by Lauren Goodman | Sep 10, 2024 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Have A Better Connection With Your Teen
To have a better connection with your teen, you have to remember what it felt like. Next, you have to tell stories. Your teenager loves to hear about your ups and downs. If you handle it right, they will learn from your mistakes.
Telling Stories to Teenagers to Build Connection
Teenagers feel comfortable with adults who can tell stories that relate to the teen’s reality. If your teenager is occasionally drinking at a party, your teen will respond well to stories about what you did at parties when you were a teenager. Your past can be a place of connection between you and your child. Surprisingly, this is a way to show empathy.
What If Your Teen Is Totally Different Than You Were?
Maybe your teenage years were vastly different from your own child. Perhaps you were a popular athlete, and your kid is an unpopular mathlete. Even if you didn’t have the same exact experience, you can still relate.
There were days when you felt uncomfortable in your own skin and days when you didn’t like your parents. You still had moments of triumph and moments of defeat. Having the exact same experiences is not the important thing. The important thing is helping your adolescent understand that you also had to figure out who you were; it wasn’t easy then either. Their knowing this helps you build better connection with your teen.
Making a Better Connection: How Much to Share With A Teenager
Be discretionary in what you share with your teenager. Don’t overshare. You don’t want to tell your child things that are going to cause them emotional harm. Stay focused on the goal of building connection with your teen, which means sharing at the level of their maturity.
For example, some parents dealt with teen pregnancy when they were younger. They might have terminated the pregnancy, or given the baby up for adoption. Some teens will respond well to this information, but some will feel devastated. You know your child well and have to be discerning about when to share what and in how much detail.
An Example of When to Hold Back
I know a parent who drank a lot and used drugs throughout high school. Sharing this with his child would not be wise in his particular case. This is because his son would use the information as permission to drink and do drugs. He knew not to tell his son because his son seemed to glorify the druggie lifestyle. While this provides an opportunity to build connection with your teen, this dad knew it would be counter-productive.
An Example of Effective Sharing to Build Connection with your Adolescent
I’ve knew another mother who experimented with drugs when she was younger. She chose to share this with her teenage daughter because the daughter listened when the mom told her about some painful consequences. In this case, the daughter saw it as something to learn from.
Tip for Building Better Connection with Your Teen: Don’t Lecture
You don’t want to turn your past stories into an opportunity to lecture your child. This turns teenagers off to you instead of helping teens build better connection with you.
You want it to be a conversation that leads them to feel safe sharing with you too. Don’t use a thinly veiled story from your past as a criticism of your teenager’s current behavior, or as a criticism of their friends. Just tell your story without implying any judgement on anyone else.
Disclosing parts of your past to your children can be enormously beneficial for them. It can help them understand why you are the way you are as a parent. Your child will learn from mistakes they don’t have to make. It can help your kid feel like you relate to what they are going through. Disclosing about your past is an excellent opportunity to build stronger connection with your teen.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Aug 8, 2024 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Teen
It is extremely important to actively work on your relationship with your teenager. It is such a big deal to your teenager that in their own way, they will let you know if it’s not being done properly. Teens want you to strengthen your relationship with them.
How Teens Show You They Want a Better Relationship
They don’t often sit you down to have a chat about how you should spend more time together. Instead teenagers act out by getting poor grades, experimenting with drugs or alcohol, becoming sexually active, or being rude towards you at home, etc. (There are other reasons teens might behave this way too; it’s not one size fits all).
Steps You Can Take to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Teen
In order to build a stronger relationship with your teenager, there are some things you can do. Start with obvious common ground.
Start with Common Ground
I worked with one teenage boy that hadn’t spoken a word to his father in two years, and they lived in the same house. His father knew the boy liked certain music from the seventies. The father had some of the music on vinyl, so he set up his old record player. He started playing his old albums and didn’t say a word. That got the teenage boy to come out of his room at look at what was going on. His father simply asked him if he’d like to see what other records there were. The teenage boy said he would, and looked through them with his father standing there.
They didn’t say anything to one another, but they were spending time together. The dad stregthened his relationship with his teen through music. The father bought concert tickets and invited the boy. When they went to the concert, the father was very careful not to say anything judgmental about his son, any of the concert-goers, or on any topic for that matter. Over time the boy began to trust his father not to be critical (a past problem between these two). After a year of very slow progress, there is now a real relationship between father and son.
Mark, a therapist on our team, has already raised his teens. He worked very hard to find common ground with both kids. Although hard at the time, it has paid dividends now that they are fully grown.
Don’t Force It, But Don’t Do Nothing
Assess where you are in your relationship with your teen. Start right there. Don’t try and force something that doesn’t exist, and don’t try and make it happen too quickly.
Be Non-Judgemental
Take your time and be patient. Be very cognizant of how many judgments you are making. It is a great idea to keep those to yourself. Be aware of how defensive you are feeling. Remember that you don’t have to respond if your teenager says something offensive, responding is up to you. Sometimes what you don’t say to your teen helps strengthen your relationship.
Prioritize Your Teen
Make your teenager a priority. I guarantee you have some unimportant priorities that seem very big to you. I know that for a fact because we all do. My ridiculous priority that sometimes gets put in front of relationship with my kids is cleanliness. I get so worked up if the house isn’t clean, that I miss valuable time with them.
What are your unnecessary priorities? Is it work? Golf? Football? Exercise? All those things are great, and so is a clean house. They just aren’t great when they become the thing that MUST be done before having focused time with your family. Out of order priorities weaken instead of strengthen your relationship with teen children.
Stronger Relationships with Teens Mean No Blame-Game
A lot of parents come to me and blame their teens for disrupted relationships. Frequently, they tell me that it was much better a couple years ago while they still had an elementary school aged child. However, elementary school aged children usually go with the flow more and do what you say. Typically, they will take an interest in what you’re doing in order to get your attention.
Once you have teens, they think for themselves. They know what they find enjoyable. Even though that might be a little bit different than what you like to do, it doesn’t mean they prefer you not be around. They just prefer you leave if you consistently criticize what they like to do. So instead, consider taking an interest in it. Then you still have an influence on, and still get to spend time with your kid.
Wrapping Up
Developing a stronger relationship with your teenager takes intentionality and work. Unfortunately, adolescents aren’t usually the ones who will make the first step. You might feel like your efforts are falling on deaf ears (It’s even worse when that feels intentional). However, at the end of the day, strengthening your relationship with your teen is essential. You have almost finished raised your child. Don’t give up now even though it feels frustrating and hard!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 2, 2024 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Entitlement in Adolescents
A while ago, I was fortunate enough to hear John Townsend speak. He is witty, engaging and above all, wise. He had really good things to say about adolescent entitlement.
One of the key points he made was that we should not say, “I deserve” this or that. That verbage causes us to actually lose power. When we think we deserve something, we assume it’s due us. That means we’re upset when we don’t have it, and we don’t see how to go and get it for ourselves.
What To Do If Your Teen Is Entitled
If your teenager tells you, “I deserve an iPhone,” it means they’ve given you all the power to control when and how they get it. They are completely relying on you to provide this for them. Instead it’s much better to teach your children (and yourselves) to use the words, “I’m responsible” to get the thing you want. If your adolescents learn to say this, they then believe it’s within their power to earn things. I agree with Dr. Townsend on this point completely because it teaches your teens motivation, and goal setting. Those two things can be hard to teach a teen, but they help to end entitlement in adolescents.
Entitlement to Special Treatment
Another point Dr. Townsend made that was fantastic is essentially to be very careful about believing you’re “exempt from responsibility,” and therefore, “owed special treatment.” When you read that sentence, I’m sure you don’t think you’re guilty of this. Afterall, at first I didn’t. Then he went on to explain that ALL of us do this from time to time. We think it’s fine to share our opinions without being careful of someone else’s feelings. We can be particularly guilty of this on social media. However, we don’t want to hear opinions contrary to our own; that’s deemed offensive.
The Most Common Area of Teen Entitlement
When it comes to teens, I hear the problem of being “exempt from responsibility” and “owed special treatment” in one particular area all the time. This is with their teachers and coaches. I hear teens’ parents tell me their child had a bad teacher or bad coach. They say this in front of their teenager. This causes entitlement in your adolescent. Some parents even go as far as to change their teenager’s schedule at school in order to get a particular teacher and avoid others. My question to you if you do this is: Why does your child deserve the best teacher? It’s nice when it happens, but does anybody deserve that? And, there’s that word “deserve” again.
Responsibility in Adolescents is the Opposite of Entitlement
The better thing to teach your child is to be responsible for finding a way to learn and earn a good grade even with the less engaging teachers. There’s that other word, “responsible.” Besides, learning to function with less than optimum learning conditions is more important than learning the subject matter. How many times in your life have you used your 11th grade trigonometry from that class with the great math teacher? Compare this with how many situations you’ve been in where your boss or client was less than great. Aren’t you glad you learned to cope with “bad” teachers after all?
What Can Parents Do?
Firstly, you have the ability to model good behavior. Show a lot of gratitude for all the things in your life. Understand that God gives and takes away as He wills. We aren’t owed anything in this life. Your kids will greatly benefit from that outlook too. They’ll work hard and enjoy what they have, but they won’t be destroyed every time they don’t get their way.
At Teen Therapy OC, combatting entitlement in adolescents towards parents is a key goal in nearly every counseling relationship. Many, many adolescents who come in struggle with entitlement. They are angry with parents for “taking away my phone,” or “not letting me go out with my friends.” Of course this doesn’t describe everyone, but for those it does, we work on adolescent entitlement reduction. Everyone ends up happier.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | May 10, 2024 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Importance of Good Sleep
I’m bringing up the issue of teen sleep because I hear parents express concern about it in my therapy office all the time. I have to admit, how well and how consistently your teenager sleeps is a really big deal. Good sleep is strongly linked to happiness, immune functioning, school performance, memory, safe driving, and so much more. When teenagers aren’t getting enough sleep, it can affect almost every part of their lives.
Why Are Teens Short on Sleep?
Teenagers are notorious for giving up sleep to finish homework, text their friends, play video games, or scroll through TikTok. However, none of these are good reasons to regularly get less than the sleep they need. If your teen occasionally stays up late to finish an assignment, that’s one thing. If they’re doing it night after night, though, it’s a problem.
Surprisingly, teenagers still need a consistent bedtime. And yes, you have to enforce it. Sleep is essential for their health and well-being. If your teen has trouble waking up for school every morning, that may be their body’s way of telling you they aren’t getting enough sleep.
The Family’s Role in Healthy Teen Sleep
Interestingly, there’s a good chance that if your teen has poor sleep habits, you do too. So, what can you do? First, get yourself on a healthy sleep schedule. Instead of watching late-night TV, start treating your own sleep as a priority. When you’re well-rested, you’re likely to have more energy and patience for work, family, and friends.
Second, make sleep a priority in your family’s overall health. There is a tremendous emphasis on the food we eat and how much we exercise, which is important. But there isn’t nearly enough discussion about the role sleep plays in our overall health. Getting enough sleep supports your immune system, improves concentration and thinking, lowers certain health risks, and can help prevent injuries. And honestly, it just feels good to wake up rested!
What If My Teen Sleeps Too Much?
On the other hand, maybe your concern about your teenager’s sleep comes from the opposite problem. If your teen naps frequently and still sleeps eight or more hours at night, there may be something else going on. Excessive sleep (hypersomnia) can be a symptom of several different problems, including depression, substance use, endocrine issues, or physical illness. That’s why it’s important to talk with your doctor if your teenager is consistently sleeping much more than expected.
Your doctor may recommend psychiatry or therapy, but they may also identify another medical issue that needs attention. If your teenager regularly needs more than 10 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period, it’s important to have a conversation with their doctor.
Better Teen Sleep Can Help the Whole Family
Once you get your family back on a healthy sleep schedule, everyone’s life can improve. We want to help your family understand the importance of good sleep, especially for your developing teenager. Not only will this improve their general health, it will also improve their happiness and overall well-being!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
