by Lauren Goodman | Aug 9, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
School refusal is often caused by anxiety about something particular.
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As a therapist who works primarily with teenagers, it is not uncommon to see clients who have “school refusal.” They might be willing to go to school on occasion, but it is a huge battle for parents to get them there. School refusal has a variety of causes. Some of these include drug use, general opposition, and anxiety. Today I am going to focus on the anxiety component. I believe this is the most common reason for school refusal.
Anxiety is an overwhelmingly unpleasant feeling usually associated with a fear of some future event. Some teens are afraid of ridicule from peers, while others fear failing a test in class. If your teen strongly does not want to attend school, try and find out what they are afraid of first. There might be such a strong feeling of dread about school that a teen cannot stand the thought of attending. Every single school day is torture and feels very scary. I worked with one teen who was being pushed and cursed at by another boy each time he tried to get to his third period class. He felt helpless to defend himself because when he had asked the bully to stop, he was made fun of even more. He tried to seek help from school administrators, but then other kids started calling him a “tattle tale.” This teen’s anxiety grew to levels that were unmanageable for him, and he began to refuse school.
What can you do about school refusal as a parent? Firstly, you have to find out the reason for refusing school. We all have days where we don’t feel like going to school or work, but we don’t adamantly refuse to go. School refusal is normally caused by something much stronger than, “I don’t feel like it.” Once you’ve identified the reason for school refusal, sit down with your teen and work out a plan. If it is anxiety related, your teen needs to regain a sense of control over some situation; a plan can really help with this.
If you are unable to curtail the school refusal with talking and making a plan, it’s a good idea to call the school counselor and talk, and/or to seek outside help for your teen. Usually they can’t overcome this on their own. With anxiety, when something feels scary and then we avoid it, it feels bigger and more frightening. Because your teenager is still relatively young, most don’t know to push through scary things in order to make them more manageable. They tend to go with what feels most comforting in the moment, which is refusing to attend school.
You will face tension as you try and help your adolescent through their school refusal. You will need to be both comforter and enforcer. It’s a really challenging line to walk. Your teenager needs compassion, but they also cannot be allowed to miss school. It will really break your heart to send them to school when you know how awful it is for them, but if you continually allow them to miss, you’re doing them a disservice.
Sometimes loving our kids well means pushing them through emotional pain, but the good thing is we can walk beside them every step of the way.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | May 23, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Stress is manageable, but we have to control the extra little things that add to it.
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Here is a list of 5 things that raise anxiety that might surprise you:
- Watching a TV Series on Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, etc. It seems relaxing to sit down and watch a TV show, so why is this on the top of the list? For your teenager, and probably for you too, having immediate access to a TV series causes stress. This is because you get into the show and your brain finds pleasure in watching it. When something interrupts you from watching it, you feel irritated. This is where the stress comes in. Homework becomes more annoying than usual for your teenager. Chores aggravate, and so does really anything that gets in the way of finding out what happens next. Consider watching things that have an end in each sitting like a movie or documentary.
- Reading/watching the news. It is nice to know what’s going on in the world, but that’s only true to an extent. Whatever is going on with national politics is likely to capture your attention and to cause you stress. The thing about it is though, you can’t do anything about it. You don’t have the time, money or influence to make much of a difference. Beyond voting, donating a little to a cause, or calling your congressman, let it go. Don’t get absorbed in every little crisis in the media each day.
- Checking emails/texts too often. It’s okay not to check your phone more than once per hour. It is disruptive, and it creates an anxiety that you must respond to whatever you’ve received immediately. That also translates to an interruption in your present activity. The more you allow interruptions, the less you can enjoy the present moment.
- Taking on too much activity. For your teenager one or two social things a weekend is actually enough. This is the same for you. Don’t cram your day too full. You actually can survive on less activity. In fact, you might thrive on less. If you’re constantly driving your teenagers to school, practices, friends’ houses and other activities, then maybe you’re saying yes too often.
- Commercials. Commercials are designed to make you dissatisfied with what you have because dissatisfaction is a strong motivator to spend money. If you look at magazines about fashion all the time, you’ll have anxiety that your wardrobe isn’t up to snuff. If you constantly hear home improvement commercials on the radio, then you’ll think about that one project in your house you need to get done. You probably won’t actually do it, but you will feel an increase in stress. Your teenager is susceptible to this even more than you are. Try to limit how much exposure they have to advertising. I know we don’t live in caves, and so totally avoiding advertising is impossible. However, we can try to maximize the amount of time we aren’t exposed to commercials. When we’re reading, hiking, playing sports with friends, at the beach, swimming, etc., we’re not being fed messages of discontent. The more screen time we have, the more we are told the way we do things isn’t good enough.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Apr 5, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
We tend to overestimate the worst-case scenario.
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Have you ever wondered what anxiety is? We have all experienced it to an extent, some worse than others. It often starts with overestimating the likelihood of a bad situation.
I will give an example from my personal life. When I finished college I went out and got my first “career job.” I put that in quotes because it was the first job related to my field of study, and I saw it as a place I could possibly work for years. About four weeks after I began, my direct supervisor stepped down and an interim supervisor was put in place. As management started to settle into place, it became clear that the department head was a micromanager; she was also condescending and cold. As someone new to the staff, and as someone who has always confronted challenges in a personable manner, I struggled with the department head’s style. It got to the point where I had intense anxiety and dread course through my body every time I saw her extension on my caller ID. That progressed into me flinching whenever my phone rang because it might be her. She kind of reminded me of Cruella Deville (a very stylish dresser, but self-serving).
At home I began to think about work all the time. I started to hate my chosen profession. I began to search for ways to avoid the situation that I found so untenable. Worst of all were my beliefs about my future. I felt certain “Cruella” would fire or suspend me for any minor infraction or patient complaint. Given that I was working with drug addicts in their first days of detox, people whose physical misery means they do not tend to be a happy bunch), a complaint was inevitable. The point is, my fear of the worst case scenario was causing intense anxiety. Of course this fear never came to light.
If you find you or your teen is experiencing anxiety, then it is time to evaluate whether you are overestimating the likelihood of the worst case scenario. Try to understand that people are not good at predicting the future, and neither are you. While the worst case scenario could occur, whatever you are fearing will probably end up being just another mundane experience. How many times have you assumed something would turn out so badly that you just couldn’t bear it? And yet, you’re still here! Now we even call those times “growing experiences.”
Try very hard to examine EVERY possible outcome. While your teenage son might have intense anxiety that he will get an F on his next history exam, help him realize he also might get a D, C, B or even an A. Help him know that somehow others have passed this teacher’s class. You believe he will find a way to pass too. Remind him of all the times he thought he’d earn a horrible grade, but didn’t.
I worked with a girl for a long time who was certain she would never get accepted into any college. She thought her GPA was too low and her SAT scores were mediocre at best. In fact, her grades were a little above average and her SAT score was a little bit above average too. She was so surprised when she was accepted into 6 out of the 9 schools she applied to, and the one she chose even offered her a 75% tuition scholarship based on her grades. She just couldn’t believe it! Looking back she realizes she was terrible at predicting the future because her anxiety made her certain the worst-case scenario would come true.
Help your teenager look at the situation he is facing and be much more realistic about the possible outcomes; it will probably be better than he thinks.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Mar 27, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Bullying can devastate your teen.
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The topic of bullying comes up a lot in my line of work. It is brutally painful for tweens and teens to be picked on by their peers. One 12 year old girl started counseling a few months ago because she can’t figure out how to fit in at school. It turns out people clear the lunch tables when she sits down. When I first met her, this was really difficult to understand. She was completely delightful. I had to ask, “What makes certain kids the outcasts?”
After working with this issue for several years, it seems to me bullying occurs more frequently in middle school, and maybe the early high school years. Middle school appears to be the worst time, especially for girls. It also seems to me there are three types of kids. There are the kids who are assertive (and sometimes aggressive), the kids who are neutral (and generally left alone), and the kids who are picked on.
In early adolescence, the children that are assertive tend to be popular. These are the kids who don’t take crap from anyone. If someone is talking behind their backs, these kids get mad. They confront their accusers with attitude. They sometimes pick on someone else a little bit and make the other kids slightly afraid of them. On the surface they don’t seem to care what anyone else thinks. They are a little bit louder, a little bit more socially advanced, and a little bit more willing to break the rules. In the famous book on adolescent social structures, Queen Bees and Wannabees, these are usually your “queen bees.”
The neutral kids are the quieter ones. They have their group of friends, and they are content with this. They don’t have any ambition to move up to the next social group, or to be seen as popular. They don’t rock the boat. These kids are probably what we’d think of as the “typical” middle school or high school student. They are into their particular hobby, whether it be band, theater, or sports, and they don’t cause a lot of trouble.
The third group of kids are the ones who get bullied. These are teens who are naturally programmed to care what everyone thinks of them. These teens cry when others gossip about them instead of getting angry (this was me in all of middle school). They take it to heart when someone says they run funny, and then forever feel self-conscious in P.E. class. They suck up to the more popular kids because they don’t want the popular kids to be mean to them. These kids are easily taken advantage of because of their efforts to gain favor with everyone. Sometimes they are naive. These children are less socially assertive because they fear “making it worse.” If they are assertive, they don’t do it in a way that earns the respect of their peers, only in a way that causes them to be mocked. Some of them also try to use obseqiousness to gain favor with more popular kids (although that rarely works in the long-run).
No matter which group your teenager is in, help them understand it is not their permanent position. At some point we are differentiated from our peers in terms of our abilities and ambition. In general, middle school and high school years are years that can include a lot of insecurity. Some of the more insecure teenagers I knew have grown up to be amazing adults. Help your child know he or she is building character for the future. Remind your teen that wisdom is born from suffering, and compassion is born from rejection. Don’t let them lose sight of the big picture as tweens and teens are apt to do even though I know it hurts right now.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MFT, MS
by Lauren Goodman | Mar 2, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Anxiety is overwhelming and frustrating.
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When you struggle with anxiety, it makes you want to quit. Let’s take the example of Brandon, who has really bad test anxiety. Perhaps he wants to go to college to become a teacher. So, Brandon signs up for classes and starts going. It is great at first because he is only listening to lectures and writing papers. However, midterms start. Brandon has such terrible test anxiety that he cannot sleep the night before, studies ineffectively, and feels as if his mind is blank during the exams. His stomach aches the day of the test and he is too nervous to eat. This becomes so unbearable that he starts to say to himself, “Maybe I don’t really want to teach after all. I was much happier when I was working in retail.” So, to avoid the horrible feelings of anxiety, Brandon quits.
Here is the problem Brandon now has: Because the test anxiety caused Brandon to quit, he now is more afraid of tests than before. As miserable as it is, pushing through a fear is essential to overcoming it. When things calm down again, Brandon then wishes he had pushed through because he really dreams of becoming a teacher. Since Brandon quit though, school seems even bigger and more scary than it did the last time. Each time Brandon repeats this pattern he is making his situation worse.
When your anxiety makes you want to quit or avoid a situation, just remember that if you give in, the situation will actually become more scary next time. Sometimes this is really hard to do, so getting a little help is necessary.
One thing I have teenagers do who have anxiety about a situation is to make a list. We write down the thing they fear most, then something slightly less scary, and something even less scary until we reach a level that isn’t scary at all. For Brandon it might look like this:
- College Finals
- College Mid-terms
- An online mid-term or final
- A college quiz
- An online quiz
- A practice exam on the school campus
- A practice exam done at home
Brandon would then be instructed to start with a practice exam done at home. He would repeat it until it was associated with absolutely no anxiety. Next he would take a practice exam on the college campus. He’d repeat this process until it no longer caused any anxiety. He would continue to work his way up the list.
Let’s say Brandon successfully worked his way all the way to number 2, taking a college mid-term. When he got to this one he was unable to complete it because of his fear. If that happens it is important to break it down into a smaller step once again. Brandon might need to visualize taking a successful college mid-term on a daily basis and then try again.
If your teenager is racked with anxiety about a specific situation, try to help them push through. Do not let them quit unless the situation is dangerous to their health. We build fortitude by pushing through emotionally challenging situations. Adults who lack fortitude also lack success: don’t let this be your teen.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Feb 24, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Positive thinking improves your whole life.
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Feeling a little bit negative today? Worried you’re not going to do a good job on your project? Concerned you will make your teenager mad when you get home? Focusing on negative worries like this actually makes them more likely to happen.
Trying to see things with a positive outlook is essential to a better life. It is not always easy though. Sometimes the things that are worrying us or dragging us down seem to overtake our thoughts. In my office, I often hear about parents feeling completely overwhelmed with a negative choice their teen has made. It seems to pervade every aspect of their lives.
There is an interesting phenomenon shown to be true through research in social psychology. It is called the self-fulfilling prophecy. This means if you to say something is going to happen in a certain way, you will inadvertently behave in a manner that increases the likelihood of this being true. For example, Justin says, “I am going to play terribly in my soccer game. I can just feel it.” To get comfort from the negative feeling he might eat comforting foods such as candy, or warm up poorly for his game because he has less focus on playing well and more focus on how big the other team looks. Then he actually will play worse than normal. This increases his anxiety next time he plays.
Self-fulfilling prophecies work in the opposite direction too. If you think positively, you are more likely to behave in a way that creates a positive outcome, thereby lowering anxiety. Positive thinking in one area also spreads to other parts of your life. Melissa decides to think positively about her upcoming math test. As a result she studies with more confidence. She is also nicer to her parents because she is not distracted by worry. Since she is nicer to her parents, they take a more encouraging tone about her test instead of their usual warnings that she study harder. Melissa’s positive thinking has an impact on her behavior, which causes others to behave better, which reduces her stress, which helps her perform better on her math test.
Do you remember that guy in high school who always said he was going to be the next big thing? You’d look at him and think, ‘Uh huh, sure…’ Then he pulled it off! He lived out a self-fulfilling prophecy. He increased his overall motivation by predicting something about his future. Your prediction about yourself has to be made with conviction to have an impact on how you behave. We often predict the negative with conviction; why not start predicting the positive with conviction?
It is not natural to think positively. It’s important to remember things will very rarely be perfect all at the same time, so stop waiting for that day when all your ducks are in a row. Start living positively (and with less anxiety) today. It’s a choice. If you make positive predictions for yourself, you will get there.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
