Pros and Cons 

If your teen wants to party, you have a problem on your hands. In one sense, it’s good that people invite your teen to parties because it shows they have friends and are socially included. However, every other aspect of this situation is bad.  

What Should You Do? 

In this blog, when I say “party” I’m referring to a house full of teens with no parents, lots of loud music, alcohol, and possibly drugs. When your teen wants to participate in that, what do you do? 

Forbidding Your Teen to Party 

If you know ahead of time that your teen intends to go to a party like this, your initial reaction is probably to completely forbid it. However, this will only work if you have a strong bond with your teenager. If you do, they’ll grudgingly listen to you and accept the alternatives you offer. However, if your relationship with your teen is not super strong, this can sometimes make the situation worse.

What to Do if You Forbid It 

Don’t show anger at your teen’s desire to go to a party; offer to send them and a friend to the movies or something similar instead. That way they have an excuse they can give their friends about why they aren’t going. You don’t want them to say, “My mom won’t let me go” because then their friends will start to criticize you. You probably don’t care what their friends think of you, and I wouldn’t either. The issue is over time your teen’s thinking will be affected by these criticisms. 

When Not to Forbid Your Teen to Party

If you aren’t as close with your adolescent, forbidding them to party will just cause your teen to lie to you. They’ll tell you they’re going to Jeff’s (we’ll use the name Jeff as an example) house and then they’ll go to the party instead. You could call Jeff’s parents to make sure your teen is where they say they’ll be. Some parents resort to checking on their teens in this way. However, that shows a mistrust of your teen and isn’t great for your relationship with them. 

What to Do Instead of Forbidding Your Teen to Party

Try telling your teen, “I trust you to go where you say you’ll be.  If you find yourself leaving Jeff’s for another situation, please let me know. I trust you are a good enough kid to make the right decisions, especially if you’re confronted with drugs or alcohol.” Let them know that you’ll continue to extend them this trust as long as they don’t break it. Whatever you do, do not convey that you are doing your teen a favor. Express that you genuinely trust your teenager, and you’d be surprised and hurt to find out they have broken your trust. 

How to Set Limits on Your Teen’s Partying

For those of you who know for certain that your teen is partying and breaking the law (underage drinking and/or drug use), you must set enforceable limits. Do not set limits you cannot enforce. For example, you can forbid your child to date a certain person, but how can you know who they’re seeing at school? You can’t tell your child they are not allowed to attend a party.  Unless you make them stay at home 100% of the time, how can you know what they’re doing outside the house? 

Setting Rules You Can Enforce  

What you can do is tell them what will happen if they’re caught. For example, if you know they’re drinking and driving, you will call the police, or if you know they’re high, you will stop giving them money for anything. If you know they spent the night at a house where parents weren’t home, you will no longer be able to trust them with a car because they’re showing irresponsibility. If your teen is picked up by the police when a party is broken up, you will be unavailable to pick them up from jail until the next day. You get the idea. Make sure 100% of the responsibility is placed on your teenager for their choices.  

How to Explain These Rules to Your Teen 

Don’t say these things in anger, but matter-of-factly and with love. Tell your teen these are all natural consequences of their choices. You’ll simply allow the consequences to unfold without rescuing them. 

Why This Method Works 

Eventually your partying teenager will get into trouble for their actions. If they’re unsafe and they’re calling for a ride home, of course, pick them up!  However, in circumstances where they’re in trouble with the law or other parents, do not rescue them. It’s better for them to get consequences from the world than from you. They learn more that way, and you aren’t blamed. It’s a win-win. 

You’ve Got This! 

I know parenting is very challenging sometimes. It’s hard to know when to step in and when not to. I recommend staying in constant conversation with your teenager but not rescuing them from the consequences resulting from their bad choices. Parenting is hard sometimes, especially when your teen enjoys partying, but you can do it! 

  

Helping teens grow and families improve connection, 

Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT