by Lauren Goodman | Sep 25, 2017 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Hard work gives self-worth to adolescent boys.
Photo Credit: Stuart Miles/freedigitalphotos.net
What gives a boy good self-esteem? The answer is simple. It’s work. W-O-R-K. Those four little letters strung together add up to big benefits for teen boys.
For the first eight years I practiced therapy, I believed all the books I’d read. I thought teen boys needed a great home life. I thought they needed to believe they were good enough on the inside and the outside. I believed they had to be accepted by their peers. While these things are certainly helpful, where does it leave the boys who don’t have this?
Two years ago I had an eighteen year old boy come in for therapy. This kid had it all in terms of what we think should create high self-esteem in an adolescent. He was a good-looking, popular kid. He had a great family, was talented at sports, and really did believe he was good enough to win anyone’s approval. Why was he unhappy then? It was absolutely baffling to me. We worked and worked. Finally I told this kid he wouldn’t have a good self-esteem, or feel happier until he started taking responsibility for the things in his life. I didn’t mean the emotional things. I meant the really simple things. I told him to start keeping his car clean, pay his cell bill, and buy his own gas. He gave me a sideways look, but then decided he’d try it. He quickly ran out of money though. That’s when everything got better. He got a little part-time job and began to pay his own way. The more of his own things he paid for, the happier he felt. His self-worth began to improve. Then he found a full-time job and began to pay for all his own stuff.
The boy’s parents couldn’t figure out why he was doing this since they were willing to pay for everything. He explained to them that when he paid his own way he felt like a man. He said he felt he could look anyone in the eye and have dignity.
That’s when it dawned on me: Many teen boys today don’t have dignity. For an adolescent male, being able to get up and go to work is defining. It allows them to psychologically transition from a dependent boy to an independent man. Manhood and independence are synonymous. If you are trying to prevent your son from working so that he’ll have more time to focus on school, it’s an admirable thing to do. However, though your intentions are really good, I think it might be a misguided way to help your son.
Your responsibility as a parent is to help your son become a man. You and I agree wholeheartedly that education opens more doors for your son as he becomes an adult. Don’t forget though, your son also needs to have his character shaped. He craves hard work and the associated reward (a paycheck and the dignity of earning his own way). Don’t stand in his way. Even if this slightly slows his educational process down, by the time he graduates college he’ll be far better prepared for the working world. He’ll be more likely to succeed if he’s had just a little bit of time in the trenches. He’ll be more appreciative of his paycheck. He’ll be less entitled out of college, and therefore more able to handle his money. He’ll have a greatly improved understanding of how to get along with people of all stripes. I could list many more benefits than this.
Ever since that epiphany two years ago, this has become a consistent recommendation I make to the parents of the teen boys I see in my counseling office. So, all this to say, if you find your teenage son has low self-worth, consider having him work. I believe it makes a big difference.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 11, 2017 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Changing your teen’s outlook from discouraged to hopeful is hard, but rewarding.
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Don’t you hate the feeling that comes with trying as hard as you can to improve a situation, but you just feel like you’re running in place? No matter what you do, it doesn’t seem like you can make it better. It’s completely disheartening and frustrating. Sometimes it shakes you to the core. Oftentimes it bleeds into other areas of your life despite your best intentions. This is called discouragement.
Teenagers get this feeling pretty frequently, and usually don’t quite have the maturity to know how to handle it. Mom or Dad, you might notice your son or daughter becoming withdrawn and irritable. You might observe them making negative comments and giving up much more easily than they used to. They may resist activities they used to do in a heartbeat. You’re left feeling perplexed as you wonder what has your teen feeling so down.
When adolescents don’t know how to lift themselves above a situation, it’s up to your parental instincts to help. This can be tricky because your child may not necessarily share what has them feeling frustrated. If it’s a certain class, they might fear telling you because they don’t want you to get upset with them. If it’s that they can’t find a job, they may interpret your suggestions as criticisms. If your teen is discouraged about making friends, they may find it impossible to implement things that are supposed to help.
My whole job consists of motivating discouraged teens and parents to make changes. A lot of times the discouragement is about the parent/teen relationship, but it’s often about other things as well. These things have ranged from addiction to anxiety to depression to trauma (rape, abuse, etc.) to other issues specific to each individual client. One thing consistent across the board in helping a discouraged adolescent begin to make things better is to instill hope.
When you instill hope into your child it cannot be based on false premises. You cannot tell your child they will become valedictorian of their high school if they failed during freshman year; that is literally not possible. You CAN tell them they can still make it to a college they will truly enjoy and feel proud of if they decide to. You cannot tell your daughter who has never done gymnastics, dance or anything else requiring grace and flexibility that she will make captain of the cheer team this year. However, you CAN help her believe she is capable of participating in a sport, having camaraderie, getting into shape and feeling proud of it (especially no-cut sports like cross country). It’s extremely important to help your teen set realistic expectations for him or herself, and be open to changing the picture of what they want just a little bit. Help your teen realize it’s okay if they can’t be the most popular student in their middle school, and that having a solid group of friends makes lifelong joyful memories.
Fighting through discouragement with your adolescent is a challenge. This is especially true when you feel as discouraged as they do. I’ve sat with a lot of parents who have had to change their own expectations before they were able to help their teen instead of harp on their teen. It’s not easy, but the rewards last a lifetime. We’re all built a certain way, which means we have an individual purpose- starting to discover that purpose provides hope, which is the opposite of discouragement.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | May 31, 2017 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Bipolar Disorder can make things chaotic and overwhelming.
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There are a few types of Bipolar Disorder. They are labeled differently depending on their severity. This post is about Bipolar I, the most intense form or Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar Disorder (previous known as manic-depression) is a serious mental illness. It is defined by the presence of a manic episode. Mania isn’t just feeling happy. Mania is a very intense, sometimes euphoric, chemical imbalance causing unusual psychological phenomena. A manic episode means a greatly reduced need for sleep (about 0-2 hours per night). It means coming up with grandiose ideas. An example of a grandiose idea would be deciding, without research, to move to Alaska and drill for oil. In some cases, mania means following through on those ideas. The follow-through is done without forethought or planning. It is done in a disorganized fashion. Mania can include extreme behavior. I once read of a man in the news who spent $50,000 at Walmart in a single afternoon; he was in the middle of a manic episode. Someone in a manic episode might engage in dangerous behavior such as trying drugs, having sex, stealing a car, etc. I’ve also sat with people in manic episodes who have flight of ideas and pressured speech (very rapid, ongoing speech with ideas that go from one to the next without a breath). Not as commonly, people suffering from a manic episode can be psychotic. Sometimes they are not sure what is real and their five senses can become confused.
The other piece of Bipolar Disorder is depressive episodes. You only need a manic episode to receive a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, but usually depression is part of the picture as well. This isn’t just your typical, ‘I feel sad because my friend is upset with me,’ kind of day. This is can’t crawl out of bed, overwhelming anxiety, self-hating depression. This is a major depressive episode. It’s feeling like you can’t eat, or can’t stop eating, wish for death, nobody cares for me depression. It’s extremely painful. This is the place where some with bipolar feel suicidal. Oftentimes their energy level is so greatly restricted by the depression that even if they are suicidal, they don’t have the energy to try it. It’s a dark, terrifying place.
People living with bipolar didn’t choose it. They aren’t just making “wrong choices.” A lot of the times we lack compassion for people with mental illness. They look fine on the outside, so we think, “Why don’t they just try harder in school?” or “Why don’t they pick better friends?” or “If they would just get organized, then they could do so much better.” We’re so quick to judge. We completely misunderstand how impairing mental illness can be. If our brain isn’t functioning at capacity, things become immediately much more difficult.
Do you remember the last time you were really sleep-deprived? Maybe you pulled an all-nighter with friends, or maybe you were a new parent with a 2-day old infant who needed to be fed every 2-3 hours. A couple days of no sleep and you were no longer at your best. Your memory became foggy, your processing speed slowed down, your energy level diminished, and your ability to be productive was gone. This is all because your brain wasn’t at capacity. While I’ve never heard someone with bipolar describe the struggles they face as being similar to sleep-deprivation, you can at least understand that mental illness isn’t something to just “get over.”
The families of people with bipolar disorder suffer greatly too. A good place to read about what it’s like is ridingthebipolarcoaster.blogspot.com. This blog is written by a mom who has watched a child go through bipolar disorder. It’s scary and it causes feelings of helplessness; It’s unpredictable.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | May 12, 2017 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Your teen is tired, but there is hope to help her change that.
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Parents, do you hear this ALL THE TIME? Is your adolescent child constantly complaining of feeling exhausted? Here are 5 reasons why teenagers in 2017 are just plain worn out:
1. They need more sleep. Did you know an adolescent still should be getting a little over 9 hours of sleep per night? Adults need about 8 or 8.5. The difference here is that teenagers are still growing and developing. You wouldn’t allow a 2 year old child to get only 7 hours of sleep per night, so why are you allowing your 15 year old to only get 5 or 6? Sleep needs to be guarded and prioritized above friends, screen time (video games, phones, Netflix), sports and sometimes even homework. It is the magic elixir that prevents illness, prevents depression, allows clarity of thought, elevates moods, improves memory, gives incredible amounts of energy, and restores breakdowns within the body. Sleep is imperative.
2. Their diet needs to be improved. It is really easy to overlook diet in children because they’re children. They are so active that they don’t look fat. They seem to eat whatever and feel fine. Honestly though, once you feed your teenager a truly healthy diet you’ll probably see a difference. Teens go out to eat often. This means they are possibly filling up on empty calories. They aren’t getting enough vitamins through fruits and vegetables, and they are getting too much salt and sugar. Teenagers also consume a pretty good amount of caffeine. While caffeine is a band-aid, it isn’t part of the recipe to optimum health. Help them eat right so their energy can improve.
3. They don’t know how to be still. Psalm 46:10 in the Bible says, “Be still and know that I am God.” Our culture has lost the art of being still. Oh sure, we know how to sit and not physically move, but we never still our minds. I bet your teenager sleeps with his phone beside his bed, uses it as his alarm to wake up, checks texts and social media right away, and always has music playing. We are never just quiet and still anymore. It helps your teenager re-energize if he can learn to sit outside, enjoy the breeze, listen to the sounds and observe what is around…without an electronic device.
4. They are over-committed. There are so many good things to do with our time. However, saying yes to everything prevents any of us from doing one or two things well. Believe me, if I said yes to every client who called, I never would have learned how to specialize in working with adolescents. Your teenager can’t say yes to everything either. Your child might already know she intends to major in engineering in college. In that case it is probably better that she learns AP Physics well instead of halfway understanding AP Physics and AP US History. Maybe, just maybe, AP US History isn’t useful for her particular goals.
5. They need to shut off their phones. Do you realize how much longer it takes to complete an assignment when you stop every one to two minutes to read and respond to a text message? It will easily double the time needed. Imagine driving in traffic. It is much slower to start and stop constantly than to just cruise along to your destination. Your adolescent is a master at keeping two or three threads of thought running at the same time: your daughter is engaged in two different text conversations and is concentrating on that paper she’s trying to write. Help her see something very important: things that feel urgent aren’t always important. Answering someone’s text feels like it needs to be done quickly, but usually it isn’t important. Can you remember the text conversation you had with your friend from three weeks ago? Your teen can’t either. Help your child learn that while Americans constantly multi-task, all the research shows this is detrimental to performance and efficiency. Can you imagine if your surgeon were multi-tasking!?!
Parents, I’m sure you noticed that these 5 things don’t just apply to kids. They are also why you feel tired. They are also why I get tired. I find it’s a constant battle to sleep more, eat better, say no to good things, rest my body AND mind, and put down my phone. However, it’s a battle I’ll keep fighting because I don’t want to be cranky and exhausted. I know you don’t want to be either, and neither does your teen.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Nov 14, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
People with Bipolar Disorder spend the majority of their time feeling depressed.
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Bipolar Disorder isn’t well understood. Watch Silver Linings Playbook if you’d like to see a really good example of how it looks in real life. It shows the chaos that can come with the Bipolar diagnosis. It shows how it’s much more than “mood swings.”
Here are some common misconceptions about Bipolar Disorder:
- It’s mood swings.
- It’s feeling up and down about life.
- It’s something someone can control on their own.
- You don’t need to worry about suicide since it’s not depression.
- Bipolar is an unusual diagnosis.
- People who have Bipolar Disorder experience mania on a regular basis.
- Mania means happy.
- There is a test for a Bipolar Diagnosis.
- Bipolar only exists in adults.
Here are some truths about Bipolar Disorder:
- Moods are less relevant to the diagnosis than a full on affective state. What this means is the person is wholly depressed or wholly manic. This doesn’t just mean they feel sad or happy. It means they have all the symptoms of depression (which often include sleep disturbance, lack of interest in life, suicidal thoughts, difficulty finding enough energy to complete routine tasks, and isolation among other symptoms) or all the symptoms of mania (mood lability, irritability, hyperverbal speech, flight of ideas, grandiose thinking, greatly decreased need for sleep, and psychomotor agitation).
- People will use the phrase, “She’s bipolar,” for someone who changes their mind about something a lot. That is not even close to what Bipolar Disorder is. Someone thinking one way and then shifting their ideas is probably just that person changing their mind. Some people change their minds a lot. This does not make them Bipolar.
- Bipolar Disorder can be managed to some extent with good mental health hygiene. However, it usually requires medication and psychotherapy as well. This doesn’t mean a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder indicates a lifetime of therapy, but it does probably call for professional help at the outset to help regain stability.
- Suicide is a VERY concerning threat for someone with the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. The reason it is worrisome is because in a state of depression, someone with Bipolar Disorder may wish to commit suicide. However, they might not have the energy to carry about the attempt. If they move into a manic phase they might not be energized enough to complete the suicide attempt. It is a definite risk with this diagnosis.
- Bipolar Disorder isn’t the most common of mental health diagnoses, but it’s not all that rare either. Chances are you know someone who has the diagnosis. It is heritable, which means if you have it, your children have an increased likelihood of having it as well.
- You only need to have 1 manic episode to be diagnosed Bipolar. People incorrectly assume people are manic all the time. This is patently false. Someone with Bipolar Disorder spends the majority of their time in a state of depression in most cases.
- Taking an online symptom check test or some other test doesn’t tell you if you suffer with Bipolar Disorder. This diagnosis needs to be made by someone in the field of psychology or psychiatry. There are other issues that mimic this diagnosis, such as methamphetamine abuse. A professional can rule out other possibilities.
- Bipolar Disorder does exist in children. It is frequently first diagnosed in adolescence.
Bipolar Disorder is a very difficult diagnosis for family members and for the person who deals with it. The depressive episodes can be ruthless in their pursuit of making someone completely miserable. The manic episodes makes someone irrational, angry, and unreasonable. In a state of mania someone usually has very questionable judgement as well. There is hope for people who suffer with Bipolar Disorder, but the road isn’t easy.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Nov 6, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Teens dealing with depression feel very alone.
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What does depression look like in teenagers?
It often shows up as irritability. Your once pleasant teen is now grumbling at you, constantly in a bad mood and very snappy. You’re probably thinking, ‘Wait, I thought that’s what teenagers were like anyhow!’ Well, sometimes. If they’re like this all the time though, they might be feeling depressed. Don’t get stuck on that thought though because there are a myriad of other reasons adolescents are endlessly irritable.
Adolescent depression can take the classic form. Adults who are depressed typically have sleep issues. They either sleep way too much or have perpetual insomnia. They also have food struggles. They might lack an appetite, and find that food has very little excitement and flavor. They also might eat excessively to try and comfort the unpleasant emotional state of depression. Emotions are always either negative or nonexistent. An adult with depression usually has a negative outlook on the future and on their own self. They tend not to have interest in activity either. Adolescent depression can look like this.
As a parent it feels really frustrating. If you have a depressed teenager, don’t you feel like grabbing them by the shoulders and giving them a good shake? Don’t you just want to yell at them to wake up and tell them to live again!?! Of course you don’t do this, but you probably don’t know what you should do. You’ve tried so many things. You’ve suggested they call a friend, join a club, or go out to have fun, but nothing seems to work. Either they won’t cooperate with you, or if they do they don’t seem to enjoy it. They tell you what used to be fun just isn’t anymore.
Adolescents with depression need the proper kind of help. Depending on how the depression symptoms are presenting a professional might recommend medication, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, family therapy or a combination of things. It’s a complex problem. Your teenager isn’t choosing to be this way. They honestly can’t help it. I’m huge on taking personal responsibility for your attitude and behavior so I don’t say this lightly. There is a difference between a bad attitude and true depression. A professional therapist or psychiatrist can help you sort this out.
If your teen is dealing with depressed moods please get them an evaluation. One thing that comes with real depression is thoughts of suicide. This isn’t something to mess around with, and it’s not something to ignore. It has to be taken very seriously. If your teenager mentions feeling like they want to kill himself or herself, please get an appointment made as soon as possible. If your adolescent says they plan to go through with it then don’t wait for an appointment. You need to take an immediate trip to the emergency room. I know you feel funny doing this, but this is an honest to goodness emergency.
Adolescent depression is frustrating and heartbreaking for parents. It’s really difficult and sad for teenagers too. They usually need extra help to get through it, and you’ll appreciate having a sense of direction too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
