Are you the same person with your family and with your friends? Consistency lowers anxiety. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
What do you do if your family is raising you to be a certain way, but your peers want you to be something else? Your family has taught you to be responsible, kind, caring, respectful, avoid curse words, tell the truth, be honorable, try hard in school, etc. Your peers are encouraging you to experiment with alcohol, marijuana, sex, and irresponsible behavior. Your peers think it’s fine to lie to your parents, use the f-word in every sentence, and complain about school. How do you reconcile these two very different environments when it’s no longer cool to stick with the morals your parents have instilled in you?
Living in this tension is a source of immense anxiety for some teens. They kind of go with the flow at school and around their friends, but in their hearts they’d rather be the person they are around their families. They feel guilt and sometimes shame. It’s very difficult to keep up an appearance of being a great kid in front of certain people, and the appearance of being an edgy kid in front of other people. After a while it is confusing and stressful.
It’s very normal for adolescents to try and discover their own identity until their mid-twenties. A teenager may come home with blue hair or a piercing; parents, don’t make this the end of the world. They’re trying on a new identity. Usually, as they get older they settle more into what they’ve always been taught.
In the meanwhile though, teenagers please remember that “normal” isn’t that great. Fitting in with kids who are going against what you believe is only going to cause internal angst. It takes a lot of emotional strength and fortitude to remain grounded in what is right, even for adults. As a teenager it is much more challenging. Teens are quick to give their peers a dirty look or a few harsh words when one of their friends doesn’t go along with everyone else. If you prefer not to drink at a party, you probably have to deal with a few condescending comments. Keep on track and don’t worry about what some drunk kid says about you; conformity doesn’t breed greatness.
Your overall anxiety will be lower if you are the same person in every situation. Here’s where parents can make a huge impact: model having integrity in every area of life, and stick with good morals. Parents, be the same person at work, home, in the dark and in the light. Your children will benefit immensely from watching your consistency.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Being mindful mean enjoying the present moment fully. Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Mindfulness is choosing to exist differently. It means you are very intentional about experiencing the present moment. You also have to experience it without self-judgement. It often looks like savoring your present moment and finding things to be grateful for. When you do these things, anxiety becomes secondary.
If I am being mindful right now, I will notice things around me that I was not thinking about even 30 seconds ago. I notice the air is a very comfortable temperature. I notice the leaves on the tree outside are gently shimmering in a slight breeze. I realize I feel comfortable sitting on this couch. I see the reflection of the window behind me on the computer screen. I accept that the reflection on the screen is an annoyance to me, but I am not upset with myself for feeling annoyed (experiencing without self-judgement). In this moment I am fully immersed in my surroundings and in writing this blog-post; I am being mindful.
Let me show you the difference in how this goes for me when I’m not choosing to be mindful. I am sitting at the computer annoyed that I am writing a blog-post on such a beautiful day. I just heard my phone alert me that I received a text message and now I am wrestling with the urge to go check the message. However, I want to hurry up and finish writing this before my daughter wakes up from her nap, so I don’t think I should get up and check the text-message. I feel my anxiety building up. I feel my stomach knotting slightly, and I just realized I’ve forgotten to breathe for the last few seconds because of the anxiety. I am simultaneously wondering what I should make for dinner and what time everyone will be hungry. My to-do list is running through my mind. Ultimately, I am not enjoying my moment.
What’s so sad about this is that I only get to live through this moment once in my entire life. I spend many moments full of anxiety because I am just not present, and I am moving too fast. Over time though, I’ve been working hard at being mindful and I have noticed my overall anxiety level diminishing. I am intentional about finding something to be grateful for, and something beautiful in every situation. It really works to reduce anxiety.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still days where anxious thoughts run amok and are extremely difficult to control. The wonderful thing about mindfulness though is that when that happens, mindfulness teaches us not to judge it. So I’m anxious, so what? I just sit in it and try not to worry about the fact that I’m worrying. You know we’ve all done that before! We admonish ourselves for worrying about something that is out of our control. We try desperately to talk ourselves out of how we feel, and then we end up more frustrated, and still full of anxiety. I’ve pretty much given up on this tactic and prefer to mindfully acknowledge that I’m anxious, and just let myself feel it.
I hope this helps you and/or your teenager next time anxiety overwhelms you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
The Bible has a lot to say about worry…namely that you shouldn’t. Here I share some words from Jesus that are truly wise when it comes to letting go of what you can’t control, and what you don’t need to try to control.
A relaxing morning reduces anxiety all day. Image courtesy of imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Living anxiety-free means actively making choices to have less stress. Everything about our lives is fast, and intense. We’re always trying to get ahead. We want the best grades for our teenagers so they can get into the best schools. We push them into a lot of extracurricular activities because we feel we have to. We work long hours and take short vacations. We start our mornings off all wrong.
How we start our day is one of the key factors to reducing anxiety. However, it is one that doesn’t get much attention. We don’t realize a slower start to the morning is key. We tend to fill our minds with a bunch of useless, negative junk while reciting our to-do list, and then hope to have a good day.
One thing a lot of people do is watch the news in the morning. It is rare to find a news program that discusses progress and positive events in tandem with the negative. Sometimes even the good things that happen are still spun in a negative way. It’s all meant to to increase the viewer’s anxiety so they’ll keep watching.
It is really important to realize that most of what is reported on is out of your control. Try and focus on what you can do something about, and leave the rest alone. Replace some of the news with looking outside at the beauty God has created, and take a minute to say thank you. Then you might remember that you live in an amazing place and are generally blessed.
Start your day with something positive and encouraging. Take time to read your bible, pray, call a friend, slowly enjoy your cup of coffee, or anything else that gives you a sense of calm. It has been said that your first ten minutes are a huge predictor of what kind of day you will have. If you begin your day with anxiety, then you are much more likely to feel anxious the whole day. Be very intentional about starting your day with something that leaves you feeling positive and energized. Help your teenagers do this as well. Make your teenager a good breakfast, have them sit down to eat, and be very pleasant if you sit with them. Do not talk to them about classes, a test they need to take, or anything else on their to-do list. Keep it light and positive.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
According to research, girls who play sports make better life-choices. Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Teen girls who play organized sports get into a lot less trouble. According to a large body of research (http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Not_Just_Another/) conducted in the last ten years, girls who play sports have substantially lower rates of risky behavior. Girls involved in athletics are less likely to try drugs or alcohol, have fewer sexual partners, and become sexually active later. There are increases in positive behaviors as well. Girls who play sports have higher GPAs, and higher rates of graduation. They have a more positive body image and higher self-esteem.
Athletics provide a sense of structure, accountability, and a group of friends. Exercise is very good for the mind and body, and it decreases rates of depression. Girls who play on their high school sports teams have a sense of belonging to the school. They tend to have more school pride, which leads to an increase in caring about their community.
Playing sports also reduces overall anxiety. There are instances where anxiety arises because of the pressure in sports, but for the most part it is helpful for the anxious teenager. Getting exercise, going outside, being with friends, and focusing on something intensely all helps lower anxiety. Besides that, sports are fun!
If your daughter has been struggling with self-esteem or is tempted by risky behavior, consider signing her up for a sport. It can make a huge difference. It gives you both something to talk about too. If you’re discussing the most recent track meet, you’re communicating. For many parents, communicating with their teenager is difficult. Sports provide an avenue for relationship.
Be careful not to put too much pressure on your child when they are playing their sport. There are very few high school athletes good enough to compete at the collegiate level. There are very few collegiate level athletes good enough to compete at the professional level. It is okay if your 13 year old daughter isn’t on the top team. It is much more important that she is having fun and making friends. Your top priority needs to be her character development, not her athletic career.
The bottom line is, getting her involved in a sport is good for her mental health, physical health, and social health.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hypervigilance is a common symptom after a trumatic event. Credit: freedigitalphotos.net/Graphics Mouse
I’ve been a therapist for a decade now. I’ve worked with teens in private practice for that entire duration. I’ve heard a lot of different stories, many of which involve trauma. I’ve noticed with trauma there is a natural tendency to incorrectly predict its effects on teens. Some parents overreact, and others are so overwhelmed that they downplay the significance of the traumatic event. For parents it’s a very helpless feeling when something horrific has happened to your child.
In 1926 a sweet baby girl was born to a young mother who was divorced with very few financial prospects in life. While this girl’s early life was pleasant and full of love from her mother, eventually things began to unravel. Her mother did not have enough money to care for her and she was placed into foster care. Finally her mother was able to get her back, but when the young girl was 7.5 years old, her mother had a psychotic break from reality. Her mother ended up diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. What was a young girl with no father and now no mother to do in the 1930’s? She was moved through foster cares and orphanages where she either felt alone and abandoned, or was sexually abused. Eventually she married the first guy she could find simply to put some stability in her life. Do you know whose story this is? It’s Marilyn Monroe. We all know the tragic ending her life took after three divorces and drug abuse struggles. By the age of 36 she had overdosed, and it was called a likely suicide.
This isn’t to say that if you’re child has experienced a trauma they will end up like Marilyn Monroe. What I am hoping to point out from her really sad story is that recurring trauma absolutely wears a person down. We all have some amount of resilience build into us, but if we come to the point that we expect to be battered by life again and again, we will look to whatever escape we can find. The tragic irony of this is that many of those escapes ultimately cause further trauma. An example of this is using drugs to escape the deep anxiety, sadness, shame and hopelessness caused by trauma. Over time though, being around people who use drugs means being exposed to people who resort to all means to obtain more drugs. Now there is increased risk for more traumatic exposure.
To heal from deep trauma there are many components. I will talk about only a couple of them here. One is having something reliable and unchanging. People die and places change, but God never changes. A deep, meaningful faith is really helpful to healing from trauma. Knowing there is still hope, still love, and still something to lean on is important. But, this is complicated because a lot of trauma survivors feels abandoned by God as they question how He could have let something awful occur in the first place. While there are good answers to these very important questions, it’s outside a therapist’s purview to answer them. I strongly encourage you to have this discussion with your own religious leaders as you try to seek answers.
Another extremely important element to healing from trauma is addressing and uncovering shame. Shame says, “I am bad,” for whatever happened. This is different from regret or some other similar emotion which says, “That event was bad.” Many trauma survivors feel the event was somehow their own fault. It takes some deep work to change this belief.
Overcoming trauma is extremely important. During a lifetime each and every one of us will experience deeply disturbing and upsetting circumstances. Some of us will be unlucky enough to witness death, have our own lives threatened, or see our own children hurt in unimaginable ways. Resilience is built into our psyches and our hearts, but it can be really hard to find it sometimes. If you worry about your teen’s reaction to trauma, please seek a professional opinion. Sometimes just one event can continue to traumatize its victim over and over again. At Teen Therapy OC we desperately want your adolescent to have a joy-filled life, not one full of fear, anxiety, shame and hypervigilance.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
