by Lauren Goodman | Oct 10, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Doing well socially really helps teens enjoy school.
Credit: Ambro via freedigitalphotos.net
Some Australian researchers spent time combing carefully through studies detailing the effects of positive social interactions at work. They found overwhelming evidence that people’s health is better when they are socially successful at their jobs.
I got to thinking about the teenagers I work with in the counseling office. I wondered how this article relates to them. Might they be healthier overall if they are doing well socially? I then wondered whether they are more likely to succeed in school. I thought to myself they must certainly attend more school days than their peers who struggle socially. The kids who like to see their friends would be reluctant to miss a school day because they wouldn’t want to miss out on social interactions.
As I give my answer to this question, keep in mind I am not in a position to conduct a research study. I don’t have the time or the resources. I have a practice to run with three amazing therapists where we are blessed enough to help hurting teens and families. So, my observations on these ideas are solely based off the time I’ve spent doing counseling with adolescents for the past 9 years.
The teenagers I’ve worked with who are socially successful do enjoy school more. They don’t necessarily enjoy academics more than their peers. They aren’t more likely to study and don’t always earn higher grades. What they enjoy is actually being at school. They really like PE classes, lunch and passing periods. They like to socialize. They like group projects more than solo projects. They enjoy the school spirit activities. They attend dances, football games and play on sports teams. Overall they do seem happier.
I can’t really comment on whether these teenagers seem healthier. I know their psychological health tends to be better. They have a better support system when things go wrong. They have more encouraging people in their lives. They are affirmed just for being themselves on a regular basis. They get enough physical affection to feel loved. These things should contribute to more physical health, but I’ve never especially noticed one way or the other. One possibility for this is that as a whole adolescents don’t have a great number of health problems yet. Another possibility is that my main focus is on their mental health.
In any case, I wanted to share a little bit about the article because I thought it was really interesting. I also wanted to put down some thoughts on how this is relevant to you raising a teenager. One of the most important take-aways is to realize that your teenager’s ability to socialize well is as much (if not more) of an indicator of your child’s future happiness than their ability to do well academically.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
PS- Here is the link to the article: https://medlineplus.gov/news/fullstory_161331.html
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 6, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Teenage Depression often manifests as irritability.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Major Depressive Disorder is much more serious than people realize. I often hear people come into my office complaining of “depression.” While they might have some symptoms of depression, it is less common to meet the full diagnosis.
One thing that confuses parents is that depression looks different in teenagers than in adults. It can still include all the classic symptoms such as a lot of crying, too much sleep or insomnia, not wanting to eat, less interest in activities, and a general feeling of hopelessness. However, there are other symptoms that also mark depression in teenagers, which are easy to miss. Teens do not necessarily have low energy. What they will show instead is a lot of irritability. The irritability will often be irrational. They can snap quickly. You might be thinking that teenagers can be moody anyhow. This is true. However, with depression, the moodiness is often coupled with hopelessness, a drop in grades, and social struggles.
If you notice your teen has become markedly more irritable, and it lasts for two weeks or more, it is time to have them evaluated. If your teen mentions wanting to die, or suicidal thoughts, do not wait two weeks for an evaluation. Get them help right away. While a lot of teenagers say these kinds of things to get attention, some of them are serious. It’s too risky to assume they don’t mean it. Please take suicidal statements seriously.
Depression can be mixed with anxiety too. Many teens feel more nervous when they are depressed. It makes sense. The depressed moods lead to being more easily upset. If things more easily upset your adolescent, then they are likely to be nervous about more situations.
What can you do to help? Firstly, sit down with your teenager and have a heart to heart. Find out if there is something bothering him or her that hasn’t been shared. Be prepared to hear something you won’t like. You might hear about a few mean kids at school, but you are just as likely to hear ways they are unhappy with you. The worst thing you can do is discount your teen’s emotions and experiences. Keep in mind that teenagers interpret situations differently than adults. They still live in a very self-focused world. If you’ve been more short-tempered than usual because of stress at the office, a teenager is likely to take it personally. Remind them gently that not everything is about them. Help them also remember that other kids at school have struggles, which can make them rude; it probably isn’t personal either.
Once you’ve had the heart to heart observe your teen for a couple days. If they don’t seem to feel any better, check in with them again. Offer to get them help. You’d be surprised at how many want to talk to someone, but are afraid to ask.
Things to take home from this blog post:
1. Depression is a difficult emotional disorder.
2. Depression is real in teenagers, and not necessarily made-up for attention.
3. Take any comments about suicide very seriously.
4. Try and address your teen’s emotions, but don’t hesitate to get them help if they need it.
5. Don’t assume you or your teenager is a failure if they experience depression.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Sep 20, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
A teen’s moods can vary by 180 degrees multiple times per day.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Does your teen seem to have big mood swings? Does your adolescent act nicely only when they want something from you? Do you feel tired of doing so many things for them and they don’t seem to thank you? Does it seem like your child thinks you “owe” them things? Do they yell at you one minute, and then cry the next because they can’t believe they said that to you?
Adolescents are partially to be excused for this behavior, and partially to be held accountable. It’s a fine line between where they have emotional control and where they just don’t have the physical maturity to do this yet (Yes, I wrote physical on purpose. Their brains are developing very rapidly through their teen years). Their emotional regulation increases each year, and so should your expectation that they behave with increasing maturity.
While your adolescents are 13 and 14 years old, realize they go into a state of high emotional arousal fairly easily. Since you know this, don’t try and talk to them when they’re heightened. Wait until they calm down and then have whatever discussion you need to have. As parents we have the luxury of being infinitely patient. Kids generally have to run their lives on our timetable. What I mean by this is that they can’t drive themselves places, they can’t pay their own bills, and they can’t do a whole lot without you. So, just wait out their bad moods. If they miss a soccer practice because they were being too rude to you for you to want to drive them, then that’s their choice. However, don’t call the coach and get them out of whatever consequences they would face. That’s where parents err.
As your teen gets older though, it is perfectly reasonable for you to expect better behavior from them. They should be showing more gratitude, not yelling as frequently, showing the beginnings of empathy, and feeling more even tempered. This doesn’t mean they will be perfectly mature in every situation. It does mean they can be reasonable. This depends on your being reasonable though. If you still yell as though you’re in early adolescence, don’t expect anything better from your kids.
By 16 and 17, your children have the early ability to put themselves into your shoes. They should finally be able to understand how much you do around the house. They finally can understand that you actually work for your money. They realize you put in a lot of effort to get where you are in life. They are capable of not taking advantage of you anymore. If you still feel like you’re being treated really poorly by your older teenager, then we need to talk. There’s a decent chance there is some nuance to your behavior as a parent that either provokes or permits your teen’s bad attitude.
Raising teens is a completely challenging joy. They will make you want to rip out your hair, and they will make you laugh until your sides ache. Teenagers are trying to navigate intense academic pressure, learn how to associate with the opposite sex, find an identity, think about separating from home, and cope with emotional swings due to puberty; it is a really tough time for them. Keep this in mind, but don’t let it excuse bad choices.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Aug 11, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
It can be hard for teens to deal with depression on their own.
Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
1. Isolating. If your teenager has stopped spending time with the family and with friends, it could be a sign of depression.
2. Change in Weight. Teenagers gain weight throughout their adolescent years as part of becoming an adult. However, if you’ve always had a rail thin teen who then becomes overweight, or a teenager with normal weight who becomes extremely thin, it may be mood related. Rapid weight change is associated with depression.
3. Hypersomnia. This means excessive sleeping. Adolescents often sleep 10 to 12 hours per night on the weekends, which is normal. However, if your teenager is getting 10 to 12 hours of sleep each day of the week too (including naps), that’s called hypersomnia.
4. Insomnia. Sometimes depression leads to an inability to fall asleep. For others insomnia looks different. They fall asleep just fine, but then wake up after a few hours and cannot get back to sleep.
5. Irritability. This is not always a symptom in adult depression, but is present in nearly every depressed teenager. Please note, teens are often irritable, so irritability on its own is probably not depression.
6. Crying often. If your adolescent cries easily, and sometimes cannot even articulate why, it could be due to depression.
7. Flattened affect. Your affect is your emotional expressiveness. If your teen is usually fairly expressive, but now seems quite a bit less so, it can be a sign of depressed mood. When we think of affect, we’re usually talking about intonation and facial expression.
8. Suicidal thoughts. In most cases of depression, suicidal thoughts are part of the picture. A person can feel pretty hopeless when they’re depressed. Without hope it can be hard to find reasons to live. If you’re teenager is expressing suicidal thoughts, they need immediate help.
9. Self-harm. Some depressed teens cut themselves. They say it is a method to control when they feel their pain, how deeply they feel it, and who can know it. This is also a serious symptom that needs immediate evaluation by a professional.
10. Anxiety. Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. Does your teen worry excessively? They might have a mixture of depression and anxiety.
One thing that’s really important to understand is you can’t read a blog post like this and diagnose your teen with depression. Depression can be a combination of these symptoms, or all of these symptoms. However, these symptoms can signify other problems too. While this post is helpful for educating yourself on what might be going on, please take your teenager in for an evaluation with their doctor, a therapist, or a psychiatrist if you suspect depression.
I know it’s really hard on the whole family when a teen feels depressed. As parents it’s difficult not to think somehow it’s your fault. You may have tried everything you can think of to snap your child out of their “bad moods.” Try to keep in mind this isn’t your fault, and also that your teenager isn’t trying to do this just to be ornery. Hang in there, be gentle and loving, and get help if needed.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Aug 8, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Anger is common between teens and parents.
Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
Parents, you have so much to do with how your teenager handles their anger. Here are 5 things to think about with how you model anger for your teen:
1. Anger is not bad; mismanaged anger is bad. People tend to believe one should not feel or show anger at all, and that it is best to be calm all the time. That really isn’t true. Anger is sometimes justified. Anger is meant to help us move to action when a wrong is committed. When our move to action causes us to behave violently, belligerently, or rudely, is when it’s a problem.
2. We teach our children about anger. Our children learn about how to display and how to cope with anger from our example. If we yell and scream at the slightest provocation, they will quite possibly do the same. If we withdraw every time we feel mad, they learn to behave like that. If we take some deep breaths, slow everything down, and then think carefully, they will learn from that example.
3. Ask questions. When your teenager is angry, try to ask very gentle questions. If they realize you’re willing to listen to what they really need to say they will calm down. You might not give in, and you’re not obligated to. However, hearing them out for quite some time before you respond is really important.
4. Recognize when anger is justified. Be aware of when you’re angry because you were truly wronged versus when you feel offended without enough information. Managing anger is all about patience. If you are able to show your teenager that you can wait for all the pieces of the puzzle before you get heated, you’ll teach them the same. Here’s an example: Your boss gives someone else the project you’ve always expressed wanting to work on. You could get angry and feel personally offended. The other option is to ask why that happened. You just might discover that your boss has something even better in the pipeline for you.
5. Clarify. When it comes to your own family it’s rare they are trying to truly sabotage you. Get clarification on things you don’t understand. Oftentimes things are not how they look. If you see your spouse sitting around when you think they should be helping around the house, ask before you criticize. You will teach your teen the be the same way. That way they won’t accuse you of doing nothing all day while they’re at school, or some other such nonsense.
Anger is a tough emotion. I get a lot of calls from worried parents that their teenager needs counseling to deal with their anger. Sometimes these teens truly are angry, but it doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s not to say it’s all mom and dad’s fault. That is never the case. However, when we collaborate together mom and dad see how to help lead their teen to more constructive ways of dealing with this challenging emotion.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
