How to talk about sex with your teenager

by Lauren Goodman | Dec 7, 2023 | Christian Counseling

Talking About Sex With Your Teenager

The bird and bees discussion is so uncomfortable to have with your teens! To talk about sex with your teenager, you have to feel calm and prepared. Consequently, it’s my guess that many parents simply avoid the conversation.

Unfortunately, most of what teens learn about and hear about sex is from other teenagers (great source, right?).  As early as 4th or 5th grade the joking starts.  By 6th grade a lot of young adolescents have already heard of some friends “doing stuff” with other adolescents.  At that age it is usually pretty shocking.  However, within two to three years, discussions about sex are fairly commonplace at school.

You have to ask yourself where you want your child to learn about sex.  At some point one of their peers is going to try and show your child a pornographic movie they’ve found.  At some point one of your teenager’s friends will be “sexting” with another teen. Most likely, your teen will be told something about it.  Teens will definitely hear about and be exposed to sex.  The question is whether you want them to learn everything they know from other teens, or if you’d like to have input.  I know as a parent I want to have input because I want to be able to let my kids know what I do and don’t think is okay.

How to Begin the Discussion About Sex with an Adolescent

First of all, how do you bring up this discussion?  It’s not like it’s going to just naturally flow into a conversation.  Most parents find they have to be intentional about it. To talk about sex with your teenager can feel awkward at best, and altogether dreadful at worst.

If you’re feeling avoidant about this, just imagine your teen!  They’re at an age where awkward is almost a permanent state of being.  So, it could help to say something like, “I’m a little uncomfortable to talk with you about this, but it needs to be done.”  Then find out what your teen already knows about sex.  What have they been hearing from their peers?  Gently correct their misconceptions.  Ask them how they think sex should be treated.  Do they thing it’s something special that should wait for marriage?  Educate them on how to resist situations they are not comfortable with.

The Centers for Disease Control has a simple, basic article that discusses ideas for a parent-adolescent conversation about sex.

How Much of My Own Experiences Do I Share?

To talk about sex with you teenager, you have to self-disclose with discretion. Make sure you disclose with a purpose. When you share about your teen years, whether they were innocent or wild, make sure you tie it in to your family’s morals. If you were promiscuous in your younger years, tell them what you’ve learned from that behavior.

If you have religious views about sexuality, explain the reasons for those views, don’t just tell them what the views are.  For example, as a Christian I will tell my daughter that our faith teaches to wait until marriage.  If she does get married, God wants her and her husband to have a bond that is completely unique and special.  I will explain to her that sex within marriage is fun, sacred, and very much each couple’s own special thing.  Based on my past mistakes, sex outside marriage doesn’t contain the same closeness or emotional safety, and that’s why God didn’t plan it that way.  I really want her to know the why behind the views we’re teaching her, and your adolescents will appreciate knowing the why behind whatever it is you teach them.

You may also consider answering questions your teen has about the physical mechanics of sex since adolescents often hear incorrect information about this.  In fact, some of the things they’ve heard are just downright hilarious (You’ll have to work hard to keep a straight face). This is a great time to talk about sexual safety. The safest option by far is abstinence. However, you can’t bank on every kid following an abstinence plan. Even religious and conservative families deal with adolescents who catch an STD or become pregnant. For this reason, most medical professionals recommend some conversation about safe sex. While this might not apply to your teenager, they may be helpful to a friend if they have accurate information.

How to Talk About Sexuality in Today’s Culture

Having a conversation with your teens about sex in general is also a great time to cover other related topics such as puberty and masturbation. Also, in today’s culture, you need to address things they hear about in media at at school like homosexuality and transgenderism. I know this probably isn’t a completely comfortable discussion for you, but it is still very important.

Your teenager is absolutely hearing about all these things, and it is important that your voice be part of the equation. Importantly, you do not have to agree with everything culture says is acceptable. For some families, daughters wearing bikinis to the beach is too sexual. However, your daughter will see their friends in bikinis just about every time they swim, so you need to have a patient and open discussion with your teenager about why bikinis are uncomfortable to you and how your teenager feels if she’s the only one covered up.

When you talk about homosexuality and transgenderism, I encourage you to listen first. Find out what your teenager already knows and what they think. Listen carefully to see if your teen is questioning their own sexual or gender identity. If they are, you are going to have a different discussion than if you are talking more about how to interact with others who question. Teach your children that no matter what, everyone needs to be treated with dignity and kindness. After you’ve done these things, then you can go on to talk about your particular moral views.

Let me just empathize with you for a minute. As a mom, I’m with you in knowing how much more challenging it is in today’s culture than it used to be. Between phones and current cultural LGBT+ awareness and trends, there is so much more to consider than when we grew up. But, what choice do you have? Your teen needs you to help them navigate the world they live in today.

Sex and Your Teenager’s Phone

Your teen has some exposure to sexual content on his or her phone. Period. When you have a talk about sex, you will also want to gently ask about what they’ve seen on their phone. This can range from friends making sexual jokes to other teens requesting or sending nude photographs to teens seeing things on TikTok to your teenager having a secret addiction to pornography. Anymore, nothing surprises me. Sometimes even the most seemingly buttoned-up kids I’ve worked with have struggled with viewing sexual content in secret on their phones.

Sexual Violence

I really wish I didn’t have to comment on this. Sadly, if you are going to talk about sex with your teenager, you have to touch on this topic too. Make certain they realize that a major factor in sexually violent encounters is one or both parties being under the influence of alcohol (see Alcohol and Research Health Article). For this reason, encourage them not to drink!

How to Talk About Sex With Your Teenager: Final Thoughts

Discussing sex with your teen simply isn’t easy. There’s no way around it. Many parents have put this conversation off while others have been talking about it at age-appropriate levels for years. Wherever you are, it’s fine to start there. Keep in mind, your teenager probably doesn’t want to have this conversation. Just be prepared to do as much listening as talking. And most of all, know that if you don’t talk to them about it, then the most important voice in their lives is absent in big part of their adolescent development.

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,

Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT

Build Character in Your Teens, Not Reputation

by Lauren Goodman | Sep 26, 2023 | Christian Counseling

Build Character, Not Reputation

Teens (and many adults I’m afraid) are more concerned with building a good reputation than building their character. But, it’s more important to build character, not reputation.  Teenagers, this means you will do or say things in front of one group of friends that you wouldn’t in front of another group.  Maybe you curse around your friends, but you wouldn’t do that in front of your mom and dad.  You want your friends to think you’re easy going and you want to fit in with them.  You also want your parents to think you’re respectful and use clean language.

Adolescents, when you see your parents more concerned with reputation than character, you complain bitterly about it.  You can’t stand it actually.  The way I know this is because as a therapist who works mostly with teens, I hear this from you on a regular basis.  You say your parents are hypocrites.  It bothers you that they get over-the-top angry if you lie about where you and your friends are going, but then your parents turn around and lie to their boss about where they were.  Anytime you see yourself being directed to do one thing, and then your parents don’t follow those rules, it drives you absolutely crazy.  It drives everyone crazy when someone works hard at creating a good reputation, but when nobody is looking their behavior doesn’t match.  We don’t trust people who do that (i.e. politicians).

Building Reputation is About Fitting In

I’m asking you to check-in with yourself to see whether you do this.  Most adolescents do.  Most teenagers are more concerned with how they appear to others than who they really are.  What I mean by this is that you’ll drink at a party because you almost feel like you have to even though on the inside you’re secretly against drinking.  Or, you’ll cheat on a test or paper in order to maintain those perfect grades.  You’re more worried about your GPA looking good to a college than you are about the unseen, internal damage you do to your character every time you cheat.

When I was a teenager I was extremely guilty of this.  I was sexually active with my boyfriend, but I lied about it to certain groups of friends.  I was part of a Christian youth group.  In front of the leadership there, and my friends from there I would talk about how I was a virgin (and thought I could call myself that because I wasn’t technically having “sex”).  In front of my friends who weren’t part of the church I was much more honest about my behavior.  This is because I was much more concerned with reputation than character.  When I got older and more mature, I changed my focus to character instead of reputation.  Then I made the changes in my life that actually matched what I professed to believe.

When you make a good reputation your focus, you end up having to lie.  Oftentimes, you end up feeling very insecure.  You feel like a fraud, and that’s because in some ways you are.  You have to worry about being found out and feeling shame.

Building Character Is About Integrity

When you build character, you end up free.  Consequently, you no longer have to care what anyone thinks about the things you do.  You are so focused on choosing the right thing no matter who is looking, that you become the same person in every circumstance.  You don’t behave hypocritically because you truly act on what you believe is morally correct in your heart whether or not someone will see you.  Interestingly enough, good reputation automatically follows good character.  People trust you because they know you are always the same you.  Your parents and your friends like you better.  You are trusted at work and at school.  When you do mess up, you are often shown more grace because your word is good.  Best of all, you don’t have anything to hide when you say your prayers to God.

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,

Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT

Teaching integrity to teens

by Lauren Goodman | Jul 28, 2023 | Christian Counseling

Why Teach Integrity to Teens?

We must be teaching integrity to teens because it creates a sense of wholeness. It is a discipline in many religions that prevents us from experiencing internal distress. Likewise, it is hard to be internally incongruent with how we present ourselves. Similarly, teenagers who are taught integrity are able to feel high levels of self-esteem.

What Is Integrity and Why is it Important for my Teen?

1. Integrity:  This means you are the same person in the light as you are in the dark.  When nobody is watching your behavior, is the same as it is when everyone is watching?  If you own your own business, do you declare all your income, even your cash?  If you tell your children they cannot be sexually active outside marriage, are you sexually active outside marriage?  Over time your teenagers can tell whether you are hypocritical when you can get away with it.  They follow your example.  If you exhibit and value integrity, they will too.

By modeling integrity to your teenager, you are teaching them how to earn trust. Teenagers trust their friends who don’t gossip about them, pay them back when they borrow a few dollars, and who keep secrets they promise to keep. Correspondingly, your teenager is much more trustworthy to others when your teen has integrity. This means that your teen will keep friends, earn respect from teachers, and get along better with you. Consequently, your teen will have high self-esteem.

How Does Therapy Help Teach Integrity to Teenagers?

Counseling for teens can be very important in teaching teens integrity. One of the main goals of therapy is self-discovery. It is a lot easier to be congruent to your values if you’ve explored what those values are. Counseling then encourages you to examine whether you are being true to those values.

For example, I (Lauren) profess to live by Christian values. When I went through my own counseling, I discovered I was spending an inordinate amount of time exercising. After more exploration, my therapist helped me see that I was not living to my professed Christian value of having God before all else. I was putting my own body shape and appearance before all else. In Christianity we call this having an idol. No wonder I was living with emotional knots! I wasn’t living with integrity. Things in my emotional and spiritual life improved significantly after this discovery because I got my behaviors in line with my heart.

What Can I Do to Teach Integrity to my Teen?

There are a few steps you can take to teach integrity to your teenager. First of all, take a few minutes to write out what values you hold in your heart. Secondly, write out how closely you live to those values. Thirdly (and this is the hardest one), write out the values you are showing with your behavior that you don’t actually want. Fourthly, commit to a few small changes that will help you line up with your values. Once you have this down for a few weeks, try repeating the exercise with your teen. Most will go along with you if you first admit that you also needed a tune-up.

If you think teaching integrity to your teen is too hard given what is happening in your family, don’t hesitate to contact us to see if counseling can help.

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,

Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT