What to Do When Teens Talk Back: Understanding the Challenge
If your teenager is talking back, it can be really frustrating. You may wonder how much more you can take when they argue every time you ask them to do something. It feels rude and unfair, especially when you see them being polite to other adults. So, what should you do when teens talk back?
Check Yourself First
One important step is to check your own reactions. Are you rude to them sometimes? Do you get defensive easily or engage in arguments? Matching their tone won’t help. It’s really hard not to get pulled into an argument, but staying calm is key.
Don’t Get Baited When Teens Start Talking Back
Next, don’t let your teen bait you into the discussion. At first, try not to respond when your teen speaks rudely. They might notice and comment on it. You can make eye contact and just walk away, or calmly say they’re not speaking nicely and then leave the room. The main goal is to avoid escalating the situation. Teens aren’t really listening when they start talking back, so raising your voice won’t help.
Quietly Set Consequences
Gently and quietly enforce a consequence for their rudeness. Make sure they understand that continuing this behavior will have bigger consequences.
For example, when I was a teen, I flipped my mom off once. She calmly told me my friends could only stay until 9pm instead of spending the night. When I angrily protested, she reduced the time further to 7pm, and then 6pm. Then I got the message. I later said sorry, and my mom accepted the apology but did not change the consequence. A few calm, consistent responses were enough to change my behavior.
Don’t Negotiate When Teens Talk Back
Negotiating with your teen in an argument actually encourages more talking back. If you do this, teens will learn that you often give in to them and, as a result, will push back more. They may also learn that you probably won’t enforce consequences, especially if they apologize. This can lead to teens saying sorry just to avoid punishment, rather than truly feeling remorse for their actions. Staying calm and firm helps teens learn their boundaries more quickly.
Stand Your Ground
If you can quietly stand your ground, not engage when your teen is rude, set limits, and enforce them consistently, you’ll make progress on the talking back. These techniques are easier said than done, but they work. Over time, your relationship with your teen will be much more enjoyable.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT