Sometimes our efforts to help our teenagers accidentally make their addiction worse.
People get confused by the term codependent, or coaddict. I thought today I’d address codependence/coaddiction to see if it clears it up. If someone you love is engaging in an unhealthy behavior such as drug abuse, gambling, excessive shopping, etc., it is very noble to want to help. As relational beings we are called to help others when they are struggling. Coaddiction occurs when the attempts to help are misguided.
Let’s say Jane has a gambling addiction. Her brother, John, decides he wants to help her stop. At first he has a good conversation with her, and she agrees she should quit. However, Jane is unable to quit. John then threatens to stop talking to her if she does not stop gambling. She quits for a week and then goes back to it. He doesn’t stop talking to her. John consistently sets boundaries he does not keep. Jane comes to John and says she cannot afford her rent this month. He gives her $500 to cover the rent with the stipulation that she does not gamble that month. She gambles anyhow, and the next month tells him she again can’t cover her rent. She apologizes for gambling and promises never to do it again. John believes she is sincere. John continues to give Jane money for her necessities like food, clothing and shelter. Meanwhile, John’s wife is becoming very upset and wants to stop giving Jane money. John tells his wife, “If I don’t give her money then she can’t buy food for her kids.” John’s whole existence and self-worth becomes tied up in keeping his sister above water. John rationalizes this by telling himself that he is not giving her money with which to gamble.
John has become codependent. His self-value has become entrenched with helping Jane. If he is helping her then he can assume he is a good, loving brother. He is allowing his own marriage and financial security to suffer in order to take care of someone else who is not truly trying to get better. On top of that, John is really hindering his sister’s ability to beat her gambling addiction, albeit unintentionally. He pays her rent and buys her food, which frees up money for her to use at the casino. He fears she would use it at the casino and then not be able to pay her rent. That usually is not what happens, but if it does, she will finally feel the consequences of her addiction, and seek to get better.
If your teen is using drugs, or has some other unhealthy behavior, think carefully about the ways you are unintentionally enabling the behavior. If you recognize your enabling behavior, but are afraid to stop, then you have developed codependence. A great website to check out is coda.org (Codependents Anonymous). Therapy is also a good tool for overcoming codependence/coaddiction.
It is scary to stop “helping” your own child work through an addiction or struggle. However, we’ve all heard the old adage about how someone might not get better until they reach rock bottom. After doing therapy with addicts for a number of years, I believe there is truth to that statement. If you are trying to help your teenager avoid harsh consequences for their behaviors, you are prolonging when they hit rock bottom. Let your child experience natural consequences for their choices; the sooner you do so, the sooner they can realize they need help.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Vaping is becoming an extremely common means of substance use among tweens and teens. Many of my later teen clients are completely addicted to nicotine. It all started innocently enough, and usually in middle school. Please watch the following video on a few basics about vaping you need to know so that you can have a good conversation with your tween or teen. It is really important you weigh in on this topic because otherwise they only learn misinformation from their peers.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teenagers, this post is addressed to you. Some of you aren’t aware if one of your friends has had too much to drink or has overdosed on drugs, but others of you can tell. For those of you who can tell, you may fear calling an ambulance or dropping a friend at the emergency room if they’ve overdosed or had too much to drink. Please, don’t make that mistake! Don’t worry about you getting into trouble. There aren’t many consequences that outweigh what can go wrong if your friend is in physical distress from substances. Being grounded or even getting in trouble with the police will pass in time, but if your friend dies or has permanent physiological damage from an overdose of drugs or alcohol, you will struggle to get past your guilt if you could have gotten them help.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
100% Pure Methylenedioxymethampethamine (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The use of “Molly” is on the rise. I’ve even encountered several teens coming through my office that have abused the drug. This is scary because it is MUCH more dangerous than they realize. If you see your teenager texting about it, or overhear them talking about it, have a serious conversation. Don’t let your teen either tell you that Molly is just a person, or that it’s not a big deal. You have to be educated and be smarter than that, and you have to be scared enough to confront them.
Okay, so what is Molly? Molly is methylenedioxymethamphetamine. What? At least I’m assuming that’s your next thought. We’ll just call it MDMA from now on. MDMA has a much better known format called ecstacy. Is that a little bit more familiar? It used to be known as the “rave drug” because it would be taken prior to attending parties that last for 12 or more hours. It causes feelings of euphoria, energy, comfort, closeness and happiness. People who take either ecstasy or Molly feel more comfortable touching other people, and feel warm and fuzzy inside. Sometimes it also has hallucinogenic results, altering a person’s sense of time and space.
MDMA is a type of substance that causes increased tolerance. Herein lies one of its dangers. People find the high so appealing that they will use it every few hours when they are on a binge (These binges are referred to as “rolling”). They also often use it on several separate party occasions. Eventually larger amounts of the drug are needed for the high, and particularly for the hallucinogenic properties. An overdose of an MDMA drug (either ecstacy or Molly) can lead to elevated body temperature, lethally high blood pressure, cardiac issues and seizures. What is the bottom line? It can kill your child.
People who abuse MDMA have also been known to become very dehydrated. In their efforts to rehydrate they can actually drink too much water, which causes a dangerous electrolyte imbalance.
Adolescents mix Molly or ecstasy with other drugs. This further increases the dangers because the chemical properties are altered and possibly made more toxic.
Part of the reason you need to talk with your teenager about this is that it will often show up at parties. It is different than heroin or cocaine in that teenagers know those drugs are dangerously addictive. They don’t often try those types of drugs without a progression through alcohol, marijuana and other experimentation. Molly and ecstasy are different though. I have had teenagers tell me they’ve used it just because it was at a party, even when they are not normally drinkers or drug abusers. They honestly believed it is not a dangerous drug.
Help your teenager understand the risks they are taking if they use Molly or ecstasy (also sometimes called ‘E’). Tell your teenager to make sure a friend is taken to the emergency room if they seem dangerously high. Teens are often afraid to take a friend to the ER because they don’t want to get in trouble.
Just be in conversation with your teen. Find out if they’ve ever been offered Molly or ecstasy. Ask them if anyone they know has taken it. Remind them there are risks to using these types of drugs. It’s hard to have this conversation, but even if your teenager acts annoyed, they feel loved that you care.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
A new app helps doctors know when a patient is “med seeking.” Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It’s still in its early phases of testing, but one Toronto Emergency Room has put ER doctors on the path to reducing prescriptions given to “med seeking” patients.
A fair number of patients who go to see a doctor fake pain or illness in order to obtain a prescription for certain drugs. These can often include opiates such as oxycontin, benzodiazepines such as Valium or Xanax, and other drugs. It can be extremely challenging for a doctor to know when someone is faking or telling the truth if there are no specific tests to help them make their determination.
My sister is a nurse on a hospital inpatient unit. She tells me some patients are constantly asking for medication for this or that. They are often asked to rate their pain on a scale of 1-5 and they claim to be a 5 so they can have stronger medicine. They sometimes become combative, rude and irate when they are told they need to wait longer. She says it can be a real challenge to know when a painkiller isn’t working because the patient already has an addiction to painkillers, and therefore has a tolerance to the drug, and when it isn’t working because the patient is truly in extreme pain.
One way that patients “med seek” in the ER is to fake alcohol withdrawals. According to http://www.ideastream.org/news/npr/344232232, Valium is often given for alcohol withdrawals. I worked on a detoxification unit at a hospital for a few years before going into private practice, and I remember this was often the case. Someone who has an addiction to benzodiazepines will often go to great lengths to use again. Occasionally these people go to the emergency room and fake a tremor in their hands. They claim to be sobering up from alcohol dependence.
Sobering up from alcohol dependence can be very dangerous depending on the level of use. If the use was consistent and high in volume, a person will experience uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms. Some of these are irritability, anxiety, nausea, headache, sweating, fast heart rate, confusion and tremors. In extreme cases a person can get delirium tremens (DTs), which can include hallucinations and seizures. Sometimes DTs cause death.
When a patient shows up in the emergency room claiming to suffer from alcohol withdrawals, the doctor has to determine whether these are real or fake. They then have to decide what to prescribe. It can be a very challenging decision.
It turns out though, that truly faking hand tremors is almost impossible if the doctor knows exactly what to look for. There is now an app being tested that helps doctors create a score. A high score means it’s most likely from alcohol. A low score means it’s most likely malingering (faking illness for some gain). Most malingerers faking alcohol withdrawal tremors are looking for a benzodiazepine.
Coming from someone who sits in therapy with people struggling with addiction on a regular basis, this app is a great thing! One of the best ways to get through an addiction is for access to the drug of choice to be restricted as much as possible. This is especially true during the early days of sobriety when the ability to resist temptation is still low. It is why those of us who work in this field always advise family members to stop giving any kind of money to someone with a drug problem; if you can’t pay for it, it’s harder to get it, which means it’s harder to use it.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Marijuana is everywhere. If your teenager isn’t using it, they know at least five other adolescents who are. Teenagers have a very lackadaisical attitude towards the drug. They generally don’t think much about the physical health consequences of inhaling smoke/vape into the lungs, or the mental health consequences of using a drug that fosters dependence and indifference.
Here’s the thing with abusing weed. Teens can usually still function at a fairly decent level. If they were using heroin, methamphetamine, or cocaine, it is obvious that something is amiss. The effects with cannabis are more subtle. When a teenager is abusing marijuana, they seem off, but as a parent you might not be able to pinpoint why. There is a change in their motivation, but that could just be that they’re tired of school. It’s not so clear that you immediately think “drugs.”
With teenagers who regularly abuse marijuana, there are symptoms that really demonstrate why cannabis use can be a problem. Their grades drop. They lose interest in spending time with certain friends. They stop wanting to play sports. They lie to you more often. They seem uninterested in things that used to be exciting. They don’t react with anxiety to things that should make them anxious, such as you being mad at them. They suddenly become more concerned with money, and yet don’t seem to have much of it. They also might gain weight. Despite all this, the majority of teenagers who are consistently abusing marijuana don’t think there are any negative effects from the drug.
If you suspect your teenager is using, one of the best tools at your disposal is the over-the-counter drug panel. It is pretty easy to administer. Your teenager can fake it out with certain products they can purchase on the internet, at a smoke shop or get from their friends. However, if you surprise them with the test, it will most likely give you real results. Teens who are drug tested on a regular basis by their parents, at random, tend to quit using altogether. If they don’t quit, they often dramatically reduce their use. Once a few months go by, most of them tell me things like, “I feel the cobwebs clearing,” or “I think more quickly now,” or “I didn’t even realize how much it was affecting me.”
Help your teenager stay drug free. You’ll help them avoid depression, anxiety, bad friends, low motivation in school, and frustration in their relationship with you. If you yourself use marijuana from time to time, please understand that your teenager almost certainly knows it, and assumes that means you approve them using it too.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
