by Lauren Goodman | Jan 13, 2017 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
School causes so much anxiety for some teens.
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School causes a lot of anxiety. There seem to be two areas where this is most true: socially and with grades. For some teenagers school is so overwhelming that they can hardly handle it. Towards the end of every vacation they start to feel intensely stressed and irritable. It becomes difficult for your teen to remember they are at school to learn; they begin to think school is a place where they will be socially and academically scrutinized. What follows are 10 tips that help reduce some of the nervous feelings.
1. Study regularly over the course of the whole week before an exam. Cramming causes more exhaustion and anxiety.
2. Do not lose perspective, pray instead. Just because someone says something rude about you does not make it true. It also does not mean everyone else will believe it is true. What God and your family think of you matter much, much more.
3. Remember to breathe. It is very helpful to take deep breaths when taking a test, or at any time when feeling anxiety.
4. Talk to someone. Letting a friend know when you don’t feel your best can sincerely give you relief.
5. Choose wisely. Your friends have a lot to do with how you feel. Unlike your family, you can choose your friends.
6. Get to know your teachers. If you take the time to talk to them a little bit you will feel better in their classes.
7. Watch the caffeine intake. Drinking soda or coffee contributes a lot to feelings of nervousness. It is better to get a little exercise. That wakes you up too.
8. Stretch. If you are standing in the halls between classes lean back and stretch a little. This usually feels good and is almost always calming.
9. Smile. If you struggle socially it is very likely you keep your head down and forget to smile. Just by walking around with a smile more people will talk with you.
10. Get enough sleep. If you are not sleeping enough then it is a big challenge to maintain your poise when you need it. You probably have to get up early for school so just go to bed sooner.
If you remember to employ these techniques you will feel a little better on your bad days.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Dec 5, 2016 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Teens need your input when they start dating.
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It’s bound to happen eventually. Your son or daughter has a boy/girlfriend. You’re happy for them, but you feel trepidation too. What does it mean for them to have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Answer: It really depends.
Some dating relationships are more like a special friendship. It’s someone your adolescent texts more often than other friends. They might sit near each other at lunch, and they have an automatic date to dances. It’s pretty innocent. This kind of dating is every parent’s dream!
For some teenagers having a boyfriend or girlfriend means becoming sexually active. The best predictor of this is how their friends behave. If you know your teenager’s friends “hook-up” [For teens these days this term implies anything ranging from kissing to having intercourse] with people at parties, and those that are in stable relationships are having sex, then your adolescent probably thinks that’s what’s expected of him or her too. It is really difficult for teens to go against the grain of their friends, even in something that should be a personal decision.
I’ve been counseling teenagers now for a little over ten years. The collective experience of Teen Therapy OC counselors is 28 years. One thing we all readily agree on is that less is more when it comes to teen dating. We feel convinced that once teenagers become sexually active with a boyfriend or girlfriend the relationship moves to an intensity an adolescent is rarely mature enough to handle. We also believe adolescent relationships that include a lot of time with friends tend to keep teens happier. In other words, if your teenager no longer spends time with his or her friend group, it’s a red flag that things are too serious.
Parents, be careful not to lose your authority when your teen is dating. You’re still older, wiser and in charge. Your job isn’t to be liked, but to guide and protect. The more you embrace the person your teen is dating, the less your teenager has to be sneaky. However, some basic rules can really help the situation:
- Don’t let your teenager be in his or her bedroom with their boy/girlfriend, even with the door open. They should be out in the family room.
- Hands out when they are sharing a blanket on the couch.
- Make sure their boyfriend/girlfriend always comes to the door if they are taking your teenager out. YOU should be answering the door, not your adolescent.
- Include your teenager’s boy/girlfriend in your family activities sometimes. You want to make sure you have a lot of conversations with this person too. For a time they will be a big influence on your child’s character, so let’s know the person with the influence.
- Always take your child’s side. Some parents aren’t supportive of their own teenager when there is an argument. This is hurtful to your child. If his or her behavior was wrong, it’s still best to tell your teen you’ll be here for him or her even though he/she messed up.
- Monitor the conversations occurring on text, Snapchat and Instagram. These conversations can become too intense; it has become commonplace for one teen to ask another for naked photos. While we know that’s wildly inappropriate, teens are used to it. They aren’t even appalled by the question!
You’re navigating new waters as a parent. It wasn’t too many years ago that you were an adolescent enjoying the attention of your first boy/girlfriend. You were hoping for opportunities to be alone with that person, and trying to balance what you were comfortable with and where to draw the line. If you were anything like me, you didn’t actually have the maturity to do this, and made some mistakes you’d take back if you could. Your child doesn’t have the maturity yet either. Though he/she might look like a young adult, an adolescent brain is still forming. Your teenager needs your input as he/she dates!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 28, 2016 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Texting is a sure way to make homework take forever.
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As a counselor for teens I hear about things that really drive teenagers crazy. One thing I hear repeatedly is that at the high school level they are given unbearable amounts of homework. I am told parents cannot understand because things were different when they were in high school.
In some cases this is true- teenagers are given an incredible amount of homework. However, usually the problem is more one of time management. The adolescents who truly have nearly unmanageable volumes of homework are the ones who sign up for as many AP classes as possible. These are kids with goals to attend really good universities, and probably with an academic scholarship. There’s nothing wrong with this if it’s the teenager who is driving it. However, if parents are the ones pushing until their teen is completely buried in work it’s worth taking a look at the whole situation. It’s worth evaluating whether this much work is at the expense of the teenager’s social and spiritual development. It’s worthwhile to ask how important pushing them this hard really is. Maybe the answer is a good one, and they should keep being pushed…but maybe not…
Now, for the rest of you teens. I have sat with many of you who have told me you have way too much homework. I do realize you don’t enjoy it, and it’s definitely not what you feel like doing after school or on your weekends. I don’t blame you one bit for feeling this way; it’s not fun!
The thing is, for a lot of you, it really doesn’t have to take that long. Are you doing your homework with your cell phone next to you? Do you have multiple internet tabs open while you’re working on your laptop? Is the TV on in the background? It’s really tempting to use electronics while you do your homework (In fact, for many of your assignments you need electronics). If you eliminate distractions you can definitely finish faster. A lot of you can finish a 40 problem math test in an hour in class, but at home those same 40 problems would take you 2 hours. You just might be losing time to texts, apps, the internet and the TV.
I encourage you to work on your homework distraction free. I think you could probably finish it in two hours most nights. If you came home and did it right away, you could be free by 5:30pm every night! You may not even have homework to do all Sunday afternoon. How amazing would that be?!?!
Teens, get your lives back! You already spend a lot of time at school every week. Don’t spend all your time at home with your textbooks open, while you halfheartedly get your work done. Work when you work and play when you play.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Oct 20, 2016 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Being an introvert is perfectly fine and normal.
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As a therapist who works with teens I get a wide array of calls. These can range anywhere from concerns over a teen using drugs, to worries about grades dropping, to an adolescent asking mom or dad for help, but not telling them why. One thing that parents sometimes bring up about their child, and teenagers often bring up about themselves, is a fear they aren’t social enough.
We live in a society that truly glorifies the person who has a lot of friends, and gets together with people in all their free time. We admire a really popular, social extrovert. We’re in awe of the person who can talk to anyone in a room. We wish we didn’t have feelings of social awkwardness. We imagine how much better our lives could be if we were an extroverted, life-of-the-party fun person.
If you imagine this about yourself, your teenager imagines it even more. When they’re at school they notice who looks happy and who doesn’t. Usually this is gauged by who is laughing, smiling and at ease around a good sized group of other teens.
There are many of us who don’t feel at ease in large groups though, and enjoy ourselves in quieter, smaller settings. I should know, I am one of these people! Because of this I feel it is really important to speak out on behalf of you teenagers who are naturally introverted.
How do you know you’re an introvert? You may be okay with a lot of people and excitement…for a few hours…but then you need some quiet alone time to regroup. You get your energy from being by yourself, or with a few close friends. Extroverts are often bored when they’re alone, feel restless, and are energized by large groups of rowdy people; that’s your nightmare.
I have good news for those of you who are introverted. There’s nothing wrong with you! It’s completely fine to be someone who needs down time. You live in a culture that is always on the go, values busyness, and thinks constant socializing is what it’s all about. However, that is simply untrue. Half of us out there need time to slow down, process what’s going on in our lives, think quietly, and just be alone for a few minutes (or hours). There’s also nothing wrong with your peers who want to constantly socialize. Being an extrovert isn’t bad either. These are simply characteristics, like the color of your skin, eyes or hair. You aren’t wrong for the way God made you.
If you’re a mom or a dad who is reading this, and this describes your teenager, then I hope you feel relief. It’s another story if your teen is desperate to socialize more, but can’t because of anxiety, depression, or something else that’s going on. That means they are really uncomfortable with themselves, and that’s a great time to seek out help. However, if you’re just worried about the fact that your adolescent would rather spend Friday night reading a book or watching a movie at home than being out partying, but they seem fine in every other respect, stop worrying- that’s just who they are.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Sep 15, 2016 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Panic attacks are miserable and terrifying. The fear of having another can be disabling.
Panic attacks are awful. Ask anyone who has really experienced one, and they’ll tell you they thought they were dying. People with panic attacks often go the the emergency room because it feels like a heart attack. The fear and physical symptoms that overwhelm a person are very intense.
A lot of people say, “I’ve had a panic attack,” and they really mean they have felt very anxious. Panic attacks go beyond “very anxious.” They usually last up to ten minutes (and sometimes longer). They build up very suddenly, and then they pass.
Some possible symptoms experienced during a panic attack are:
- dizzy
- choking
- shortness of breath
- tightness in the chest
- nausea
- sweating
- headache
- heart racing
- pain
- smothering
- trembling
- depersonalization
- fear of dying
There are other symptoms people experience beyond this.
To overcome panic attacks usually professional help is needed. In many cases a combination of medication and therapy are successful.
If you are a parent, and this is happening to your teen, make sure to get your child help. Panic attacks are really awful for the person who has them. Sometimes the fear of having a panic attack in public will lead someone to feel afraid of leaving the house. It becomes easy to avoid situations where panic has occurred before. In my practice I have seen teens who do not want to go to school, or certain friends’ houses because they have panicked there before. Make sure to get your teen the necessary help if they are struggling with panic attacks so that it does not become debilitating.
I hope you’re weekend is peaceful and anxiety free,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Aug 22, 2016 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Drama from social media is now part of adolescence.
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Do you find your teenager feeling very upset over things they’ve seen on social media? Do you often think it would be better for them if they didn’t have access to it at all? Do you feel frustrated by the amount of time they spend on social media? It’s a hard thing to manage. We are parents navigating uncharted waters. We don’t have the example of how our parents dealt with us wanting to be on the computer or our phones all the time. We might have had a pager and our own phone line…maybe.
First of all, social media is here to stay. Just taking it away because it’s overall too stressful is probably not going to work very well. We have to teach our kids to manage what they post, how much time they spend on it, and how easily they are offended by what other people say on their accounts. Many of my clients personalize comments others make on social media. Sometimes it is personal, and other times it really isn’t. They also are often very sensitive about how quickly someone comments, how often, when they click the “like” button, how much someone else posts pictures of them, and what the sub-context is of their friends’ posts. I have sat with many teens in counseling who were in tears because they interpreted social media posts to mean something other than what was really intended.
It’s a big deal to teach your teenager how to post properly on social media. Rather than just giving a lecture, work with them for awhile. They might not want to let you, but that’s okay, you’re the parent. There are a lot of times when we have to do things with our kids they don’t appreciate at the time; in the long run they’ll be glad. When they apply for a job one day they will be thankful they never posted that picture of themself drunk at a party. It’s also important to help them realize the detriment of being passive aggressive. It’s extremely tempting for many adolescents to post thinly veiled general comments that everyone knows are really directed at one person. This leads to arguments that get blown completely out of proportion. It also leads to hurt feelings.
What do you do when this happens to your teenager instead of your teen instigating it? The same rules apply here that you were taught when people talked behind your back in middle school or high school. Confronting someone directly (and privately) and in person is always ideal. It’s not best to text this confrontation. Believe me when I tell you that those texts are “screen shotted” and sent to lots of other teens. When your child simply has a conversation the other person is much more likely to realize your teenager isn’t being hostile, and they are more likely to pick up on facial nuances that convey a lot of meaning.
Social media can be very positive. It connects teenagers. It helps people keep old friends. However, it is a highlight reel. It doesn’t accurately represent how someone feels inside. Many adolescents mistakenly read into what is posted and get their feelings hurt. Many other adolescents use social media to bully or behave passive aggressively. It is very, very important to be involved in your teenager’s social media activity so you can help him or her learn how to effectively use this tool that will be part of our lives for the rest of our lives.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
