by Lauren Goodman | Mar 5, 2024 | Teen Grief and Loss Counseling
Delayed Grief in Teenagers Years Later
Grief can show up at different times. Delayed grief in teenagers may appear long after a loss, often when they reach a major milestone or experience another big change in their lives. While grief often comes in waves soon after a loss, it can reemerge years later in ways that feel unexpected. Delayed grief can be described as acute grief that resurfaces long after the loss itself.
An Adolescent Grief Story
It’s now been years since her mom died. She can still remember those final days. There was so much waiting. She felt a sickening sense of inevitability that almost made her impatient for it to end. Then, when it finally came, it was both horrible and strangely relieving. Her mom had been sick for so long. She expected the waves of grief that came afterward. Everyone had told her they would. They promised to check in on her and reminded her that she could cry whenever she needed to. She found that both comforting and intrusive.
Now she’s eight years older. She’s close to finishing high school. She has a steady group of friends, a place at a college this fall, and has blossomed into a beautiful and poised young woman, even without her mom there to guide her through day-to-day life. So why, she wonders, is she suddenly experiencing a depth of grief that feels as fresh as if her mom just died?
What Do the Experts Say About Delayed Grief in Teenagers?
Jazmine, our therapist who specializes in grief and loss in adolescents, notes that people often experience delayed grief when they reach major milestones in their lives. The young woman described above is about to graduate high school. This milestone marks the transition from childhood to adulthood. It is an event that most children want their parents to witness.
On top of that, the transition out of childhood can feel foreign, exciting, scary, and overwhelming. Teenagers like knowing they have a safe place where they can retreat to the comforts of childhood when adulting feels exhausting. In this situation, it makes sense that this young woman is longing for her mother.
Our Relationships With Loved Ones Continue
The part that confuses this young woman is why she suddenly longs for a mother she only knew as a child. What many teenagers (and adults) experiencing delayed grief is that their relationship with the person they lost has continued. In this girl’s case, she has never stopped loving her mom. She still talks to her. She still has a sense that her mom would be proud of her or is watching over her from time to time. Her relationship with her mother is still part of who she is.
Although her dad doesn’t talk about her mom as much as she’d like, she continues to learn new things about her through her grandparents. Throughout high school, she has created a sense of her mom in her life through her own memories, stories other people have shared, and even the things she loves about her friends’ moms.
When you look at it this way, it’s natural that she is experiencing delayed grief in teenagers as she prepares for such a major change in her life. Jazmine also tells us this young woman may experience grief again when she finishes college, gets married, has children of her own, or faces another major loss or difficult time.
Delayed Grief Years Later
Grief is long. With time and distance from the loss, it can change from pain so intense that you can barely breathe into a dull ache that is easier to set aside. Grief can become something we learn to live with rather than something we simply get over.
Hopefully, learning to live with grief gives us wisdom and strength instead of bitterness and anger. While grief is a universal human experience, not all teenagers have experienced this. This means they have fewer people who know what to say or how to support them through a loss.
That’s where grief therapy can help. If your teenager is dealing with acute grief or delayed grief in teenagers that has reemerged after a long period of time, please feel free to call. We’re happy to talk with you about what your teen is experiencing and help you decide whether therapy might be a good fit.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Feb 16, 2024 | Teen Grief and Loss Counseling
Is it Teen Grief or Depression?
More than a few times I’ve seen clients come in for therapy unsure if what they are suffering is teen grief or depression. It is reasonable to be confused by this because they can feel very similar. When your teenager loses someone close, life turns upside down. When this happens, teens feel as if life loses its meaning. Likewise, depression takes away clarity about the meaning of life. Because of this confusion, depression and grief can be hard to differentiate.
Can it be Both Depression and Grief?
The short answer is, yes, sometimes. If your teenager was already depressed, grief can layer on top. However, if the depression wasn’t present before the loss, we don’t diagnose depression while an adolescent is bereaved. For the first two months after a major loss, therapists and psychiatrists do not typically diagnose Major Depressive Disorder. The timing of depression is one of the ways clinicians differentiate between depression and grief in teens (and all people actually).
What is a “Typical” Progression of Grief?
After one to three months, most teens feel their grief shift. While the loss is forever life-altering, teenagers tend to establish their new normal. They began to laugh again. They start to reengage with friendships. If they are coping with the death of a parent, they start to align closely with the other parent or guardian. Of course, there are still times when grief floods over them until they feel debilitating sorrow, but these instances became less and less frequent.
Please don’t read this and start thinking, “Oh no! There’s something wrong with the way my teen is grieving,” if their process doesn’t match this blog post. Every single person is different. So, while I can tell you what happens with a lot of teen grief scenarios, it doesn’t necessarily mean depression if your teenager is different.
Which is Which?
For some teenagers, the initial grief never lets up. They continue to walk through life feeling nearly numb after the death of the loved one. One teenager I saw wasn’t engaging in any part of life a full year after she lost her dad. She barely got out of bed, combed her hair, or completed any schoolwork. At this point, the grief had crossed into Major Depressive Disorder. The grief triggered the depression episode as she had been a well-adjusted teen before his death. However, she could not shake the brain fog, heart-wrenching crying spells, and confusion that came over her within hours of his death.
In this client’s case, her bereavement had become so complicated that she fit the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder. This is partially because of how long she was in this state. Without treatment for adolescent depression versus treatment for only grief, she may have continued to languish.
What is the Difference Between Teen Grief and Depression?
Grief and depression feel similar. They both involve pervasive feelings of sadness. They both can suppress the body’s energy. Both grief and loss take away interest in activities that are normally enjoyable. They both create a sense of hopelessness and exhaustion. In contrast, grief tends to let up with time. As one priest put it, “Grief is love with no place to go.” Depression is a shutting down of the whole system. As the love slowly finds new people, ways to honor a memory, and is shared with others who also miss the deceased, active grief becomes integrated. Depression can’t do this. Depression is lonely. It tends to be an absence of joy.
What Can I Do?
Talk to your teen. Find out what they are thinking and feeling as best you can. Ask if they would like to talk with someone. Find out if they feel stuck. And, if you feel stuck in how to help them, please feel free to call. Even if you aren’t sure about beginning counseling right now, at TTOC it’s always a therapist who answers the phone or calls you back. We take a lot of 10-15 minute phone calls where we listen and talk about possible steps even for people who don’t end up booking an appointment. In fact, sometimes we recommend you watch and wait before deciding on therapy. In the case of teen grief versus teen depression, this very well could be the recommendation. We are just happy to support you wherever you are in your process.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
