by Lauren Goodman | Apr 25, 2016 | Uncategorized
Skype therapy works really well for teens.
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How well does teletherapy work with teenagers? The answer: It depends.
Some adolescents can do internet counseling sessions very effectively and others do not do as well. There are a lot of teens who benefit from videoconferencing sessions just as much as the traditional face to face sessions. I have found this format to be great for many of my clients because of how busy their families are. For some, getting to the office every single week is too much of a challenge. Taking the time out to drive to and from the office for sessions is really difficult. This is particularly true when there are other kids in the family who have commitments like soccer practices, tutoring, etc. For the teen to be able to do their sessions from home is helpful to the whole family.
It actually simplifies the scheduling process as well. It is much easier to find an appointment time that works. Therapists keep specific office hours. For example, I only work Thursdays and Fridays in the office. However, I do internet sessions any day of the week except Sundays. If your adolescent has school, sports, time with friends, etc., it’s nice for them not to have to miss an activity in order to make their therapy appointment.
Are you wondering whether your teenage son or daughter will benefit from online counseling sessions? What are the answers to the following five questions?
- Is your teenager conversational? In other words, do they speak readily?
- Does your adolescent want counseling?
- Can your teenager pay attention?
- Is your teen moderately comfortable with technology?
- Can your adolescent find a private place for their sessions for an hour at a time?
If you answered yes to all five questions, your adolescent very likely will do well in the online setting.
I have been working with clients using telemedicine since 2010. The clients who have worked in this format have actually had a better continuity of care. I know that seems counter-intuitive, but the reason this is the case is that they are able to have a session when they need it at any point in life. Some clients have gone off to college. They are able to begin therapy and then continue while they are at school without interruption. I have had clients who have moved away but they still request a session from time to time. Basically it creates a relationship between client and therapist that can last longer because the therapist is accessible even if the client’s circumstances have changed.
If you know your teen needs help and you either live out of the area, you just don’t know how you’ll have the time to make one more appointment, or you just feel comfortable with videoconferencing sessions, this is a great option for you. Please give me a call and we’ll talk about how this can work for you and your teenager.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Apr 16, 2016 | Uncategorized
Parents who nitpick their teens can hurt the relationship.
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Some parents nitpick their kids. It’s in an effort to help them become a good adult, but there are negative consequences for the child. Teenagers who are nitpicked feel they cannot please their parents. They get so frustrated that they either rebel or shut-down. It feels hopeless to them.
I have worked with teens who deal with parents that just won’t let up on them. When I ask they parents what is good about the child they start with something good, and still find a way to make it a back-handed compliment. In those cases the teenager looks at me during their therapy session and seems to be shutting down. Once the parent has left the room the teenager often confides that they just don’t care anymore.
If you feel your teenager is never really trying hard enough, is too sassy all the time, and is generally defiant, it’s important to look at the relationship between the two of you. Possibly your teen is all those things and you are the nicest parent in the entire world. There’s another possibility though that you are incredibly difficult to please. Your teen has become defiant because they never can really meet your standard. You would answer me that they can if they would only do X, Y and Z, but your teenager doesn’t believe it anymore. Your adolescent would tell me that even if they did X, Y and Z you would think they could’ve done it better.
If this describes the relationship you have with your child, it’s important to start making changes right away. Don’t lose the closeness you can have with your teens because they find you difficult and you find them rude. Work at having fun with them! Think really carefully about whether the things you worry about matter as much as you think they do. As parents we fear that if our kids aren’t shaped the right way we’ve somehow failed to make them into responsible adults. There is some truth to that, but there are lots of ways to achieve responsibility. Parents who nitpick tend to lack flexibility. They have one idea of who their teenager is supposed to be, and they have a really difficult time letting their teen be anything else.
Yes, you need to require respectful behavior from your child. However, consistently making negative comments about what they eat, how they dress, who they’re friends with, how they played that last sports game, etc. will just drive them away. If anything they might get defensive because they feel personally attacked. When that happens you’ll possibly interpret it as back-talking. Then you’ll think they don’t respect you and your teen will think you don’t approve of them. That’s not a fun cycle at all!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Apr 14, 2016 | Uncategorized
Being happy means knowing it’s not about you.
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Teenagers are constantly telling each other not to care what other people think and not to worry about fitting-in. They are also constantly telling one another to focus on what’s inside. They have a “You only live once” attitude. They are encourage each other to pursue what feels good in the moment in pursuit of happiness.
As parents we are tell our teens that their future is what’s important. We are on them about their grades, their conduct, their reputation and their attitude. We tell them, “We just want you to be happy,” but then we don’t let them play video games until 2 am on a school night even though that makes them happy. Somehow we know that’s not good for them even though it makes them happy.
So, who has it right? Are the teenagers right who think you should do whatever feels good right now? Are we parents right, who think living should be for our future happiness and goals? Could be both be wrong?
If you live only for right now then everything is momentarily gratifying. It actually takes bigger and bigger items/activities for the same emotional high. While buying your child a candy bar made them happy once, kids who get to gratify every whim now need a new car for that same feeling the candy bar used to give them. Stupid decisions can be made with the momentary gratification attitude as well. A teenager might have sex with someone they don’t love, try drugs or alcohol, or cheat on a test at school.
If you live only for your future you will also be unhappy. What a waste to have all the gifts of youth, and enjoy none of them. When is the last time you could sprint after your friend while laughing hysterically and not get winded or sore? When is the last time you could go out tanning without worrying about skin cancer? When is the last time it sounded like fun to get a block of ice and slide down a long grass hill while trespassing at midnight? You can’t be so focused on setting up your future that you miss everything in front of you.
Now that we’ve exhausted the two most common ways people try to become happy, what’s left? What I am going to propose would be a major shift in your teenager’s thinking. In order to effect that kind of shift, it will have to start with you. Firstly, start seeking out opportunities to serve others. Stop teaching your child that becoming the best athlete or the most popular cheerleader is important. None of that is lasting, and it is quite a fragile foundation. That leads to the second important piece of happiness.
It is your job to help your teenager know why they’re here on earth. If you teach your teenager that their purpose is to attain status and things because that’s how you live your life, then that’s what they’ll pursue. It will start with an immovable belief that their life is worthless if they aren’t accepted to Stanford, UCLA or whatever other top-notch college. That’s a sign that you’ve misguided your child on their purpose. Their purpose has to be a selfless, timeless cause. In our household that purpose is to be a dedicated follower of Jesus Christ. We assume that out of that will come a good work ethic, servant-leader mentality, compassionate heart, driven and focused attitude, and happy child. If you don’t choose to go the faith-based route, choose something else that’s bigger than yourself. Don’t be your own cause; it’s selfish and uninteresting. The happiest teens are the ones who know how to give of themselves to others.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
