Helping Your Kids Get Along
Sibling relationships among teenagers can look very different from one family to another. I’ve seen siblings who are best friends and others who seem to be bitter enemies. Most sibling relationships fall somewhere in the middle.
If your children are close, consider yourself lucky! You may have also done things to help them build a strong bond. Either way, it’s wonderful to see your kids love and enjoy one another.
If your children don’t get along, their personalities may be part of the reason. Sometimes siblings naturally clash no matter what their parents do. In other cases, there are steps you can take to help improve their relationship.
1. Let Them Be Different
It’s important to let your children be themselves. They won’t perform equally well in school, sports, or social situations. Each child has their own strengths and weaknesses.
Help each child improve in areas where they struggle while encouraging them to grow their strengths. Most importantly, avoid comparing your children to one another. Most kids already compare themselves to their siblings, so hearing those comparisons from a parent can make things worse.
When children feel accepted for who they are, they have less reason to compete for approval. This can help create healthier sibling relationships.
2. Give Each Child Their Own Interests and Time With You
It can be helpful for siblings to share some things while having other things that belong just to them. This includes possessions, sports, friends, goals, and time with their parents.
One-on-one time with each parent is especially important. Try to plan fun activities with each child individually. This doesn’t mean driving them to sports practice. It could mean going on a hike, playing mini golf, or doing something else you both enjoy.
Giving each child individual attention helps them feel valued. It can also reduce competition and support better sibling relationships.
3. The Oldest Sibling Is Not a Third Parent
Older siblings aren’t responsible for their younger siblings’ happiness or behavior. Unfortunately, this is an issue I often see come up in therapy. Older siblings often feel it’s their job to keep a younger brother or sister on track. When the younger child makes poor choices, the older sibling steps in and tries to act like a parent. In counseling, we work on helping older siblings understand that their role is to be a big brother or big sister, not another parent.
Younger siblings often need someone they can trust, talk to, and learn from. An older sibling can offer support and perspective without taking responsibility for every decision the younger child makes. Clear boundaries can help protect sibling relationships and allow both children to enjoy being siblings.
4. Build Trust to Strengthen Sibling Relationships
Avoid making your children spy on one another or report every little mistake to you. Of course, if one child is doing something dangerous such as using drugs, it’s important for you to know. Safety should always come first. However, asking siblings to report every small problem can create an environment of mistrust. Children may start to see each other as opponents instead of family members they can rely on.
It’s also important to give older siblings some freedom from younger ones. While it can be nice for an older child to include a younger sibling sometimes, it shouldn’t be expected every time. I grew up with a close friend who was required to bring her younger siblings everywhere. We never got to hang out without them. Even though we liked the younger kids, sometimes our friend group just wanted time on our own.
Allowing siblings to have separate friendships and activities gives them room to grow as individuals. It can also help them appreciate the time they do spend together.
Sibling Relationships Can Improve Over Time
Creating a loving family where siblings get along can be a challenge. Sometimes, closeness comes naturally. Other times, parents have to work hard to help their children build a stronger bond. And in some families, even the best efforts don’t lead to an especially close relationship during childhood.
Still, there’s reason to have hope. Siblings who struggle to get along as children still frequently develop a special closeness as adults. Sibling relationships can teach valuable life skills, including patience, handling frustration, working together, resolving disagreements, setting boundaries, building friendships, and sharing. These lessons are important long after childhood. Even when siblings don’t always get along, learning to respect one another can help them build healthier relationships throughout their lives.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT