreations at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
How to Teach Teens About Money
It’s crucial for teenagers to develop financial literacy before they enter adulthood. As a parent, you likely already understand this and are taking steps to prepare your teen for financial independence. Here are four highly effective strategies that parents of my clients have used to teach their teens about money:
1. Teaching Teens About Money Through Incentivized Savings
Developing the habit of saving is a key financial skill. Some parents I’ve worked with have successfully encouraged their teens to save by offering incentives—whether by matching their savings or providing other rewards. This approach fosters collaboration between parents and teens in setting financial goals. This way, they can then create a plan and work together to achieve them. By guiding their adolescents through the entire savings process, parents help instill lifelong financial discipline.
2. Teaching Teens About Money by Showing the Value of Financial Decisions
Furthermore, encouraging teens to consider the value of their purchases and financial choices can make a lasting impact. This is vital when teaching teens about money. For instance, a 17-year-old client of mine realized he had a sense of entitlement and wanted to work on it. His parents helped him weigh the financial pros and cons of attending an out-of-state college versus a more affordable in-state option. After thorough research and discussions, he chose a school that was the best financial fit for his career goals rather than the most prestigious option. This experience taught him valuable lessons in financial responsibility and smart decision-making.
3. Encourage Teens to Pay for Their Wants
Teens often struggle to distinguish between wants and needs. Consequently, having them pay for their wants is very important when teaching teens about money. One teenage girl I worked with insisted she needed her own car. Instead of buying one for her, her mother encouraged her to save for it. After realizing how expensive cars are—especially when purchased with her own money—she became more content with driving the family’s older truck. Through this experience, she learned to prioritize practical features like fuel efficiency and maintenance costs over aesthetics. She also became more mindful about her spending habits and learned the value of hard work.
4. Support Teen Employment for Financial Growth
Moreover, encouraging (or even requiring) teens to get a job can have tremendous benefits. This makes it a key step in teaching teens about money. Aside from boosting self-esteem, working teens tend to be more responsible with money. They also get into less trouble and develop a greater appreciation for their parents. Many of my counseling clients who started working not only stopped asking their parents for money but also took pride in their ability to support themselves. They quickly learned to differentiate between needs and wants and developed a stronger work ethic.
Final Thoughts on Teaching Teens About Money
There are many ways to teach teens financial responsibility, such as budgeting, charitable giving, and learning the basics of investing. However, these four strategies are among the easiest to implement and provide an immediate, meaningful impact. At their core, they teach patience and delayed gratification—essential skills for lifelong financial success.
By guiding your teen toward financial independence, you’re not just teaching them about money. You’re preparing them for a successful future.
Stop entitlement and create grateful teens! Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
How Entitled Teens Act
Sadly, there are many entitled teens in the world today. Entitled teens leave parents feeling unappreciated, frustrated, and sometimes disgusted. They believe they deserve some huge privileges ranging from new clothes to a car to a college education. What do you if your teen is entitled?
Examples of Entitled Teens
While many teens are grateful for things, lots of teens believe they have a right to what they receive. It’s important to recognize if your teen is entitled. To help you do this, I’ve provided some examples of entitled teens below.
Example #1
I once talked to an entitled girl who said, “I need my mom to take me shopping.” Since she always wears nice clothes, I asked her why. She told me, “Well, my friends all want to wear purple dresses on Friday. My mom won’t take me shopping. Can you believe that?” I asked her why she couldn’t use her own money. She looked shocked and said, “Well I shouldn’t have to buy my own clothes.”
Example #2
I worked with another boy who felt upset because his father was going to give him a hand-me-down car. His father had recently remarried and planned to purchase a BMW for his new wife meaning his son would receive her fairly new Volkswagen. He said, “Can you believe he’d buy her a new car when I’ve always wanted a BMW. It’s like he’s doing that just to spite me!”
What Causes Entitlement in Teens
What causes teens to become entitled? Usually this comes from you as parents. Fortunately, this also means you have the power to change it!
Saying Yes Too Much
How did you cause this? It probably started when your teen was just a toddler. Many parents say yes to their children, even after they’ve already said no. If you’ve been giving your kid whatever they want since they were little, it’s no surprise that they’re entitled. They know if they argue with you, they’ll get what they want.
Giving Your Teen Things Out of Guilt
Other times parents cause their teens to have an entitled attitude out of guilt. In the previously mentioned situation with the BMW, that father felt guilty after getting divorced. So, he bought his children whatever they wanted so he could see them happy again. While I understand feeling this way, this made his teens become entitled.
What to Do About Your Entitled Teen
However, no matter what caused it, now you have an entitled teenager. What do you do about it?
Say No
Start saying no when your teen asks for new things they don’t need. If they try to argue with you, don’t respond until they’re in a mood to actually listen and learn. Then you can explain why you said no. This will build your teen’s character and combat their entitled attitude.
Set a Good Example
The second thing you need to do is set a good example. Don’t indulge yourself at every whim. Don’t go get your nails done because you’re sad, buy a new car because you’re bored with the one you have, or redecorate the inside of your house because it’s not the latest style. Let your teenager overhear you saying you’re going to save money and then follow through with it. This will teach them the difference between a want and a need.
Let Them Work for Things
Finally, allow your teen to work for the things they want. When they ask you for the latest gadget, tell them sure… you’ll be happy to take them to buy it when they earn the money to purchase it. Once they realize this is how things go, they won’t ask you for so many things, and they’ll like what they have for longer. Suddenly the iPhone they already own is actually “just fine.”
Helping Your Teen Go from Entitled to Grateful
Following these tips will make life easier for you and your teen. You won’t feel the need to get your teen new things all the time, and your teen will be satisfied with what they have. You can do it! It might not be easy or work right away, but consistently doing these things will help your teen go from entitled to a grateful, hardworking young man or woman!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
