Making Sibling Relationships Better

Sibling relationships among teenagers seem to vary enormously.  Of all my clients, I have seen sibling relationships range from being the best of friends to the bitterest of enemies.  Usually it lands somewhere in the middle.

If your children are really close, consider yourself lucky.  Or, perhaps you’ve done things to help them get along.  Either way, it’s so wonderful to see your kids love and enjoy one another.

If your children don’t get another with each other, it’s often just the way their personalities match up.  Sometimes they will continue to struggle with each other no matter what you do.  In other situations, there are a few things you can do to help.

Let Your Kids Be Different

It’s really important to try and let your kids be different.  They will not likely perform equally well in school, sports, social relationships, etc.  Each has his or her own set of strengths and weaknesses.  Help them along to improve in their weaker areas, and continue growing in their strengths.  However, sibling relationships suffer if you compare your kids to one another.  They already do this to themselves, so having your confirm it doesn’t typically help.

They Need Their Own Thing

It can be very beneficial for sibling relationships to have some things the kids share and some things that are individually theirs.  This starts with possessions and also includes sports, friends, time with you, and goals.  Time with you is a really big one.  This means individual, fun time with each parent.  This isn’t just driving to a sports practice.  It’s going on a hike, playing mini golf, etc.

The Oldest Sibling Is Not A Third Parent

They are not responsible for one another’s happiness.  Unfortunately, this is actually something I find comes up often in therapy.  It’s particularly true with the older sibling feeling responsible for the younger one’s happiness.  The older sibling often sees it as their job to keep the younger sibling(s) on track.  When the younger one is making bad choices, the older one will often try to parent their little brother or sister.  We work hard in counseling to help the older sibling just be a big sister or big brother.  That’s what the younger child usually needs anyhow.  The younger one needs someone whom they can confide in and who will give them perspective.

Sibling Relationships Are Healthier When…

Don’t force your children to spy on each other for you.  While you do want your children to tell you if one of your other children is doing something really dangerous such as taking drugs, you don’t want to create an environment of mistrust.  The reason is, you harm the sibling relationship when you ask them to tell on each other for every small transgression.

Also, while it can be nice for the older one to take the younger one along sometimes, this can’t be all the time. I grew up with a close friend who was required to bring her younger siblings everywhere. We never got to hang out without them coming. Even though we liked the two little ones, sometimes our friend group just wanted to be on our own.

Sibling Relationships in a Nutshell

Creating a loving family where siblings get along well can be a huge challenge.  Sometimes it comes naturally, which is wonderful!  Other times though, parents have to work really hard to help facilitate closeness in sibling relationships.  For some unlucky families even the best efforts go unrewarded.  Importantly, hold on to hope because even siblings who do not get along as children often develop a special closeness as adults. The sibling relationship teaches humility, frustration tolerance, cohesiveness, how to argue, boundary setting, friendship, and sharing. These life skills are invaluable and extremely important.

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,

Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT