If you want to be more self-assured, self-confident, have a higher self-esteem, and a better sense of self, then you need to stop focusing on yourself.
What? You must be joking, right?
No, I’m serious. When you want to work on yourself all the time, it is harder to focus on others. Compassion, empathy, and action are all things that occur in relationship to others. To improve yourself, you must stop thinking about THE self.
A relaxing morning reduces anxiety all day. Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Living anxiety-free means actively making choices to have less stress. Everything about our lives is fast, and intense. We’re always trying to get ahead. We want the best grades for our teenagers so they can get into the best schools. We push them into a lot of extracurricular activities because we feel we have to. We work long hours and take short vacations. We start our mornings off all wrong.
How we start our day is one of the key factors to reducing anxiety. However, it is one that doesn’t get much attention. We don’t realize a slower start to the morning is key. We tend to fill our minds with a bunch of useless, negative junk while reciting our to-do list, and then hope to have a good day.
One thing a lot of people do is watch the news in the morning. It is rare to find a news program that discusses progress and positive events in tandem with the negative. Sometimes even the good things that happen are still spun in a negative way. It’s all meant to to increase the viewer’s anxiety so they’ll keep watching.
It is really important to realize that most of what is reported on is out of your control. Try and focus on what you can do something about, and leave the rest alone. Replace some of the news with looking outside at the beauty God has created, and take a minute to say thank you. Then you might remember that you live in an amazing place and are generally blessed.
Start your day with something positive and encouraging. Take time to read your bible, pray, call a friend, slowly enjoy your cup of coffee, or anything else that gives you a sense of calm. It has been said that your first ten minutes are a huge predictor of what kind of day you will have. If you begin your day with anxiety, then you are much more likely to feel anxious the whole day. Be very intentional about starting your day with something that leaves you feeling positive and energized. Help your teenagers do this as well. Make your teenager a good breakfast, have them sit down to eat, and be very pleasant if you sit with them. Do not talk to them about classes, a test they need to take, or anything else on their to-do list. Keep it light and positive.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Why are vacations better for connecting with family than being home together? While there are many reasons, one is that we’re often unplugged. At home we go to different corners of the house and have personal screen time. On vacation we tend not to do that, and that time is really important.
Staying calm works a lot better than yelling. Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
It’s hard to discipline a teen. They definitely have a mind of their own, and are usually pretty good at arguing. Here are some things to keep in mind based on what I’ve seen work with clients in my therapy practice.
1. The consequence should make them think about what they did and not about being frustrated with you. Many parents ground their kids or take away electronic devices whenever they feel their teenager needs discipline. The problem with doing this in every situation is that while your teen is home grounded on Saturday night, it’s unlikely they are thinking about what they did to be home. It’s much more likely they are resenting you for giving them that consequence.
2. Allow natural consequences whenever possible. Along the same vein as #1, allowing natural consequences teaches lessons. It also enables you as the parent to empathize with your teenager while they are suffering the consequence. Here’s an example: If your teenager gets a speeding ticket, have them pay for it, and pay for the increase in their insurance. You will get to say to compassionately say to them, “Yah, it really does suck to get a speeding ticket. I’m sorry you’re facing this.” Don’t ground your teenager for a speeding ticket. That doesn’t even make sense. Nobody ever put you on house arrest for a driving violation.
3. Follow through. I have seen many, many parents say they will have certain consequences if a given thing occurs, but not follow-through with it. This tells your adolescent that you can be bargained with. If they see a benefit in trying to negotiate with you, you’re just opening the door for talking back and other disrespectful behavior. If you’ve told them being home after curfew means they have to skip the next social event (a consequence that fits the crime), you have to stick to your guns. It’s hard to do when the next social event is a big deal that they’ve been looking forward to for a long time. It’s really tempting to alter your consequence in cases like that, but you just can’t if you want to be respected.
4. Stay calm.Once you start yelling they aren’t listening. Are you giving consequences out of an emotional reaction, or to teach a lesson? You really have to ask yourself this question and answer honestly. It should always be to teach a lesson and/or protect your teenager. Remember, you’re trying to raise a responsible adult and there are bound to be hiccups along the way. Hiccups are okay as long as you’re helping your teenager work towards being a functional adult. If you can stay calm they can still hear you.
5. Don’t just focus on the negative. Disciplining also means giving positive consequences when they’re due. While your child always has behavior you can correct, they are doing a lot of things right too. If you want them to keep doing those things, reward them for it. A reward can be as simple as telling them you appreciate that they are such a loyal friend. You don’t have to make a huge deal out of things and give them money, or take them out to a special dinner every time they do something good. You just have to acknowledge what you see. One of my favorite ways I’ve seen parents catch a teenager being good is when their child has followed curfew respectfully for quite a while, to tell the teen, “Next time you can stay out a half hour later. This isn’t a permanent change, but I just wanted to let you know I’ve noticed how responsible you’ve been.” That makes your teenager feel like a million bucks!
Yes, disciplining a teenager is a challenge. However, if you feel like you’ve tried and tried without success, consider whether you’re just trying the wrong things. When your teenager respects you because you know how to set up appropriate rules and limits, it leaves a lot more room for relationship and love between you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
