Codependence is emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually exhausting.
Codependence, also known as co-addiction, can wreck havoc on a person’s life. It is best explained through a hypothetical example:
Karen is a 30 year old woman who has struggled for years with addiction to crystal meth. She first tried it when she was 20. She began to use more and more frequently until she was crashing on “friends'” couches instead of having a home, lost her job, and sometimes went a few days without affording food. Throughout this period of time she stayed in contact with her mom.
Karen’s mom, Jane, was naturally worried sick about her daughter. Sometimes Karen would move back in with Jane. Jane always made Karen promise not to use anymore, but would never stick with her rules. She justified allowing Karen to use methamphetamine in the house because, ‘At least then I know where she is and I know she’s safe.’ She paid for seven rehabs for Karen. At some point Jane had to take a second mortgage on her home to try and pay for another rehab. Jane also would give Karen money when she saw that Karen was hungry. She paid for Karen’s cell phone bill, ‘so I don’t lose track of her.’ Essentially Jane’s addiction became trying to help Karen get healthy.
On the surface Jane sounds like a loving mom going to any length to help her daughter. Indeed Jane’s actions are motivated by a combination of love and fear. The problem though is that Jane is helping Karen continue to use drugs, and has completely destroyed her own financial future. Every time Jane gives Karen money, pays for her cell phone, or allows her to move home when she is not clean and sober, it frees up what little money Karen gets to buy more meth. Although Jane does not directly give Karen money to buy meth, she does indirectly. Also, Karen has not really shown any signs that she wants to get better. Despite this, Jane has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to try and fix this. Jane has paid for rehabs (these are typically quite expensive), cell phone, money for food, etc. Jane now has an extra large mortgage, which will financially burden her into retirement.
Like many people who struggle with co-addiction, Jane’s entire identity is wrapped up in trying to convince her daughter to get better. Karen’s addiction did not have to ruin Jane’s life too. While Karen’s addiction would have always been a source of pain and deep disappointment for Jane, both she and Karen would have been better off if Jane held firm and healthy boundaries.
As a therapist who focuses on treatment of addiction in families, helping to disentangle the web of codependency is one of the main things I do. And, actually, when the codependent family member or friend changes their behavior to a healthier position, oftentimes the addict decides to get better. If the story of Karen and Jane feels a little too close to home, firstly, my heart hurts for you. Secondly, the stronger you get, the more you are helping the addict you love to recover.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Sober fun during summer isn’t as hard to come by as your teen might think. Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Summer is here. For most parents this is a relief. You’re thankful your teenager is out of school because there is so much less stress when they aren’t doing homework, playing sports, etc. However, for those of you who have a teenager with a history of drinking or drug use, summer is a dreadful time. Every day of the week is a Friday night, and they spend a lot of time unsupervised during the day.
Here are some ideas for sober summer fun that might help your teenager have fun without using substances:
1) Plan a movie night. Let your teenager invite a few friends over to watch movies late into the night. Teens like to do things at night, and usually if they have a plan first they make better choices. You can have snacks ready, and several movies available to choose from.
2) Teens always enjoy a day at the beach. Again, have some planning in place. Make sure you’re driving and another parent is picking up. They’re less likely to use drugs or drink if they know a parent will pick them up. Pack a cooler of food and sodas/juice/water for them and their friends to enjoy.
3) Go for a hike. Even if your teenager doesn’t want you there with them, taking them to a spot where they can hike with a few friends can be a great activity for them to do during summer.
4) Swim in a backyard pool, or a busy neighborhood pool. One place teenagers tend to drink alcohol is at the pool when nobody else is around. In a backyard pool with a parent home it is hard to get away with this. The same goes for a busy community pool.
5) Learn to surf. Any surfer will tell you the best time to surf is very early in the morning. Teens who love to surf might be less likely to party late because they want to get up early the next day. I realize surfers have a reputation for marijuana use, but the act of surfing doesn’t really go well with being high or intoxicated. It takes way too much energy and concentration.
6) Get involved with a high school church youth group. These groups are always planning fun activities during summer from bowling to camping trips. Of course these are always sober outings.
7) Volunteer time. Spending time helping others who are less fortunate is actually fun, and feels rewarding. It also causes teens to think about something other than themselves. When teens are getting high or drinking they tend to be thinking about themselves so volunteering is a great way to break through self-focused thought.
8) Play a sport. I worked with a kid who got high multiple times per day for two years. When he decided to get sober he realized a lot of his friends played basketball each day. He started to play with them and then didn’t want to smoke out anymore because he ran better, reacted faster and played smarter when he was sober.
9) Take a class. There are a lot of interesting, quirky classes offered throughout the community and at the local colleges. Encourage your child to take a class on pottery or dance. They’ll grumble at first but they will most likely end up enjoying honing a new skill.
10) Start exercising. See if your teen can get a friend to work out with on a regular basis. This is really good for self-confidence and stress relief. While your teen might not be extremely stressed over summer, they also might use and drink less if they feel better about themselves.
If you’re the parent of an adolescent and you’re worried about too much summer free-time, hopefully you’ve found this a little bit helpful. It will probably work even better if you let your teenager read through the list and see what they’re willing to do. Sometimes they will say ‘no’ simply because you suggested it.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Belief in God has helped many walk away from addiction. Image Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net
Does faith play a role in healing from addiction? Unequivocally, yes. Some people do find ways to get over their addictions without faith, but it seems to be rare. Generally those who quit using have placed their faith in something they believe gives them purpose. Very often, this is God. When life has come to the point where it feels as though there is no point without a high, a sober existence seems boring and unacceptable. It is also usually a miserable process to become sober. This is where faith is very important.
A person needs a reason to get sober. If they can come to believe something bigger than themselves exists, and that thing created them on purpose, sometimes that is reason enough. The addict who is just trying to stop using has to have hope that life will be more meaningful on the other side. This is hard to believe until faith enters the picture. It really helps when the addict comes to know that God made them for a specific reason. The other reason knowing this is so important is that there is no guarantee of happiness. An addict has often spent a very long time pursuing happiness and good feelings. Pursuing God’s purpose does not always mean happiness and good feelings, although it does mean fulfillment.
If you ask a former addict how they stopped using their substance of choice, most of them will tell you through their faith. What they mean by this is that they believed they had value because of their higher cause, and they began to pursue God instead of a temporary high. They learned to accept that sometimes life is unpleasant because they came to place their hope in something better for their future.
It can be really difficult to figure out what to believe in when in the throes of addiction. The addiction cycle becomes so miserable and depressing that the addict is desperate to escape. However, what the addict must go through to escape is complete torture. It takes a real dependence on God to get through the misery of detox and resisting urges to get high. It takes a complete change in paradigm to leave behind old friends and lifestyle. This kind of change rarely happens without something dramatic. Perhaps this is why Alcoholics Anonymous was founded on the idea of giving the addiction over to God. Perhaps this is why many, many thousands have given up their addiction through the programming at Celebrate Recovery.
If you or your teenager is stuck in the horrific cycle of addiction, try everything you can to hold onto the promise of God’s love. There is no guarantee that you will be happy sober. However, there is the promise that if you pursue God’s purpose for your life you will feel like you have meaning; you will feel as though you have something to offer the world after all this time of feeling worthless.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Our families need to connect. Each of us needs to feel important to the others. This is impossible if we’re always checking, texts, emails, snaps, Instagram, etc. We get frustrated that our teenagers are on their phones 24/7, but are we any better? Most adults I know have their cell in their hand or in their pocket. It’s never more than arm’s length away. You entire family needs some coordinated time without any form of electronic entertainment. Believe me, at first it feels weird. Eventually though it feels great!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
It can be difficult to control what your teen is doing with their cell phone. Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I never cease to be surprised in my job. You would think after enough years of sitting across the counseling room with teenagers that I’d have heard it all. For the most part, I have. However, their ingenuity with technology continues to boggle my mind. It’s all I can do to keep up with them, and they’re freely admitting to me how they misuse technology to do sneaky things. I can’t imagine how challenging it is for parents to try and figure out which app is being used for what, how to track what kind of pictures your child is posting and viewing online, and who in the world they’re talking to.
I will share what I know based on what I hear in the counseling room:
Firstly, most teenagers are using their cell phones appropriately. The majority of kids are not sneaking. They use their phones to call home, and to text their friends. They keep up with their friends on Snapchat and Instagram. They post things you’d be entirely fine with their grandma seeing, and a lot of them even “unfollow” people they know who post things they shouldn’t be. This is their social hub. This is how they are informed when someone is having a party, a group of people are going to the beach, or getting together to see a movie. They text one another questions about homework. They send encouragement if they’re having a bad day. They tell mom and dad if they change locations when they’re out with friends.
There are also a significant number of adolescents who are misusing the privilege of having a phone. Really, it’s the unrestricted internet access that’s the problem. Just texting and making phone calls is rarely the issue for a teenager. Even if you have the most sophisticated parental blocking system on your teenager’s cell phone, there is always a work-around. For example, most programs don’t block things on Facebook and Instagram. If you type in the right search terms, you can find pages dedicated to uploading pornographic images. Your teenager might also be trying out “Kik.” This is an app that allows chats with strangers, and the conversation history can be deleted. I have worked with more than one kid who met someone they thought was nice on Kik, but I was left wondering if they were a masquerading child sexual predator. In both cases these “girls” sent inappropriate photos to the adolescent boys I was working with. They tried to get information about the boys and asked for photos in return.
Here’s the main point: Be extremely careful when your child has a smart phone. You have to know how to check through their phone from time to time to see what they’re up to. More innocently, sometimes teenagers sign up for sites and input their home addresses and phone numbers. They don’t mean anything by it, but it still gives out information you might prefer be kept private.
The data plan on a phone definitely is a privilege. It seems like most teenagers now consider it a requirement for their survival, much like food, clothes and shelter. Do everything you can to teach them responsibility with their phone. A lot of teens are getting into things simply because they don’t have supervision on their phones, and don’t yet have the brain development required to really recognize the danger they might be in (that comes in late adolescence, which is the early 20s). I’ve noticed this most frequently with apps like Tinder. I wish I could promise you your teen is smart enough not to meet strangers from apps like Tinder, but enough of them do it that I can’t make you that promise. It’s really tough on parents to keep up these days, but it’s essential to your teenager developing healthy habits.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Use of e-cigs, or vaping, has increased in teenagers dramatically. Anecdotally I have seen a tremendous upswing in the number of teens using nicotine and marijuana ever since electronic cigarettes came out. It has been particularly pronounced in the last two years. Apparently studies support this. Studies also show that use of e-cigs has a high correlation to eventual cigarette use.
Check out this infographic from National Institute on Drug Abuse; National Institutes on Health; and the US Department of Health and Human Services.
This should warn us all that adolescents are much more willing to try vaping than cigarettes. Since they were small children, teens have been socialized to think cigarette smoking is “disgusting,” and “dangerous.” Because vaping smells much better (if it smells at all), and because most teenagers aren’t aware of the dangers, some try it. They truly think they’re inhaling water vapor. This is simply not true.
A study was just released from the University of California at San Francisco that definitively links e-cig use to cancer causing toxins. The saliva and urine was tested in non-using teens, vaping-only teens, and teens who both smoke cigarettes and vape. While the highest amounts of the toxins were in the group the used both, a significant amount was also in the group that vaped. The group who didn’t use at all didn’t have these toxins in their bodies. More on the report written about this study can be found at http://abcnews.go.com/Health/teens-cigarettes-show-evidence-toxic-chemicals-smokers-study/story?id=53537714.
Here’s the bottom line: vaping is very dangerous for your adolescents. The devices used to vape can look like a USB stick, wifi connector, credit card, a tiny black square, fancy pen, highlighter, etc. You won’t smell smoke either. You have to ask your teen outright, and keep track of their social media pictures. If you suspect your teen might be vaping, but they won’t tell you the truth and you can’t definitively pin it on them, call their pediatrician. They can order a nicotine test on your child (which won’t cover everything that can be vaped, but it will tell you quite a lot).
If you need to talk more about your teen’s potential addiction, we’re here to help. Give us a call.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
