Signs of Depression In Teens
There are some things to look for this holiday season if you suspect depression in your teenager. Here are a few signs:
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Using Exercise to Manage Your Teen’s Stress
Exercise is a critical factor in managing your anxiety.
Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It is very, very important to take good care of yourself physically. You already know this though. What you probably also already know, but maybe haven’t been thinking about, is how critical it is to exercise. As a whole, we Americans like to procrastinate exercise. We generally don’t do it often enough, or with enough intensity.
Did you know that if you set aside 30-60 minutes to exercise, you will actually get more done during your day? That seems odd because by time you exercise and then shower, 2 hours are used up. It’s true though. Your ability to focus and stay on task is greatly increased with exercise. Your ability to push through a work-out you don’t feel like doing also increases the mental toughness needed to get other things done. When you exercise regularly you aren’t just flexing your physical muscles. You learn to have more will power. It takes will power to jog up the hill that is seemingly never going to end. It even takes will power to get up off the couch and get your running shoes on. Forcing yourself to do so when it’s not really what you want to do is a form of discipline. It teaches self-denial.
Self-denial (in a healthy dose) is extremely important for anxiety management. When you learn to do more of what you should do instead of what you feel like doing, your life is usually headed in a direction that you choose. This means you have more control. The antidote to anxiety is a sense of control.
Consistent exercise not only releases chemicals into the brain that are calming and pleasant, it also teaches discipline and self-control. It is a critical factor in the alleviation of anxiety. It is also an important part of time management. So, to help get your anxiety under wraps, hop on your bike, jump in a pool, or go for a stroll. Do this several times a week and watch what happens. Oh, and you also just might find you end up enjoying yourself.
When you think about how to specifically apply this to your teenagers, think social. Teens (as a generalization) love to be around their friends. Help them figure out a way to get in a work-out with a couple friends. Maybe they can join the same gym as their best friend, or organize a common goal with their friends. When I was in college a couple of friends and I set-up a work-out plan. We were only able to exercise together a couple times per week, but we held each other accountable for the rest of the time. It made a big difference in our ability to stick with it. I still think this is because we enjoyed the social aspect of doing it together more than anything else.
Exercise is a great, healthy coping skill for anxiety and stress. You can model this for your teenager and invite them to join you. You may or may not get a yes, but they are definitely paying attention to how you handle your stress.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Should You Break-up with Him/Her?
Here is a list of questions to ask yourself about whether to keep dating your significant other. If you feel uncertain a lot of the time about your relationship, watch this quick 90 second video; I think it will help.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
How to Argue Effectively With Your Teenager
Arguing with a teen can seem impossible, but it’s actually not.
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
To argue effectively with your teenager, you both have to be listening. It doesn’t do a lot of good just to try and overpower each other. Here’s the mistake a lot of teens and parents both make when they are disagreeing: they continue to restate the same point repeatedly. When the other person doesn’t seem to hear it, they just say it more loudly. Eventually the tone of voice gets rude and then the argument can turn nasty. That’s when teenagers are blamed for “having an attitude,” or “being disrespectful,” or “talking back.”
It’s essential to realize deescalation has to occur before anything else. This means the discussion must remain calm. It’s completely fine, and actually positive to feel and express emotions. It’s not encouraged to do this offensively, with a blaming and/or defensive attitude. When’s the last time you were happy to hear someone’s point after they called you a name, rolled their eyes, or spoke with contempt in their voice? I know I have no interest in what someone has to say after that. All I’m thinking is what a jerk they are, and then I dig my heels in.
Parents and teenagers ask me all the time why it’s so much easier to talk about things in my office than at home. The answer is in remaining deescalated. When a family is learning to communicate better my primary goal is to keep the emotional triggers deescalated. I do this by slowing the discussion down and making sure each side acknowledges what they’ve just been told by the other side. In other words, I make sure parents are listening to their adolescents, and vice versa. I also don’t allow blaming. I ask each person in the room to expound on anything they’ve said by also explaining their current emotional state. For example, a teen might say to her mom, “I really want to be able to go to the party even though there won’t be any parents there.” When asked to expound on this, she may say, “I feel left out if I can’t go. I also feel I’m not trusted if I’m not allowed to go.” While this may not cause Mom to change her mind, she can certainly relate to feeling left out and not trusted. Those are really unpleasant emotions. Instead of Mom arguing that these types of parties are unsafe, Mom can tell her daughter she hates those emotions too. Once Daughter feels heard, she and Mom can work together to come up with some kind of creative solution.
It’s so incredibly important to communicate with your teenagers in a way that deescalates them. You won’t even have an impact on them if they are angry, defensive, and otherwise emotionally charged; they are not ready to listen in that state. You aren’t ready to listen either and the only two options become either fighting or shutting down. You may get your child to comply with you, but they will resent you. This is not what your objective is. The objective is always to keep them safe and teach them whatever they need to learn from a situation.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
For The Rejected Teen
Your pain is real and your pain is intense. School is a place of special torture for you. You don’t feel emotionally safe among your peers. You wait for someone to make a degrading comment or not even notice you at all. You feel as though nobody would care if you simply stopped showing up at school. You wish to disappear. The deep suffering you experience because of your differences leads you to a place of hopelessness. Your spirit is at risk of breaking because you are socially rejected.
I know it’s hard, but see if this one little thing can help in even a small way:
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Philosophy
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
For Teens
Online Therapy
