Have A Better Connection With Your Teen

To have a better connection with your teen, you have to remember what it felt like. Next, you have to tell stories. Your teenager loves to hear about your ups and downs. If you handle it right, they will learn from your mistakes.

Telling Stories to Teenagers to Build Connection

Teenagers feel comfortable with adults who can tell stories that relate to the teen’s reality.  If your teenager is occasionally drinking at a party, your teen will respond well to stories about what you did at parties when you were a teenager.  Your past can be a place of connection between you and your child. Surprisingly, this is a way to show empathy.

What If Your Teen Is Totally Different Than You Were?

Maybe your teenage years were vastly different from your own child.  Perhaps you were a popular athlete, and your kid is an unpopular mathlete.  Even if you didn’t have the same exact experience, you can still relate.  

There were days when you felt uncomfortable in your own skin and days when you didn’t like your parents.  You still had moments of triumph and moments of defeat.  Having the exact same experiences is not the important thing.  The important thing is helping your adolescent understand that you also had to figure out who you were; it wasn’t easy then either. Their knowing this helps you build better connection with your teen.

Making a Better Connection: How Much to Share With A Teenager

Be discretionary in what you share with your teenager.  Don’t overshare.  You don’t want to tell your child things that are going to cause them emotional harm. Stay focused on the goal of building connection with your teen, which means sharing at the level of their maturity.

For example, some parents dealt with teen pregnancy when they were younger.  They might have terminated the pregnancy, or given the baby up for adoption.  Some teens will respond well to this information, but some will feel devastated.  You know your child well and have to be discerning about when to share what and in how much detail.

An Example of When to Hold Back

I know a parent who drank a lot and used drugs throughout high school.  Sharing this with his child would not be wise in his particular case.  This is because his son would use the information as permission to drink and do drugs. He knew not to tell his son because his son seemed to glorify the druggie lifestyle. While this provides an opportunity to build connection with your teen, this dad knew it would be counter-productive. 

An Example of Effective Sharing to Build Connection with your Adolescent

I’ve knew another mother who experimented with drugs when she was younger.  She chose to share this with her teenage daughter because the daughter listened when the mom told her about some painful consequences. In this case, the daughter saw it as something to learn from.

Tip for Building Better Connection with Your Teen: Don’t Lecture

You don’t want to turn your past stories into an opportunity to lecture your child. This turns teenagers off to you instead of helping teens build better connection with you.

You want it to be a conversation that leads them to feel safe sharing with you too.  Don’t use a thinly veiled story from your past as a criticism of your teenager’s current behavior, or as a criticism of their friends.  Just tell your story without implying any judgement on anyone else.

Disclosing parts of your past to your children can be enormously beneficial for them.  It can help them understand why you are the way you are as a parent.  Your child will learn from mistakes they don’t have to make.  It can help your kid feel like you relate to what they are going through. Disclosing about your past is an excellent opportunity to build stronger connection with your teen.

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,

Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT