Help your teen combat depression and anxiety with physical touch. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
It has been said that you need affectionate physical contact approximately ten times per day for your well-being. Does your teenager get that? If you’ve noticed your teen feeling anxious or depressed lately, you might ask yourself this question. Some teens hug their parents, siblings, and friends multiple times per day. They seek you out on the couch and sit right next to you. They are naturally very affectionate. However, these are not usually the kids who feel depressed or anxious.
It’s ironic that for the depressed or anxiety-ridden teenager, the thing that can help them to feel better is something they might hesitate to seek. Mom and Dad, this is where you come in. You can be conscious about giving your teenager affection. This doesn’t mean you necessarily have to wrap them in a big hug. It can be a pat on the back or a quick rub of the head. Just making the extra effort to have contact with your children can really help them thrive.
You now might be thinking one of two things. One possibility is that you are thinking it is inappropriate to touch your teenager. While you are probably not going to have the same sort of physical affection with your teen that you had when they were two, it is acceptable to show physical affection towards your children, irregardless of their age. Yes, now you should knock on their bedroom door before you enter and probably won’t be wandering into the bathroom while they are taking a shower. However, while they’re doing their homework it can be of tremendous benefit to their attitude and mood if you give them a quick squeeze of the shoulders. It also softens whatever you were about to say to them. For example, if you were going to say, “I’m glad to see you working hard on homework,” think about how that could be perceived sarcastically. Now think about how it’s likely to be perceived if it includes a quick affectionate touch- probably as a positive comment.
The second thing you might be thinking is, “My teenager won’t let me touch him.” You’re one of those parents who would love to hug your son or daughter, but they’ll have none of it. Just start where you can comfortably start. Maybe for a few weeks you’ll ask if you can help carry something they are holding. They will probably have incidental contact with you when they hand it to you. Perhaps you will offer to fix an out-of-place strand of hair, or help your teen into his jacket. You also might consider simply changing the rules around the house to require a hug before leaving and before going to bed. While it will be met with disgust and complaint, know that it is benefiting your teenager tremendously and that they secretly like it.
Physical affection toward your adolescent helps you too. Remember when your child was really young and sometimes screamed or threw tantrums? For a parent those moments are very frustrating. Picking your child up and holding her helped you reconnect the bond that was slightly damaged with the tantrum. Things are no different with your teen. They still throw tantrums (although they look a little different). You still need to work at reconnecting the bond. For a parent, physical affection is one of the best ways to do so.
Have fun being more affectionate to your teenager this week! It’s good for you; it’s good for them; it helps everyone’s mood.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Do you ever feel like you can’t find a good solution for a problem? You’ve tried and you’ve tried to fix something but it continues to challenge you. One example of this might be losing weight. You’ve tried a lot of diets and exercise plans, but you simply cannot lose the weight, or you cannot keep it off. Here’s a tip for getting “unstuck” wherever you are.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Help your teen be proud of who they see in the mirror- teach them to be significant. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Today in church I heard a great little tidbit from Pastor Rick Warren. He said, “Seek to be significant, not prominent.” I thought that was extremely applicable to the teenagers here in Orange County. We’re trained to differentiate ourselves, be a leader, and try to stand out from a very young age. The fact is though, there can really only be a few leaders. Everyone else has to be a worker-bee. We need to teach our teens that this is not a bad thing.
I have seen a number of teenagers in my counseling office who are struggling with the fact that they don’t stand out. Sometimes they are frustrated they don’t stand out academically. Other times they wish they could be the best athlete on their team. Still others desperately long to be the most popular teen in their school. They often see themselves as insignificant because they aren’t prominent.
For your adolescent to believe they lack significance because they are not prominent is a fallacy. Significance is something one decides to develop. It’s our job as the parents of our children to help our kids focus on doing significant things. It’s also our job to help them understand that these actions are not usually glorified, or attention-grabbing.
Here’s what I mean: It’s very significant for your teenager to go to a party where everyone else is drinking alcohol but they choose not to drink, and maybe even call you to pick them up. It’s significant for your adolescent to be one of the slower runners on their cross-country team, but they are always positive and cheering on the other runners. It’s significant if your teenager chooses to acknowledge and respect you in front of other kids, even when it’s unpopular. It’s significant if your adolescent volunteers at a soup kitchen on a Saturday morning before all their other friends are up; none of these things garner prominence.
If you work very hard at helping your children make a contribution to this world, and help them understand that for the most part those actions do not get them attention or accolades, you will help raise happy, self-assured, motivated teenagers. You will teach your teen what it means to have humility. You will help your adolescent know how to work hard. You will teach your child integrity and honesty. They won’t mind taking the longer road if it’s the right one. They will be patient, intentional, focused, and able to set long-term goals.
In short, if you teach your teenager the importance of being significant, whether or not that gets them prominence, you will help them develop strong character and inner contentedness.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Anxiety sucks! It’s the constant worry about things out of one’s control. It can be physical too. Do you ever have those days where your body is irritated or agitated for no good reason?
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens are consistently short on sleep. Image courtesy of Sira Anamwong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
School, sports, homework, social life, texting…these are all things that get prioritized above your teenager’s sleep. There honestly is enough time in a day to accomplish all these goals, but barely. If your adolescent isn’t carefully managing his or her schedule, sleep will get put on the back burner.
The average teenager needs to sleep 9 hours and 15 minutes each night! If they have to get up for school at 6:30am, that means falling asleep at 9:15 the night before. For the vast majority of teenagers, this is definitely not happening. They sleep around 6 hours per night during the school week, and then sleep 12+ hours on the weekend.
Here’s the problem with getting inadequate sleep during the week. Your teen is more likely to have depression, irritability, struggle to remember things in school, be less efficient, have a weaker immune system, have more acne, might have weight gain, and lead to an unhealthy diet (people crave more sweets and fats when they’re tired, and they use more caffeine). These are not small issues.
Sleep needs to be one of the top priorities. As a parent it is important to force the issue when it comes to sleep. Insist your teenager gets at least 8 to 8.5 hours of sleep during school nights. This doesn’t mean they lay in bed looking at their phones, it means truly asleep. Do whatever you have to. Many adolescents don’t have the will-power to turn off their devices, or text their friends less often so their homework is finished sooner. It might be up to you to restrict their use.
I have worked with a huge number of teenagers who come into counseling for symptoms of depression. When we get them back on track with their sleep, their symptoms improve rapidly. They feel more energized, are nicer, do better in school, and are overall happier.
I know it’s really hard to tell your kids what to do at this point. However, some things need to be non-negotiable. Help your teenager be his or her best self by getting regular sleep. A great number of parents spend time and money getting their teens treatment for their skin, getting help for depression, getting a tutor in difficult subjects, etc. They forget to try the simplest thing first, which is more consistent sleep.
One challenge adolescents face when dealing with sleep is their circadian rhythm. Adults and small children naturally want to go to bed a little after the sun goes down and wake up a little after the sun comes up. Teenagers go through a phase where they want to stay up late and sleep in late. It’s not just that your child is being irresponsible with their schedule, it’s that their body naturally prefers this schedule. Most high schools though start very early in the morning, making the preferred sleep pattern impossible. As a result a lot of kids stay up really late and then fight with their alarm each morning. this added challenge makes it especially important for you and your teenager to work together to help them get enough sleep during the week.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
