Learning to Forgive Yourself After a Serious Mistake
Learning to forgive yourself can be hard.
Fifteen years ago, a 16-year-old boy was approached by an acquaintance at school (we’ll call him John). The 16-year-old had a reputation as the kid to go to if you wanted to try a new drug. John sought him out and asked if they could hang out after school. When the time came, John worked up the courage to ask, “Do you think I could try heroin with you?”
The 16-year-old liked John. He told him, “No. Some people can’t just use it once. You could become addicted immediately.” John replied, “Look, I’m going to try heroin. Would you rather it be with you, where at least you know the drug is good? Or would you rather I get it from someone else?” The 16-year-old sighed and took out a syringe. Together they got high. John fell completely in love with the euphoria and never got off the drug. By age 22, he was dead.
The 16-year-old is now 31. He cannot forgive himself for what happened. When he talks about it, his eyes fill with tears. He is haunted by two questions. First, “What if I had stuck with my no? Maybe he wouldn’t have made the effort to get it somewhere else.” Second, “Why did he die and not me? He was a good kid who wanted to live. I was a drug dealer who didn’t care whether I lived or died.”
Why Learning to Forgive Yourself Is So Difficult
How do you forgive yourself for a mistake that feels unforgivable? How do you move forward when you believe your bad choice caused so much suffering? This question has plagued humanity for thousands of years. While there are many answers, two stand out as especially helpful: repentance and self-compassion.
The Role of Repentance
Repentance is a religious concept, but it can be applied in a non-religious context as well. If a person sins against God, they admit what they have done and turn away from it. It is not enough to simply say, “I was wrong and I’m sorry.” There must be a genuine effort to change so the behavior is not repeated.
Going a step further, true repentance often includes helping others avoid the same mistakes. Christianity teaches repentance, but many other faiths emphasize it as well. Even from a secular perspective, most people would agree that taking responsibility for harmful behavior and actively working to change can be an important part of self-forgiveness.
Learning to Forgive Yourself Through Self-Compassion
The second part of self-forgiveness is self-compassion. In psychology, self-compassion is often associated with Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It requires a person to understand the many factors that contributed to a poor decision.
In the case of the 16-year-old, he was using drugs to numb PTSD caused by severe childhood abuse. Those drugs affected his judgment and decision-making. John also made many choices that led him to seek out heroin. Experiences in John’s life contributed to his belief that he could handle trying the drug.
When you make a mistake, it’s important to understand the external factors. It doesn’t excuse what happened, but it does provide context. Knowing this can help you take the first step towards learning to forgive yourself.
Self-Compassion Is Not the Same as Excusing Behavior
It is important not to confuse self-compassion with making excuses. Many people today are quick to blame all of their problems on outside circumstances. The reality is that our lives are shaped by both external factors and personal choices.
Healthy self-compassion acknowledges the factors that influenced a bad decision while still accepting responsibility for that decision. It says, “I understand why I made that choice, and I am committed to making a better one in the future.”
Learning to Forgive Yourself and Move Forward
The combination of repentance and self-compassion allows a person to move forward. Together, they provide the balance of responsibility and grace that is necessary for healing. Repentance helps us acknowledge our mistakes and change course. Self-compassion helps us recognize our humanity and understand how those mistakes happened in the first place.
As a therapist who mainly sees teens, I would like to add this. If you are the parent of a teen, help your teenager learn this lesson by practicing it yourself. Let your teen see you take responsibility for your mistakes while also extending grace and mercy to yourself. In doing so, you model a healthy path forward—one that combines accountability, growth, and forgiveness.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,