by Lauren Goodman | Oct 24, 2024 | Depression Therapy for Teens
The Struggle with Teen Happiness
As parents, sometimes it seems impossible to bring your teen happiness. However, keeping your child happy is not as hard as it may seem.
The Teen’s Approach to Attaining Happiness
Teens are constantly encouraging each other to pursue what feels good in the moment. They have a “You only live once” attitude. This is what teens do for happiness.
The Parent’s Approach to Bringing Their Teen Happiness
As parents, we tell our teens that their future is what’s important. We care about their grades, conduct, reputation, and attitude. We tell them, “We just want you to be happy,” but we don’t let them play video games until 2 a.m. on a school night. Somehow, we know that’s not good for them even though it makes them happy.
Who’s Right?
Are teenagers correct in thinking you should do whatever feels good in the moment? Are we parents right, who think living should be for our future happiness and goals? Could we both be wrong?
Problems with Living for the Moment
If you only ever live in the present, then everything is momentarily gratifying. However, teens who indulge themselves whenever they feel like it will never have permanent happiness. Once they experience something, they will need a bigger activity/item to bring them the same emotional high. While watching a movie until 10:00 p.m. might have thrilled your child at one point, now they’ll want to stay up all night at a friend’s house for the same feeling.
Consequences that Come from Living for the Moment
Also, bad decisions can be made when teens try to bring themselves happiness using this mindset. An adolescent might have sex with someone they don’t love, try drugs or alcohol, or cheat on a test.
Problems with Living for the Future
On the other hand, if you live only for your future, you will still be unhappy. What a waste to have all the gifts of youth and enjoy none of them. When was the last time you could sprint after your friend while laughing hysterically and not get winded or sore? How long ago was it that you could go out tanning without worrying about skin cancer? When did it last sound like fun to get a block of ice and slide down a long grass hill while trespassing at midnight? You can’t be so focused on your future that you miss everything in front of you.
A Better Answer to Teen Happiness
Now that we’ve exhausted the two most common ways people try to become happy, what’s left? What I am going to propose would be a major shift in your teenager’s thinking. For that kind of shift to take place, you will have to lead the way. Start seeking opportunities to serve others. Show your teen that to achieve lasting happiness you have to focus on something bigger than yourself. That is the real key to teen happiness, helping your child look beyond themself.
Helping Your Teen Find Purpose
It is your job to help your teenager know why they’re here on Earth. If you teach your teenager that their purpose is to attain status and things, then that’s what they’ll pursue. This will leave your child unfulfilled and empty. Their purpose must be a timeless and selfless one. In my family, our purpose is to be dedicated followers of Jesus Christ. We believe this will create a compassionate heart, driven and focused attitude, and happy child. If you don’t choose to go the faith-based route, choose some way to serve others. True teen happiness comes from looking outward, not inward.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 19, 2024 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Why Teens Burnout
If a teen has too many responsibilities, it’s only a matter of time before they experience teen burnout. It’s important to push your teenager, but how far should you go when doing this?
Things that Cause Teens to Burnout
1. Overscheduling
2. Too many advanced classes
3. Obsessive screen time (wasting time on social media addiction)
4. Overtraining in sports
Why Do I Push My Teen?
In the bottom of their heart, your teen knows how deeply you love them. They understand that you push them to go above and beyond for a reason. You want them to be able to seize every opportunity that comes their way and do well in life. These motivations, while good-intentioned, can sometimes lead to teen burnout.
How Much is too Much?
However, teens can only handle so much before it starts to burn them out. As you know, it’s easy to start making constant commitments and keep your adolescent in lots of different extra-curricular activities. These commitments are important, but are they so important that they come at the expense of your teen feeling tired and burned out?
Teens that Burn Themselves Out
Then again, some teens put too much pressure on themselves. Mabye your child wants to take another AP class, play another sport, or join another club. In this case, it’s up to you to say no sometimes. Even though what your teen wants to get involved in are all good things, you have to help them stay balanced. This is one great way to avoid teen burnout.
Growing with Your Teen
Teenagers are still children. They are becoming adults, but they are still young. They need time to play, rest, socialize, and regroup. If we allow or require teens to be overly busy, they’ll burn out. The great thing about removing some of the demands placed on your kids is that you will have more opportunity to spend time with them. They’re about to launch into their own life. With you transitioning more and more into the role of a guide, they will feel safe to explore. Eventually they will really appreciate you for it.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 13, 2024 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Difficulties Teens have with Study Habits
For those of you who cannot seem to focus on your homework, this is the right article for you. Here you will find five tips to have better study habits.
First of all, I understand that studying is usually boring. Why are assignments given that seem so irrelevant to the rest of your life? Unless you’re planning to be a biologist, you probably don’t care about how a frog reproduces, or how mitochondria are involved in cellular energy. You’d definitely rather come home and watch TV, play a sport, eat, nap, or really do anything else besides sit down and study.
Questions you May Have About Studying
- How do I move past this hatred of my homework?
- How do I motivate myself to complete assignments?
- Why is it so much harder for me to study than for some kids?
5 Tips for Better Study Habits
1. Don’t Allow Yourself the Option of Not Finishing Your Homework
Don’t get half-way through your homework and put it off for later. It’s like when your mom asks you to do the dishes; she wants you to clean all of them, not leave it half-done.
2. Work intensely for a short amount of time, then take a break
It is up to you how long you think your study to free time ratio should be, but there should always be one. Here’s an example: When I was 20 years old, I had a college class that required a lot of studying. I did not enjoy it and struggled to get the work done. I finally decided to work intensely for 50 minutes with no distractions and then take a 10-minute break. For teenagers who are younger I recommend 15 minutes of intense studying with a 5-minute break, but it varies from person to person.
3. Change it up
If you are partway through an assignment and it is too tedious to complete, work on something else. As long as you’re still working, you’re still progressing towards finishing your homework. This makes for a good study habit.
4. Don’t try to be perfect
Some teenagers never start their homework because they are determined to do it perfectly, which is overwhelming. You are much better off getting a 60% on an assignment than a 0%. When you’re working on an assignment, just push through to the end even if it’s not your best work. You can always make corrections later.
5. Provide yourself with boring alternatives
For example, if you have an essay to write, give yourself the option of either working on your essay or cleaning the bathroom. When you get desperate for a break, you’ll go clean the bathroom. However, you’ll quickly tire of cleaning and prefer to get back to your essay.
Using Better Study Habits to Win
See if any of these things help you. Of course, these tips will only help if you really want to do better in school. You have to seriously commit to improving and then, and only then, will these study habits help you. However, once you do, having better study habits will help you for the rest of your life.
Muhammad Ali, a famous boxer, said, “I hated every minute of training, but I said, ‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'” Struggle through your homework and you will go on to win. Better study habits are one step in the road to success.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 5, 2024 | Teen Addiction
Social media is a game-changer for teenagers. It is so different than when we were kids. It has both negatives and positives, and consequently oversight is key when handling your teen’s social media. Social media and texting are a necessary part of your teenager’s social development. This is how they make plans, deepen friendships, and keep tabs on their friends. However, do teens have the developmental ability to handle social media? This is the question you constantly need to ask yourself.
After working with hundreds of teenagers in my counseling office, it seems parents who come alongside their children while they use social media see the best results. These parents use social media to teach responsibility, concern for reputation, empathy, and as a means to build trust.
Story of a parent who does this well:
For example, one of my good friends handles the way her adolescent uses social media admirably. This mom lets her daughter have certain platforms but checks in on her daughter’s posts at random. They sit down together and look through her feed. The mom asks all kinds of questions as she goes such as, “How do you feel about this post? How would an employer feel about this post? Do you think this person knows a mom is looking at this post?” This teaches her daughter to think critically about what teens put on social media.
Parents need to restrict teen social media when:
- Adolescents use social media dangerously (posting provocative pictures, using it to obtain drugs, etc.).
- They are spending excessive time on social media when they could be exercising or building in-person relationships.
- It’s causing them to lose confidence.
The Bigger Picture
It’s important to remember that social media is just another means to an end with your kids. Everything you have them do should have a bigger purpose in mind. You want to be constantly trying to use the events, people, and activities that come up in their lives to help develop them into a well-functioning adult. It should be your aim for them to be thoughtful, faithful, responsible, kind, passionate, driven, etc. Social media doesn’t have to be the enemy; you can use it to instill these good qualities in your teen.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Sep 24, 2024 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Why Teen Sleep Is Affected By Screens
Is your teenager’s sleep affected by screen time? How about your sleep? The sad fact is all of us are sleeping less. There are increasing percentages of teens who get insufficient sleep. In theory, a lot of researchers believe screens affect teen sleep.
As you’ve probably already suspected, if your teenager is on a tablet, smartphone, game console, watching TV, etc., they are not sleeping as much. Teens need roughly nine hours per night of sleep. However, the majority of teens are getting up to seven hours per night of sleep.
There are several suspected reasons for this. One obvious reason is the dopamine (a pleasurable neurotransmitter in the brain) provided by interaction with the internet, smartphones, and laptops. The other is that sleep quality is often poorer in people who spend a lot of time on screens. The brain remains very active, which disrupts the body’s natural process of winding down. In other words, there are many reasons teen sleep is affected by screens.
Indirect Ways Screens Affect Teen Sleep
One thing I know you’ve noticed is how much more sedentary our culture is than it was 20 years ago. It doesn’t take a genius to know this is because screens provide so much entertainment and distraction. What teenager wants to go walk the dog with you when watching YouTube provides so much more dopamine?
So, how does this pertain to your teenager’s sleep? There’s a decent chance your teen isn’t wearing out their body during the day. I grew up during the advent of cell phones, but before smartphones. We used to either play sports after school or go to a park. The boys usually skated or threw a football. The girls either walked around or joined them.
Basically, a tired body means better and more sleep. Screens are preventing your teenager from the physical exhaustion that leads to solid sleep. Sure, your teen might be “tired,” but it’s the kind of tiredness that comes from exasperated boredom. So yes, teens are also indirectly affecting teen sleep.
What Should You Do About It?
I empathize with you for how difficult it is today to keep a kid off screens. They factor in literally every aspect of life. Your child cannot even do homework without screens. Simultaneously, your teen’s sleep will continue to be negatively affected by screens. What do you do?
Setting Priorities With Screens for Better Health
As a therapist, I believe you must see getting enough sleep as non-negotiable. There are certain things we do to ensure good health in our teens. As a culture, we consistently underestimate the importance of sleep. When screens affect teen sleep, we are effectively allowing lowered immunity, decreased focus, reduced cell repair, increased likelihood of excessive appetite, a more stagnant body, etc.
When you consider all that it costs your teen to allow screens to affect their sleep, it becomes nearly the top priority in a day that they sleep enough. Your attitude towards sleep needs to supersede exercise, healthy eating, and all the other little ways our culture tells us to worry about health.
When you do this, you will become stronger in policing your teen’s use of screens related to sleep. You will value sleep above the competitive edge your child may gain by taking one more AP class. You will create a family culture where all of you get 1-2 more hours of sleep each night.
Basically, you will enforce a bedtime…for EVERYONE…
How Will Controlling Screens Improve Our Lives?
There are all the obvious reasons we all talk about: less drama, less intellectual “junk food” entering the brain, less influence from thoughtless soundbites, more connection among family members, and more pursuit of real-life hobbies.
Then there are the less obvious things. You yourself will find you actually have MORE time. You will have a higher energy level, which results in a better mood, better focus, and a healthier body. According to the University of Chicago, the average adult who started getting enough sleep lost 26 pounds over 3 years without even trying. So please recognize how little benefit you’re getting out of the massive effort you make to “eat clean,” or follow a strict exercise regimen when compared to the health benefits of just sleeping more.
Final Thoughts on Teen Sleep and Screens
Parents, now you have an excuse to police your children’s use of electronics. It’s truly unhealthy for your teens to use screens for more than a couple hours per day. If your adolescent sleeps about 9 hours, they will have better immunity, learn more easily, are less prone to depression, will be nicer to you, have more friends, and have more energy. Maybe this is why so many parents tell me their teens became much nicer after losing their phone for a couple days.
I’m not against electronics. I use a smart phone, I’m typing this blog on a laptop, and I watch TV sometimes. However, like all things, moderation is key. Your teens need to sleep about 9 hours per night. Do you think they could sleep more if they didn’t use their phones as much? I think so.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
