How Do You Get Along Better With Your Teen?
“How do I get along better with my teen?” As a therapist for teens, I hear parents ask this question all the time. Sometimes figuring out how to get along better with your teen feels impossible. However, while you will never get along perfectly, there are a few things you can do to improve your relationship with them.
Why Parents and Teens Struggle to Get Along
There are many reasons parents and teens argue. I hear explanations ranging from hormones to bad friends, and teens often believe the problem is their parents. The truth is, conflict usually comes from many factors working together.
Teens are sometimes rude or unreasonable, especially when they’re angry. However, it’s easier to fix your own behavior than theirs.
How Being Too Critical Hurts Connection
One common issue I see is criticism. Sometimes parents offer a compliment, but quickly follow it with a negative comment. For example, “You look nice today, even if that skirt is a little short.” Even small moments like this add up. Sometimes the criticism isn’t spoken—it’s shown through actions, like re-cleaning a kitchen right after your teen finishes and says they’re done.
Most parents who do this aren’t conscious of it. However, these small criticisms can make your teen defensive, leading to more fights. In addition to this, if your teen feels constantly criticized they may just shut down.
How to Get Along Better with Your Teen by Focusing on What Your Teen Does Right
Parents often focus on fixing what isn’t going well and forget to point out what is going well. Imagine your teen brings home a report card with all As and Bs and one C. It’s easy to focus on the C, but if you do, your teen will feel your disappointment. This can make them defensive, or leave them feeling hurt or disappointed in themselves. Recognizing their effort and success helps build trust and motivation.
Giving Loving Correction Without Damaging Trust
If you’ve noticed that you’re being too critical, the next step is figuring out how to correct your teen without tearing them down. A helpful question to ask yourself is: How would I want to hear this if I were in their place? Think about what would actually help you learn, instead of making you feel discouraged.
How to Get Along Better with Your Teen by Remembering the Bigger Picture
Remember that when you’re correcting your teen, the main goal is teaching them to function as an adult. Helping your teen learn responsibility and how to take correction is far more important than winning any single argument.
For example, many parents struggle with criticizing the way their teen plays sports. They feel like they need to push their teen to play better and practice more—they want their teen to be the best. However, the point of sports is to learn how to focus, give your best, keep a good attitude on the field, and respect authority. The point is not to create the next superstar athlete; those athletes have a passion for their sport that parents don’t need to force.
Serving Your Teen in Meaningful Ways
If you want to get along better with your teen, look for ways to serve them emotionally, not just practically. Parents already do a lot of practical service—driving, paying for activities, and managing schedules. Emotional service means noticing your teen’s needs and responding with care. One teen shared that she respected her mom because her mom paid attention to what mattered to her, like bringing a healthy snack after practice when she knew her daughter would be tired and hungry.
Simple Steps to Get Along Better With Your Teen
This week, try two things if you want to get along better with your teen. First, notice how often criticism slips into your words or actions and try to speak with more kindness. Second, look for small ways to serve your teen thoughtfully. These changes may feel small, but over time they can greatly improve your relationship.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT