Sometimes our efforts to help our teenagers accidentally make their addiction worse.
People get confused by the term codependent, or coaddict. I thought today I’d address codependence/coaddiction to see if it clears it up. If someone you love is engaging in an unhealthy behavior such as drug abuse, gambling, excessive shopping, etc., it is very noble to want to help. As relational beings we are called to help others when they are struggling. Coaddiction occurs when the attempts to help are misguided.
Let’s say Jane has a gambling addiction. Her brother, John, decides he wants to help her stop. At first he has a good conversation with her, and she agrees she should quit. However, Jane is unable to quit. John then threatens to stop talking to her if she does not stop gambling. She quits for a week and then goes back to it. He doesn’t stop talking to her. John consistently sets boundaries he does not keep. Jane comes to John and says she cannot afford her rent this month. He gives her $500 to cover the rent with the stipulation that she does not gamble that month. She gambles anyhow, and the next month tells him she again can’t cover her rent. She apologizes for gambling and promises never to do it again. John believes she is sincere. John continues to give Jane money for her necessities like food, clothing and shelter. Meanwhile, John’s wife is becoming very upset and wants to stop giving Jane money. John tells his wife, “If I don’t give her money then she can’t buy food for her kids.” John’s whole existence and self-worth becomes tied up in keeping his sister above water. John rationalizes this by telling himself that he is not giving her money with which to gamble.
John has become codependent. His self-value has become entrenched with helping Jane. If he is helping her then he can assume he is a good, loving brother. He is allowing his own marriage and financial security to suffer in order to take care of someone else who is not truly trying to get better. On top of that, John is really hindering his sister’s ability to beat her gambling addiction, albeit unintentionally. He pays her rent and buys her food, which frees up money for her to use at the casino. He fears she would use it at the casino and then not be able to pay her rent. That usually is not what happens, but if it does, she will finally feel the consequences of her addiction, and seek to get better.
If your teen is using drugs, or has some other unhealthy behavior, think carefully about the ways you are unintentionally enabling the behavior. If you recognize your enabling behavior, but are afraid to stop, then you have developed codependence. A great website to check out is coda.org (Codependents Anonymous). Therapy is also a good tool for overcoming codependence/coaddiction.
It is scary to stop “helping” your own child work through an addiction or struggle. However, we’ve all heard the old adage about how someone might not get better until they reach rock bottom. After doing therapy with addicts for a number of years, I believe there is truth to that statement. If you are trying to help your teenager avoid harsh consequences for their behaviors, you are prolonging when they hit rock bottom. Let your child experience natural consequences for their choices; the sooner you do so, the sooner they can realize they need help.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Vaping is becoming an extremely common means of substance use among tweens and teens. Many of my later teen clients are completely addicted to nicotine. It all started innocently enough, and usually in middle school. Please watch the following video on a few basics about vaping you need to know so that you can have a good conversation with your tween or teen. It is really important you weigh in on this topic because otherwise they only learn misinformation from their peers.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Getting your teen to do housework is possible! Image courtesy of artur84 via freedigitalphotos.net.
You work full-time and your teenager is home after school. It feels very frustrating that they stay home a good part of the day, or are out having fun with friends while the house needs a lot of attention. Maybe you don’t even care about the chores around the house if they’d just keep their room clean, bathroom picked up, and put away their dishes. How do you deal with this?
1. Let them know how you feel. This is not to be said in anger or with hostility. That is the quickest way to ensure a teenager isn’t listening to you. On the other hand, if you gently tell them it’s frustrating for you, or that you feel taken advantage of, or that you are overwhelmed and stressed, they will often listen. This isn’t true for every teen but if you don’t get a kind reaction when you’re truly being kind, there are likely other problems in your relationship that need addressing.
2. Make sure you ask. As obvious as this sounds, a lot of parents lament they don’t get any help around the house, but they don’t specifically ask for what they need. You might have hoped your adolescent would take the initiative, look around, and just see what needs doing. This is great in theory but pretty much will never happen. Try writing them a reasonable list each day before you leave to work, asking things be done before you get home (Reasonable for a teen who has no history of cleaning is probably a 30 minute task).
3. Attach monetary value to certain tasks. This works for the highly social child. If you have a teenager who loves to be out with friends, this will be effective. Here’s the caveat, if you plan to make them earn their going out money by doing tasks around the house, you can’t give money otherwise. It’s fine to pay for their sports or things they need for school. However, if they want to meet a friend for lunch, absolutely no money! You can gently remind them they will get a few dollars when the house has been vacuumed, which is a great way they can pay for their own lunch. Something else you’ll notice happening, when they have to earn their spending money they are more careful with it.
4. Require it. There are certain minimum tasks that each household should require of every member. If you want to require everyone to keep their bathrooms and bedrooms picked up, make sure yours is too. There’s nothing an adolescent resents more than a hypocritical parent. It’s fine to attach privileges to the completion of these minimum tasks. One family I worked with had success when they told their teen daughter the bathroom and bedroom had to be picked up each night by 8pm. If it was, she got the privilege of using her cell phone the next day. If not, they would keep it and she could try again to have everything picked up by the following evening. They were very careful not to bend on this, and she fell into line within a week. If she finished at 8:05pm, they thanked her for cleaning up, but still did not give the phone the next day. Boundaries around these types of limits must be strict and unemotional.
It is possible to get your teen to help you around the house. It’s all in how you ask, and how consistent you are with whatever rules you set up. Once you are able to get their help, it’s great for your relationship because you’re nagging less often, and they feel a sense of pride.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
If you’re a parent who wishes to connect better with your teen, you’ll have to have elements of friendship in your relationship. The parents who know how to listen well and care about what their kids care about seem to also have authority. The parents I see in therapy who just try and control behavior with discipline have either a rebellious teen, or one who doesn’t share much with them. If you really want to influence how your teen thinks, their moral compass, and their ability to make decisions later in life without you, you have to be in their hearts. They need to learn to think and feel through hard things, and that’s impossible if you use your emotional muscle to prevent them from making mistakes.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Wanting approval isn’t a bad thing unless it goes too far. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This post will not apply to every parent. Some of you have kids who are very comfortable with who they are. They seem relaxed and self-assured. What a blessing!
There are a large number of you though who have teens that really want approval. This can take on multiple forms. Some teens long for the approval of their peers. Others desperately want to hear “well done” from their parents. Wanting approval is not actually as bad as it sounds. It is part of what motivates teens to do their homework and chores, and to comb their hair. Sometimes though the desire for approval becomes excessive, and leads to anxiety or depression.
I have seen teens in counseling who wanted approval so badly that they developed eating disorders, tried drugs or alcohol, or became sexually active before they were ready. It is really important to recognize a teen who is trying too hard to be liked because sometimes it means they are making unhealthy choices. A lot of these teens actually do get a substantial amount of approval, but they do not feel it. Even when there is a lot of evidence to the contrary, these teens feel disliked or negatively judged. As a parent, what are you supposed to do in this situation?
One of the most important things you can do is to help your teen realize the meaning of that famous first line from Rick Warren’s Purpose Driven Life, “It is not about you.” Help your child gain some perspective. It is very hard for teens to remember that there is a world beyond their school and social group; expose your teen to it. Get them out into the community to serve someone else. Usually once a person dedicates some time and energy to others they stop focusing on themselves.
A second thing to try is not allowing your teen to voice the things they dislike about themselves if those things are unreasonable. Do not let your 3.5 GPA student tell you they are stupid, and do not let your normally sized daughter tell you she is fat. Learn to respond only when your child is honest about themselves. One thing we do in therapy is stop believing everything we feel. What I mean by this is that a teen will tell me, “I feel like nobody likes me.” Once we establish that there are in fact people who like the teen, we no longer allow that to be said. Instead the teen has to tell the truth, which is, “I feel disliked by some people.”
Try these two tips for approval-seeking teens. If your teen’s desire to be liked is overwhelming your teen, and you for that matter, call for help. There is often a way to change their focus. Sometimes you need help to help them too. Most parents, even the very best parents, have tried a number of different ways to encourage their adolescent without success. Sometimes a little tune-up makes a big difference.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
