by Lauren Goodman | Jun 27, 2023 | Teen Addiction
Disciplining teenagers doesn’t have to be a fight
Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Disciplining Teens Effectively
Teen phone addiction is a growing problem, and it sometimes requires consequences to break the cycle. When your kids are little giving consequences is easy. You sit them in time-out for a few minutes if they misbehave. If your kids are throwing a temper tantrum you completely ignore them until it stops and they ask nicely. When they misuse a toy you take it from them. As they get older it gets harder. However, a lot of parents try and use the same techniques (albeit modified) with teenagers for teen phone addiction, ditching school, and talking back (among other behaviors) that they used with small children.
This is what I mean. A teenager violates a rule such as ditching school. You put them in “teenager time-out,” which means you ground them. Your teen “throws a temper tantrum,” which means they are talking back to you and possibly even screaming obscenities. You ignore them or argue back. Your cell phone addicted adolescent sneaks the phone at night, or in other words, “misuses a toy.” You take it from them. Some of these techniques work for certain kids, but for others, these types of consequences seem ineffective.
When Teens Ditch Class
How do you give consequences to a teenager? Your teenager is nearing adulthood. They need to feel the pain of adult consequences while you’re still there to guide them through it. When your teenager ditches school and the school calls to ask where your child is, it’s better not to bail them out by telling the school your kid came home sick, with the idea that you will handle the punishment. It’s usually better for your teen’s character development to tell the school that you don’t know where your child is, and you assume they must have cut class. You then ask the school to levy an appropriate consequence such as Saturday school. When your teenager comes home you very calmly tell them you received a call from the school today. You tell your teen it will be a bummer to serve Saturday school. If they ask you to help them move the Saturday school because they have work or a big game, etc., you just say calmly, “Well you felt old enough to decide whether or not you should attend class, so I guess that means you’re old enough to figure it out now. Good luck with that.” Don’t be sarcastic when you say this. Tell them also, “I have plans Saturday morning by the way, so I won’t be able to get you to the Saturday school. You’ll have to figure that out too.” Then you don’t discuss it or bring it up again. In fact, you act like you don’t really care. They might ask you, “Are you mad at me?” You respond, “I was at first, but then I figured that it’s your problem to solve.”
Why Grounding Your Teen Doesn’t Always Work
Do you see how much more effective this is than grounding your teenager? You refuse to take on their problems. Also, if you ground your teen then you have to enforce it. That makes you the bad guy when you refuse to let them attend their Saturday soccer game, or it makes you appear weak if you do let them attend. It also means they think of how “unfair” you are when they are grounded instead of the mistake they made; they don’t learn as much.
How to Deal with Teen Backtalk
Now for scenario number two, when your teenager is being disrespectful in the way they talk to you. If you don’t win the argument, you’ve lost. Even a stalemate means you’ve lost. How do you avoid this problem? Don’t argue. At all costs, avoid engaging in an argument. Keep repeating, “I’m not going to argue with you right now,” in a calm tone. You can also say, “We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” That gives you time to think and your child time to reassess their position and approach. Finally, if your teenager keeps at you, ask them, “What did I say?” Stay calm and avoid the argument, but don’t completely ignore them. Another thing you can say sometimes is, “I see what you’re saying. Let me think about that and get back to you in a few hours.” Just remember that nothing is ever on fire. Most of the time your adolescent thinks it is because adolescents are an impatient group, but it’s not. Do not let their urgency force you to respond faster than you can think through something. Buy yourself some time.
An Idea for Excessive Teen Phone Use
Scenario number three is when you’re dealing with teen cell phone addiction. Your first temptation is to take their phone away. This actually creates problems for you in staying connected with them. It is better if you get the cell bill, highlight their cost, and set it on the kitchen table. When your teenager comes into the kitchen, ask them to take a look at the cell phone bill. Tell them calmly, “It looks like you have violated our request to moderate your cell phone usage, so you will need to pay for the phone on your own this month. We pay the bill on Friday, so by Thursday you need to come up with a plan for how you will get me that money.” Then go back to what you were doing and let them solve the problem. They will likely argue with you or say, “I don’t have that kind of money.” Let them know you are here to help them find a solution if they’d like your help.
The most important thing to take away from this is that you are letting them have most of the say in how they resolve the problem. If you come at your teen and angrily say, “You have screen addiction, so now you’re going to mow the lawn for the next ten weeks!” what have you taught them? They will mow the lawn and think about how you are unreasonable. If THEY come to you and suggest they will mow the lawn until they’ve worked it off, every time they mow the lawn they will think about how they watched too much Youtube. You avoid being the bad guy, and your teenager learns a valuable lesson!
Love and Logic- A Helpful Resource
For more great ideas on how to effectively, and calmly discipline a teenager, read https://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/preparing-kids-for-the-teen-world. It’s a wonderful, easily digestible resource for better parenting. We all know the “screenagers” of today need a lot of help with teen phone addiction, disrespectful talk to parents, and a million other things. As a parent, I greatly empathize with you in trying to parent today. There are many, many challenges. We are each doing our best because we love our teenagers. Sometimes setting things up a little differently makes discipline a lot more effective.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 16, 2021 | Teen Addiction
Teens who sneak are often unhappy about the mistrust their parents have for them.
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
What do you do if you’re one of the unlucky parents who has a sneaky teen? You put very clear rules in place, but your teenager continues to do the wrong thing? A lot of the time you’d even say yes if they’d simply ask, but they sneak anyhow. This is incredibly frustrating for a parent. It’s not that you want to control your teenager- you don’t. You just want a trusting relationship between the two of you. You want them to trust that you will say yes when it’s appropriate, and you want to trust they are doing what they tell you they’re doing.
The first thing you need to ask yourself is why they are sneaking. You may or may not be able to answer this question. If you believe they are sneaking because they are using drugs, having sex, or doing something otherwise dangerous they know you’d put a stop to, address this immediately. For those of you that are pretty certain your adolescent isn’t doing anything dangerous, but is sneaking for some other reason, read on.
Perhaps one reason your teenager is sneaking is because you say no too often. They feel confident you won’t give them any space if they ask for it. They think the only way to have a little room to explore who they are is to go without permission. I once worked with a teen boy who kept saying, “It’s easier to get forgiveness than ask permission.” In his case, he was right. He learned this very quickly and realized it was the only way he was ever going to date, try going to a party, or even get into minor mischief like toilet papering a friend’s house.
Another reason an adolescent could be sneaking is they are engaging in certain activities you wouldn’t approve of. One way that many, many teenagers sneak is with their phones. A lot of teens have smart phones now, and a great number of them download apps you would not like if you only knew they were there. They know you’d make them take the apps off, and they don’t want to.
Whatever the reason(s) your teenager is being sneaky, here are a few ideas you can try to minimize this behavior. The first thing to try is a heartfelt heart to heart chat. This isn’t the situation where you punish them or get angry with them for what they’ve been doing. Instead you talk about how it hurts you not to feel like you can trust your own child. You ask them how they’ve been feeling when you keep getting frustrated with them as you catch them in their lies. You and the teenager put your heads together to come up with a plan that will change this.
If this doesn’t work, you may have to try a less collaborative approach. Warn your teenager this is coming if they don’t start being much, much more honest. Then, outline very clear consequences that will occur if they are caught lying/sneaking. Do this with a lot of love. You don’t need to yell or even have a stern voice. The only thing that is very important is you follow through on whatever consequence you’ve promised to give. Be extremely consistent. Reward them for honesty too.
Your final option is to make their world really small so it’s hard to sneak anything. However, if you do this take care to make sure they don’t start resenting you. You want all consequences you administer to children to make them think about how their action caused this result. You don’t want them thinking, “My parents are such unfair jerks.” They won’t learn anything that way.
Sneakiness is a really challenging character struggle to contend with and correct. You are not alone in your aggravation. Any parent who has dealt with a sneaky teenager feels angry, sometimes scared, and occasionally hopeless. Just try your best to work on what you need to work on, keep loving them well, and be patient as you help them course correct.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jan 9, 2020 | Teen Addiction
Making new, sober friends after rehab is essential.
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Leaving rehab is usually a celebratory time. People discharge rehab feeling very strong and certain they will not relapse on drugs. They have gone over and over what they need to do in order to stay sober. Any good rehab will warn its clients how easy it is to lapse back into the old lifestyle. Plans are set, barriers against using drugs or alcohol are put in place, and the person goes home.
Now what?
Here are some tips for staying sober:
1. Get plugged in. Find a recovery group that has strong, consistent members. Teenagers often feel awkward about walking into new situations. However, this is truly life or death and it is worth overcoming the embarrassment. Alcoholics Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery are two types of groups that can be very helpful. There is a Celebrate Recovery just for teenagers called The Landing.
2. Find a new hobby. Old habits and activities remind teens of when they used to use drugs or alcohol. New hobbies don’t have the old associations. If you used to get stoned and then listen to loud music, it’s time to hike instead. If these are hobbies where a social group can be joined, even better.
3. Recognize that it is easy to stay sober around sober people. Your teenager no longer has a physical need for their drug because they overcame that in rehab. There will be a psychological attraction to the drug for a long time after the physical need has disappeared. Teenagers who come home and immediately get involved with wholesome kids have a much lower rate of relapse. On the contrary, teens who come home and see old friends have a high rate of relapse.
4. Be honest. Parents, you need to allow your teenagers to tell you if they are having cravings. They need to be able to tell you without you getting really upset. If they can come to you, then you can help them through it. Discuss your plan for this ahead of time. Agree that if they are having a craving you will take them down to the beach and just walk with them, or something like that.
5. Do not assume you are immune to relapse. Teenagers comes out of rehab overconfident. This means they call old friends and sit to the side while friends use. Before long they just take a drag on a cigarette. Then it’s, “I just used pot once. That’s not really a serious drug though.” Quickly they are all the way back into it whatever they went to rehab for in the first place.
Following these 5 tips will really help your teenager keep their sobriety after rehab. It is a challenging thing to do. With the right attitude and focus though, it’s entirely achievable. Probably the most important two tips on this list are the ones discussing social groups. Teenagers are heavily, heavily influenced by peers. Being around clean and sober people makes recovery much easier.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 27, 2019 | Teen Addiction
Sexual addiction affects adults and teens alike.
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More and more teens are engaging in pornography use. The majority of the use seems to be on their phones. Adolescents are very private about their cell phones. It is harder for parents to monitor what they search than when there was a family computer.
According to Covenant Eyes, a company that sells a way to block certain web content from either accidentally coming up, or from coming up as the result of a search, the statistics are unsettling. For teens, a 2010 national study indicated that about 25% of teenagers have viewed nudity online by accident. Over 1/4 of 17 year olds have received a “sext” at some point. 9 out of 10 teenage boys have been exposed to pornography by time they reach college. The same is true in almost 6 out of 10 teen girls.
Recently in my private practice I have been receiving desperate calls from parents whose teen children are addicted to internet porn. The parents feel helpless and frustrated. For starters, there is more shame in admitting you need help to stop a sexual addiction than even a drug addiction. It seems easier for a parent to call me and say their teenager is addicted to marijuana, alcohol, or even methamphetamine than to online pornography.
If your child is struggling with this, or you are struggling with this, the first thing to do is set aside your shame. Shame makes us hide. We feel mortified about something we are doing, or some part of who we are. When we feel ashamed of something, it is very difficult to talk about it. However, getting it out in the open is how healing begins. Think about when you have a wound, it needs to be cleaned out and it needs air to heal. If you hide away your wound then it just begins to spread infection to other parts of the body. Sexual addiction is like that (as are any other addictions). If you don’t discuss it, even if that is incredibly difficult to do, it starts to affect other areas of life; addiction makes the most honest people into liars, the most responsible people into schemers, and emotionally closes off the most open and loving people.
Therapy is one of the best places to talk about sexual addiction. It is confidential and free of judgment. You will not shock your therapist. Your therapist should be able to help you pick a path back to health. This is not easy. Many people assume if you want to stop a sexual addiction then just stop looking at the porn. If it were that simple I doubt anyone would have the addiction. Whether or not the images are viewed, they still exist in your teen’s mind’s eye. It takes a lot of work and time to get to the place where those images don’t pop up each time your teenager thinks about sex.
Patrick Carnes is one of the leaders on treating sexual addiction. He wrote a book called Out of the Shadows that is very helpful for those with addiction, and the people that love them. If you’re reading this because you want help, but you’re afraid to say that out loud, then I recommend you start with this book.
If you or your child is struggling with sexual addiction and you are ready to say that out loud, don’t wait any longer. Go and get the help you or your teenager needs.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | May 30, 2019 | Teen Addiction
Marijuana addiction in teens is a growing problem
People have a hard time believing marijuana is addictive. Indeed, for many people it is not. It is similar to alcohol in that most people who use it do not become dependent. Most can use it in a social, recreational situation. However, like alcohol, there are some who cannot control their use.
Someone who is addicted to marijuana always says that other people do not understand it. They say it has health benefits, and that it is not an addictive drug. They say of course they could stop if they wanted to. They ignore the irritation of their loved ones, and they ignore the signs that it is a problem. Their productivity is lowered, and their emotional range is blunted. They tend to use it several times per day. It is often the center of their social group.
Heavy marijuana users tend to need it to fall asleep. Their anxiety becomes so high that it is hard to quiet their minds before falling asleep. What is ironic about this is that the majority of people who abuse marijuana claim it isn’t addictive. However, if your teenager needs it in order to get to sleep, their body is dependent on it.
According to drugabuse.gov, 1 in 6 teens who use cannabis end up addicted to it during their lifetime. For those who use it daily, the number skyrockets to 1 in 4. Nearly 1 in 5 teenagers who enter a drug rehab facility go to treatment because they can’t quit using marijuana.
As a therapist who works with teens that have drug problems, I find that the teens who abuse marijuana are initially resistant to the idea they are addicted. This is much more true than the teens who abuse other drugs. I have yet to sit down with an opiate, meth, cocaine, or anxiolytic (such as Xanax) addict who thinks there is absolutely no problem with their drug use. Yes, some of these drug users are in denial about how intense their addiction might be, but they all agree that it would be better to be sober. This is not true with adolescents abusing marijuana. Most of them maintain a moderate level of functioning, so they argue that they’re completely fine. It takes a lot of work to break through a marijuana addict’s denial wall because addiction to marijuana is more subtle.
If this describes your teenager, my heart goes out to you. You might even feel torn about whether marijuana is addictive yourself. One thing that may help you understand is according to http://adai.uw.edu/marijuana/factsheets/potency.pdf, marijuana is 2 to 7 times more potent than in the 1970s. Also, teens tend to smoke the flower buds of the cannabis plant, which is stronger than the leaves previous generations tended to smoke. Many now use “dabs,” which is concentrated THC inhaled through a vape pen. According to justthinktwice.gov, dabs are approximately four times as strong as the highest grade marijuana; they are absolutely addictive. Previous generations also were more likely to begin use in their 20s, but now that is starting 5-10 years sooner.
If this blog is hitting home a little too closely, your teen has possibly begun to have a marijuana dependence. They will argue with you that they feel fine, but it is still a problem behavior. If you want your teen to be engaged, present and productive, then encourage them to quit. If they cannot or will not quit, get them help.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Apr 30, 2019 | Teen Addiction
Making new, sober friends helps a teen stop using drugs.
Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
While this is not California, the statistics from this article are still very interesting to think about. http://eastwindsor.patch.com/articles/christie-courts-mandatory-treatment-for-drug-offenders-26a17aed
In the state of New Jersey it has been found that mandating arrested drug offenders to treatment programs instead of jail-time has greatly reduced the repeat offense rate. When a drug-offender simply does jail time the rearrest rate is 54% with a 43% re-conviction rate. When mandated to treatment, the rearrest rate is 16% with an 8% re-conviction rate.
One thing that is rumored to happen in jail or prison is that an addict learns even more about how to be an addict. There are a lot of drug users and dealers in prison/jail, and they educate one another in further delinquent behavior. It is also rumored that there is a pretty significant amount of illegal drugs dealt within the prison system, sometimes making an addiction worse.
Whether you believe our justice system should or should not offer treatment centers as an alternative to jail/prison time, this article is a good example that treatment for addiction can be very helpful. It also demonstrates that who you spend your time around is who you become.
While there’s a good chance your teenager isn’t serving jail time for a drug-related arrest, this article still applies to you. The two important things to get from this is that 1) prisoners who spend time in the main prison population often commit drug-related crimes again and 2) prisoners who spend time around recovering addicts tend to get better.
If your child is acting out and participating in drug use, the most important thing you can do is change their peer group. This is extremely challenging as a parent. How many times have you told Junior, “I don’t like you being around those kids. What about hanging out with so and so instead?” Then you’re rewarded with a dirty look and an accusation that you “hate all my friends.” This is when you need to start thinking outside the box.
If your kid isn’t working, help them find a job. Teens who work develop friendships with their co-workers. A job also takes up time that could otherwise be used to smoke a joint.
Your child might be farther into their drug use than just getting a job to change their peer group. In that case, you’ll have to be more forceful and drastic. Sending your teen to a relative’s house for about 3 months can be extremely helpful. Do you notice that while your teen talks back towards you, they don’t talk back to your sister? They aren’t familiar enough with your sister to do that. It might just work to have them stay with her for a little while. This is only effective if your relative lives far enough away that your teen cannot see the same friends.
If the case is more severe, you’ll have to strongly consider either rehab or teen boot camp. Both of these methods are effective and helpful. I’ve found that teens who go to boot camp tend to come back a little bit stronger than rehab. However, in no way am I claiming to have completed a study on the matter. Each rehab and each boot camp are different. What works well with one type of teen may not be the ideal fit for another type of teen.
The bottom line is, teenagers begin to act like the people they are around. Getting your struggling teen around successful teens tends to improve the decisions your teenager makes. Just like the prisoners in this article, everyone needs someone who will show them an alternative, positive way out. For teens the most important thing is that they think it is their idea. This is your chance to be a creative parent and covertly help your teenager come up with a good idea for how they can start making changes.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
