Teens have to recover from their parents’ addictions too. Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
For teenagers who have had parents addicted to drugs or alcohol, life has been harder. It’s overwhelming and can be really unpredictable. Excessive drug and alcohol use make it hard for a parent to be fully present and available to their child. They are often parents who are filled with the best of intentions, but are very easily side-tracked by their need to drink, party or use a drug.
If you are a parent who has struggled with addiction, but are now recovering, you might wonder how your teen is supposed to heal from this too. You are astute enough to realize your adolescent does have some healing to do because you understand addiction actually never occurs in isolation, even if it is one of the most isolating struggles a person can face. You know it has affected your children. So what happens next?
I will base my answer on families I have worked with in the past who have dealt with this. This answer is predicated on the assumption that you are truly serious about your sobriety. It assumes you are not continuing to lie to yourself and your family (i.e. you no longer drink alcohol but you take a Xanax every single night in order to fall asleep).
The families I have seen where the addicted parent(s) truly change see a lag time in their teen’s adjustment. Their children have spent years learning to help the family hold it together. They have had times when they’ve gotten themselves to school. They have lied to other adults in order to avoid scrutiny for why they didn’t get their homework done, or were late to practice, or why Mom is not at such and such an event she was supposed to attend. They have possibly driven Dad home from a bar or a party. There has been a need for your child to create a self-sufficiency that is unnatural for their age. They are used to functioning this way, and they don’t immediately trust you enough to let their walls down.
What I have noticed is with consistency and honesty most of these kids do let their parents be parents again. It takes a lot of time, and some amount of struggle. However, deep down all they’ve wanted is for you to be be their safe home base. Now that you’re capable of being that, they are wary. However, if you are extremely patient and kind you will make headway. Help them to know you understand where you’ve fallen short. Don’t be afraid to apologize. Ask a lot of questions about how they’re feeling, but never tell them how they should be feeling.
You will have times where you sense your teenager trying to almost recreate some dysfunction in your relationship. Perhaps your son is now acting out, or your daughter is also experimenting with substances. Your child doesn’t know how to live without a certain amount of chaos. It takes quite a bit of time to detox from constant crisis. Create enough structure where your teenager is forced to forego a chaotic life, but expect them to seek it out for a time.
Most of all, remember your child loves you, and you love them too. Express this often, and be humble.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Younger siblings are affected by teen drug use too. Photo courtesy of Marin from Freedigitalphotos.net
If you have a teen who is addicted to, or abusing drugs or alcohol, it affects the whole family. The way it affects younger siblings is often difficult to manage. Younger siblings have a variety of reactions, but one thing you can count on is that it is hurting them too.
I have worked with countless families who have a teen addict in the household. Invariably when there are younger siblings they suffer. One of the ways I see a younger sibling struggle is very similar to what happens to siblings when one kid gets a terminal illness. There is a lot of focus and energy from parents going towards the child who is sick. The healthy child is overlooked because they are functioning well. This is the same with addiction. A younger sibling might not get the attention they normally would because the addict is creating so much chaos within the home.
Another way I have seen younger siblings affected by drug and alcohol use in older siblings is to idolize the older sibling. Sometimes the younger one thinks the attitude and behaviors of the older sibling are kind of cool. They are introduced to marijuana or alcohol by their older sibling. This is one of the only times their older sibling has paid any attention to them, and it feels really good. So, they end up going down a similar path.
A third way I have seen younger siblings react is to start acting like a parent. They try and become ultra-responsible. They forget how to be a child. They are constantly on their older sibling’s back for causing problems in the family. They start helping with household chores. At first this may seem like a good thing, but if a child takes on parental roles too young then they miss out on crucial developmental stages. Sometimes this causes problems later on.
I have also seen younger siblings develop symptoms of depression, anxiety and other psychological difficulties.
When one of your children is struggling with addiction or drug/alcohol abuse, it is extremely important to manage how you parent the younger children. Make sure they are still getting positive attention, and try your best to encourage them to still be a kid. Communicate what is going on at an age-appropriate level, but do not make the younger child your confidante. No matter what, remember the entire family is suffering because of the addiction. There is nothing easy about this. Seek extra help if you need it and keep in mind that the younger children might need help too.
If this applies to you, my heart breaks for you and your family. I know it is a huge struggle, but hang in there. Keep focus on what is going well in your life too, and help the younger sibling remember that too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Finding out your kids use drugs is scary and heartbreaking.
How should you react the first day you hear your teenager is abusing drugs?
You’ve been suspicious that your teen is using marijuana, or some other drug. You’ve asked your teenager about it before, but they’ve given you plausible stories. One time you thought they looked high when they came home at night, so you mentioned it. Your adolescent told you some dust blew into his eyes, and he’s been rubbing them. You thought that sounded a little strange, but you trust your kid. Another time you thought you smelled a little bit of smoke on your teenager’s clothes, but you just couldn’t be certain. When you asked her about it, she told you that her friends invited some kids over that she’d never met before. She said those kids started smoking. She even went as far as telling you she’d make sure to never hang around those kids again.
Finally, one night you figured out the truth. What you’ve been suspecting turned out to be right. Now what?
1. Take the time to process your emotions. Call someone you’re very close with, who also knows your teen. Preferably this is your teen’s other parent, but sometimes that isn’t possible. Talk it out. Take a few hours to let your emotions settle. You’re probably feeling a combination of fear, anxiety, anger, betrayal and sadness. If you immediately react, you’re likely to say something you’ll regret. The last thing you want in this situation is to have to backtrack with your teen later.
2. Be firm. When you go to discuss this with your child, do not approach them weakly. You don’t need to be mean, and yelling doesn’t help either. However, you do have to be clear about your stance on their drug use. You need to tell them both what you think of it, and how you feel about it. People confuse what they think with how they feel. What you think is the facts you know about their decisions, and the risks they are facing. What you feel is the emotions you’re experiencing, such as hurt, betrayed, foolish, angry, etc. Telling them what you feel is very important and tends to sink in more than telling them what you think. They can argue with what you think, but not how you feel.
3. Don’t be naive. Your teen is likely to make you all kids of promises. They are likely to apologize and promise never to do it again. For you to just believe them because they are crying, or because you really want to believe them is naive. You need to realize that drugs are stronger than will power. Initially your child probably will stop using. However, they will easily slip back into it. At the very least you should read up on recommended steps for helping your teen stay drug free. Usually though, you should take stronger steps than that, and insist on some kind of treatment.
4. Get yourself help. You’ve been unintentionally enabling your child’s drug use. This is not to blame you for your adolescent’s choices. However, because you didn’t know they were using, you were still willing to give them money to go out to dinner or the movies. Without meaning to, you’ve been supplying money for their drugs. From what I’ve seen, parents often are very surprised by the ways their drug using teens have manipulated them. You need extra help to avoid this. Two great, free places to start your education are Celebrate Recovery or Alanon. These both have groups for codependent [enabling] behaviors. From there, you may decide to seek out more help.
5. Take your time. Your initial reaction doesn’t have to include the consequences you will give your teen. It is completely fine to tell them you’re upset and you need time to think. It’s okay to tell them you’ll let them know within the next few days what consequences your teen will have for choosing to use drugs. Immediately telling your teen they’re grounded for 6 months is both unreasonable and rash. It also puts you in a position where you have to enforce something ridiculous. From here on out it is essential that you only give consequences you’re willing and able to enforce.
6. Call your child’s physician. I cannot emphasize this point strongly enough. There are numerous effects of drug use that both you and your teen don’t know about. There are risks that you are completely unaware of. For example, there are problems with the mix of certain drugs with certain medications that are extremely dangerous. There are also many drugs that need proper detoxification under the care of a medical doctor. Make sure your teen is cared for by a doctor if they have been using drugs.
If you are reading this and find it relates to your situation with your teenager, my heart breaks for you. Finding out that your child is abusing drugs is one of the most scary things a parent can face. Take a deep breath and go slow. Get educated as quickly as possible. Find out what you need to do to change the home environment to both protect your other family members and to help your teen get sober. Make sure that safety concerns are addressed first.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teen drinking comes with a host of potential problems. Credit: Apolonia/Freedigitalphotos.net
It’s something every parent fears. Your child lies about where they’re going. They end up at a party. The next thing you know you’re getting a call from an emergency room that your child has binged on alcohol and is receiving treatment.
As a therapist for teenagers, I see a good deal of adolescents who have had problems related to alcohol. I’m going to list the most common problems I see:
Lying to parents. It is rare that teenagers are forthcoming with their parents about their behavior with alcohol.
Sexual assault. I have worked with COUNTLESS numbers of teens who have been sexually assaulted. While these clients are normally female, a handful have been males. In 9/10 cases there was alcohol involved. This is particularly true of the victim.
Theft. It is not that easy for an adolescent to get alcohol. They usually have to steal it. The most common way they steal the alcohol is from their own parents’ liquor cabinet or refrigerator. However, it is often stolen from the store as well.
Drunk driving. I know you’ve had this talk with your teen multiple times. You’ve talked to them about how incredibly dangerous this is, and that they can call you for a ride home. Your teen has promised to never drink and drive, or to get in a car with someone who is drinking. Unfortunately, in the party situation this isn’t what happens. Teens ride home with someone who has had a drink or two, and they usually aren’t sure what their DD was doing during the party. Many teens I work with think they are being a responsible DD if they “only smoke weed.”
Other drugs. Adolescents are more inclined to try other drugs when they are drunk. They’re less inhibited.
Hook-up. This in not sexual assault. It is consensual. Teenagers are sexually active with friends and even people they don’t know when they’re under the influence of alcohol. They might not be willing to do these things in another circumstance.
Hang out with people they don’t know very well. Teens will get into cars with people they’ve barely met. This is kind of a problem with teenagers anyhow, but it is more common if they’ve been drinking.
Underestimate the seriousness of a situation. This is the one that scares me tremendously as a counselor. I have heard numerous stories from teenagers in my counseling office that go something like this: My friend Jenn was so wasted. She wasn’t responding and she wasn’t throwing up. I was a little tipsy but I took care of her. It was fine.As a therapist these types of stories are incredibly alarming because I’m hearing about an adolescent who likely has alcohol poisoning and nobody has the awareness to get the teen to a hospital. They certainly won’t call 9-1-1 because they’re so afraid of getting in trouble.
Fear of getting in trouble. This fear causes teens who have ended up in compromising positions not reach out to an adult for help when they should have. They are so worried their parents, coaches, teachers, etc. will know they got drunk that they don’t tell anyone about an assault, dangerous binge drinking situation, or even the need for a ride home.
Fighting. Men’s testosterone levels are raised when they have alcohol. They are much more likely to fight when drunk.
As a therapist who has heard most everything by this point, I encourage you to believe your teens, but to be suspect too. Read between the lines. A lot of times they’ll tell you most of the truth about alcohol. However, they might omit details so you don’t become alarmed. Keep them informed, and be a good example with alcohol yourself. The above listed problems are not unique to adolescents. They pay attention to you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Are you dependent on a drug or a drink? Image courtesy of marin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Sadly this has come up today, so I feel I must address it.
If your teenager is struggling with substances, please examine your own behaviors. It’s extremely difficult to admit if you might be drinking a little too much, or that you still smoke marijuana, or that you can’t manage your pain on your own so you have to have a narcotic painkiller every single day, or that you can’t fall asleep at night so you use a sleep aid, or that your anxiety overtakes you on a regular basis so you have a daily dose of Xanax or Klonopin.
Most of you who do one of these things will easily brush this blog post aside and said that it is prescribed, and that you have it under control. If you drink too much you’ll say something like, “It’s my one vice,” or “I still function normally,” or, “I always have one glass of wine to wind down, but I wait until the day is done.” If you don’t drink often, but when you do you always get a buzz or drunk you will find ways to justify that too.
Any of these habits are generally unhealthy. Your teenager uses this kind of thing to justify their behavior. Believe me, I hear it in my office all the time. I will be working with a teen who keeps getting drunk on weekends, and I’ll ask their parents to keep a dry house (meaning absolutely no alcoholic beverages in the house). Parents who have no need for alcohol immediately comply. However, other parents will make excuses like, “I can’t have company over and not serve wine and beer. That’s just not done.” The teenager will tell me they know it’s fine to keep doing it because their parents do it.
Just because you have a “vice” or an occasional way to let loose, doesn’t mean I’m calling you an addict. I’m simply asking you to be gut level honest with yourself if your teenager is acting out with drugs or alcohol. If asked, would you be able to never smoke another joint? If asked, would you be able to ask your doctor to wean you off your sleep aid or your Xanax? Sometimes all it takes for your adolescent to quit abusing substances is to see you quit. That helps them take it seriously. Most times if you continue but ask your teenager to completely abstain, they will see you as a hypocrite and you will lose credibility.
Teens are at a stage where your actions count for a whole lot more than what you say. It was easier when your kids were younger. They pretty much took you at your word and didn’t question it. Now they question everything and are watching your every move. Also, if you think you are secretly having a beer a night or secretly smoking after they go to bed, 9 teens out of 10 know it. They are not stupid, and they are far more astute than we think.
So, if this post applies to you, please don’t read this as condemnation. Please read this as something very serious to consider. You might make a huge difference in your child’s life, and after a few weeks you’ll probably feel better too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Enabling behavior makes it easier for your addicted teen to get ahold of drugs or alcohol.
Problems with Enabling Teen Addicts
“Enablers are some of the nicest people on the planet.” -Dave Ramsey. Dave Ramsey is right. Enablers almost always mean well, especially when it comes to helping their addicted and struggling teen. Unfortunately, their methods do more harm than good. Even if you aren’t an enabler, it’s important to know how to help teen addiction. Are you ready to learn how to stop enabling teen addicts?
What is Enabling?
An enabler, also called a codependent, is someone who unknowingly supports a bad habit. For example, say your thirty year old son or daughter still lives at home, and you don’t charge them rent. In most cases, this harming not helping your child. It is better if you force your child to leave and rent their own place. Though this will cost them more money, this will improve your child’s sense of self-worth, teach them to be more responsible with money, and make your child work harder at their job.
Enabling Teen Addicts
How does enabling apply to drug addiction? Let me give you an example. A parent once told me they allowed their addicted teen to have access to a bank account even though the boy was using the money to buy drugs. Why? The parent said if they didn’t give the teen the money, the boy might do bad things to get drugs. I replied by saying, “Or, he might have no money to buy drugs and stop using as a result.”
Stop Taking Responsibility for Your Teen’s Mistakes
Enablers take responsibility for their addict’s bad choices. However, the addict is actually more likely to quit using if they feel the pain of their choices. There’s a saying that an addict must hit rock bottom before they’ll stop using. That saying is true. Don’t shield your teen from the consequences of their mistakes; feeling the weight of their mistakes may be the only way they will stop using.
10 Ways to Stop Enabling Teen Addicts
1. Do not give them money. Whether it’s money for food, for gas, or for anything in between you cannot give it to your teen. First, they need to feel the consequences. Second, they’ll probably use the money to buy drugs, not what you intended it to be used for.
2. Always call the police if you find drugs in your house. It’s better for your teen to be in legal trouble than deeply addicted to drugs.
3. Do not bail your teen out. If they’re in trouble at school or even in jail, don’t save them. This encourages your teens bad behavior since they know you’ll be there to cushion their fall.
4. Stop paying for any extras. Don’t pay for your teen’s phone or put down their car payments. Your teen needs to feel the weight of their choices. Besides, they use their phones to set up drug transactions and their car to obtain them. Do you want to help them get drugs?
5. Do not let them in your home if they are high. I know it’s hard, but you need to protect your home and your other children.
6. Enforce consequences for failed drug tests. If you’ve discussed punishment for failed drug tests, always follow through.
7. Do not pay for a lawyer if they are arrested. Remember, you shouldn’t dig an addicted teen out of the pit they dug for themselves.
8. Make them keep their room door open. Search your teen’s room for drugs at will. Afterall, it is a room in YOUR home. As a rule, addicts are not trustworthy while they are using.
9. Do not allow their friends over who use drugs. Being around addicted friends encourages your teen’s behavior.
10. Do not make excuses for your child’s behavior. Don’t call your kid out of school or work. You might think if you don’t, they won’t be able to graduate high school. However, a high school diploma is worthless if your child is too addicted to drugs. Working through your teen’s addiction comes before getting a GED.
Work to Stop Enabling Your Teen Addict
Don’t shield your child from their choices. It’s better for them to get in trouble as a minor than an adult as there is more grace for minors. I know it’s heartbreaking to see your teen go through this. However, the only way to end your teen’s addiction is to stop enabling your teen addict. If you need extra help supporting your teen, don’t hesitate to give me a call.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
