by Lauren Goodman | Aug 2, 2024 | Parenting Techniques
Making Sibling Relationships Better
Sibling relationships among teenagers seem to vary enormously. Of all my clients, I have seen sibling relationships range from being the best of friends to the bitterest of enemies. Usually it lands somewhere in the middle.
If your children are really close, consider yourself lucky. Or, perhaps you’ve done things to help them get along. Either way, it’s so wonderful to see your kids love and enjoy one another.
If your children don’t get another with each other, it’s often just the way their personalities match up. Sometimes they will continue to struggle with each other no matter what you do. In other situations, there are a few things you can do to help.
Let Your Kids Be Different
It’s really important to try and let your kids be different. They will not likely perform equally well in school, sports, social relationships, etc. Each has his or her own set of strengths and weaknesses. Help them along to improve in their weaker areas, and continue growing in their strengths. However, sibling relationships suffer if you compare your kids to one another. They already do this to themselves, so having your confirm it doesn’t typically help.
They Need Their Own Thing
It can be very beneficial for sibling relationships to have some things the kids share and some things that are individually theirs. This starts with possessions and also includes sports, friends, time with you, and goals. Time with you is a really big one. This means individual, fun time with each parent. This isn’t just driving to a sports practice. It’s going on a hike, playing mini golf, etc.
The Oldest Sibling Is Not A Third Parent
They are not responsible for one another’s happiness. Unfortunately, this is actually something I find comes up often in therapy. It’s particularly true with the older sibling feeling responsible for the younger one’s happiness. The older sibling often sees it as their job to keep the younger sibling(s) on track. When the younger one is making bad choices, the older one will often try to parent their little brother or sister. We work hard in counseling to help the older sibling just be a big sister or big brother. That’s what the younger child usually needs anyhow. The younger one needs someone whom they can confide in and who will give them perspective.
Sibling Relationships Are Healthier When…
Don’t force your children to spy on each other for you. While you do want your children to tell you if one of your other children is doing something really dangerous such as taking drugs, you don’t want to create an environment of mistrust. The reason is, you harm the sibling relationship when you ask them to tell on each other for every small transgression.
Also, while it can be nice for the older one to take the younger one along sometimes, this can’t be all the time. I grew up with a close friend who was required to bring her younger siblings everywhere. We never got to hang out without them coming. Even though we liked the two little ones, sometimes our friend group just wanted to be on our own.
Sibling Relationships in a Nutshell
Creating a loving family where siblings get along well can be a huge challenge. Sometimes it comes naturally, which is wonderful! Other times though, parents have to work really hard to help facilitate closeness in sibling relationships. For some unlucky families even the best efforts go unrewarded. Importantly, hold on to hope because even siblings who do not get along as children often develop a special closeness as adults. The sibling relationship teaches humility, frustration tolerance, cohesiveness, how to argue, boundary setting, friendship, and sharing. These life skills are invaluable and extremely important.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 28, 2024 | Teen Anxiety Therapy
Why Anxiety Help for Teens?
Anxiety is awful. You know how terrible it feels when you worry about what a friend thinks of you, or whether you’re going to get in trouble with your parents for something you did last week. Sitting, waiting, hoping for the best but dreading the worst is a really uncomfortable feeling! Sadly, some people live in this feeling of dread all the time. Anxiety help for teens is specific to the worries teens have.
Typical Teen Anxiety
Sometimes our anxieties (or worries) are realistic. For example, we know we’re terrible at Spanish, and we’re having a lot of anxiety about taking the next Spanish test. Likewise, we know we did something really foolish at the party Saturday night, and we’re dreading our return to school on Monday. This kind of anxiety is realistic and common to the whole human race.
When Anxiety Goes Too Far
For some of us though, anxiety starts to pervade our thoughts. It becomes this ugly overwhelming emotion that is hard to control. Furthermore, anxiety is often based on things that aren’t very likely. It is this point where anxiety help for teens becomes necessary.
To demonstrate, here are some examples of things I’ve heard teenagers tell me they’ve worried about, but know they shouldn’t worry about: 1) “I’m going to get cancer.” 2) “Everyone in the classroom will stare at me and think I’m an idiot if I raise my hand in class.” 3) “I’m going to fail my test.” 4) “No college will accept me.” 5) “My parents are secretly disappointed in me.” 6) “What if there’s a school shooter?” The list goes on an on. The things adolescents worry about come in all shapes and sizes.
Help for the Anxious Teen
Something I’ve found helpful in the past, and you might like too, is the acronym F.E.A.R. It stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. This is really what gives us anxiety, or fear about a situation. We think there’s evidence proving what we worry about will actually happen. It makes us feel scared and nervous. Most of the time the situation turns out just fine because the evidence we used to support our fear was actually false.
A Case Study
Here’s an example of anxiety help for a teen. I once worked with a very bright client who was terrified of giving another class presentation. He felt completely certain all the other students were judging him and secretly laughing at him. When asked to provide evidence that supports his theory, he told me that everyone was looking at him.
What this teen was facing is a great example of false evidence appearing real. Everyone was looking at him, he was right about that! Where he was wrong is the reason everyone was looking at him. They were starting at him because he was in front of the class talking. Once he realized everyone started at each presenter, and stared at the teacher when she was talking, he recognized he had fallen prey to F.E.A.R.
Of course this tool isn’t strong enough to completely overcome all your anxieties. However, it is one example of the kinds of things we think about and work on to cope with adolescent anxiety in therapy. F.E.A.R. is part of a group of help for teen anxiety interventions called CBT (cogntive-behavioral therapy). It is highly effective with adolescent anxiety disorders.
When you realize that many of the things you worry about aren’t totally true, it is a freeing moment. Help for teen anxiety is possible! Help your teen get his/her life back today.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 24, 2024 | Parenting Techniques
Parenting a Teen
Parenting a teen is different than an elementary aged child. How does your role as a mom change once your child becomes an adolescent? This is a question I am asked in some form or another on a regular basis in my therapy practice.
1. You still help with physical needs.
While you are no longer physically brushing your child’s teeth, you are making sure their teeth are cared for. You take them to the dentist, orthodontist, buy their toothpaste, etc.
You still make sure your teenager is getting a balanced diet too. This is actually a challenge for a mom of teenagers because teens go out to eat with their friends. Help them limit this activity to a healthy level and make sure the food available at home is good for them.
Perhaps most importantly, make sure your teenager is getting enough sleep. I see parents let off the gas on the bedtime when their children are still way to young to manage this with maturity. If they aren’t usually getting 8 hours of sleep per night, they aren’t managing it well on their own.
2. Character development.
To the best of your ability expect your teenager to behave in a way that lines up with the adult you hope they’ll be. As you parent your teen, avoid saying to yourself, “They’re just kids and they’ll grow out of this.” If your teen is drinking, smoking, sneaking out, etc. it’s a good idea to reign them in. You also want to help them develop integrity, honesty, perseverance and responsibility.
3. Love.
Your teenager absolutely still needs a lot of love and affirmation. Just because they’ve lost that baby cuteness doesn’t mean they don’t want to snuggle sometimes. Even if they are cold when you touch them, they still need it. Be careful not to put pressure on them to meet your needs for affection though. That sometimes drives them away from you. They need to hear you’re proud of them and that you believe they will make it when they step out into the world.
4. More space.
More and more your adolescent needs the room to venture out. You are their safety net but no longer their director. They should be able to choose their own friends, own extra-curriculars, and own interests. When they “skin their knees” they need you to help them get back up, but they no longer need complete insulation from ever possibly “skinning their knees.”
Parenting a Teen: So Much Change
The transition from parenting a child to parenting an teen is full of nothing but change. It is up to you to demonstrate flexibility with the constant change. Continue to love your children as passionately as you ever have, but understand that it starts to look different. You are no longer the center of their world, you have been moved to the supporting cast. Even though your role is less central, you are still immeasurably important.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 16, 2024 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Improving Teen Sleep
Teenagers are notorious for not sleeping enough during the school week, and then sleeping very late on the weekends; proper sleep has great importance for a teen. This disrupts their sleep quality and patterns. However, I truly understand why they do it; most teens are exhausted by the end of the week.
Consequences of Poor Sleep
The importance of teen sleep is paramount. Not sleeping enough causes irritability, poor memory, depressed mood, affects eating patterns, is linked with use of caffeine and nicotine, and lowers immunity. The average teenager needs 9 hours and 15 minutes of sleep every single night. Most are lucky if they get 8 hours. Part of the struggle is that in adolescence it is normal for the circadian rhythm (the body’s natural sleeping and waking pattern) to shift. Adolescents often cannot fall asleep until close to 11pm. However, most schools start around 8am. That means there isn’t even enough time to get proper sleep.
Ways to Improve Sleep
This will seem obvious, but it is worth mentioning. Things that can help your teen fall asleep earlier are keeping their room very dark at night, finishing dinner by 7pm, stopping homework and phone use by 8:30pm, and using the last half hour of the day to wind down. Do not let your teenager have a TV in their room, or let them play video games in their room. Those are two activities associated with mental alertness; their room needs to be associated with rest. Also, their bed should only be used for sleeping. A lot of teens like to do their homework on their bed, text while sitting on their bed, read on their bed, etc. Again, you want your child to mentally associate their bed with sleep. These are all things that can help you get your teen to bed by 9pm.
Why Improving Teen Sleep is Important
Initially you may experience resistance on the idea of an earlier bedtime. Try and explain the benefits. Tell your teenager that school becomes easier with more sleep. Tell them also that they will be healthier, have more energy, and get along better with family. For teens who struggle with their weight, explain to them that the proper amount of sleep links to a healthier body weight.
What Do We Do About Teen Sleep In Counseling
When a parent brings their teenager into counseling with me, one of the first things I check on is how much sleep the teen is getting because of the importance of good teen sleep. Many adolescents come for depressed moods, irritability and low self-worth. Most of the kids who feel this way also are very short on sleep. Many of these kids sleep about 6 hours per night during the school week.
Right away we agree on improving their sleep schedule. We move up their bedtime by a half hour each week until they are in bed with the lights out for 9 hours per night. In about 25% of cases, this is all the adolescent needs to feel completely better. In almost 100% of cases it helps the adolescent feel somewhat better.
After you read this take a few minutes to examine the sleep patterns in your family. Is everyone watching TV before bed? Do some members of the family texting until they fall asleep? Are your kids doing homework until 11pm? Do you have to wake your teenagers up two or three times every morning before they start getting ready for school? These are all signs of bad sleep hygiene (yes, that’s an actual term). Maybe if everyone works on it, the whole household will get along better.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 2, 2024 | Depression Therapy for Teens
Entitlement in Adolescents
A while ago, I was fortunate enough to hear John Townsend speak. He is witty, engaging and above all, wise. He had really good things to say about adolescent entitlement.
One of the key points he made was that we should not say, “I deserve” this or that. That verbage causes us to actually lose power. When we think we deserve something, we assume it’s due us. That means we’re upset when we don’t have it, and we don’t see how to go and get it for ourselves.
What To Do If Your Teen Is Entitled
If your teenager tells you, “I deserve an iPhone,” it means they’ve given you all the power to control when and how they get it. They are completely relying on you to provide this for them. Instead it’s much better to teach your children (and yourselves) to use the words, “I’m responsible” to get the thing you want. If your adolescents learn to say this, they then believe it’s within their power to earn things. I agree with Dr. Townsend on this point completely because it teaches your teens motivation, and goal setting. Those two things can be hard to teach a teen, but they help to end entitlement in adolescents.
Entitlement to Special Treatment
Another point Dr. Townsend made that was fantastic is essentially to be very careful about believing you’re “exempt from responsibility,” and therefore, “owed special treatment.” When you read that sentence, I’m sure you don’t think you’re guilty of this. Afterall, at first I didn’t. Then he went on to explain that ALL of us do this from time to time. We think it’s fine to share our opinions without being careful of someone else’s feelings. We can be particularly guilty of this on social media. However, we don’t want to hear opinions contrary to our own; that’s deemed offensive.
The Most Common Area of Teen Entitlement
When it comes to teens, I hear the problem of being “exempt from responsibility” and “owed special treatment” in one particular area all the time. This is with their teachers and coaches. I hear teens’ parents tell me their child had a bad teacher or bad coach. They say this in front of their teenager. This causes entitlement in your adolescent. Some parents even go as far as to change their teenager’s schedule at school in order to get a particular teacher and avoid others. My question to you if you do this is: Why does your child deserve the best teacher? It’s nice when it happens, but does anybody deserve that? And, there’s that word “deserve” again.
Responsibility in Adolescents is the Opposite of Entitlement
The better thing to teach your child is to be responsible for finding a way to learn and earn a good grade even with the less engaging teachers. There’s that other word, “responsible.” Besides, learning to function with less than optimum learning conditions is more important than learning the subject matter. How many times in your life have you used your 11th grade trigonometry from that class with the great math teacher? Compare this with how many situations you’ve been in where your boss or client was less than great. Aren’t you glad you learned to cope with “bad” teachers after all?
What Can Parents Do?
Firstly, you have the ability to model good behavior. Show a lot of gratitude for all the things in your life. Understand that God gives and takes away as He wills. We aren’t owed anything in this life. Your kids will greatly benefit from that outlook too. They’ll work hard and enjoy what they have, but they won’t be destroyed every time they don’t get their way.
At Teen Therapy OC, combatting entitlement in adolescents towards parents is a key goal in nearly every counseling relationship. Many, many adolescents who come in struggle with entitlement. They are angry with parents for “taking away my phone,” or “not letting me go out with my friends.” Of course this doesn’t describe everyone, but for those it does, we work on adolescent entitlement reduction. Everyone ends up happier.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
