Low Teen Self-Esteem
Sadly, many teens have low self-esteem. They measure how good they think they are by how good others think they are. Not only this, but teens with low self-esteem believe others are thinking poorly of them, even when this is not the case. Low teen self-esteem causes teens to think another’s comment or action is an insult when really it means nothing. Self-esteem is something nearly everyone struggles with to some extent, and teens especially tend to think badly of themselves.
Symptoms of Low Teen Self-Esteem
They might seem wrapped up in how they look or being the best at sports. However, the only reason they are acting this way is because they think if they can look perfect or be the best at something everyone will love them. Why do they want everyone to love them? Because they can’t love themselves unless other people love them.
Why Teens Act This Way
Low teen self-esteem also causes them to get more embarrassed or to have their feelings hurt more easily. This is because deep down they’re expecting to be disliked by everyone. Worse yet, most teens think they deserve to be disliked. Many teens go through this, but for most people it starts to fade as they grow up. Why? First, as teens get older their emotions become steadier. Second, they’ll start to shape their identity. This helps them become more secure in who they are because they aren’t relying on others to shape their identity for them. However, few fully conquer the fear of what others think.
Consequences of Low Teen Self-Esteem
If teen self-esteem is low enough, teens can have severe anxiety. They are so worried about what others think that many teens prefer to stay at home where they know they will be accepted. The more they avoid potentially embarrassing situations, the more their anxiety will grow. Sometimes, the anxiety is bad enough to warrant therapy. If your teen seems overly anxious, give me a call. I’m happy to talk with you about your child’s situation.
How to Improve Teen Self-Esteem
There are some key things for your teen to think about when improving self-esteem. But before you share these things with them, they have to be willing to work on improving their self-confidence. Don’t tell your teen they have poor self-esteem, just tell them to keep these things in mind.
- What people think of me can’t actually harm me.
- Most of the time I think other people are thinking poorly of me, they actually aren’t even thinking about me at all.
- I should do what I think is fun, not what is popular, even if I think it will make other people think I’m weird. Once I start doing it, I’ll be glad I did.
Finding Acceptance in Jesus
If you are a Christian family, encourage your teen to think about Jesus when they start to worry about what others think. Tell them what God thinks of them is more important than what other people think of them. And God will always accept and love them, even when people don’t. Some teens might hear you say this and just think it’s another cliche, something all Christian parents tell their kids. However, some teens will hear this, and the idea will take root in their brain and in their heart. Keep repeating it, even if it seems like your teen isn’t paying attention.
The True Cure to Low Teen Self-Esteem
Caring about what God thinks instead of what people think is the only real cure to low teen self-esteem. The other things I mentioned will help, but Jesus is the only way to completely eliminate low self-esteem. Think about it like pulling out weeds from a garden. The weeds threaten to take over the garden, just like low self-confidence threatens to take over your teen’s life. The suggestions I gave above are like pulling off the tops of the weeds; it will help for a while, but eventually the weeds will grow back. Jesus pulls up low self-esteem by the roots.
Don’t Replace Low Teen Self-Esteem with Pride
This doesn’t mean you should tell your teen that they’re perfect. And make sure they don’t start to think that either. Instead, they should value themselves for who they are, whether they are popular or not. If you’re a Christian family, remind your teen of this: Jesus saw them as someone worth dying for, even with their failings. It doesn’t mean they don’t have any failings; it means God loves them anyway.
Wrapping Up
Tell your teen that if they start to worry about what others think, suppress the urge. It will be hard at first, but eventually it will become more natural. Eventually, they will pretty much stop worrying about what people think completely. If you and your family are not Christian, consider attending church as a family. I have seen Jesus transform the way people view themselves from the inside out. Otherwise, just tell your teen to remember the three things I listed above. Most importantly, believe in them. They can do it!
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” –Philippians 4:7
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
