Back to School Anxiety
It’s hard to go back to school if you feel nervous about it. It’s even harder if you have full on anxiety.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
How to End a Codependent Relationship
Codependence is emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually exhausting.
Ending a relationship in which you get a lot of your value from helping someone who does not necessarily want help is a huge challenge. You believe this person would fall apart without you. They might tell you things like, “I will kill myself if you ever break up with me,” or “The only reason I don’t use drugs again is because you keep me sober.” However, their behavior is still very unhealthy and you are completely caught in it.
When you finally decide it’s time to get out of the relationship you need to realize 6 very, very important things:
1. You have value to this world whether or not you are associating with this person. There are many, many people who love you and think you are worth a million bucks just because you’re you. You don’t have to earn their love.
2. When you end the codependent relationship, whatever actions the other person takes are not your fault. If the person goes on a bender and then blows up your phone with texts that tell you it’s your fault, you HAVE to remember that it isn’t your fault. You are never, ever responsible for what someone else chooses to do. You didn’t hold a gun to their head.
3. You’ve been manipulated for a long time. You are so used to hearing that you’re a piece of garbage when you don’t do whatever the other person wants, and then that you are a savior whenever you show up and save them from themselves. It’s really hard to get used to just being responsible for yourself.
4. It is imperative that you cut off contact for awhile, and maybe indefinitely. Even though you are making a healthy choice for yourself, if you get a call that they are thinking about suicide, your heartstrings will be pulled, forcefully. You will want to rush into the situation and save them again. It is really hard to resist. However, if you give in you will be completely entrapped again.
5. Focus on what you mean to do with your life. Write down the ways you have given up things you shouldn’t have just to keep this other person sane. Write down money you shouldn’t have spent, lies you shouldn’t have told, friend you shouldn’t have lost, trust you shouldn’t have broken, etc. On the other side of the paper write down who you were before this person affected you so deeply. This is who you can be again if you stay away from the toxicity of a codependent relationship.
6. Most threats are idle threats just to get you back. For the most part if you stop responding to these desperate pleas for help, someone else will step in. This person has always come to you because you have had poor boundaries with them.
There are two really good, emotionally safe places to go if you struggle with codependent thinking and behavior. The first is Alanon. This is a great place to go if someone you are close with is addicted to drugs or alcohol, and you have helped enable their addiction. The second is CODA, which stands for Codependents Anonymous. This is for anyone with any codependent behavior, whether it is being “too” helpful to someone with a drug problem or “too” helpful to someone with mental illness, etc.
If you’re a young adult and you’re reading this, we have some therapists on staff who are able to provide you additional support as you work through this. We know it’s not easy.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
A Quick Tip For Social Anxiety
Social anxiety is really hard for those who deal with it. There is nearly a feeling of panic each time an uncomfortable social situation arises. This can range from meeting new friends, to attending something with a large group of people, to a fear of being negatively evaluated during some type of performance. In each case the fear is very intense and totally overwhelming.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
A Follow-Up to How To Repond if Your Teen Announces They’re LGB or T
If your teen tells you he/she is LGB or T, there is a lot for you to consider. Your intial reaction is very important. But, if you’ve already reacted, what you say next is still critical.
Your teen has two primary things to accomplish at his age. 1. He needs to find his “tribe.” 2. He needs to figure out his identity. Erik Erikson promoted a developmental theory a long time ago which is still widely accepted in the developmental psychology world. I agree wholeheartedly with his 5th stage, which is called “Identity versus Role Confusion.” Your adolescent is trying to learn about who he is. He needs to understand where he fits, who he fits with, and what his place is in the world. In the process of landing on an identity that works for him, he will try on a few different ones.
This isn’t to say that if your adolescent says she is gay she doesn’t mean it. She very well could be and may never shift from that position. However, in the decade that I’ve done counseling with teens, I’ve seen many teens change their minds about these types of statements as they move into a new temporary identity. This doesn’t just apply to their sexuality; it can be absolutely anything. I’ve seen it range from changing the college major several times to trying out different religions. It’s just what teens do. So, don’t panic when you hear any announcement about an identity that you’re not comfortable with, and don’t celebrate when you hear an announcement about identity you love; be patient because the one constant with teens is change.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Bullying and Gossip Can Ruin A Teen’s Self-Esteem…My Story
Bullying can cause your teen to appear depressed.
Image courtesy of Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
6th grade was hell for me. The girls in my carpool used to get out of the car and shut the door before I could get out. They’d walk off as fast as possible so they didn’t have to walk with me. When I’d get on the campus and try to stand in the circle of other 6th grade girls who were talking, they’d squeeze together so that I couldn’t stand with them. If I wore a shirt that any other girl had, they’d call me a “biter,” whatever that means. I came home crying all the time. Finally, my mom had had enough. She didn’t call the school. She did lock all the doors when the carpool got to school and told them sternly to stay put. She firmly told them their behavior was inappropriate and rude. She expected them to walk with me onto the campus, and always smile and wave when they saw me. She said if they said anything rude behind my back, talked about this little chat with other kids, or made me cry one more time she’d take it up with their parents. I was embarassed, but the rest of the school year was tolerable after that.
Your teenager comes home in tears. You ask what’s wrong and at first they don’t want to tell you. Then, after some prodding, they tell you there are some kids being mean at school. You ask what they’ve said or done. You’re teenager lets you know he’s been teased in the locker room because he’s hit puberty early, or late, or really it could be anything. Anything that’s a little bit different about your child is fair game. Adolescents are wonderful in so many ways; they’ve begun to have a sense of humor, take responsibility for themselves, and assert a lot of independence. However, adolescents are just awful in other ways.
Your daughter is in middle school, typically the worst age for bullying for girls, and she seems really down. Again, she won’t tell you what is wrong. It’s almost always a safe bet that there is something going on at school with friends. This is an age where pre-teen and early teenage girls are extremely sensitive to what others think of them. Your daughter tells you that at lunch her usual group of friends were all looking at her and whispering. She is certain they were saying mean things behind her back.
Some of the situations your teen children deal with are very normal. The two situations described above are extremely uncomfortable for your teenager to live though, but are typical. The situation I dealt with was a little bit more extreme, but still borderline bullying. In these situations try your best as a parent to help your teenager cope. The kids who fare best in these situations can laugh it off and dish it back out. If you teach your teenager to banter with other teens, remind them repeatedly not to curse, use physical force, or say anything mean. Help them know the line between what is being said in good fun and what is being said to just provoke. Teach them not to provoke, but to joke back enough that they are perceived as having a good humor. Teenagers are constantly chiding one another because they’re just discovering sarcasm. They try it out on each other and in the process of learning its limits, can sometimes be mean. If your kid seems to let it roll off, and even laugh at the things being said about/to them, the other kids will genuinely like them. On the other hand, if your adolescent is defensive, overly emotional or enraged, it will encourage more teasing and make them a bit of an outcast.
There are circumstances that qualify as true bullying. Don’t call the school’s vice principle to complain that your child is being bullied because it seems there might be a few people whispering about her. However, if she is being called names on a consistent basis, being physically threatened, or in any other way harassed, it is time to step in and take action. Your teenager may resist your involvement for fear of being even more disliked, but you have to recognize that teenagers don’t always know what’s best for them. The sooner it stops, the easier it will be for your child to go to school without distress.
In summary, to help your teen navigate the social politics at school, including bullying, keep in constant conversation. Help them to know home is a safe place where they will never be teased in a mean way, and where they will be loved no matter what. Be vigilant to see if your child is the bully, and put your foot down immediately to stop it if they are.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Philosophy
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
For Teens
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