Many teens are overwhelmed in today’s culture (about one third). Constant activity exhausts them. The activity isn’t always physical. They can appear to be resting, but they are still stimulating their mind with screens. There is literally no downtime. Between screens, scheduled activities, and a highly competitive culture, yes, our overwhelmed teenagers are everywhere.
Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
In an America where we feel pressure to give our kids every edge, it’s hard to discern what is important and what isn’t. I’m a mom, and I struggle with this too. We seem to think everything is important. We’re all worried about building their resume so they can look good to colleges. We love our kids and we want to give them the opportunity to build a good future. But what does that mean? Is a good future just career opportunities? What about learning to balance passions with work? What about making sure adolescents learn self-control with how to budget time? It’s very hard to help teenagers navigate their future in this post-modern era.
Are Overwhelmed Teens Really Set Up for Success?
What if we spend so much time making sure the chance to succeed exists that we forget to teach our overwhelmed teenagers what to actually do with the opportunity? What if they get to the college of their (or maybe your) dreams but then they aren’t mature enough to make the most of their education?
Teens need to learn some very essential skills growing up. They need to learn how to function in a working environment (usually accomplished through school and first jobs). We are really good at focusing on that. However, there is a lot more to being a successful adult than just knowing how to get a good job. Your adolescent has to also learn how to take care of himself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. It’s important to have a child who knows how to make good food and exercise choices. Your child has to know how to cope with challenging emotional situations. You want your teen to have a relationship with their faith. It’s also important for your child to know how to build and maintain friendships. There are so many facets to a “successful life.”
What Can I Do to Help My Teen?
If you find your teenager is feeling overwhelmed all the time, it’s time to get back to basics. Chances are there is too much emphasis on developing one area of their person. Perhaps they are playing a high level of sports that requires 20+ hours per week of their time. Unless your child is going pro (and they most likely aren’t), that’s excessive. That’s too much emphasis on one thing. Or, in other cases teens experience overwhelm because they have 5 AP classes. That’s also too much emphasis on one area. Balance in life coupled with knowing how to achieve goals is ideal. Work on balance. Work on helping your teenager think through what matters for THEIR life instead of what their friends are all doing.
A Personal Story of an Overwhelmed Teen
I know one young man who placed all his emphasis on developing the ability to work. He took multiple AP classes and went to USC. That’s quite an accomplishment. However, when he got there, the rest of life caught up with him. He didn’t know how to relate to people without succumbing to peer pressure. Between partying in college and not knowing how to handle it, he failed out. So, he ended up at community college and living at home. Likewise, he spent the next two years catching up on maturing in the other areas of life. Finally, he transferred to LMU, graduated and got a good job. He ended up fine, but he had a massive struggle because he worked too hard on one area of life throughout his adolescence.
Wrapping It Up
So, if your teen is consistently overwhelmed, take a look at the balance in their life. See whether they might be working too much at one thing and neglecting another. Help them establish goals to be a whole person instead of just one dimensional. Hopefully that helps, but if they continue to feel overwhelmed, please feel free to reach out. Usually overwhelmed adolescents are simply too busy, but sometimes there is something else going on. In those cases, therapy can be helpful.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Sleep is vital to your teen. Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net.
Importance of Good Sleep
I’m bringing up teen sleeping habits because I hear parents express concern over this in my therapy office all the time. I have to admit, how well and how consistently your adolescent sleeps is a really big deal.
Good sleep has very strong links to happiness, immune functioning, ability to perform in school, memory, safe driving, and the list goes on.
Why Are Teens Short on Sleep?
Teenagers are notorious for foregoing sleep in order to complete homework assignments, text their friends, play video games, and go on TikTok. However, none of these are a good excuse not to get about eight hours of sleep per night. If your teen is occasionally staying up late to finish an assignment that’s one thing, but if they do this night after night, this is a problem.
Surprisingly, adolescents still need a hard and fast bedtime. Furthermore, you have to enforce it. It’s essential for their health and well-being. If they have trouble waking up in the morning for school, then it means they aren’t sleeping enough. That’s their body telling them to get to bed earlier.
The Family’s Role in Good Teen Sleep
Interestingly, there’s a good chance if your teen has poor sleep habits you do too. So what steps can you take? Firstly, get yourself on a good sleep schedule, and stop watching late night TV. Your sleep is absolutely more important! As a result, you will be more productive at work, nicer to your family, a more enjoyable friend, and you will quite possibly shed those few extra pounds that have been nagging at you. Essentially, people who sleep well actually crave healthier foods and exercise more easily (they are more energized).
Secondly, prioritize this aspect of health in your family culture. There is a tremendous emphasis on the foods we eat and the amount we exercise in today’s culture. Obviously that’s reasonable. On the contrary, there’s not nearly enough discussion about the value of sleep in one’s overall health. Getting enough sleep improves immunity, thought clarity, lowers disease risk, and prevents injuries. And, it feels good!
What if My Teen Sleeps Too Much?
On the other hand, if your worries about your teenager’s sleep come from the other side of the spectrum, there are different concerns. For example, if your teen naps often and also sleeps eight plus hours per night, then I have a different set of concerns. Excessive sleep is a symptom, but there are many differing problems that cause hypersomnia in adolescents. Here are a few: depression, drug use, endocrine issues, and physical illness. It’s very important to talk with your doctor in this situation. Your doctor might recommend psychiatry or therapy, but your doctor might also catch something else that’s wrong. In any case, for your teenager to need a total of more than 10 hours of sleep per 24 hour stretch warrants a conversation with a doctor.
Once you get the family back on a good sleeping schedule, everyone’s life will be better, and everyone in your household will be happier. Our therapists at TTOC love to talk about sleep! We want to help everyone in your family sleep more and sleep better. We especially believe in its importance for your developing teenager.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Living with PTSD feels like a sea churning within.
Grief and Loss and Trauma
Five years ago, I was referred a client for an anxiety disorder. However, it became clear pretty quickly that she had PTSD. Also, the client had a separate therapist for grief because she had lost her father to cancer. Tragically, it was a long and ugly battle. At points he wasn’t aware of who his family members were. He dealt with many physical indignities, which were sometimes witnessed by his children. Sadly, it was cancer at its worst.
Eventually, this client’s PTSD symptoms showed. They came after witnessing the suffering her dad endured. So, not only did she have to work through tremendous grief, but she had nightmares and startle responses and avoidance and hypervigilance all related to the healthcare system. One day, a grandparent went into the hospital. When the client came to her therapy session, she endured a complete panic attack at the thought of visiting.
Unfortunately, trauma and grief often go hand in hand. If your teen is dealing with trauma related to the situation that caused grief, then your teenager may struggle to even start grieving. The act of grieving can trigger a trauma response.
What causes PTSD?
By technical definition, PTSD is when someone witnessed an event causing immense suffering or potential death to the self or someone close to the self. The traumatic response occurs within 3 months of the traumatic event(s). For the first month after the event occurs, we call it “Acute Stress Disorder.” However, if it hasn’t resolved by the 1 month mark, then it becomes PTSD.
If your teenager loses someone close to him or her, your teen has the possibility of developing PTSD related to the event. However, the majority of teenagers do not develop PTSD after a death. This means you cannot automatically assume your teen was traumatized by the death of someone close. Being traumatized means having an extremely distressed response after the fact.
What are some symptoms of posttraumatic stress?
Adolescents with posttraumatic stress exhibit a mixture of symptoms. Common ones include nightmares, flashbacks (reexperiencing the event after a trigger), hypervigilance, paranoia, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, trouble concentrating, and guilt or shame. One of the first things I notice as a therapist who treats PTSD is a strong avoidance of certain situations. For example, in the case of the client from the beginning of this post, she strongly avoided doctor’s offices and especially hospitals.
What do I do if my teen has grief and traumatic stress?
You get help. Typically, PTSD and grief become complicated. PTSD responds to treatment, but the treatment is complex. Thankfully, if a therapist helps your teen calm down their whole mind and body instead of remaining in a stress state, then your teen can start the grieving process. Getting through some of the grief also lessens the stranglehold of guilt and anxiety that PTSD has on its sufferers.
How is PTSD treated?
There are several methods for therapeutic treatment of PTSD. The two discussed here are primarily what we use at Teen Therapy OC. Firstly, we use EMDR (usually done by Carrie Johnson). This is a form of treatment that should establish different neural pathways for trauma cognitions. The idea is that the sufferer of PTSD no longer runs into the same emotional dead-end when trying to process trauma.
Secondly, we utilize CPT (cognitive processing therapy). Veterans with PTSD often use CPT, but it also works well with the non-military population. CPT seeks to reduce the shame and guilt associated with PTSD. This reduces the power of negative thoughts in the trauma process, which relieves the cycle. Typically, teens who complete the CPT protocol show marked improvement in their PTSD diagnostic scores. At TTOC Lauren or Mark does this therapy.
Call if You’re Unsure
In any case, if you are reading this post, then your family may have been through something very difficult. Our hearts go out to you and your teen. Please feel free to call and talk about your situation to see if therapy makes sense for you. The phone call is free.
Grief hits at different times. Grief in adolescents often happens right away and then reemerges again later in life. It frequently coincides with major milestones. Delayed grief simply means grief that comes well after the tragic event.
Sometimes adolescent grief becomes depression.
An Adolescent Grief Story
It’s now been years since her mom died. She can still remember those final days. There was so much waiting. She felt a sickening sense of inevitability that almost made her impatient for its end. Then when it finally came, it was both horrible and an odd relief. Her mom had just been sick for so long.
She expected the waves of grief that came after. Everyone had told her they would. They promised to check in on her and that she could cry whenever she needed to. She found that both comforting and intrusive.
Now she’s eight years older. She’s close to finishing high school. She has a steady group of friends, a place at a college this fall, and has blossomed into a beautiful and poised young woman even without the guidance of her mom for the day to day. So why she wonders is she suddenly stricken with a depth of delayed grief that feels as fresh as if mom just died?
What Do the Experts Say?
Jazmine, our therapist who specializes in grief and loss in adolescents, notes that people often go through bouts of delayed grief when they hit major milestones in their life. The young woman described above is about to graduate high school. This rite of passage marks the transition from childhood to adulthood. It is an event most every child wants their parents to witness. On top of that, the transition out of childhood feels foreign, exciting, scary, and overwhelming. Teenagers like knowing they have a safe landing place where they can retreat to the comforts of childhood when adulting feels exhausting. This girl is naturally longing for her mother in this situation.
Relationships with Our Loved Ones Continue On
The part that confuses this girl is why she longs for a mother she only knew as a child. What she isn’t thinking about is that her relationship with her mother has continued. Firstly, she has never stopped loving her mom. Secondly, she still talks to her. Thirdly, she has a sense that her mom would be proud or her mom is watching from time to time. This relationship is still part of the core of her being.
Although her dad doesn’t talk about her mom as much as she’d like, she still is learning new things about her mom’s personality every time she’s with her grandparents. All through high school she has created a sense of her mom in her life collated from her own memories, anecdotes others have shared, and a composite of her favorite things about her friends’ moms. So, when explained this way, it’s only natural she is feeling a keen sense of delayed grief as she readies for an enormous change in her life.
Jazmine also tells us this girl is likely to experience grief again when she completes college, when she gets married, when she has her own children, and when she copes with tragedy and strife.
Delayed Grief Years Later
Grief is long. It retreats from a pain so acute that one cannot breathe into a dull ache. It becomes easier to set aside for a more convenient time as there is distance between the loss. However, it becomes something we live with, not something we get over. Hopefully, living with the grief gives us a dignity and wisdom instead of bitterness and anger. While it is a universal human experience, that is not the case for teenagers. This means there are less people who know what to say and how to support a teen going through loss. That is where grief therapy can help.
If your teenager is dealing with acute grief or delayed grief that is reemerging after a long latency, please feel free to call. While we might not necessarily recommend therapy, we are always happy to be a sounding board as you sort through what to do.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Living with chronic illness feels much like a sea churning within.
Therapy for Chronic Illness is useful in treating one layer of chronic sickness or chronic pain. At the bottom is the baseline problem in the body causing the chronic illness. This is something like POTS or cancer. The second layer is the physiological symptoms. Here you find dizziness, joint pain, exhaustion, etc. The top layer, where therapy is helpful, is the psychological contribution to the body’s suffering. This is the stress your teen experiences because of and about the disorder. Your teenager probably has a level of isolation and modification to regular life that is depressing. Also, your teen may experience fear of causing a flare-up with increased activity. These psychological aspects of chronic illness and chronic pain/injury decrease emotional and relational quality of life, which we all know leads to slower physiological healing.
Counseling helps a lot with the top layer. So why should you consider therapy if your teen has chronic illness or pain? To reduce isolation, strategize about how to work through fear of relapse when the fear limits activity your teen is capable of, focus on purpose that can be achieved even with physical limitations, and work towards finding joy even when your teen isn’t happy. In other words, some form of counseling or support for chronically ill teens is essential.
An Example Case: Therapy for a Teen with POTS
When you have something like POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome), you can spend a lot of time feeling dizzy. Some people find they faint. This especially happens when they get too hot or go from lying down to standing. It also occurs at random. Knowing you could faint without warning and that you are apt to feel very dizzy at any time causes fear of feeling that way.
Several years ago I saw my first POTS client. I don’t even know how she came to see me for therapy because I had no experience with chronic illness at the time. In fact, I didn’t even have my own diagnosis of lupus yet (although by then I wasn’t feeling well on a regular basis). This sweet, gentle, kind teenager was living with constant anxiety. It turned out she was really, really afraid of getting dizzy. When she had been at her most ill, the room spun so much that she dared not even open her eyes. She spent days and then months in bed.
So, how did therapy help her? She was sent to me because I had experience using cognitive-behavioral therapy with teenagers. When it became evident that she had already done a lot of the medical work necessary to live tolerably with POTS, then I realized she had the aforementioned layering to her symptoms.
Layering for the Teen with POTS
At the root of this particular teen’s issues was POTS. The second layer was her miserable symptoms. She felt a lot of brain fog, dizziness, nausea, and fainting without much warning. The top layer for her was a fear of fainting unexpectedly. It generalized to fear of dizziness because to her that was a sign fainting was likely. She developed a lot of anxiety. To control the possibility of fainting, she lay in bed for hours every day. She became physically weak and socially isolated. This increased her anxiety. But, what does anxiety cause if it rises to the level of panic? It causes brain fog and dizziness. So now, how was she to tell which was which?
After she attended the fabulous Mayo Clinic PRC in Rochester, MN, she came home knowing how to manage a lot of her physical symptoms (the middle layer). She still had dizziness and brain fog related to anxiety. Therapy made a significant impact on the top layer of her suffering as she was taught to use cognitive behavioral therapy methods to confront her fear of dizziness and associated anxieties. In her case, the Mayo Clinic doctors told her there wasn’t a direct cure for the bottom layer of her illness (POTS), but that it could be tolerably managed. Because of hard work, her life improved enough for her to return to school and start socializing again.
Counseling for Chronic Illness
How does therapy help with this? Counseling isn’t medical healthcare. So, it doesn’t help at all with the root cause of your child’s disease. Counseling also has little impact on the middle layer of the cake, which is the physical discomfort that you and your teen seek to manage with medical intervention. Counseling for chronically ill teens is quite helpful with the top layer of the cake. It can help your teen learn to discern when pain is caused by a physiological process in the body versus when it’s caused by stress and anxiety about the illness. By reducing stress, anxiety, loneliness, and depression, therapy for chronic illness helps bring the intensity of suffering down a notch or two.
Support for the Family
The counseling process also helps families living with the person suffering from chronic pain and illness. You have to walk on a tightrope of doing for your teen where they can’t without being an enabler. You must not do for them where they can do for themselves. Firstly, you will create a learned helplessness in your child. Secondly, if your teenager does all he can, then they can retain as much physical and emotional strength as possible. It’s just that it’s incredibly difficult for a parent to know which side of the line they are on. You don’t want to convey a lack of sympathy, but you also don’t want to prevent your teenager from living as fully as possible. Therapy can help you ferret out the mixture of flexibility and discipline your chronically ill adolescent needs from you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
