by Lauren Goodman | Aug 11, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
It can be hard for teens to deal with depression on their own.
Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
1. Isolating. If your teenager has stopped spending time with the family and with friends, it could be a sign of depression.
2. Change in Weight. Teenagers gain weight throughout their adolescent years as part of becoming an adult. However, if you’ve always had a rail thin teen who then becomes overweight, or a teenager with normal weight who becomes extremely thin, it may be mood related. Rapid weight change is associated with depression.
3. Hypersomnia. This means excessive sleeping. Adolescents often sleep 10 to 12 hours per night on the weekends, which is normal. However, if your teenager is getting 10 to 12 hours of sleep each day of the week too (including naps), that’s called hypersomnia.
4. Insomnia. Sometimes depression leads to an inability to fall asleep. For others insomnia looks different. They fall asleep just fine, but then wake up after a few hours and cannot get back to sleep.
5. Irritability. This is not always a symptom in adult depression, but is present in nearly every depressed teenager. Please note, teens are often irritable, so irritability on its own is probably not depression.
6. Crying often. If your adolescent cries easily, and sometimes cannot even articulate why, it could be due to depression.
7. Flattened affect. Your affect is your emotional expressiveness. If your teen is usually fairly expressive, but now seems quite a bit less so, it can be a sign of depressed mood. When we think of affect, we’re usually talking about intonation and facial expression.
8. Suicidal thoughts. In most cases of depression, suicidal thoughts are part of the picture. A person can feel pretty hopeless when they’re depressed. Without hope it can be hard to find reasons to live. If you’re teenager is expressing suicidal thoughts, they need immediate help.
9. Self-harm. Some depressed teens cut themselves. They say it is a method to control when they feel their pain, how deeply they feel it, and who can know it. This is also a serious symptom that needs immediate evaluation by a professional.
10. Anxiety. Anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. Does your teen worry excessively? They might have a mixture of depression and anxiety.
One thing that’s really important to understand is you can’t read a blog post like this and diagnose your teen with depression. Depression can be a combination of these symptoms, or all of these symptoms. However, these symptoms can signify other problems too. While this post is helpful for educating yourself on what might be going on, please take your teenager in for an evaluation with their doctor, a therapist, or a psychiatrist if you suspect depression.
I know it’s really hard on the whole family when a teen feels depressed. As parents it’s difficult not to think somehow it’s your fault. You may have tried everything you can think of to snap your child out of their “bad moods.” Try to keep in mind this isn’t your fault, and also that your teenager isn’t trying to do this just to be ornery. Hang in there, be gentle and loving, and get help if needed.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Aug 8, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Anger is common between teens and parents.
Photo courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
Parents, you have so much to do with how your teenager handles their anger. Here are 5 things to think about with how you model anger for your teen:
1. Anger is not bad; mismanaged anger is bad. People tend to believe one should not feel or show anger at all, and that it is best to be calm all the time. That really isn’t true. Anger is sometimes justified. Anger is meant to help us move to action when a wrong is committed. When our move to action causes us to behave violently, belligerently, or rudely, is when it’s a problem.
2. We teach our children about anger. Our children learn about how to display and how to cope with anger from our example. If we yell and scream at the slightest provocation, they will quite possibly do the same. If we withdraw every time we feel mad, they learn to behave like that. If we take some deep breaths, slow everything down, and then think carefully, they will learn from that example.
3. Ask questions. When your teenager is angry, try to ask very gentle questions. If they realize you’re willing to listen to what they really need to say they will calm down. You might not give in, and you’re not obligated to. However, hearing them out for quite some time before you respond is really important.
4. Recognize when anger is justified. Be aware of when you’re angry because you were truly wronged versus when you feel offended without enough information. Managing anger is all about patience. If you are able to show your teenager that you can wait for all the pieces of the puzzle before you get heated, you’ll teach them the same. Here’s an example: Your boss gives someone else the project you’ve always expressed wanting to work on. You could get angry and feel personally offended. The other option is to ask why that happened. You just might discover that your boss has something even better in the pipeline for you.
5. Clarify. When it comes to your own family it’s rare they are trying to truly sabotage you. Get clarification on things you don’t understand. Oftentimes things are not how they look. If you see your spouse sitting around when you think they should be helping around the house, ask before you criticize. You will teach your teen the be the same way. That way they won’t accuse you of doing nothing all day while they’re at school, or some other such nonsense.
Anger is a tough emotion. I get a lot of calls from worried parents that their teenager needs counseling to deal with their anger. Sometimes these teens truly are angry, but it doesn’t come from nowhere. It’s not to say it’s all mom and dad’s fault. That is never the case. However, when we collaborate together mom and dad see how to help lead their teen to more constructive ways of dealing with this challenging emotion.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 22, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Choosing to admit a mistake can be really difficult.
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I know when I make a mistake it can be hard to admit I’m wrong. I’m not just talking about in relationships, but in life too. How many times have I started to do something stupid, realized it was stupid, and then felt I had to try and cover it up? Rather than cover it up I’d be wise to admit I’ve done wrong and accept the consequences. Continuing in the mistake only leads to much greater consequences when it all unravels later.
Why am I blogging about this today? Because I woke up this morning and realized I’d done something I shouldn’t have. The mistake was made (mostly) by accident. I say “mostly” because as I was doing the wrong thing something nagged at me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it so I ignored the feeling. Several days passed by. Then this morning it hit my like a ton of bricks. I’m sure you’d love to know what the error was, but never you mind that. I’m going to keep that one to myself (and the people I had to apologize to).
I was faced with three choices this morning. Choice #1: Ignore the whole problem and hope it goes away on its own. Choice #2: Try to cover up for my mistake by getting people to act differently. Choice #3: Call the people I made the mistake with and tell them. From there do the best I can not to let my error cause them (or me) problems. Choice #3 is the right decision to make, but is the toughest in some ways. It feels shameful to tell people you’ve messed up on something when you should have known better. It’s just plain embarrassing. It also doesn’t feel good to face consequences when they might just go away on their own accord.
As though I were walking through mud, I made up my mind to do the right thing. I forced myself to call the people involved and admit my stupidity. They were really nice about it. I still may have consequences, but hopefully not.
I know you face these types of scenarios all the time. Maybe a friend asked you to keep their alcohol bottle in your backpack, and now it’s hidden in your room. You are faced with keeping it hidden and hoping nobody else finds it, trying to get it back to your friend before you’re caught with it, or just telling your parents you have someone else’s alcohol and you shouldn’t have done that in the first place. The third choice will go much, much better for you than if your parents find it on their own. Or, what if your younger sibling finds it and becomes dangerously drunk because he or she doesn’t know better. That’d be your own fault. What if you try to give it back to a friend, but are caught with it in the process and get into trouble with the law? You’ve made the mistake of holding it for someone in the first place, but right yourself before something worse happens.
If you can get into the habit of admitting errors before they blow up into something big, you’ll actually save yourself a lot of trouble. People will find you more trustworthy too; they’ll know you’re not guilty of something when you say you didn’t do it because you admit you did do it when you’re guilty.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 14, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Sexual abuse in dating relationships is often kept a secret.
Credit: Jeanne Claire Maarbes via freedigitalphotos.net
If you want to read about emotional abuse or physical abuse, read these previous posts.
Sexual abuse is any form of sexual activity that is unwanted and/or exploits the victim. This happens in teenage dating relationships from time to time.
The most common way I hear about teens being sexually abused in their dating relationships happens with teen couples who are already sexually active. One partner does not feel like having sex and says so. With a mixture of guilt, manipulation and a little bit of coercion, the couple ends up having sex. The problem is, the reluctant partner didn’t really consent. They don’t think of themselves as having been assaulted because it is their boyfriend or girlfriend, but unwanted sexual activity is never okay.
I have been counseling teenagers in private practice for 8 years. In all that time I have never had a teen make an initial appointment because of the above scenario. However, I have had many clients who end up spending a good portion of their therapy on the above situation once they recognize it’s a problem. In the first place they just thought they were unhappy and couldn’t really pinpoint the reason. Eventually they realize they are sexually active with someone and don’t want to be. I need to clarify here that this is not necessarily rape. In almost every case the teen gives consent to have sex, but secretly doesn’t want to be. They don’t feel ready, but are afraid to lose their boyfriend or girlfriend if they ask to stop being sexually active.
Another way sexual abuse occurs is through your teenager’s cell phone. Sadly it’s normal behavior for teenagers to ask each other to send nude pictures through text or an app. It is normally the boys asking the girls, but it does go both directions. Unwanted pressure to send nude selfies is truly awful. Check in with your teen to see if they’ve been asked, and find out what they did about it. If nobody has asked them, I guarantee they know someone who has been pressured. The abuse comes in when the image is distributed. If the recipient of the image shows a friend or two, or texts it to someone else, that’s a major violation of privacy. If the teens are minors it’s actually distribution of child pornography. There have been rumors of teens getting arrested for this behavior.
Dating is a normal part of the teenage experience. It helps them mature, and they can have a lot of fun with it. As a parent there is a lot to keep tabs on. There is a lot to warn your child about. There are a lot of conversations you need to have. Help them if they are being abused in any way. Help them feel safe to talk about it, and empower them to do something about it. Please call if you need additional support in helping your teenager through this very heartbreaking situation.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 7, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Teens who are in relationships who suddenly appear depressed could be dealing with abuse. Credit: stockimages via freedigitalphotos.net
Part I of this series of posts was on teens who deal with emotionally abusive boyfriends or girlfriends.
Physical abuse does occur in adolescent dating relationships. I wish this weren’t true, but unfortunately it happens.
It often begins with your teenager becoming isolated from his or her friends. While your adolescent used to be very social, now they spend all their time with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Then you might notice your teen seems upset and withdrawn often. They’ve lost that energy and spark they used to have. You start to wonder what is going on.
Your teen might have had a very great relationship at first. Or, at least it seemed that way to them. Relationships that end up abusive are often very intense at first. There is a lot of flattery, and things move fast. Their boyfriend or girlfriend starts talking about going to the same college, and maybe even getting married at some point. The relationship seems really serious considering their age.
Then the arguments start. One person has trouble controlling their emotions, and so reverts to yelling and cursing. Your daughter might be called things that would make you want to grab your shotgun. Your son might be called names that would make you completely livid. Eventually the fights escalate to the point where one partner lays hands on the other. It probably isn’t anything too violent the first time. Maybe a slight push, a tight squeeze of an arm, or a slap. Then there is shock, followed by profuse apology. For even up to a week or two the abuser is on best behavior. The abuser calls, texts, compliments, buys gifts, and has promised to change. Your teenager believes they are reformed.
Then the abuser starts to be edgy again. They blame it on school stress, difficulties with parents, or anything else that seems like a valid excuse for their inability to respond appropriately to situations. Meanwhile your adolescent is tentative. Your child walks on eggshells and just tries to keep their boy or girlfriend happy. They think the wavering moods are partially their own fault. This builds until there is another explosion. Then the apologies and honeymoon stage begin. And so the cycle perpetuates.
With the clients I’ve worked with who have been in physically abusive relationships, they say the emotional abuse is almost just as hurtful. They say the two are always paired. These are usually adolescents who are otherwise happy and engaged in their lives. They are typically not the kids you’d ever think would end up in such a relationship. They also don’t tend to be initially forthcoming about the abuse because of shame, and to protect the abuser. They often request counseling because they feel “depressed and anxious.”
If you’ve noticed a pretty dramatic change in your adolescent’s happiness and they are in a dating relationship, it’s worth a discussion. Physical abuse is one possibility of many. However, it’s important to ask. Your child very likely does need to see a therapist if they have been in a physically abusive relationship. There is probably a lot of residual emotional pain. There is also always the concern of the relationship resuming.
The third type of abuse I want to make sure I address is sexual abuse. I will tackle this topic in the next blog post.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 7, 2016 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Emotional abuse in dating relationships is very hard for adolescents.
Image courtesy of FrameAngel at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Unfortunately, abusive dating relationships occur. This is even true with teenagers. When we talk about abuse, we typically think of three types: emotional, physical and sexual. While this is definitely an uncomfortable topic, it is one I see in my office with my teenage clients at least once per month. Considering I limit my caseload to 15 clients per week, that’s astoundingly common.
In today’s post I will comment on emotional abuse in teen dating relationships. I will cover physical and sexual abuse in the next two blog posts.
Emotional abuse is the most common form discussed by my clients. This happens when a client has a boyfriend or girlfriend who says and does things to manipulate a certain outcome. I have had several clients who try to break up with someone only to receive a text or phone call that their new ex plans to commit suicide. Now my client feels responsible and is put in a place of deep distress. My client then doesn’t know what to do, and starts to talk with the ex again. They might end up afraid to break it off because the significant other is constantly telling them, “I cannot go on without you.” Imagine your teenager trying to deal with this type of pressure; it is sickening. As a counselor I feel righteous anger (although I don’t express it unless it is therapeutically beneficial to the teen) when one of my clients is being manipulated this way. I do tell my teenage client what emotional abuse is, and we work at setting appropriate boundaries. This has gone as far as helping a couple of clients consider filing temporary restraining orders for harassment.
Emotional abuse can also take the form of constant berating. If your teen is in a relationship where they’ve become isolated from all their friends, it’s cause for concern. As time passes the relationship often sours in these conditions. Your teenager becomes lonely and wholly dependent on their boyfriend or girlfriend. Then their significant other starts to just not call, or becomes mean. They call your child names sometimes. They text your child mean things. Your adolescent no longer has the self-esteem to just cut off the relationship. Or, they might try to end it and then the significant other promises all kinds of wonderful changes; your teenager believes them and stays in the relationship.
Parents, I’m sorry to tell you that emotional abuse doesn’t stop there. It can look like your teenager getting involved with someone who seems really great at first. Eventually they get involved with drugs or alcohol. Your child never had any interest in this. Because your teen is naive, they lie for them, give money to them, and sometimes will even drink or use drugs just to be with them. It’s nauseating to watch your child whom you’ve always been close with be pulled from you by someone you’ve grown to detest; it seems like they’re stealing your child’s very soul. I know that sounds dramatic, but if you talked with some of the parents I’ve sat with, you’d think it was a most apt description.
The final way I’ve seen my teen counseling clients become emotionally abused in a relationship is financial. I’ve seen the relationship get out of balance to where your teen feels like they have to constantly impress their significant other to keep them around. They start to spend money. They will take this so far that they will spend everything they have. Maybe you’ve always been careful to teach them good saving habits, and as a result they have built up a nice savings account. Suddenly they’re buying Disney passes, going on ski trips, and investing in hobbies that seem like they’re out of left field. What’s worse is that they are paying for their girlfriend or boyfriend too. Here’s how far I’ve seen this go: One young girl got a boyfriend whose single mother did not choose to work (but was perfectly capable of doing so). After a few months the young girl never had the car her parents had bought her because she was constantly lending it to “his poor mom.”
I know this is scary stuff. If you’re in the position where some of what you’re reading rings true, give me a call. I’m happy to talk with you about your situation. Maybe we’ll decide counseling is a good idea, and maybe not. Either way you need support as you help extricate your teen from their toxic, emotionally abusive relationship.
I will write about physical abuse in the next post, and sexual abuse in the following one.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
