by Lauren Goodman | Aug 8, 2024 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Teen
It is extremely important to actively work on your relationship with your teenager. It is such a big deal to your teenager that in their own way, they will let you know if it’s not being done properly. Teens want you to strengthen your relationship with them.
How Teens Show You They Want a Better Relationship
They don’t often sit you down to have a chat about how you should spend more time together. Instead teenagers act out by getting poor grades, experimenting with drugs or alcohol, becoming sexually active, or being rude towards you at home, etc. (There are other reasons teens might behave this way too; it’s not one size fits all).
Steps You Can Take to Strengthen Your Relationship with Your Teen
In order to build a stronger relationship with your teenager, there are some things you can do. Start with obvious common ground.
Start with Common Ground
I worked with one teenage boy that hadn’t spoken a word to his father in two years, and they lived in the same house. His father knew the boy liked certain music from the seventies. The father had some of the music on vinyl, so he set up his old record player. He started playing his old albums and didn’t say a word. That got the teenage boy to come out of his room at look at what was going on. His father simply asked him if he’d like to see what other records there were. The teenage boy said he would, and looked through them with his father standing there.
They didn’t say anything to one another, but they were spending time together. The dad stregthened his relationship with his teen through music. The father bought concert tickets and invited the boy. When they went to the concert, the father was very careful not to say anything judgmental about his son, any of the concert-goers, or on any topic for that matter. Over time the boy began to trust his father not to be critical (a past problem between these two). After a year of very slow progress, there is now a real relationship between father and son.
Mark, a therapist on our team, has already raised his teens. He worked very hard to find common ground with both kids. Although hard at the time, it has paid dividends now that they are fully grown.
Don’t Force It, But Don’t Do Nothing
Assess where you are in your relationship with your teen. Start right there. Don’t try and force something that doesn’t exist, and don’t try and make it happen too quickly.
Be Non-Judgemental
Take your time and be patient. Be very cognizant of how many judgments you are making. It is a great idea to keep those to yourself. Be aware of how defensive you are feeling. Remember that you don’t have to respond if your teenager says something offensive, responding is up to you. Sometimes what you don’t say to your teen helps strengthen your relationship.
Prioritize Your Teen
Make your teenager a priority. I guarantee you have some unimportant priorities that seem very big to you. I know that for a fact because we all do. My ridiculous priority that sometimes gets put in front of relationship with my kids is cleanliness. I get so worked up if the house isn’t clean, that I miss valuable time with them.
What are your unnecessary priorities? Is it work? Golf? Football? Exercise? All those things are great, and so is a clean house. They just aren’t great when they become the thing that MUST be done before having focused time with your family. Out of order priorities weaken instead of strengthen your relationship with teen children.
Stronger Relationships with Teens Mean No Blame-Game
A lot of parents come to me and blame their teens for disrupted relationships. Frequently, they tell me that it was much better a couple years ago while they still had an elementary school aged child. However, elementary school aged children usually go with the flow more and do what you say. Typically, they will take an interest in what you’re doing in order to get your attention.
Once you have teens, they think for themselves. They know what they find enjoyable. Even though that might be a little bit different than what you like to do, it doesn’t mean they prefer you not be around. They just prefer you leave if you consistently criticize what they like to do. So instead, consider taking an interest in it. Then you still have an influence on, and still get to spend time with your kid.
Wrapping Up
Developing a stronger relationship with your teenager takes intentionality and work. Unfortunately, adolescents aren’t usually the ones who will make the first step. You might feel like your efforts are falling on deaf ears (It’s even worse when that feels intentional). However, at the end of the day, strengthening your relationship with your teen is essential. You have almost finished raised your child. Don’t give up now even though it feels frustrating and hard!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Aug 2, 2024 | Parenting Techniques
Making Sibling Relationships Better
Sibling relationships among teenagers seem to vary enormously. Of all my clients, I have seen sibling relationships range from being the best of friends to the bitterest of enemies. Usually it lands somewhere in the middle.
If your children are really close, consider yourself lucky. Or, perhaps you’ve done things to help them get along. Either way, it’s so wonderful to see your kids love and enjoy one another.
If your children don’t get another with each other, it’s often just the way their personalities match up. Sometimes they will continue to struggle with each other no matter what you do. In other situations, there are a few things you can do to help.
Let Your Kids Be Different
It’s really important to try and let your kids be different. They will not likely perform equally well in school, sports, social relationships, etc. Each has his or her own set of strengths and weaknesses. Help them along to improve in their weaker areas, and continue growing in their strengths. However, sibling relationships suffer if you compare your kids to one another. They already do this to themselves, so having your confirm it doesn’t typically help.
They Need Their Own Thing
It can be very beneficial for sibling relationships to have some things the kids share and some things that are individually theirs. This starts with possessions and also includes sports, friends, time with you, and goals. Time with you is a really big one. This means individual, fun time with each parent. This isn’t just driving to a sports practice. It’s going on a hike, playing mini golf, etc.
The Oldest Sibling Is Not A Third Parent
They are not responsible for one another’s happiness. Unfortunately, this is actually something I find comes up often in therapy. It’s particularly true with the older sibling feeling responsible for the younger one’s happiness. The older sibling often sees it as their job to keep the younger sibling(s) on track. When the younger one is making bad choices, the older one will often try to parent their little brother or sister. We work hard in counseling to help the older sibling just be a big sister or big brother. That’s what the younger child usually needs anyhow. The younger one needs someone whom they can confide in and who will give them perspective.
Sibling Relationships Are Healthier When…
Don’t force your children to spy on each other for you. While you do want your children to tell you if one of your other children is doing something really dangerous such as taking drugs, you don’t want to create an environment of mistrust. The reason is, you harm the sibling relationship when you ask them to tell on each other for every small transgression.
Also, while it can be nice for the older one to take the younger one along sometimes, this can’t be all the time. I grew up with a close friend who was required to bring her younger siblings everywhere. We never got to hang out without them coming. Even though we liked the two little ones, sometimes our friend group just wanted to be on our own.
Sibling Relationships in a Nutshell
Creating a loving family where siblings get along well can be a huge challenge. Sometimes it comes naturally, which is wonderful! Other times though, parents have to work really hard to help facilitate closeness in sibling relationships. For some unlucky families even the best efforts go unrewarded. Importantly, hold on to hope because even siblings who do not get along as children often develop a special closeness as adults. The sibling relationship teaches humility, frustration tolerance, cohesiveness, how to argue, boundary setting, friendship, and sharing. These life skills are invaluable and extremely important.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 28, 2024 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Why Anxiety Help for Teens?
Anxiety is awful. You know how terrible it feels when you worry about what a friend thinks of you, or whether you’re going to get in trouble with your parents for something you did last week. Sitting, waiting, hoping for the best but dreading the worst is a really uncomfortable feeling! Sadly, some people live in this feeling of dread all the time. Anxiety help for teens is specific to the worries teens have.
Typical Teen Anxiety
Sometimes our anxieties (or worries) are realistic. For example, we know we’re terrible at Spanish, and we’re having a lot of anxiety about taking the next Spanish test. Likewise, we know we did something really foolish at the party Saturday night, and we’re dreading our return to school on Monday. This kind of anxiety is realistic and common to the whole human race.
When Anxiety Goes Too Far
For some of us though, anxiety starts to pervade our thoughts. It becomes this ugly overwhelming emotion that is hard to control. Furthermore, anxiety is often based on things that aren’t very likely. It is this point where anxiety help for teens becomes necessary.
To demonstrate, here are some examples of things I’ve heard teenagers tell me they’ve worried about, but know they shouldn’t worry about: 1) “I’m going to get cancer.” 2) “Everyone in the classroom will stare at me and think I’m an idiot if I raise my hand in class.” 3) “I’m going to fail my test.” 4) “No college will accept me.” 5) “My parents are secretly disappointed in me.” 6) “What if there’s a school shooter?” The list goes on an on. The things adolescents worry about come in all shapes and sizes.
Help for the Anxious Teen
Something I’ve found helpful in the past, and you might like too, is the acronym F.E.A.R. It stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. This is really what gives us anxiety, or fear about a situation. We think there’s evidence proving what we worry about will actually happen. It makes us feel scared and nervous. Most of the time the situation turns out just fine because the evidence we used to support our fear was actually false.
A Case Study
Here’s an example of anxiety help for a teen. I once worked with a very bright client who was terrified of giving another class presentation. He felt completely certain all the other students were judging him and secretly laughing at him. When asked to provide evidence that supports his theory, he told me that everyone was looking at him.
What this teen was facing is a great example of false evidence appearing real. Everyone was looking at him, he was right about that! Where he was wrong is the reason everyone was looking at him. They were starting at him because he was in front of the class talking. Once he realized everyone started at each presenter, and stared at the teacher when she was talking, he recognized he had fallen prey to F.E.A.R.
Of course this tool isn’t strong enough to completely overcome all your anxieties. However, it is one example of the kinds of things we think about and work on to cope with adolescent anxiety in therapy. F.E.A.R. is part of a group of help for teen anxiety interventions called CBT (cogntive-behavioral therapy). It is highly effective with adolescent anxiety disorders.
When you realize that many of the things you worry about aren’t totally true, it is a freeing moment. Help for teen anxiety is possible! Help your teen get his/her life back today.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 24, 2024 | Parenting Techniques
Parenting a Teen
Parenting a teen is different than an elementary aged child. How does your role as a mom change once your child becomes an adolescent? This is a question I am asked in some form or another on a regular basis in my therapy practice.
1. You still help with physical needs.
While you are no longer physically brushing your child’s teeth, you are making sure their teeth are cared for. You take them to the dentist, orthodontist, buy their toothpaste, etc.
You still make sure your teenager is getting a balanced diet too. This is actually a challenge for a mom of teenagers because teens go out to eat with their friends. Help them limit this activity to a healthy level and make sure the food available at home is good for them.
Perhaps most importantly, make sure your teenager is getting enough sleep. I see parents let off the gas on the bedtime when their children are still way to young to manage this with maturity. If they aren’t usually getting 8 hours of sleep per night, they aren’t managing it well on their own.
2. Character development.
To the best of your ability expect your teenager to behave in a way that lines up with the adult you hope they’ll be. As you parent your teen, avoid saying to yourself, “They’re just kids and they’ll grow out of this.” If your teen is drinking, smoking, sneaking out, etc. it’s a good idea to reign them in. You also want to help them develop integrity, honesty, perseverance and responsibility.
3. Love.
Your teenager absolutely still needs a lot of love and affirmation. Just because they’ve lost that baby cuteness doesn’t mean they don’t want to snuggle sometimes. Even if they are cold when you touch them, they still need it. Be careful not to put pressure on them to meet your needs for affection though. That sometimes drives them away from you. They need to hear you’re proud of them and that you believe they will make it when they step out into the world.
4. More space.
More and more your adolescent needs the room to venture out. You are their safety net but no longer their director. They should be able to choose their own friends, own extra-curriculars, and own interests. When they “skin their knees” they need you to help them get back up, but they no longer need complete insulation from ever possibly “skinning their knees.”
Parenting a Teen: So Much Change
The transition from parenting a child to parenting an teen is full of nothing but change. It is up to you to demonstrate flexibility with the constant change. Continue to love your children as passionately as you ever have, but understand that it starts to look different. You are no longer the center of their world, you have been moved to the supporting cast. Even though your role is less central, you are still immeasurably important.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 16, 2024 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Improving Teen Sleep
Teenagers are notorious for not sleeping enough during the school week, and then sleeping very late on the weekends; proper sleep has great importance for a teen. This disrupts their sleep quality and patterns. However, I truly understand why they do it; most teens are exhausted by the end of the week.
Consequences of Poor Sleep
The importance of teen sleep is paramount. Not sleeping enough causes irritability, poor memory, depressed mood, affects eating patterns, is linked with use of caffeine and nicotine, and lowers immunity. The average teenager needs 9 hours and 15 minutes of sleep every single night. Most are lucky if they get 8 hours. Part of the struggle is that in adolescence it is normal for the circadian rhythm (the body’s natural sleeping and waking pattern) to shift. Adolescents often cannot fall asleep until close to 11pm. However, most schools start around 8am. That means there isn’t even enough time to get proper sleep.
Ways to Improve Sleep
This will seem obvious, but it is worth mentioning. Things that can help your teen fall asleep earlier are keeping their room very dark at night, finishing dinner by 7pm, stopping homework and phone use by 8:30pm, and using the last half hour of the day to wind down. Do not let your teenager have a TV in their room, or let them play video games in their room. Those are two activities associated with mental alertness; their room needs to be associated with rest. Also, their bed should only be used for sleeping. A lot of teens like to do their homework on their bed, text while sitting on their bed, read on their bed, etc. Again, you want your child to mentally associate their bed with sleep. These are all things that can help you get your teen to bed by 9pm.
Why Improving Teen Sleep is Important
Initially you may experience resistance on the idea of an earlier bedtime. Try and explain the benefits. Tell your teenager that school becomes easier with more sleep. Tell them also that they will be healthier, have more energy, and get along better with family. For teens who struggle with their weight, explain to them that the proper amount of sleep links to a healthier body weight.
What Do We Do About Teen Sleep In Counseling
When a parent brings their teenager into counseling with me, one of the first things I check on is how much sleep the teen is getting because of the importance of good teen sleep. Many adolescents come for depressed moods, irritability and low self-worth. Most of the kids who feel this way also are very short on sleep. Many of these kids sleep about 6 hours per night during the school week.
Right away we agree on improving their sleep schedule. We move up their bedtime by a half hour each week until they are in bed with the lights out for 9 hours per night. In about 25% of cases, this is all the adolescent needs to feel completely better. In almost 100% of cases it helps the adolescent feel somewhat better.
After you read this take a few minutes to examine the sleep patterns in your family. Is everyone watching TV before bed? Do some members of the family texting until they fall asleep? Are your kids doing homework until 11pm? Do you have to wake your teenagers up two or three times every morning before they start getting ready for school? These are all signs of bad sleep hygiene (yes, that’s an actual term). Maybe if everyone works on it, the whole household will get along better.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
