by Lauren Goodman | Mar 15, 2017 | Teen Addiction
Technology addiction in teens is a growing problem.
Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
12 signs your teenager might be a technology addict:
1. Cannot part with the smart phone: If you are at the dinner table, your teenager has their phone sitting beside their dinner plate. You cannot get them to give it to you at night and you have caught them texting at 2 or 3 in the morning on more than one occasion.
2. Is missing sleep to play games/check Snapchat/text: Teens need between 8.5 and 9.5 hours of sleep to function at their optimum level. If your teenager is getting fewer than that and yet spends multiple hours doing useless online tasks, they are losing sleep for online time.
3. Has more online friendships than offline: Teenagers who constantly text, Snapchat, Instagram, talk through Xbox Live, and other forms of online socializing might have this problem. This is particularly true when you never actually see any friends in person, and when your teenager never seems to go out.
4. Spends more than 3 hours a day in front of a screen: They do need some screen time to complete homework. That’s just the way it goes these days. However, checking messages hundreds of times per day takes a lot of time, and is addictive.
5. Is unhealthy in other areas of life as a direct result of screen time: If your adolescent is not taking care of their spiritual, emotional, academic, family, social and physical health it’s because those things all require a little bit of time and effort. When all available energy goes into online activity, there often isn’t much left over for the real world.
6. You are fighting about technology use all the time: Do you find yourself constantly irritated by how much time your teen is spending on their phone/computer/gaming console? Are you asking them to stop all the time, or threatening to take away their electronics? Maybe you wish you could have a conversation about something else for a change, or even a conversation at all. This can be a sign of electronics addiction.
7. Sneaks it when you say no: You’ve turned off the wifi and told your teen they cannot use the internet for the rest of the day. You catch them using their data plan on their phone, or sneaking to turn the internet back on.
8. Won’t engage with family on account of using an electronic: The family is getting together to go out to dinner, watch a movie, or play a game. Your teenager has no interest in joining you because they’d rather watch Netflix or play video games.
9. Is better at video gaming than anything else in life: Your teen’s primary skill is video gaming. They are extremely talented at playing video games, but cannot cook an egg, hammer in a nail or write an essay. We are good at skills we spend time working to improve. If your teenager only develops skills with a gaming remote, then they won’t have much to market to the real world later in life.
10. Only requests technology related gifts for birthdays and holidays: Your teenager isn’t asking for new clothes, to be taken to a certain restaurant, or for movie theater gift cards. The only thing they want you to get for them is the new version of a game they like to play, the most recent version of the iPhone, a new tablet, etc.
11. Is only motivated by access to electronics: The only way you seem to be able to get your adolescent to complete tasks is to either bribe them with a new electronic gadget, or threaten to take away their current gadget. They don’t want to work for money, pride of doing a good job, or to learn useful skills for their future.
12. Chooses screen time over personal hygiene: Your teenager really should shower more than they do. However, shower time is procrastinated because they are watching Netflix, playing a game or can’t put down the phone. Sometimes it gets so late they end up missing days of personal care. You now feel like you’re on their back all the time like when they were 3 years old and didn’t like to take a bath.
Technology addiction in adolescents is a serious growing problem. It is difficult for parents to understand because we didn’t grow up with nearly as many distractions. There was one phone in the house and it was attached to the wall with a cord. The family might have had a single computer and splurged for 10 hours per month of dial up internet access. As a teen if we were bored we had to call a friend, read a book, go for a walk, etc. Now there is an instant way to be entertained and feel good. Once this turns into addiction, it becomes a huge battle in the home. It is frustrating and overwhelming for parents. Getting help to get life back on track is essential to everyone’s well being.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jan 23, 2017 | Teen Addiction
Gaming creates psychological addiction in teenagers.
Credit: Idea Go/freedigitalphotos.net
Something you might be struggling with is how to control much your teenager uses video games. Teens completely lose track of time while they are playing engrossing and challenging video games. This can become so severe that they become sleep deprived, stop exercising, do all their socializing with other people playing the games and watch their grades plummet. You might feel like your relationship with your teenager has gone downhill. You used to spend time together but now they are always itching to get back on the computer or back to the Xbox. It’s driving you nuts! It also has you very worried.
What do you do?
Before you do anything you have to remind yourself that you’re the parent. This doesn’t mean you become rude or threatening, but it does mean you know it’s your house. You’re paying the bills. You most likely bought the Xbox. Once you firmly believe this and have truly gathered the grit you’ll need to regain who is in charge, you’re ready.
Step 1: You and your child’s other parent need to remember many times in the past when you set a boundary for your child out of love. Go back to when they were really small because it’s very straight-forward when they’re young. You used to make them hold your hand when they crossed the street. Although they wanted to run into the street, you stopped them because you loved them enough to keep them from being hit by a car. They might have protested and even tried to pull their hand away, but you held on tight. When they got a little bit older you didn’t let them go swimming without an adult present. You loved your child enough to tell them they had to wait until someone could sit and make sure they were safe at the pool. You loved them too much to let them drown. They might have protested then too, but you understood that children don’t necessarily see the danger in an activity they really want to do. When they were even older you made them finish their homework assignments. You understood that they didn’t want to do it, and you hated to see them struggle and be frustrated, but you loved them enough to ensure they could read, write and do some math. You get the idea. Come up with at least 10 examples of when you parented out of love even when your child didn’t appreciate the limits you set.
Step 2: You and the child’s other parent need to define the consequences of what will happen if your child continues to be addicted to video games. You don’t need to share this with your kid, you just need to know it for your own sake. You need to know what the metaphorical cars are that might hit your child if he runs into the metaphorical street. For example, “If my daughter continues to play 5 hours of video games per day, she will not develop the social skills she needs to have healthy friendships.” Another example is, “If my son continues to spend his whole weekend playing video games, he will not get the exercise he needs to have a healthy body and live a long, pain-free life.” Keep going with this until you have exhausted the list. Again, this is essential because you have to know the dangers from which you’re protecting your child. You have to see how addictive video gaming can lead to emotional death, physical ailment, stunted development, etc. This has to become scary enough to YOU that you are ready for the fight you will probably have when you set limits.
Step 3: Define the limits and consequences. You and your child’s other parent still need to work together on this. Decide together how often your teenager will have screen time, and what the consequences are if your teen sneaks more game time. Make sure you are both on the same page with this. If you truly think your child has an addiction then it is advisable to completely eliminate any form of computer and online gaming for at least 6 months. Your child needs to “dry out.”
Step 4: Present your plan to your teenager. You will probably get an argument, comments about how you’re stupid, or a lot of tears. Stay extremely calm and even show empathy (Remember, they’ve just lost their favorite activity and access to online friends). Do not bend though. This is not a compromise. You run your house and you are the parent.
I know this is not easy. Once you really walk through these steps you realize how much of an addiction your teenager has. It is alarming to realize the dangers your teen is facing. They are indirect dangers since your teenager is physically at home, in a chair. They are dangers that come from an isolated, inactive lifestyle. Stay the course and be patient. Eventually your child will actually tell you he or she is glad you intervened. This is once they re-engage in the real world. Until then, remember that loving your kid well doesn’t mean always being liked.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jan 16, 2017 | Teen Addiction
Addiction to drugs is heartbreaking for the rest of the family.
I was browsing the internet today for poetry that captures how a family member feels who has an addicted sibling, child, parent, etc. I think this poem captured it beautifully. It is very sad.
The Battle
© Julie
The words that have yet been spoken
The things I need to say.
To voice what’s within my heart
I just can’t find a way.
I’ve fought with my emotions
I’ve held them deep inside.
I didn’t want to face what for so long
You’ve tried to hide.
I’ve been lost within the dark
for so long I’ve seen no light.
Holding on to the memory
of a time when things were right.
I’ve looked upon your face
and seen the sadness in your eyes.
The battle of addiction
you no longer can disguise.
I’ve prayed to find the answers
of what I myself must do.
And I’ve prayed for the strength to fight
through the hell that I go through.I’ve held on for so long
but I can no longer watch you die.
I cannot fight this for you
but Lord knows how I’ve tried.
It’s just so hard to watch the ones you love
slowly slip away.
That’s why I just blocked it out
and held onto yesterday.
I don’t have all the answers
or the power to save your soul.
You’re broken, lost and lonely
and I cannot make you whole.
This fight is yours and yours alone
no matter what I do.
For I cannot save you
the only one who can
is you.
Poem Source: The Battle Of Addiction, Addiction Poemshttp://www.familyfriendpoems.com/family/poetry.asp?poem=19622#ixzz13ayD0CeI
Wow! That is so powerful. This is a great poem though. It really helps us understand both the heartbreak family members feel, and the struggle they go through to stop trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
Helping teens grow, and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Dec 10, 2016 | Teen Addiction
Video Gaming Addiction in teenagers can cause serious relational difficulties.
Image courtesy of franky242 / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Something you might be struggling with is how to control much your teenager uses video games. Teens completely lose track of time while they are playing engrossing and challenging video games. This can become so severe that they become sleep deprived, stop exercising, do all their socializing with other people playing the games and watch their grades plummet. You might feel like your relationship with your teenager has gone downhill. You used to spend time together but now they are always itching to get back on the computer or back to the Xbox. It’s driving you nuts! It also has you very worried.
What do you do?
Before you do anything you have to remind yourself that you’re the parent. This doesn’t mean you become rude or threatening, but it does mean you know it’s your house. You’re paying the bills. You most likely bought the Xbox. Once you firmly believe this and have truly gathered the grit you’ll need to regain who is in charge, you’re ready.
Step 1: You and your child’s other parent need to remember many times in the past when you set a boundary for your child out of love. Go back to when they were really small because it’s very straight-forward when they’re young. You used to make them hold your hand when they crossed the street. Although they wanted to run into the street, you stopped them because you loved them enough to keep them from being hit by a car. They might have protested and even tried to pull their hand away, but you held on tight. When they got a little bit older you didn’t let them go swimming without an adult present. You loved your child enough to tell them they had to wait until someone could sit and make sure they were safe at the pool. You loved them too much to let them drown. They might have protested then too, but you understood that children don’t necessarily see the danger in an activity they really want to do. When they were even older you made them finish their homework assignments. You understood that they didn’t want to do it, and you hated to see them struggle and be frustrated, but you loved them enough to ensure they could read, write and do some math. You get the idea. Come up with at least 10 examples of when you parented out of love even when your child didn’t appreciate the limits you set.
Step 2: You and the child’s other parent need to define the consequences of what will happen if your child continues to be addicted to video games. You don’t need to share this with your kid, you just need to know it for your own sake. You need to know what the metaphorical cars are that might hit your child if he runs into the metaphorical street. For example, “If my daughter continues to play 5 hours of video games per day, she will not develop the social skills she needs to have healthy friendships.” Another example is, “If my son continues to spend his whole weekend playing video games, he will not get the exercise he needs to have a healthy body and live a long, pain-free life.” Keep going with this until you have exhausted the list. Again, this is essential because you have to know the dangers from which you’re protecting your child. You have to see how addictive video gaming can lead to emotional death, physical ailment, stunted development, etc. This has to become scary enough to YOU that you are ready for the fight you will probably have when you set limits.
Step 3: Define the limits and consequences. You and your child’s other parent still need to work together on this. Decide together how often your teenager will have screen time, and what the consequences are if your teen sneaks more game time. Make sure you are both on the same page with this. If you truly think your child has an addiction then it is advisable to completely eliminate any form of computer and online gaming for at least 6 months. Your child needs to “dry out.”
Step 4: Present your plan to your teenager. You will probably get an argument, comments about how you’re stupid, or a lot of tears. Stay extremely calm and even show empathy (Remember, they’ve just lost their favorite activity and access to online friends). Do not bend though. This is not a compromise. You run your house and you are the parent.
I know this is not easy. Once you really walk through these steps you realize how much of an addiction your teenager has. It is alarming to realize the dangers your teen is facing. They are indirect dangers since your teenager is physically at home, in a chair. They are dangers that come from an isolated, inactive lifestyle. Stay the course and be patient. Eventually your child will actually tell you he or she is glad you intervened. This is once they re-engage in the real world. Until then, remember that loving your kid well doesn’t mean always being liked.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Dec 1, 2016 | Teen Addiction
Teen alcohol abuse is scary for any parent.
Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
Depending in what type of parent you are, it may or may not scare you when your teenager binge drinks. Some parents think it’s not a huge deal if their teen comes home drunk because “Kids experiment at this age.” Some parents even go to the extent of allowing their adolescents to drink with friends at their own house while parents are home “because at least then none of them are driving and there’s an adult around. They’re going to do it anyway. Now I know they’re safe.” Other parents are extremely upset if their teenager binge drinks, or drinks at all. They take away everything and ground their child for 3 months.
While there is not a one size fits all way to handle it if and when your teenager tries alcohol, there has to be some combination of understanding and consequences. However, if your teenager is frequently binge drinking, you might have a budding addiction on your hands; that needs to be dealt with in an entirely different manner than the teenager who gets drunk a couple times per year with friends.
One of the many jobs you have as a parent is to teach your child how to responsibly handle alcohol. Like it or not, it’s a huge part of our society. It seems like many teens think alcohol is something that exists to create a buzz or get drunk; this is a problem. It’s important to talk with your children about how adults can have a social drink or two, plan carefully for who will drive, and to understand the risks associated with overuse of alcohol. If you model appropriate use of alcohol in front of your teens, and keep the conversation open, you will have a lot to do with how they view alcohol. If you say nothing, then their other adolescent friends will teach them about alcohol… Some of you have a long family history of alcoholism. It may make sense for you to teach your child to avoid alcohol completely. In either case, adolescents need to know the why behind everything you’re teaching them, so explain, explain, explain.
A common definition of binge drinking is four or more drinks per sitting for females, and five or more for males. Binge drinking is linked to much higher incidences of alcohol dependence, car accidents, the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, etc.
This is scary information. Teens really don’t know what they’re getting into when they abuse alcohol. They tend to think everything will be fine. They also are not always likely to seek out help for someone who might have alcohol poisoning. They worry about getting into trouble so they don’t call a parent or 9-1-1. Please talk to your kids about this as well. What do you think about giving them immunity in the situations where they seek out help for someone who might be alcohol poisoned? Usually that means your teenager wasn’t where they said they’d be because it’s unlikely you’d have given them permission to be around other teens who are getting drunk.
Teen partying is here to stay. It’s been around since our parents were kids, and it will be an issue when our grandkids are teenagers. Keep the communication lines open with your teenager. Walk the line between applying consequences for their bad behavior and being understanding very carefully so they feel emotionally safe to keep telling you the truth. Teach them how to handle alcohol appropriately. Get help from a family member, a friend or a counselor if you are struggling with alcohol yourself. Approximately 10% of the American adult population struggles with alcohol in some way or the other. Admitting this and seeking help will benefit your children who are watching everything you do in more ways than you can imagine.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Nov 3, 2016 | Teen Addiction
The first days of sobriety after addiction can be intensely difficult.
Image courtesy of Danilo Rizzuti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Maintaining sobriety in the first 90 days is VERY challenging. Here are 10 tips to help stay on track:
1. Make sure you don’t have any mind-altering substances in your house. This means getting rid of all alcohol and cleaning out your medicine cabinet. Even if you did not struggle with these drugs, it is easy to substitute one high for another if you feel desperate.
2. Get a sponsor. This means finding someone who has been sober for awhile that will call you daily to check on you. This is your go-to person when you get a craving.
3. Put barriers in place. If you used to buy from the guy who worked the 5 pm shift with you, get your work schedule changed to work with him as little as possible.
4. Find a social group that is sober. Often if you have used for any significant length of time, your friendships are built around drinking or using. Go to Alcoholics Anonymous, Celebrate Recovery or Narcotics Anonymous and start participating. You have to make new friends who know how to have fun without substances.
5. Rediscover old hobbies. There are things you used to enjoy doing before you used. Make a list of them. Realize that early in sobriety these things will not sound fun. Go do them anyhow. You will like them once you are doing them.
6. Write a letter to yourself. You will have moments when all you remember is the pleasure of the high or buzz. You will need to read a letter from yourself to address these cravings. It helps a lot if you can remind yourself how miserable you got, lonely and desperate you felt, and physically tired you became.
7. Do not isolate. Often the process of getting sober is depressing. While your brain recalibrates, you might feel a lot of anxiety or depression. It can be hard to reach out to people in those times. However, spending a couple hours with a friend or family member is very refreshing, and pleasantly distracting.
8. Do not date anyone who is newly sober. If you are going to date from the Recovery community, pick someone who has at least 1 year of sobriety. I have seen a lot of people relapse because they thought, “We can do this together.” Both you and the newly sober person have to rediscover who you are, and how to live sober. It is easy to accidentally drag each other down.
9. Go to counseling. It is very helpful to work on the why behind the addiction. Understanding what led you there in the first place helps avoid relapse.
10. Get to know God. This is the best and most proven method of getting sober. All the 12-step programs are based on a foundation that God has made you for a purpose, and you are meant to fulfill that purpose. To know that the God of the universe loves you, forgives you, and wants you is incredible, especially for recovering addicts who often feel worthless and full of shame.
You and your teenager are on an incredibly difficult journey. There are moments when it feels easy, but there are moments of intense struggle. It is always a challenge to go through something as hard as getting sober without your preferred emotional coping mechanism (getting high) because that is the very thing you’re giving up. Do not let go of hope that you will learn how to cope with this, and eventually you’ll feel glad to be sober.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
