Wanting approval isn’t a bad thing unless it goes too far. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This post will not apply to every parent. Some of you have kids who are very comfortable with who they are. They seem relaxed and self-assured. What a blessing!
There are a large number of you though who have teens that really want approval. This can take on multiple forms. Some teens long for the approval of their peers. Others desperately want to hear “well done” from their parents. Wanting approval is not actually as bad as it sounds. It is part of what motivates teens to do their homework and chores, and to comb their hair. Sometimes though the desire for approval becomes excessive, and leads to anxiety or depression.
I have seen teens in counseling who wanted approval so badly that they developed eating disorders, tried drugs or alcohol, or became sexually active before they were ready. It is really important to recognize a teen who is trying too hard to be liked because sometimes it means they are making unhealthy choices. A lot of these teens actually do get a substantial amount of approval, but they do not feel it. Even when there is a lot of evidence to the contrary, these teens feel disliked or negatively judged. As a parent, what are you supposed to do in this situation?
One of the most important things you can do is to help your teen realize the meaning of that famous first line from Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life, “It is not about you.” Help your child gain some perspective. It is very hard for teens to remember that there is a world beyond their school and social group; expose your teen to it. Get them out into the community to serve someone else. Usually once a person dedicates some time and energy to others they stop focusing on themselves.
A second thing to try is not allowing your teen to voice the things they dislike about themselves if those things are unreasonable. Do not let your 3.5 GPA student tell you they are stupid, and do not let your normally sized daughter tell you she is fat. Learn to respond only when your child is honest about themselves. One thing we do in therapy is stop believing everything we feel. What I mean by this is that a teen will tell me, “I feel like nobody likes me.” Once we establish that there are in fact people who like the teen, we no longer allow that to be said. Instead the teen has to tell the truth, which is, “I feel disliked by some people.”
Try these two tips for approval-seeking teens. If your teen’s desire to be liked is overwhelming your teen, and you for that matter, call for help. There is often a way to change their focus. Sometimes you need help to help them too. Most parents, even the very best parents, have tried a number of different ways to encourage their adolescent without success. Sometimes a little tune-up makes a big difference.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Exercise is a critical factor in managing your anxiety. Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It is very, very important to take good care of yourself physically. You already know this though. What you probably also already know, but maybe haven’t been thinking about, is how critical it is to exercise. As a whole, we Americans like to procrastinate exercise. We generally don’t do it often enough, or with enough intensity.
Did you know that if you set aside 30-60 minutes to exercise, you will actually get more done during your day? That seems odd because by time you exercise and then shower, 2 hours are used up. It’s true though. Your ability to focus and stay on task is greatly increased with exercise. Your ability to push through a work-out you don’t feel like doing also increases the mental toughness needed to get other things done. When you exercise regularly you aren’t just flexing your physical muscles. You learn to have more will power. It takes will power to jog up the hill that is seemingly never going to end. It even takes will power to get up off the couch and get your running shoes on. Forcing yourself to do so when it’s not really what you want to do is a form of discipline. It teaches self-denial.
Self-denial (in a healthy dose) is extremely important for anxiety management. When you learn to do more of what you should do instead of what you feel like doing, your life is usually headed in a direction that you choose. This means you have more control. The antidote to anxiety is a sense of control.
Consistent exercise not only releases chemicals into the brain that are calming and pleasant, it also teaches discipline and self-control. It is a critical factor in the alleviation of anxiety. It is also an important part of time management. So, to help get your anxiety under wraps, hop on your bike, jump in a pool, or go for a stroll. Do this several times a week and watch what happens. Oh, and you also just might find you end up enjoying yourself.
When you think about how to specifically apply this to your teenagers, think social. Teens (as a generalization) love to be around their friends. Help them figure out a way to get in a work-out with a couple friends. Maybe they can join the same gym as their best friend, or organize a common goal with their friends. When I was in college a couple of friends and I set-up a work-out plan. We were only able to exercise together a couple times per week, but we held each other accountable for the rest of the time. It made a big difference in our ability to stick with it. I still think this is because we enjoyed the social aspect of doing it together more than anything else.
Exercise is a great, healthy coping skill for anxiety and stress. You can model this for your teenager and invite them to join you. You may or may not get a yes, but they are definitely paying attention to how you handle your stress.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Do you ever feel like you can’t find a good solution for a problem? You’ve tried and you’ve tried to fix something but it continues to challenge you. One example of this might be losing weight. You’ve tried a lot of diets and exercise plans, but you simply cannot lose the weight, or you cannot keep it off. Here’s a tip for getting “unstuck” wherever you are.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Anxiety sucks! It’s the constant worry about things out of one’s control. It can be physical too. Do you ever have those days where your body is irritated or agitated for no good reason?
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
This past week I met with a psychologist who specializes solely in the treatment of anxiety disorders. He had some really interesting things to say, and I paraphrased a couple of them in this video. The bottom line though is that you CAN’T give up when you’re facing down fears. You really can get through it, even though it feels impossible.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
