by Lauren Goodman | Oct 3, 2016 | Parenting Techniques
When to disciple and when to show grace
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One of the absolutely toughest quandaries we face as parents is how to most effectively help our children grow into functional adults. The reason this is so challenging is that we are constantly walking what feels like a very narrow line on when to be firm and when to be kind.
Here’s a scenario that elicits two very different responses from parents. The differing answers are dependent upon both your and your teenager’s personalities. What do you do if your teenager calls you from a party and sounds as though he has been drinking?
Possibility #1: You pick up your teenager and you tell him you’re incredibly proud of him for calling you. You say you’re thankful he didn’t get a ride home with someone else who had been drinking. You commend him for being responsible enough to let you know he needed a bit of help. You feel grateful that even though he made the mistake of drinking in the first place, he was humble enough to ask for help instead of making another mistake in an attempt not to be caught for the first mistake.
Possibility #2: You feel irate and betrayed that your son could go out drinking. You tell him because he has violated your trust you’ll be making yourself privy to his text communication with friends for the foreseeable future so that he doesn’t wind up in such a situation again. You tell him he’s grounded because he definitely knows better than to go to a house where there are no parents and then get drunk.
One response is soft and full of grace. The other response is firm. Neither response is wrong. There is a time when it is appropriate to show grace and there is a time when it is appropriate to discipline.
If we’re all softness and grace all the time then our kids miss out on something really important in their development. They don’t learn to take correction, they don’t learn limits, and they don’t learn the value of obedience. These are skills that are absolutely essential to your teenager’s future ability to function in the workplace. If you work in any situation other than self-employment you have to take direction, correction and criticism well. You have to intuitively pick up on limits set by the culture of the company. You have to be obedient to your superiors. You will certainly have times where you speak up if something is wrong, but for the most part you do what you’re told. These skills are learned from discipline given to your young children and then teenagers.
On the other hand, if you are nothing but firmness and discipline, your adolescent children miss out on something else very important to their growth. Your kids cannot function effectively in interpersonal relationships. They will be black and white. They won’t know when to teach someone and come alongside them versus when to draw a line. They won’t know how to forgive themselves. And, possibly worst of all, if they sense someone will disapprove of an action they are about to commit, they’ll just sneak. In fact, if you’re nothing but discipline, then your teenager is sneaking right now. That’s a promise.
Walking that very fine line between grace and firmness was modeled better by Jesus Christ than anyone the world has ever known. Do you know what he used to make the determination of when to use which? He examined the hardness of people’s hearts. If their hearts demonstrated a genuine sorrow for their sin, then he was all softness and grace. If their sorrow for their sin was only on the outside but their was no inner remorse, Jesus was firm and convicting. In essence, Jesus Christ showed unprecedented levels of emotional intelligence when dealing with people.
Now, neither you nor I will achieve Christ-like levels of perfection in raising our kids. However, we can certainly do our best to examine their hearts. Remember, discipline for the heard heart, or for the heart that continues to repeat the same mistake, but softness and second chances for the truly repentant and sorry heart.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Sep 22, 2016 | Parenting Techniques
Listening to your teen requires your deciding to really listen.
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Are you listening to your teenager? I mean really, really listening? Do you set everything down, look them in the eyes and try to understand what they’re telling you?
Therapy does many things for a teenager. One of the benefits is something so simple that you can do it yourself if you will decide to do so.
When a teenager comes in here to work with me on something that is bothering them, they are completely assured I am listening. I don’t have my phone out. I don’t have my computer open. I’m not cleaning. I’m not cooking. There is no music playing. I’m not sitting in the other room. The TV isn’t on. I’m not staring out the window. I’m not examining my fingernails or picking at my clothes. I am sitting 4-5 feet from them, looking at their face, mirroring their body language and REALLY listening. I am reflecting back to them a sound or a word here and there that says, “I hear you.” I say, “Tell me more.” I say, “No way!” I say, “That must have sucked!” I match their emotional tone with mine. I exaggerate emotional tone when it’s right to do so. If they tell a sad story but appear indifferent, I show the sadness. This is how they know I’m listening.
We do many, many other things in counseling that help an adolescent grow and survive life’s tough stuff. These are not things you would naturally know to do. These are things I have spent years practicing, read thousands of pages to learn, spent hundreds of hours in supervision with someone more experienced than me, and watched countless hours of video tape of myself doing therapy with clients. These are skills that have taken immense practice just as you have seasoned your own professional abilities with tons of experience and learning.
What you can do without all that training is listen well. Taking the time to do that gives them an amazing amount of dignity. Listening does not mean passing judgment on what they’re saying. I too have opinions about what they’re sharing. However, knowing when you have earned the right to share those opinions is the art of tact. Be tactful with your teenager. You don’t get a free pass on this just because you’re the parent. You do have a huge advantage over the rest of the world though. Your advantage is that your adolescent wants to have YOU truly listen to him or her. They might not come out and tell you this, but to have their parent hear them is in the heart of every teen who has ever sat across from me.
Mom or Dad, whichever of you is reading this, please take the time to listen to your kid. You will show them how much you care. Set your stuff down. Leave your to do list somewhere else. Let go of your need to talk. Don’t be a half-listener who is planning what to say at the slightest gap in conversation while your teen is talking. That’s bad listening. Just sit and absorb what they have to say.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Sep 12, 2016 | Parenting Techniques
The college decision isn’t the most important of your teen’s life.
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I have some thoughts on the college process that have come from years of working with teens. I have watched, supported and counseled many teens for various reasons while they are simultaneously applying for universities during their senior year of high school, or after their sophomore year at junior college. The process is so stressful, and comes with an incredible amount of pressure. They come to therapy to get help coping with extreme stress.
Once Spring Semester rolls around I have had the privilege of walking alongside them as they are accepted to schools. I have helped teens feel dignity in attending their back-up school when they were not accepted to their dream school. I have counseled countless adolescents through fears and anxieties about separating from their families as they go off to school.
The main thing I want to stress to you parents is that senior year is tumultuous. It is supposed to be a fun culmination to 13 years of hard work through elementary, middle and high school. Instead it ends up feeling like it’s the make or break point of their entire life.
With that introduction providing context, here are my thoughts on the college process:
1. Your value as a human is not defined by the name of your university. Your value as a human is defined by God, family, your character, and your ability to realize your dreams. There is an intense overfocus on the status of a school. Does anyone really stop and ask whether the quality of the education varies that much between one school and the next? It has more to do with individual professors, and it has to do with how involved your child chooses to become.
2. Cost IS a factor. You are in no way a bad parent if you have the cost of a school as one of the main deciding factors in where you allow your child to attend school. If anything, taking out massive amounts of loans and/or paying an extra $25,000 per year just because your EIGHTEEN year old thinks they will be happier out of state or at a private school teaches your child a dangerous lesson of entitlement. On the other hand, if you restrict their options based on cost, you teach them that making smart choices with money helps them get ahead. You also teach them the difference between a want and a need.
3. There is no shame in junior college. I started at a top notch school. I did well academically but I really struggled with the transition socially. I came home for a year and went to junior college. Then I transferred to a four year school. I still finished my bachelor’s degree at age 20 (in 3 years instead of 4). I will honestly tell you that two of the three best classes I ever took during my undergraduate education were in the junior college. There are some incredible educators at that level. Oftentimes they choose to work in that environment because they just want to teach, they don’t want to do research. Also, my classes never had more than 30. At the university many of my classes had between 50 and 250 students in them.
4. College is not a vacation. So often our teens visit a certain campus, like it, and then decide that is THE place they need to attend school. Realistically though what the campus looks like has very little to do with how much it will help your teenager in his or her chosen profession. Once you and your teenager carefully analyze the marketplace, choose a degree that is in demand, which also peaks their interest (They may love musical theater, but there isn’t a demand for musical theater majors). Make a school choice based on this.
The reason I write all this to you is that I watch adolescents and parents become completely overwhelmed, stressed and nearly crazy over the college decision. If you’re methodical you can help your teen feel a lot less stress. You will all make smart choices. You get the chance to teach your teenager about delayed gratification, planning, finances, and increasing independence. If you do this the wrong way you might just help them accidentally learn that prestige is more important than being sensible, and also increase their sense of entitlement.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 25, 2016 | Parenting Techniques
Parenting after a divorce is a huge challenge.
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Parenting in a divorced families is really difficult. Here are 8 tips to help alleviate the stress:
- You are responsible for your house. It’s great if you and your ex-spouse can both agree on the same methods of parenting. However, there’s a strong chance you don’t. If you have a different parenting philosophy, don’t concern yourself with what happens at the other house. Just take care of things at your house the best way you know how.
- Speak kindly about all the adults. If your ex-spouse married the Wicked Witch of the West, it’s your job to model respect to her for your children. You will make things infinitely easier on your kids if you do not speak poorly of any of the adults in their life. Who your ex brings around the house isn’t your kids’ choice. Help them make the best of their situation.
- Don’t feel guilty. A lot of times the parent who has more money is made to feel guilty for not buying the extras. Just stick to what was originally agreed upon. No matter what your ex says about you to the kids, remind them there is an agreement in place and you are adhering to it. Tell them it keeps things from being confusing. Don’t worry about what your ex is saying.
- Don’t give up your time with your kids to keep the peace. Even if your kids don’t want to see you, be very firm about spending all your allotted time with them. Trust me, after years of doing counseling with teens, I promise you they feel rejected if you don’t pursue them. They may reject you, but they still want you to want them.
- Don’t force them to love your new family. Yes, they need to be polite and courteous to your new husband or wife. However, they do not have to love that person. Your teenager already has parents. Don’t force your dream of one big, happy, blended family on your children. They probably aren’t going to buy it. In fact, they may resent you for this.
- Keep special time for just you and them. Your child already got the time they see you cut in half. When they do have time with you, make it count. Be sure that sometimes it’s just you and them.
- Model good morals. I know you’re now free to make your own choices. This doesn’t mean your teenager is ready to see you making these choices. When you were married (hopefully) they didn’t see you bring different people home to sleep with, get drunk, or stay out until 2 a.m. They aren’t ready to see this now either.
- Remember this is hard for your kids. Even if they tell you they’re “fine,” and the divorce is good “because it makes you happy,” it’s hard for them. Just keep in mind that they didn’t ask for this. Sometimes they need extra grace and empathy.
Family life isn’t perfect. It can be challenging, joyful, heart-breaking, and fun all in the same day. Be patient, kind, consistent, affectionate and loving. Work at releasing your bitterness so your children don’t become bitter too. Having teens in a divorce situation can be very difficult, but never quit trying.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 19, 2016 | Parenting Techniques
Some teens get along really well with their parents, especially if their parents accept their friends.
Photo courtesy of Marin and freedigitalphotos.net.
It’s so important to connect with your teen’s friends. If you want to know what is going on with your child, take some time to listen to their friends. Their friends will talk if you aren’t judgmental. If you just hang around, and especially if you feed them, they will talk with you. Most teens are dying for an adult to listen to them and approve of what they’re doing well.
It will be tempting to feel responsible for your teenager’s friends. However, you aren’t. They have their own parents who are responsible to help them make all the right choices. You can guide them and advise them, but know your role. Being friends with them doesn’t mean you have to be their parent.
This does wonders for your relationship with your own child. If your teenage son or daughter sees you making an effort with the people they consider extremely important in their own life (i.e. their friends), your child will feel accepted by you.
I have been doing therapy with teens for almost a decade now. I have noticed very consistently the parents who are welcoming and open with their teenager’s friends have strong relationships with their teens. These parents also help their children learn from friends’ mistakes. These parents tend to know when their child’s friends do something they shouldn’t. They are able to guide their own teen without condemning the friends.
Here’s an example of why you don’t want to close off your teen’s friends. One boy I once worked with had friends who smoked marijuana sometimes. His mom was adamantly against this. She was very critical of the friends who used it. What happened as a result? The boy lied to his mom about their activities, and sometimes lied about who he was with. Eventually he ended up trying it too. In the long run he became a very consistent user. He started therapy at that point. Through a combination of methods used to help people quit an addiction, and working with his mom to accept the friends while not condoning some of their choices, two things changed. First of all her son quit smoking. Secondly, he started to tell her the truth again. He was allowed to have his friends over and she just sat and talked with them. They came to like her and began to hang around his house a lot. She maintained rules for her house and all her son’s friends respected those rules. She made sure they could always eat as much as they wanted, which guaranteed they’d spend more time there. Once her son’s friends were welcomed in her home, her son wanted to be home more. When he was home he was never in trouble. A relationship with her son’s friends was the key to a relationship with her son.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 12, 2016 | Parenting Techniques
Adolescents don’t always know how to express themselves well, so they might act out.
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Teens act out because they are upset about something, and don’t have the maturity to express their feelings. A lot of times they aren’t really even aware of their feelings. Something has disturbed their equilibrium and it has caused them to reach for comfort in unhealthy ways.
When I was seventeen I acted out. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was upset because my parents were moving to a new city as I was leaving for college. I had told them it didn’t matter since I wouldn’t be living with them anymore. I really believed this. I figured I could just come back to my hometown and stay with another friend. Meanwhile I was very, very disrespectful to my parents. I thought they were unreasonable people and were too strict. I would have told you then that my behavior was because of my curfew, chores expected of me, etc. I can tell you now with absolute certainty I was acting out because of the ensuing changes.
If your teenager is acting out, try to think about what has changed. To begin with, let’s clarify what it means to “act out.” Acting out is when your normally docile, respectful adolescent suddenly has some delinquent behaviors. It seems out of left field and it seems to have happened very suddenly. If your teen slowly starts smoking marijuana and over the course of a few months it escalates to every day, this isn’t acting out; this is a budding addiction. Acting out is if your teenager never smokes pot and suddenly smokes it every day for a week. In either case, therapy is warranted. However, the causes and treatment plans for both situations are very different.
For the acting out teen, what are they reacting to? Did a boyfriend or girlfriend just break up with them? Did you just tell them you’re getting a divorce? Did you tell them money is tight when it never has been before? Is grandma coming to live with you? What change is going on for them? While it might not seem like anything big to you, it might seem like a huge adjustment for your teenager.
How is therapy done with a teen who is acting out? The first step is to immediately stop your teenager from continuing unsafe behavior. Once your teen is safe, then the emotional work begins. It is important for your adolescent use the counseling process to recognize their behavior is a reaction to something. We then work together to help your teen adjust appropriately to what is different in his or her life. For the most part the acting out stops as your adolescent becomes more comfortable with the changes.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
