Test anxiety can make a person miserable. Photo Credit: nenetus via freedigitalphotos.net
Test Anxiety in Adolescents
You remember the feeling. You’re staring at an exam you studied for, but now matter how hard you think about it, you cannot remember the information. Your body tenses up. You feel panic rise. You are dealing with test anxiety.
I have several clients who do very well in school, but feel like they blank out on tests. This affects their confidence and even their relationships at school.
The worst part for many teens is that they don’t know what to do once this starts. It can get bad enough that a teen starts feeling the anxiety as soon as a test is announced. A couple of bad test-taking incidents, and your child is now phobic of test taking.
A Tool for Test Anxiety
A really simple tool for test anxiety is called “priming.” This is a phenomenon psychologists use to influence how someone does on something in the immediate future. Let’s have you try it out in order to understand how it’s done.
Steps for Priming Before A Test
Step 1: Get out a pen and paper.
Step 2: Set a timer for 60 seconds.
Step 3: For the next 60 seconds write down as many words as you can think of to describe a Harvard professor. Don’t overthink this. Just write down ANYTHING that comes to mind. If you immediately think of glasses and tweed coats, then write those down. If you think of the word, ‘smart,’ then write that down. Just let your mind free-flow.
Step 4: Attempt an intellectually difficult task such as a math problem.
What Happens When You Use Priming
The point of priming is that when we think of words and images related to what we’re about to do, we do better or worse based on how we think. Sounds obvious right? Yet, most people are not intentional when they prime.
In fact, we prime all the time. Do you ever find yourself “prepping” before you do something or talk to someone? You are priming for the task. Unfortunately, we often prime in a negative way. But for test anxiety, we can using priming in a positive way.
My Personal Example
Sometimes when I surf I am excited, energized, and eager. In these times I picture the surfing feats of highly talented professionals and slightly less highly talented friends. I am priming. In those cases, I surf pretty well.
At other times, I feel nervous and stiff. In those cases, I picture wipe-outs. I say things to myself such as, “You’ve been doing this for 3 decades and you’re still not very good.” My surfing starts out almost like having test anxiety. It’s as though I can’t even quite remember how to do it.
Back to Priming for Test Anxiety
If I had you imagined a high school drop-out instead of a Harvard professor, you would have performed worse on the task instead of better. This phenomenon has been repeated in psychological experiments many times.
It has worked well for my clients with test anxiety too. Here’s how: Instead of immediately beginning their exam in school, they take the first 60 seconds and prime with the Harvard professor example. They have told me they performed about 10% higher on their test than expected. By the way, this is exactly what we’d expect based on the research.
Priming for Athletics
Also, if you’re nervous before a sporting event, you can do a priming exercise imagining a top notch athlete. If your adolescent has a swim meet, have him or her imagine Michael Phelps. Your teen can either write down or just tell you descriptors of his abilities before his or her race. The research says your teen should go a bit faster.
Final Thoughts on Adolescent Test Anxiety
Anxiety is a hard thing. When you have test anxiety, it can make school miserable. It can bleed over into your friendships and even how you get along with your parents. It’s awful.
Instead of letting the test anxiety overwhelm and consume your teen, help them systematically tackle it. Start with priming. Try a few other techniques. If nothing is effective enough, reach out. I’m happy to chat with you about it.
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Anxiety can make a teen miserable. Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Why Anxiety Help for Teens?
Anxiety is awful. You know how terrible it feels when you worry about what a friend thinks of you, or whether you’re going to get in trouble with your parents for something you did last week. Sitting, waiting, hoping for the best but dreading the worst is a really uncomfortable feeling! Sadly, some people live in this feeling of dread all the time. Anxiety help for teens is specific to the worries teens have.
Typical Teen Anxiety
Sometimes our anxieties (or worries) are realistic. For example, we know we’re terrible at Spanish, and we’re having a lot of anxiety about taking the next Spanish test. Likewise, we know we did something really foolish at the party Saturday night, and we’re dreading our return to school on Monday. This kind of anxiety is realistic and common to the whole human race.
When Anxiety Goes Too Far
For some of us though, anxiety starts to pervade our thoughts. It becomes this ugly overwhelming emotion that is hard to control. Furthermore, anxiety is often based on things that aren’t very likely. It is this point where anxiety help for teens becomes necessary.
To demonstrate, here are some examples of things I’ve heard teenagers tell me they’ve worried about, but know they shouldn’t worry about: 1) “I’m going to get cancer.” 2) “Everyone in the classroom will stare at me and think I’m an idiot if I raise my hand in class.” 3) “I’m going to fail my test.” 4) “No college will accept me.” 5) “My parents are secretly disappointed in me.” 6) “What if there’s a school shooter?” The list goes on an on. The things adolescents worry about come in all shapes and sizes.
Help for the Anxious Teen
Something I’ve found helpful in the past, and you might like too, is the acronym F.E.A.R. It stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. This is really what gives us anxiety, or fear about a situation. We think there’s evidence proving what we worry about will actually happen. It makes us feel scared and nervous. Most of the time the situation turns out just fine because the evidence we used to support our fear was actually false.
A Case Study
Here’s an example of anxiety help for a teen. I once worked with a very bright client who was terrified of giving another class presentation. He felt completely certain all the other students were judging him and secretly laughing at him. When asked to provide evidence that supports his theory, he told me that everyone was looking at him.
What this teen was facing is a great example of false evidence appearing real. Everyone was looking at him, he was right about that! Where he was wrong is the reason everyone was looking at him. They were starting at him because he was in front of the class talking. Once he realized everyone started at each presenter, and stared at the teacher when she was talking, he recognized he had fallen prey to F.E.A.R.
Of course this tool isn’t strong enough to completely overcome all your anxieties. However, it is one example of the kinds of things we think about and work on to cope with adolescent anxiety in therapy. F.E.A.R. is part of a group of help for teen anxiety interventions called CBT (cogntive-behavioral therapy). It is highly effective with adolescent anxiety disorders.
When you realize that many of the things you worry about aren’t totally true, it is a freeing moment. Help for teen anxiety is possible! Help your teen get his/her life back today.
Positive thinking improves your whole life. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Happiness For Teens: How do today’s teens seek happiness?
Happiness for teens is elusive. If you’re reading blogs on this site, it probably means either you or someone you love deeply is struggling to find happiness. I’ve been there too. It really hurts. It can be such a struggle to find more than just fleeting enjoyment.
We look to things like a new outfit, the latest video game, a trip to a theme park, something good to eat, or especially social media. We know these things are associated with pleasure. For a few minutes, and maybe a few hours if we’re lucky, we feel happy. These things keep us coming back. Ultimately though, they wind up empty.
5 things that contribute to more lasting happiness for teens:
1. Actively demonstrating gratitude.
There are most certainly people in your life that you rely on. Whether it’s that weekly call with your mom you use to vent, or your assistant at work who schedules your meetings. If you’re a teenager, then it’s that one teacher who always actually listens, or your friend at school who sits next to you at lunch each day without fail. Try your best to visibly thank someone each day. Send a text, an email, write a note, etc. If you just do this once a day you will truly increase your happiness; you and your teen can find more happiness.
2. Control your thoughts.
It’s really easy to think nobody cares about you. You believe you’re not as smart as the next person, or that you will never amount to anything much. It’s harder to remind yourself of why these thoughts are simply untrue.
Happy people work hard to fight their negative thoughts. The first step is to recognize them. The second step is to honestly test them. The third step is to reshape them. If you think nobody cares about you, you need to test this theory. You don’t need to actively do anything, you just need to look back at the last 24 hours. Did anyone say hello to you, hug you, smile at you, give you a ride somewhere, send you a message, etc? If even one person did any of those things, then you need to reshape your thought to something more positive. You might change it to something like, ‘At least one person cares about me.’ Happy teens are more successful at fighting their negative thoughts.
3. Get in the habit of smiling.
People wait for someone to smile at them first. If you’re both doing this, nobody ends up smiling. Smile first. It might feel awkward, but you get incredible results. If you smile more, others interpret you as more friendly. They want to be around you more. You end up happier. Also, the muscles we use to smile are linked to the “happiness center” in our brain. In fact, smiling is healthy. When you smile your brain automatically feels happier. Happiness for teens is more achievable with a smile.
4. Exercise: An Important Part of Happiness for Teens.
People who do some sort of daily exercise are happier. You will have more energy. Teens who exercise regularly also have a better body image. Consistent exercise is an important ingredient for happiness in teens.
5. Prayer or meditation.
5 minutes a day is not much time. If you stop for 5 minutes and slow down your mind, you will gain hours of a better mood. Better moods equal increased productivity. Increased productivity equals a feeling of accomplishment, which is linked to happiness. Additionally, prayer accomplishes this. Plus, then you’re connecting with God and He loves you.
Most, if not all, of these tips are things you’ve heard and read before. What’s keeping you from actually putting them into practice? It probably takes 1 week of actively doing these things to increase your overall happiness. Happiness is the result of habits, not the result of luck. This means it’s something you make. As humans our natural state is one of complaint, irritation, and frustration. This can be overcome, but you have to work at it. You can do it! Use that positive thinking to tell yourself you can!
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Many teens are overwhelmed in today’s culture (about one third). Constant activity exhausts them. The activity isn’t always physical. They can appear to be resting, but they are still stimulating their mind with screens. There is literally no downtime. Between screens, scheduled activities, and a highly competitive culture, yes, our overwhelmed teenagers are everywhere.
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In an America where we feel pressure to give our kids every edge, it’s hard to discern what is important and what isn’t. I’m a mom, and I struggle with this too. We seem to think everything is important. We’re all worried about building their resume so they can look good to colleges. We love our kids and we want to give them the opportunity to build a good future. But what does that mean? Is a good future just career opportunities? What about learning to balance passions with work? What about making sure adolescents learn self-control with how to budget time? It’s very hard to help teenagers navigate their future in this post-modern era.
Are Overwhelmed Teens Really Set Up for Success?
What if we spend so much time making sure the chance to succeed exists that we forget to teach our overwhelmed teenagers what to actually do with the opportunity? What if they get to the college of their (or maybe your) dreams but then they aren’t mature enough to make the most of their education?
Teens need to learn some very essential skills growing up. They need to learn how to function in a working environment (usually accomplished through school and first jobs). We are really good at focusing on that. However, there is a lot more to being a successful adult than just knowing how to get a good job. Your adolescent has to also learn how to take care of himself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. It’s important to have a child who knows how to make good food and exercise choices. Your child has to know how to cope with challenging emotional situations. You want your teen to have a relationship with their faith. It’s also important for your child to know how to build and maintain friendships. There are so many facets to a “successful life.”
What Can I Do to Help My Teen?
If you find your teenager is feeling overwhelmed all the time, it’s time to get back to basics. Chances are there is too much emphasis on developing one area of their person. Perhaps they are playing a high level of sports that requires 20+ hours per week of their time. Unless your child is going pro (and they most likely aren’t), that’s excessive. That’s too much emphasis on one thing. Or, in other cases teens experience overwhelm because they have 5 AP classes. That’s also too much emphasis on one area. Balance in life coupled with knowing how to achieve goals is ideal. Work on balance. Work on helping your teenager think through what matters for THEIR life instead of what their friends are all doing.
A Personal Story of an Overwhelmed Teen
I know one young man who placed all his emphasis on developing the ability to work. He took multiple AP classes and went to USC. That’s quite an accomplishment. However, when he got there, the rest of life caught up with him. He didn’t know how to relate to people without succumbing to peer pressure. Between partying in college and not knowing how to handle it, he failed out. So, he ended up at community college and living at home. Likewise, he spent the next two years catching up on maturing in the other areas of life. Finally, he transferred to LMU, graduated and got a good job. He ended up fine, but he had a massive struggle because he worked too hard on one area of life throughout his adolescence.
Wrapping It Up
So, if your teen is consistently overwhelmed, take a look at the balance in their life. See whether they might be working too much at one thing and neglecting another. Help them establish goals to be a whole person instead of just one dimensional. Hopefully that helps, but if they continue to feel overwhelmed, please feel free to reach out. Usually overwhelmed adolescents are simply too busy, but sometimes there is something else going on. In those cases, therapy can be helpful.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teenage alcoholism does exist, and is a real problem. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
Teen Alcoholism
Can teens be alcoholics? Unfortunately, yes. Usually, when we think “alcoholic,” we really don’t picture teenagers. We think they’re too young to have developed a dependency on alcohol. We assume it’s not really that easy for them to get ahold of alcohol, so how could they have a need to drink on a daily basis?
Most of the time teenagers are not daily drinkers, if they drink at all. If they do have alcohol with their friends, they’re occasional party-situation drinkers. Still, if you ask your teenager, they can all name one or two other teenagers who has a reputation for “always” being drunk.
Can Teens Be Alcoholics? Teen Blackout Drinking
These are the teens I worry about as a therapist. These are the teens who come back to school each Monday and tell everyone else about how they were “so f***ed up this weekend” that they can’t remember anything. They don’t realize this is blackout drinking. Blackout drinking has a very, very high correlation with future alcoholism.
These are the adolescents who don’t know how to stop. Every single time they drink, the only thing that stops them is their body. Oftentimes, they either start vomiting, or they pass out. Otherwise they are continuing to take shots, sip a beer, or have a some sort of mixed drink. When we ask, “Can teens be alcoholics?” we can all think of someone we knew in high school who was like this. Did they become an alcoholic? The girl I’m thinking of did. Thankfully, she’s now thriving in recovery, but her 20s were tough.
The Adolescent Who Needs Alcohol to Socialize
The teenagers who often develop alcoholism are the ones who don’t know how to be at a social gathering without alcohol. If they go bowling with friends, they bring something in a waterbottle. Likewise, if they go to a school dance, they mix rum in their cokes at the restaurant before the dance (One of my best friends in high school did this. Sadly, he ended up with an addiction problem). In addition, they also know where the after party will be held. They are completely convinced they are just being social, but they are actually developing a frightening alcohol dependency.
Most people who becomes daily drinkers start with binge drinking weekends while they are teenagers. Eventually, they binge drink every weekend. Moreover, they look for a “kickback” or party during the week from time to time. Before they realize it, they might steal just a few sips of mom and dad’s alcohol to relax at the end of a hard day. Finally, they are drinking daily.
When Is It Teen Alcoholism?
Teenagers can be completely dependent on alcohol. They can have physical withdrawals just like an adult can. Also, they can be addicted enough to need a physical detox under the supervision of a medical doctor. As with adults, teens can need rehab for alcoholism in some cases.
It’s really important to keep an eye on your teenager. If you notice they want to party all the time and seem restless when there isn’t a party, it’s reasonable to worry a little bit. If all the friends surrounding them use alcohol and have a cavalier attitude about it, it’s another reason to be concerned. Despite how easy it is to look the other way and just assume teenagers party, you can’t afford to be naive. Most teens that do party really only use alcohol once a month or so. Even then, those that do rarely drink to the point where they are throwing up or passing out. That tends to be reserved for the adolescents who are at high risk of addiction.
If this describes your child, I imagine you must feel very scared. Chiefly, it seems like all your efforts to control their behavior are fruitless. It is really overwhelming. Oftentimes this is the point at which getting professional help for your teen (if they will cooperate) and for yourself (especially if your teenager doesn’t comply with treatment) can be really important. There is a National Help Line for addicts and families of addicts. Find out more at https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline.
So, can teens be alcoholics? Sadly, yes they can. If you are facing this with your child, my heart goes out to you. But also know, there is always hope.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
It can be hard for teens to deal with anxiety on their own. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
When to Seek Therapy for Anxiety
If your teen is overwhelmed and anxious, it’s hard to watch as a parent. It makes you worry and feel concerned. You might start to wonder if you should have them see a therapist. It’s often hard for parents to know, “When does anxiety warrant therapy?”
Here’s some things to look out for that might help you know when it’s time to call a counselor:
1. Your teenager says they are struggling to get rid of their anxiety.
If they are anxious about a very specific, time-limited situation such as an exam, that’s one thing. However, if your teenager is worried about something very long-term such as school in general, then they are struggling to control their anxiety. In that case, calling a counselor is a great idea.
2. Therapy might help if your teenager is having trouble sleeping because of stress.
If your son or daughter tells you they can’t fall asleep, or can’t stay asleep because their mind won’t stop spinning, there are a couple things you can try with them. Have them write down a list of worries, and a 1-sentence plan for each concern before bed. Sometimes this helps people let things go enough to sleep. They can also try prayer, meditation, or reading before bed. All these things are distracting and calming. If your teenager feels completely overwhelmed at night though, and can’t seem to figure out how to stop it, it’s probably time to call a counselor.
3. Your teenager is having panic attacks anxiety therapy might be warranted.
Panic attacks are caused by a completely overwhelming sense of anxiety that is so severe it manifests as physical symptoms. The heart races, there can be tightness in the chest, a shortness of breath, sweating and hot flashes, and sometimes nausea and vomiting. This almost always requires the assistance of a therapist. Often panic disorder also requires the help of a psychiatrist (medication).
4. Your teenager is extremely uncomfortable in social situations.
Your teen analyzes everything they said to someone to make sure it didn’t come across as strange. They feel really nervous around their peers. They wish they had more friends, but can’t calm down enough to be themselves. Their mind freezes and they almost can’t remember how to talk in front of other teenagers. Social anxiety is upsetting and debilitating for a teenager. It’s very important for their psychological development to get them help in this case.
5. This one will seem obvious, but when your teen asks for help.
A lot of parents don’t take their adolescents seriously when they ask for counseling. They assume it’s just a phase, and maybe they want to try it because their friends do it too. While that is sometimes true, most of the time teenagers ask for help when they feel desperate. Perhaps your son or daughter has dealt with anxiety for awhile, and finally has the nerve to let you know.
Parenting is so hard sometimes. We all wish it came with a clear-cut instruction manual. I know I do! It can be difficult to know the answer to the question, “When does anxiety warrant therapy?” Instead we’re left constantly shifting and adjusting to the different personalities our children have, and the changing phases they go through. Parenting is more like a dance or an art than an exact science. There’s no one size fits all answer to most parenting questions, and when to get your child therapy is one of those questions. At the very least feel free to call and we can talk it over. Asking is always free.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
