Former Attorney General John Ashcroft has estimated that nine in ten adolescents have seen pornographic material (focusonthefamily.org), and most of this is from the internet. The exact percentage of teenagers who are truly addicted to online pornography is hard to pin down. What’s certain though is that your teenager has probably dealt with some form of sexually explicit content online.
It has become normal for a girl and a boy to like each other and begin a texting conversation. When he asks her to send nudes, she won’t even be surprised. A lot of times this happens before they’ve even held hands. Yes, things are that backwards in your teen’s world right now. If you find that hard to believe, trust me, so did I. You can learn a lot by simply asking your teen if these types of things are actually happening around them.
Sadly, you may be at a point where your son or daughter finds him or herself viewing pornographic material a few times a week, or maybe even a few times per day. Your teenager is likely feeling sucked into a vortex of pleasure and shame that is way over your teen’s head. If this is going on then it is definitely time to get help.
Study after study shows that sex within a committed relationship at an age when a committed relationship can actually be sustained (i.e. in marriage) is the healthiest form of sex. Think about how opposite pornography is to a committed relationship. There is no emotional connection. There is no wooing, dating, growing, learning, boundary setting, or selflessness. It is completely about instant gratification with no effort involved. Some of my clients have also told me it requires more and more extreme versions of sex over time to create feelings of arousal. This means by time real intimacy occurs, it’s often confusing and disappointing.
You definitely don’t want your teenager to develop ideas about sex that are unrealistic and damaging. You also don’t want your teenager to live in a pretend world based around his or her phone or tablet. This addiction can become so powerful that it leaves teens unwilling to go out with friends, get a job, or do anything outside their private time. My colleague once had a teen client who used to leave class and sit in the bathroom in order to catch a few quick porn videos because his addiction had become so dominating.
If your teen is dealing with pornography addiction, getting help can be key. There are steps to follow that are really difficult, but rewarding on the other side. Let’s help your teenager get a real, in-this-world, connected with actual people life back. Let’s fight back against this insidious and evil addiction that is victimizing your child.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
