Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net/photostock
Are You Listening to Your Teen?
Are you listening to your teen? I mean, truly listening—not while scrolling your phone or stirring dinner, but giving them your full attention. Do you set everything down, look them in the eyes, and try to understand what they’re saying?
What Therapy Can Offer—And What You Can Too
Therapy can offer a lot to teens, but one of the most powerful benefits is actually something you can do for them at home. What is it? Simply giving your teen your full, focused attention. It’s hard to listen sometimes. Sadly, we live in a world full of things trying to distract us. However, we can choose not to give these things our attention.
What Listening to Your Teen Looks Like
When a teen comes into therapy to talk about something that’s bothering them, they can feel that I’m fully present. This is how they want you to listen to them too. Don’t fold laundry, leave the TV or music on, or examine your fingernails or clothes while they’re talking to you. Respond to what they’re telling you. Try saying, “Really! What happened?” or “No way,” or “That must have been really hard.” Match the emotion in their words—even if they don’t show much emotion outwardly themselves. If they tell a sad story with a straight face, respond with compassion anyway. That’s how they know you care.
The Power of Listening to Your Teen—No Training Needed
Of course, therapy involves more than just listening. I’ve spent years learning tools and techniques through reading, training, supervision, and reviewing my sessions. These are skills I’ve practiced over time—just like you’ve developed your own strengths and expertise in your career or everyday life. However, listening is one thing you can do without training. You just have to remember to set down what your doing, pause the music or TV, look directly at your teen instead of other things, and listen to your teen patiently and completely. Also, don’t plan how to respond to your teen while they’re talking to you. Just listen.
Being Tactful
Listening well makes teens feel seen, heard, and respected. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, and it doesn’t mean you can’t share your opinion. However, you have to choose the right moment. Being tactful means knowing when to offer your thoughts. Being tactful is especially important when listening to your teen. Try to listen more than you talk. Most importantly, when they open up, keep the conversation centered on them—not on your experiences or how you would handle it. In other words, try to hear them instead of making them hear you.
What Being Tactful Looks Like
And make sure you don’t offer you’re opinion at the wrong time or too often. It might come across like you’ve just been waiting to share your thoughts instead of trying to understand theirs. Or that you think their problem is easy to solve and they should’ve figured it out themselves. Even if that’s not what you mean, that’s often how it feels to them. And if they disagree with your suggestion, don’t shut the conversation down or tell them they’re being unreasonable. Let them explain why they see things differently. Most importantly, when you do share your opinion, make sure your tone is warm and open.
Your Superpower As A Parent
However, you have a huge advantage—your teen wants you to hear them. They may not say it out loud. In fact they might seem like they don’t want your advice. However, I promise deep down your teen really cares about you listening to them and what you think. In fact, your teen cares more about you listening to them than anyone else on the planet. It might not always feel that way, but your interest in what they think and feel means more than anything a therapist, teacher, or coach thinks. Those people matter—but you’re their number one.
Just Listen
So, Mom or Dad—whoever is reading this—please take the time to really listen to your teen. It shows them how much you care. Set your phone down, leave your to-do list for later, and let go of the urge to plan how you’ll respond to them. Just listen. That quiet, focused presence can go a long way.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
