Every week in my counseling office, I sit across the room from at least one Orange County teenager who is struggling with codependency. They do not usually realize this is their struggle. Their parents call me because their child is feeling a lot of anxiety, or has been having a hard time in their friendships. Sometimes the teen has been feeling depressed, or is acting out. Many, many times the call comes because parents are fed up with their child’s association with a certain group of kids, and this has caused some big arguments in the house.
This is a common enough problem that if you are my client and you are reading this, you might think I am telling your story. Well, in a sense I might be; this is true because codependency in teenagers is very common, and very challenging to work with.
First of all, what is codependency, and what does it mean when a teenager is codependent? Codependent behavior is when you cannot let go of someone who needs to make a change in their life. You feel valued by “helping” someone who actually does not want help. Let me explain this better with the most common scenario I see. I work with a lot of teenage girls who are dating a boy that uses/experiments with drugs. The girl hates this and tells her boyfriend to stop using. The boyfriend makes all kinds of promises, and the girl feels important. The girl believes the relationship is saving the boyfriend from spiraling downward into harder, more addictive drugs. She knows it is not good for her to date someone like this, but she feels value because she thinks he loves her enough to stop. She says things to me such as, “I can’t break-up with him because then he’d really fall apart.” (Just so we’re clear, I used the example of the girl being codependent, but boys are often codependent too.)
Friendships can have the same elements of codependency as dating relationships. A great number of teens I work with know they ought to make better friends. However, they often hold two beliefs preventing this. The first one is that the “better” people would not want to befriend them. The second (the codependent belief) is that their friends would do worse things if they were not around to keep them in check.
So, now that you know what codependency is, and what it can look like in teenagers, when is it time to end a relationship?
1. When your teen comes home upset on a regular basis. Adolescents are often moody, so I am referring to extra moody.
2. When you notice your teenager is clinging to a friend who only calls them back when nobody else is available.
3. If your teenager has been giving a lot of money to a friend.
4. If your teen is consistently asking you how to help a certain person, and you’re not sure it’s a good idea.
5. If your teen begins to lie in order to cover for a friend.
6. I’m sorry that I even have to write this one down, but it comes up more than you’d think. If your teenager starts asking you to lie to a friend’s parents to cover for that friend.
7. If you find out your teenager has been picking up their friend from unusual situations.
8. If your teen’s friends have spent the night and you didn’t even know they were coming over (This doesn’t mean your kid is codependent, it’s just a caution flag.)
9. If your teen is dating someone and all their friends stop coming around.
10. If you have a strong feeling of dislike for the person your teen is dating, and their friends agree with you.
Codependency in teenagers is common, but destructive. It raises levels of anxiety for your teen, and it can leave them feeling down. As a parent, this is very painful to watch. Codependency is difficult, but can be helped. Often this takes a parent being really firm, or it takes some good counseling.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Why is it that most people who party as teens don’t end up with an alcohol abuse problem? How come an unlucky few end up as alcoholics? Researchers have been experimenting on rats and have found what they believe is a solid link to the human brain in this case.
Check out this quick article. I thought it was fascinating: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322271.php
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Some people’s brains lead them to seek out alcohol once they’ve tried it. Credit: Wikimedia/free-images.com
Yes, your teenager knows someone hooked on vaping. Yes, your teenager has been offered a vape, probably multiple times. Yes, people are vaping at school. No, it’s not simply fruit flavored water vapor. Yes, they can easily access “pods” even though they are underage. Yes, it is highly addictive and is a exponentially growing problem.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Codependence is emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually exhausting.
Codependence, also known as co-addiction, can wreck havoc on a person’s life. It is best explained through a hypothetical example:
Karen is a 30 year old woman who has struggled for years with addiction to crystal meth. She first tried it when she was 20. She began to use more and more frequently until she was crashing on “friends'” couches instead of having a home, lost her job, and sometimes went a few days without affording food. Throughout this period of time she stayed in contact with her mom.
Karen’s mom, Jane, was naturally worried sick about her daughter. Sometimes Karen would move back in with Jane. Jane always made Karen promise not to use anymore, but would never stick with her rules. She justified allowing Karen to use methamphetamine in the house because, ‘At least then I know where she is and I know she’s safe.’ She paid for seven rehabs for Karen. At some point Jane had to take a second mortgage on her home to try and pay for another rehab. Jane also would give Karen money when she saw that Karen was hungry. She paid for Karen’s cell phone bill, ‘so I don’t lose track of her.’ Essentially Jane’s addiction became trying to help Karen get healthy.
On the surface Jane sounds like a loving mom going to any length to help her daughter. Indeed Jane’s actions are motivated by a combination of love and fear. The problem though is that Jane is helping Karen continue to use drugs, and has completely destroyed her own financial future. Every time Jane gives Karen money, pays for her cell phone, or allows her to move home when she is not clean and sober, it frees up what little money Karen gets to buy more meth. Although Jane does not directly give Karen money to buy meth, she does indirectly. Also, Karen has not really shown any signs that she wants to get better. Despite this, Jane has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to try and fix this. Jane has paid for rehabs (these are typically quite expensive), cell phone, money for food, etc. Jane now has an extra large mortgage, which will financially burden her into retirement.
Like many people who struggle with co-addiction, Jane’s entire identity is wrapped up in trying to convince her daughter to get better. Karen’s addiction did not have to ruin Jane’s life too. While Karen’s addiction would have always been a source of pain and deep disappointment for Jane, both she and Karen would have been better off if Jane held firm and healthy boundaries.
As a therapist who focuses on treatment of addiction in families, helping to disentangle the web of codependency is one of the main things I do. And, actually, when the codependent family member or friend changes their behavior to a healthier position, oftentimes the addict decides to get better. If the story of Karen and Jane feels a little too close to home, firstly, my heart hurts for you. Secondly, the stronger you get, the more you are helping the addict you love to recover.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Sober fun during summer isn’t as hard to come by as your teen might think. Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Summer is here. For most parents this is a relief. You’re thankful your teenager is out of school because there is so much less stress when they aren’t doing homework, playing sports, etc. However, for those of you who have a teenager with a history of drinking or drug use, summer is a dreadful time. Every day of the week is a Friday night, and they spend a lot of time unsupervised during the day.
Here are some ideas for sober summer fun that might help your teenager have fun without using substances:
1) Plan a movie night. Let your teenager invite a few friends over to watch movies late into the night. Teens like to do things at night, and usually if they have a plan first they make better choices. You can have snacks ready, and several movies available to choose from.
2) Teens always enjoy a day at the beach. Again, have some planning in place. Make sure you’re driving and another parent is picking up. They’re less likely to use drugs or drink if they know a parent will pick them up. Pack a cooler of food and sodas/juice/water for them and their friends to enjoy.
3) Go for a hike. Even if your teenager doesn’t want you there with them, taking them to a spot where they can hike with a few friends can be a great activity for them to do during summer.
4) Swim in a backyard pool, or a busy neighborhood pool. One place teenagers tend to drink alcohol is at the pool when nobody else is around. In a backyard pool with a parent home it is hard to get away with this. The same goes for a busy community pool.
5) Learn to surf. Any surfer will tell you the best time to surf is very early in the morning. Teens who love to surf might be less likely to party late because they want to get up early the next day. I realize surfers have a reputation for marijuana use, but the act of surfing doesn’t really go well with being high or intoxicated. It takes way too much energy and concentration.
6) Get involved with a high school church youth group. These groups are always planning fun activities during summer from bowling to camping trips. Of course these are always sober outings.
7) Volunteer time. Spending time helping others who are less fortunate is actually fun, and feels rewarding. It also causes teens to think about something other than themselves. When teens are getting high or drinking they tend to be thinking about themselves so volunteering is a great way to break through self-focused thought.
8) Play a sport. I worked with a kid who got high multiple times per day for two years. When he decided to get sober he realized a lot of his friends played basketball each day. He started to play with them and then didn’t want to smoke out anymore because he ran better, reacted faster and played smarter when he was sober.
9) Take a class. There are a lot of interesting, quirky classes offered throughout the community and at the local colleges. Encourage your child to take a class on pottery or dance. They’ll grumble at first but they will most likely end up enjoying honing a new skill.
10) Start exercising. See if your teen can get a friend to work out with on a regular basis. This is really good for self-confidence and stress relief. While your teen might not be extremely stressed over summer, they also might use and drink less if they feel better about themselves.
If you’re the parent of an adolescent and you’re worried about too much summer free-time, hopefully you’ve found this a little bit helpful. It will probably work even better if you let your teenager read through the list and see what they’re willing to do. Sometimes they will say ‘no’ simply because you suggested it.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Belief in God has helped many walk away from addiction. Image Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net
Does faith play a role in healing from addiction? Unequivocally, yes. Some people do find ways to get over their addictions without faith, but it seems to be rare. Generally those who quit using have placed their faith in something they believe gives them purpose. Very often, this is God. When life has come to the point where it feels as though there is no point without a high, a sober existence seems boring and unacceptable. It is also usually a miserable process to become sober. This is where faith is very important.
A person needs a reason to get sober. If they can come to believe something bigger than themselves exists, and that thing created them on purpose, sometimes that is reason enough. The addict who is just trying to stop using has to have hope that life will be more meaningful on the other side. This is hard to believe until faith enters the picture. It really helps when the addict comes to know that God made them for a specific reason. The other reason knowing this is so important is that there is no guarantee of happiness. An addict has often spent a very long time pursuing happiness and good feelings. Pursuing God’s purpose does not always mean happiness and good feelings, although it does mean fulfillment.
If you ask a former addict how they stopped using their substance of choice, most of them will tell you through their faith. What they mean by this is that they believed they had value because of their higher cause, and they began to pursue God instead of a temporary high. They learned to accept that sometimes life is unpleasant because they came to place their hope in something better for their future.
It can be really difficult to figure out what to believe in when in the throes of addiction. The addiction cycle becomes so miserable and depressing that the addict is desperate to escape. However, what the addict must go through to escape is complete torture. It takes a real dependence on God to get through the misery of detox and resisting urges to get high. It takes a complete change in paradigm to leave behind old friends and lifestyle. This kind of change rarely happens without something dramatic. Perhaps this is why Alcoholics Anonymous was founded on the idea of giving the addiction over to God. Perhaps this is why many, many thousands have given up their addiction through the programming at Celebrate Recovery.
If you or your teenager is stuck in the horrific cycle of addiction, try everything you can to hold onto the promise of God’s love. There is no guarantee that you will be happy sober. However, there is the promise that if you pursue God’s purpose for your life you will feel like you have meaning; you will feel as though you have something to offer the world after all this time of feeling worthless.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
