by Lauren Goodman | May 12, 2017 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Your teen is tired, but there is hope to help her change that.
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Parents, do you hear this ALL THE TIME? Is your adolescent child constantly complaining of feeling exhausted? Here are 5 reasons why teenagers in 2017 are just plain worn out:
1. They need more sleep. Did you know an adolescent still should be getting a little over 9 hours of sleep per night? Adults need about 8 or 8.5. The difference here is that teenagers are still growing and developing. You wouldn’t allow a 2 year old child to get only 7 hours of sleep per night, so why are you allowing your 15 year old to only get 5 or 6? Sleep needs to be guarded and prioritized above friends, screen time (video games, phones, Netflix), sports and sometimes even homework. It is the magic elixir that prevents illness, prevents depression, allows clarity of thought, elevates moods, improves memory, gives incredible amounts of energy, and restores breakdowns within the body. Sleep is imperative.
2. Their diet needs to be improved. It is really easy to overlook diet in children because they’re children. They are so active that they don’t look fat. They seem to eat whatever and feel fine. Honestly though, once you feed your teenager a truly healthy diet you’ll probably see a difference. Teens go out to eat often. This means they are possibly filling up on empty calories. They aren’t getting enough vitamins through fruits and vegetables, and they are getting too much salt and sugar. Teenagers also consume a pretty good amount of caffeine. While caffeine is a band-aid, it isn’t part of the recipe to optimum health. Help them eat right so their energy can improve.
3. They don’t know how to be still. Psalm 46:10 in the Bible says, “Be still and know that I am God.” Our culture has lost the art of being still. Oh sure, we know how to sit and not physically move, but we never still our minds. I bet your teenager sleeps with his phone beside his bed, uses it as his alarm to wake up, checks texts and social media right away, and always has music playing. We are never just quiet and still anymore. It helps your teenager re-energize if he can learn to sit outside, enjoy the breeze, listen to the sounds and observe what is around…without an electronic device.
4. They are over-committed. There are so many good things to do with our time. However, saying yes to everything prevents any of us from doing one or two things well. Believe me, if I said yes to every client who called, I never would have learned how to specialize in working with adolescents. Your teenager can’t say yes to everything either. Your child might already know she intends to major in engineering in college. In that case it is probably better that she learns AP Physics well instead of halfway understanding AP Physics and AP US History. Maybe, just maybe, AP US History isn’t useful for her particular goals.
5. They need to shut off their phones. Do you realize how much longer it takes to complete an assignment when you stop every one to two minutes to read and respond to a text message? It will easily double the time needed. Imagine driving in traffic. It is much slower to start and stop constantly than to just cruise along to your destination. Your adolescent is a master at keeping two or three threads of thought running at the same time: your daughter is engaged in two different text conversations and is concentrating on that paper she’s trying to write. Help her see something very important: things that feel urgent aren’t always important. Answering someone’s text feels like it needs to be done quickly, but usually it isn’t important. Can you remember the text conversation you had with your friend from three weeks ago? Your teen can’t either. Help your child learn that while Americans constantly multi-task, all the research shows this is detrimental to performance and efficiency. Can you imagine if your surgeon were multi-tasking!?!
Parents, I’m sure you noticed that these 5 things don’t just apply to kids. They are also why you feel tired. They are also why I get tired. I find it’s a constant battle to sleep more, eat better, say no to good things, rest my body AND mind, and put down my phone. However, it’s a battle I’ll keep fighting because I don’t want to be cranky and exhausted. I know you don’t want to be either, and neither does your teen.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Nov 14, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
People with Bipolar Disorder spend the majority of their time feeling depressed.
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Bipolar Disorder isn’t well understood. Watch Silver Linings Playbook if you’d like to see a really good example of how it looks in real life. It shows the chaos that can come with the Bipolar diagnosis. It shows how it’s much more than “mood swings.”
Here are some common misconceptions about Bipolar Disorder:
- It’s mood swings.
- It’s feeling up and down about life.
- It’s something someone can control on their own.
- You don’t need to worry about suicide since it’s not depression.
- Bipolar is an unusual diagnosis.
- People who have Bipolar Disorder experience mania on a regular basis.
- Mania means happy.
- There is a test for a Bipolar Diagnosis.
- Bipolar only exists in adults.
Here are some truths about Bipolar Disorder:
- Moods are less relevant to the diagnosis than a full on affective state. What this means is the person is wholly depressed or wholly manic. This doesn’t just mean they feel sad or happy. It means they have all the symptoms of depression (which often include sleep disturbance, lack of interest in life, suicidal thoughts, difficulty finding enough energy to complete routine tasks, and isolation among other symptoms) or all the symptoms of mania (mood lability, irritability, hyperverbal speech, flight of ideas, grandiose thinking, greatly decreased need for sleep, and psychomotor agitation).
- People will use the phrase, “She’s bipolar,” for someone who changes their mind about something a lot. That is not even close to what Bipolar Disorder is. Someone thinking one way and then shifting their ideas is probably just that person changing their mind. Some people change their minds a lot. This does not make them Bipolar.
- Bipolar Disorder can be managed to some extent with good mental health hygiene. However, it usually requires medication and psychotherapy as well. This doesn’t mean a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder indicates a lifetime of therapy, but it does probably call for professional help at the outset to help regain stability.
- Suicide is a VERY concerning threat for someone with the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. The reason it is worrisome is because in a state of depression, someone with Bipolar Disorder may wish to commit suicide. However, they might not have the energy to carry about the attempt. If they move into a manic phase they might not be energized enough to complete the suicide attempt. It is a definite risk with this diagnosis.
- Bipolar Disorder isn’t the most common of mental health diagnoses, but it’s not all that rare either. Chances are you know someone who has the diagnosis. It is heritable, which means if you have it, your children have an increased likelihood of having it as well.
- You only need to have 1 manic episode to be diagnosed Bipolar. People incorrectly assume people are manic all the time. This is patently false. Someone with Bipolar Disorder spends the majority of their time in a state of depression in most cases.
- Taking an online symptom check test or some other test doesn’t tell you if you suffer with Bipolar Disorder. This diagnosis needs to be made by someone in the field of psychology or psychiatry. There are other issues that mimic this diagnosis, such as methamphetamine abuse. A professional can rule out other possibilities.
- Bipolar Disorder does exist in children. It is frequently first diagnosed in adolescence.
Bipolar Disorder is a very difficult diagnosis for family members and for the person who deals with it. The depressive episodes can be ruthless in their pursuit of making someone completely miserable. The manic episodes makes someone irrational, angry, and unreasonable. In a state of mania someone usually has very questionable judgement as well. There is hope for people who suffer with Bipolar Disorder, but the road isn’t easy.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Nov 6, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Teens dealing with depression feel very alone.
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What does depression look like in teenagers?
It often shows up as irritability. Your once pleasant teen is now grumbling at you, constantly in a bad mood and very snappy. You’re probably thinking, ‘Wait, I thought that’s what teenagers were like anyhow!’ Well, sometimes. If they’re like this all the time though, they might be feeling depressed. Don’t get stuck on that thought though because there are a myriad of other reasons adolescents are endlessly irritable.
Adolescent depression can take the classic form. Adults who are depressed typically have sleep issues. They either sleep way too much or have perpetual insomnia. They also have food struggles. They might lack an appetite, and find that food has very little excitement and flavor. They also might eat excessively to try and comfort the unpleasant emotional state of depression. Emotions are always either negative or nonexistent. An adult with depression usually has a negative outlook on the future and on their own self. They tend not to have interest in activity either. Adolescent depression can look like this.
As a parent it feels really frustrating. If you have a depressed teenager, don’t you feel like grabbing them by the shoulders and giving them a good shake? Don’t you just want to yell at them to wake up and tell them to live again!?! Of course you don’t do this, but you probably don’t know what you should do. You’ve tried so many things. You’ve suggested they call a friend, join a club, or go out to have fun, but nothing seems to work. Either they won’t cooperate with you, or if they do they don’t seem to enjoy it. They tell you what used to be fun just isn’t anymore.
Adolescents with depression need the proper kind of help. Depending on how the depression symptoms are presenting a professional might recommend medication, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, family therapy or a combination of things. It’s a complex problem. Your teenager isn’t choosing to be this way. They honestly can’t help it. I’m huge on taking personal responsibility for your attitude and behavior so I don’t say this lightly. There is a difference between a bad attitude and true depression. A professional therapist or psychiatrist can help you sort this out.
If your teen is dealing with depressed moods please get them an evaluation. One thing that comes with real depression is thoughts of suicide. This isn’t something to mess around with, and it’s not something to ignore. It has to be taken very seriously. If your teenager mentions feeling like they want to kill himself or herself, please get an appointment made as soon as possible. If your adolescent says they plan to go through with it then don’t wait for an appointment. You need to take an immediate trip to the emergency room. I know you feel funny doing this, but this is an honest to goodness emergency.
Adolescent depression is frustrating and heartbreaking for parents. It’s really difficult and sad for teenagers too. They usually need extra help to get through it, and you’ll appreciate having a sense of direction too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 10, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Doing well socially really helps teens enjoy school.
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Some Australian researchers spent time combing carefully through studies detailing the effects of positive social interactions at work. They found overwhelming evidence that people’s health is better when they are socially successful at their jobs.
I got to thinking about the teenagers I work with in the counseling office. I wondered how this article relates to them. Might they be healthier overall if they are doing well socially? I then wondered whether they are more likely to succeed in school. I thought to myself they must certainly attend more school days than their peers who struggle socially. The kids who like to see their friends would be reluctant to miss a school day because they wouldn’t want to miss out on social interactions.
As I give my answer to this question, keep in mind I am not in a position to conduct a research study. I don’t have the time or the resources. I have a practice to run with three amazing therapists where we are blessed enough to help hurting teens and families. So, my observations on these ideas are solely based off the time I’ve spent doing counseling with adolescents for the past 9 years.
The teenagers I’ve worked with who are socially successful do enjoy school more. They don’t necessarily enjoy academics more than their peers. They aren’t more likely to study and don’t always earn higher grades. What they enjoy is actually being at school. They really like PE classes, lunch and passing periods. They like to socialize. They like group projects more than solo projects. They enjoy the school spirit activities. They attend dances, football games and play on sports teams. Overall they do seem happier.
I can’t really comment on whether these teenagers seem healthier. I know their psychological health tends to be better. They have a better support system when things go wrong. They have more encouraging people in their lives. They are affirmed just for being themselves on a regular basis. They get enough physical affection to feel loved. These things should contribute to more physical health, but I’ve never especially noticed one way or the other. One possibility for this is that as a whole adolescents don’t have a great number of health problems yet. Another possibility is that my main focus is on their mental health.
In any case, I wanted to share a little bit about the article because I thought it was really interesting. I also wanted to put down some thoughts on how this is relevant to you raising a teenager. One of the most important take-aways is to realize that your teenager’s ability to socialize well is as much (if not more) of an indicator of your child’s future happiness than their ability to do well academically.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
PS- Here is the link to the article: https://medlineplus.gov/news/fullstory_161331.html
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 6, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Teenage Depression often manifests as irritability.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Major Depressive Disorder is much more serious than people realize. I often hear people come into my office complaining of “depression.” While they might have some symptoms of depression, it is less common to meet the full diagnosis.
One thing that confuses parents is that depression looks different in teenagers than in adults. It can still include all the classic symptoms such as a lot of crying, too much sleep or insomnia, not wanting to eat, less interest in activities, and a general feeling of hopelessness. However, there are other symptoms that also mark depression in teenagers, which are easy to miss. Teens do not necessarily have low energy. What they will show instead is a lot of irritability. The irritability will often be irrational. They can snap quickly. You might be thinking that teenagers can be moody anyhow. This is true. However, with depression, the moodiness is often coupled with hopelessness, a drop in grades, and social struggles.
If you notice your teen has become markedly more irritable, and it lasts for two weeks or more, it is time to have them evaluated. If your teen mentions wanting to die, or suicidal thoughts, do not wait two weeks for an evaluation. Get them help right away. While a lot of teenagers say these kinds of things to get attention, some of them are serious. It’s too risky to assume they don’t mean it. Please take suicidal statements seriously.
Depression can be mixed with anxiety too. Many teens feel more nervous when they are depressed. It makes sense. The depressed moods lead to being more easily upset. If things more easily upset your adolescent, then they are likely to be nervous about more situations.
What can you do to help? Firstly, sit down with your teenager and have a heart to heart. Find out if there is something bothering him or her that hasn’t been shared. Be prepared to hear something you won’t like. You might hear about a few mean kids at school, but you are just as likely to hear ways they are unhappy with you. The worst thing you can do is discount your teen’s emotions and experiences. Keep in mind that teenagers interpret situations differently than adults. They still live in a very self-focused world. If you’ve been more short-tempered than usual because of stress at the office, a teenager is likely to take it personally. Remind them gently that not everything is about them. Help them also remember that other kids at school have struggles, which can make them rude; it probably isn’t personal either.
Once you’ve had the heart to heart observe your teen for a couple days. If they don’t seem to feel any better, check in with them again. Offer to get them help. You’d be surprised at how many want to talk to someone, but are afraid to ask.
Things to take home from this blog post:
1. Depression is a difficult emotional disorder.
2. Depression is real in teenagers, and not necessarily made-up for attention.
3. Take any comments about suicide very seriously.
4. Try and address your teen’s emotions, but don’t hesitate to get them help if they need it.
5. Don’t assume you or your teenager is a failure if they experience depression.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Sep 20, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
A teen’s moods can vary by 180 degrees multiple times per day.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Does your teen seem to have big mood swings? Does your adolescent act nicely only when they want something from you? Do you feel tired of doing so many things for them and they don’t seem to thank you? Does it seem like your child thinks you “owe” them things? Do they yell at you one minute, and then cry the next because they can’t believe they said that to you?
Adolescents are partially to be excused for this behavior, and partially to be held accountable. It’s a fine line between where they have emotional control and where they just don’t have the physical maturity to do this yet (Yes, I wrote physical on purpose. Their brains are developing very rapidly through their teen years). Their emotional regulation increases each year, and so should your expectation that they behave with increasing maturity.
While your adolescents are 13 and 14 years old, realize they go into a state of high emotional arousal fairly easily. Since you know this, don’t try and talk to them when they’re heightened. Wait until they calm down and then have whatever discussion you need to have. As parents we have the luxury of being infinitely patient. Kids generally have to run their lives on our timetable. What I mean by this is that they can’t drive themselves places, they can’t pay their own bills, and they can’t do a whole lot without you. So, just wait out their bad moods. If they miss a soccer practice because they were being too rude to you for you to want to drive them, then that’s their choice. However, don’t call the coach and get them out of whatever consequences they would face. That’s where parents err.
As your teen gets older though, it is perfectly reasonable for you to expect better behavior from them. They should be showing more gratitude, not yelling as frequently, showing the beginnings of empathy, and feeling more even tempered. This doesn’t mean they will be perfectly mature in every situation. It does mean they can be reasonable. This depends on your being reasonable though. If you still yell as though you’re in early adolescence, don’t expect anything better from your kids.
By 16 and 17, your children have the early ability to put themselves into your shoes. They should finally be able to understand how much you do around the house. They finally can understand that you actually work for your money. They realize you put in a lot of effort to get where you are in life. They are capable of not taking advantage of you anymore. If you still feel like you’re being treated really poorly by your older teenager, then we need to talk. There’s a decent chance there is some nuance to your behavior as a parent that either provokes or permits your teen’s bad attitude.
Raising teens is a completely challenging joy. They will make you want to rip out your hair, and they will make you laugh until your sides ache. Teenagers are trying to navigate intense academic pressure, learn how to associate with the opposite sex, find an identity, think about separating from home, and cope with emotional swings due to puberty; it is a really tough time for them. Keep this in mind, but don’t let it excuse bad choices.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
