Pornography addiction can lead to feelings of shame and loneliness.
Former
Attorney General John Ashcroft has estimated that nine in ten
adolescents have seen pornographic material (focusonthefamily.org),
and most of this is from the internet. The exact percentage of
teenagers who are truly addicted to online pornography is hard to pin
down. What’s certain though is that your teenager has probably
dealt with some form of sexually explicit content online.
It
has become normal for a girl and a boy to like each other and begin a
texting conversation. When he asks her to send nudes, she won’t
even be surprised. A lot of times this happens before they’ve even
held hands. Yes, things are that backwards in your teen’s world
right now. If you find that hard to believe, trust me, so did I.
You can learn a lot by simply asking your teen if these types of
things are actually happening around them.
Sadly,
you may be at a point where your son or daughter finds him or herself
viewing pornographic material a few times a week, or maybe even a few
times per day. Your teenager is likely feeling sucked into a vortex
of pleasure and shame that is way over your teen’s head. If this
is going on then it is definitely time to get help.
Study
after study shows that sex within a committed relationship at an age
when a committed relationship can actually be sustained (i.e. in
marriage) is the healthiest form of sex. Think about how opposite
pornography is to a committed relationship. There is no emotional
connection. There is no wooing, dating, growing, learning, boundary
setting, or selflessness. It is completely about instant
gratification with no effort involved. Some of my clients have also
told me it requires more and more extreme versions of sex over time
to create feelings of arousal. This means by time real intimacy
occurs, it’s often confusing and disappointing.
You
definitely don’t want your teenager to develop ideas about sex that
are unrealistic and damaging. You also don’t want your teenager to
live in a pretend world based around his or her phone or tablet.
This addiction can become so powerful that it leaves teens unwilling
to go out with friends, get a job, or do anything outside their
private time. My colleague once had a teen client who used to leave
class and sit in the bathroom in order to catch a few quick porn
videos because his addiction had become so dominating.
If
your teen is dealing with pornography addiction, getting help can be
key. There are steps to follow that are really difficult, but
rewarding on the other side. Let’s help your teenager get a real,
in-this-world, connected with actual people life back. Let’s fight
back against this insidious and evil addiction that is victimizing
your child.
Helping
teens grow and families improve connection,
If your child is addicted to drugs, it feels devastating. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
When your teenager becomes a drug addict, it is one of the most scary, tragic, overwhelming things that can happen. It breaks your heart into pieces. You feel like you can’t get your head above water. Even when you’re having fun with family or friends, you always sense a dark cloud lingering in the background. Your prayers are desperate, you feel broken, and you feel disconnected from family and friends because they don’t understand the depth of your pain.
It can be scary to talk with your friends and family about your teenager’s addiction. You just never know what kind of reaction you’ll get. Some people are kind, compassionate and understanding. Others try and go back into the past to determine where you went wrong as a parent. When people react this way it’s excruciating and insensitive. Many, many times I’ve worked with families who truly did everything right. There are no parents who are perfect, but these families were wholesome, loving, fair and genuine. Despite this, their teenager still got into drugs. It’s not necessarily a product of the family system, and it’s very painful that family and friends don’t always realize that.
The other thing that parents have said is really difficult for them when their teens are addicted to drugs is feeling like a burden to their loved ones. What they mean by this is the well-being of their child is always on their mind. Sometimes parents don’t even know where their addicted child is, which is also very scary. These parents don’t feel like they can call their friends or family and lament about the same problem every single day. They have told me they live in a world where their pain is central to their existence, but they’re alone in their hell. They worry that discussing their heavy heart everyday becomes a drag to those around them.
It’s important for parents of addicted children to get support from people who truly understand how intense the battle against addiction is for both the addict and the addict’s family. A good place to get this support is Alanon, Celerate Recovery, CODA, or some other support group type of environment where it’s okay to voice how much it hurts. There will be others around who feel the same way. There will be some who have learned how to live with this and even carry on with their life. There will be people there who can really understand your fear and helplessness. There will be people there to gently point out ways you might be enabling your teen’s addiction, and then to support you as you try to stop.
Most of you who have an addicted teenager also have other kids. You have to continue being a parent to the children who are healthy and try to make things as normal as possible for them. You have to help them through their own pain they experience because they have an addict sibling. Somehow you’re supposed to do this while fighting through it yourself.
Addiction rocks families. It’s not just a problem for the addict. For parents it is terrifying. A child’s addiction has destroyed family finances, marriages, hopes and dreams. Putting people around you who really understand this, and who don’t blame you, is critical.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Some teens send hundreds or even thousands of texts per day. Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Dear Teens,
You live in an era where it’s easier to spend time in front of a screen than go do things out in the world. It’s hard to go more than three minutes without some form of entertainment. If you look at what you’re parents are doing, there’s a good chance mom, dad or both are also addicted to technology. They don’t even go to the bathroom without taking their phone! This means it’s not just your age group, so don’t feel condemned.
Here are the positives of being on social media, playing video games, watching Netflix, or spending time on any other app. First of all, you’re pretty much staying out of trouble. You could be out doing drugs, or getting into all kinds of stuff; instead you’re at home where mom and dad know you’re safe. Secondly, you’re probably never bored. You always have something to keep you occupied. When I was your age, if we couldn’t get ahold of our friends then we had almost nothing do do at home. Thirdly, you probably communicate with your friends all the time. Between commenting on their pictures or messages, and sending them texts or Snapchats, you’re always in contact.
Like anything though, there are some negatives to too much screen time. I bet you can guess what I’m going to say. First of all, you might not be taking great care of your physical health. One study came out that said people who use a lot of electronics are more sedentary, and eat more calories than those who don’t. The combination of not moving much, and eating in front of the TV because you’re bored can equate to carrying excess weight. The second problem you might have is that everyone looks happy on social media. They tend to post pictures when they’re with friends, or put up posts that say how much fun they’re having. You’ve probably heard, but this isn’t real. Every single person who posts things has times where they lack confidence, are lonely, feel angry, etc. It’s just not very common to write things on Facebook like, “I’m feeling ugly today because I have a huge zit in the middle of my forehead.”
Thirdly, some of you struggle with face to face interactions. When you text or post things all the time, you get to think before you hit send. That’s so nice because you have a few seconds or even minutes to formulate your answer. When you’re in person though you feel awkward and uncomfortable. You’re not with your peers in person as much as generations before you, so you haven’t spent as much time practicing the nuances of conversation. It’s really an art to be funny, witty, deep, and thought-provoking in a face to face conversation. Most people need a lot of practice to get there, and they practiced it growing up with their friends. Now you don’t do as much of that. It just makes things harder when you go on a date or interview for a job.
If you worry that you might be addicted to technology, here’s a quick self-test. Put down all forms of technology for 3 days in a row. Can you do it? If you can find books to read, enjoy going on a walk, and figure out how to talk with people, you’re probably okay. However, if you feel a sense of withdrawal, and a little bit depressed without your technology, then recognize that you might have a psychological dependence on it that goes beyond what is within healthy limits.
Sometimes our efforts to help our teenagers accidentally make their addiction worse.
People get confused by the term codependent, or coaddict. I thought today I’d address codependence/coaddiction to see if it clears it up. If someone you love is engaging in an unhealthy behavior such as drug abuse, gambling, excessive shopping, etc., it is very noble to want to help. As relational beings we are called to help others when they are struggling. Coaddiction occurs when the attempts to help are misguided.
Let’s say Jane has a gambling addiction. Her brother, John, decides he wants to help her stop. At first he has a good conversation with her, and she agrees she should quit. However, Jane is unable to quit. John then threatens to stop talking to her if she does not stop gambling. She quits for a week and then goes back to it. He doesn’t stop talking to her. John consistently sets boundaries he does not keep. Jane comes to John and says she cannot afford her rent this month. He gives her $500 to cover the rent with the stipulation that she does not gamble that month. She gambles anyhow, and the next month tells him she again can’t cover her rent. She apologizes for gambling and promises never to do it again. John believes she is sincere. John continues to give Jane money for her necessities like food, clothing and shelter. Meanwhile, John’s wife is becoming very upset and wants to stop giving Jane money. John tells his wife, “If I don’t give her money then she can’t buy food for her kids.” John’s whole existence and self-worth becomes tied up in keeping his sister above water. John rationalizes this by telling himself that he is not giving her money with which to gamble.
John has become codependent. His self-value has become entrenched with helping Jane. If he is helping her then he can assume he is a good, loving brother. He is allowing his own marriage and financial security to suffer in order to take care of someone else who is not truly trying to get better. On top of that, John is really hindering his sister’s ability to beat her gambling addiction, albeit unintentionally. He pays her rent and buys her food, which frees up money for her to use at the casino. He fears she would use it at the casino and then not be able to pay her rent. That usually is not what happens, but if it does, she will finally feel the consequences of her addiction, and seek to get better.
If your teen is using drugs, or has some other unhealthy behavior, think carefully about the ways you are unintentionally enabling the behavior. If you recognize your enabling behavior, but are afraid to stop, then you have developed codependence. A great website to check out is coda.org (Codependents Anonymous). Therapy is also a good tool for overcoming codependence/coaddiction.
It is scary to stop “helping” your own child work through an addiction or struggle. However, we’ve all heard the old adage about how someone might not get better until they reach rock bottom. After doing therapy with addicts for a number of years, I believe there is truth to that statement. If you are trying to help your teenager avoid harsh consequences for their behaviors, you are prolonging when they hit rock bottom. Let your child experience natural consequences for their choices; the sooner you do so, the sooner they can realize they need help.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Vaping is becoming an extremely common means of substance use among tweens and teens. Many of my later teen clients are completely addicted to nicotine. It all started innocently enough, and usually in middle school. Please watch the following video on a few basics about vaping you need to know so that you can have a good conversation with your tween or teen. It is really important you weigh in on this topic because otherwise they only learn misinformation from their peers.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teenagers, this post is addressed to you. Some of you aren’t aware if one of your friends has had too much to drink or has overdosed on drugs, but others of you can tell. For those of you who can tell, you may fear calling an ambulance or dropping a friend at the emergency room if they’ve overdosed or had too much to drink. Please, don’t make that mistake! Don’t worry about you getting into trouble. There aren’t many consequences that outweigh what can go wrong if your friend is in physical distress from substances. Being grounded or even getting in trouble with the police will pass in time, but if your friend dies or has permanent physiological damage from an overdose of drugs or alcohol, you will struggle to get past your guilt if you could have gotten them help.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
