If your teen tells you he/she is LGB or T, there is a lot for you to consider. Your intial reaction is very important. But, if you’ve already reacted, what you say next is still critical.

Your teen has two primary things to accomplish at his age.  1. He needs to find his “tribe.”  2.  He needs to figure out his identity.  Erik Erikson promoted a developmental theory a long time ago which is still widely accepted in the developmental psychology world.  I agree wholeheartedly with his 5th stage, which is called “Identity versus Role Confusion.”  Your adolescent is trying to learn about who he is.  He needs to understand where he fits, who he fits with, and what his place is in the world.  In the process of landing on an identity that works for him, he will try on a few different ones.

This isn’t to say that if your adolescent says she is gay she doesn’t mean it.  She very well could be and may never shift from that position.  However, in the decade that I’ve done counseling with teens, I’ve seen many teens change their minds about these types of statements as they move into a new temporary identity.  This doesn’t just apply to their sexuality; it can be absolutely anything.  I’ve seen it range from changing the college major several times to trying out different religions.  It’s just what teens do.  So, don’t panic when you hear any announcement about an identity that you’re not comfortable with, and don’t celebrate when you hear an announcement about identity you love; be patient because the one constant with teens is change.

Helping teens grow and families improve connection,

Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT