Are you codependent with your teen addict? How do you ever stop chasing the addicted teen? Almost certainly you have heard the advice that someone must reach rock bottom. But you fear, ‘What if rock bottom is death?’ That is such an overwhelming, driving fear for parents that codependency with a teenage addict is almost impossible to avoid. In my case, when I look into the faces of my children, I can tell you I will give my very life to save them.
Sometimes I think about how much Jesus loves us. Since he gave his life to save us, it seems like he is codependent. But then I remember he gave his life to save those who want saving. As a result, his gift on the cross doesn’t save someone who refuses it. In contrast, this is what codependent parents of teens deal with. They give gifts of a path to freedom from addiction to a teenager who doesn’t want it. Sadly, it ends up breaking the parent down and the teen doesn’t get better. Somehow, some way, you must wait (or force rock bottom) until your teen is ready to accept the gift.
A Poem Written About Codependency with an Addict
Addiction is heartbreaking for everyone in the family.
If This Poem is About A Parent Codependent with a Teen Addict…
What a powerful poem! It is soul-crushing to watch someone we love battle addiction. The author of this poem covers the extreme internal angst of codependency. Although I don’t know what the relationship of this author is to the addict, I picture it as a mother talking to her teenager. I imagine her seeing the child she knew inside and taking every desperate step to save that child. Unfortunately, as each step yields her no results, she realizes she is codependenct with her teen’s addiction. As a result, she eventually makes the gut-wrenching decision to stop preventing this child from hitting rock bottom. Thus she sees that is a step needed to stop teen addiction. Consequently, she is no longer willing to be codependent with her teen addict.
To sum up, if your teenager is coping with addiction, then my heart breaks with yours. I have watched teens fall into the deep pit of addiction to drugs, alcohol, pornography, or an unhealthy significant other to the extent they became almost unrecognizable. It is agonizing.
Helping teens grow, and families improve connection,
Disciplining teenagers doesn’t have to be a fight Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Disciplining Teens Effectively
Teen phone addiction is a growing problem, and it sometimes requires consequences to break the cycle. When your kids are little giving consequences is easy. You sit them in time-out for a few minutes if they misbehave. If your kids are throwing a temper tantrum you completely ignore them until it stops and they ask nicely. When they misuse a toy you take it from them. As they get older it gets harder. However, a lot of parents try and use the same techniques (albeit modified) with teenagers for teen phone addiction, ditching school, and talking back (among other behaviors) that they used with small children.
This is what I mean. A teenager violates a rule such as ditching school. You put them in “teenager time-out,” which means you ground them. Your teen “throws a temper tantrum,” which means they are talking back to you and possibly even screaming obscenities. You ignore them or argue back. Your cell phone addicted adolescent sneaks the phone at night, or in other words, “misuses a toy.” You take it from them. Some of these techniques work for certain kids, but for others, these types of consequences seem ineffective.
When Teens Ditch Class
How do you give consequences to a teenager? Your teenager is nearing adulthood. They need to feel the pain of adult consequences while you’re still there to guide them through it. When your teenager ditches school and the school calls to ask where your child is, it’s better not to bail them out by telling the school your kid came home sick, with the idea that you will handle the punishment. It’s usually better for your teen’s character development to tell the school that you don’t know where your child is, and you assume they must have cut class. You then ask the school to levy an appropriate consequence such as Saturday school. When your teenager comes home you very calmly tell them you received a call from the school today. You tell your teen it will be a bummer to serve Saturday school. If they ask you to help them move the Saturday school because they have work or a big game, etc., you just say calmly, “Well you felt old enough to decide whether or not you should attend class, so I guess that means you’re old enough to figure it out now. Good luck with that.” Don’t be sarcastic when you say this. Tell them also, “I have plans Saturday morning by the way, so I won’t be able to get you to the Saturday school. You’ll have to figure that out too.” Then you don’t discuss it or bring it up again. In fact, you act like you don’t really care. They might ask you, “Are you mad at me?” You respond, “I was at first, but then I figured that it’s your problem to solve.”
Why Grounding Your Teen Doesn’t Always Work
Do you see how much more effective this is than grounding your teenager? You refuse to take on their problems. Also, if you ground your teen then you have to enforce it. That makes you the bad guy when you refuse to let them attend their Saturday soccer game, or it makes you appear weak if you do let them attend. It also means they think of how “unfair” you are when they are grounded instead of the mistake they made; they don’t learn as much.
How to Deal with Teen Backtalk
Now for scenario number two, when your teenager is being disrespectful in the way they talk to you. If you don’t win the argument, you’ve lost. Even a stalemate means you’ve lost. How do you avoid this problem? Don’t argue. At all costs, avoid engaging in an argument. Keep repeating, “I’m not going to argue with you right now,” in a calm tone. You can also say, “We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” That gives you time to think and your child time to reassess their position and approach. Finally, if your teenager keeps at you, ask them, “What did I say?” Stay calm and avoid the argument, but don’t completely ignore them. Another thing you can say sometimes is, “I see what you’re saying. Let me think about that and get back to you in a few hours.” Just remember that nothing is ever on fire. Most of the time your adolescent thinks it is because adolescents are an impatient group, but it’s not. Do not let their urgency force you to respond faster than you can think through something. Buy yourself some time.
An Idea for Excessive Teen Phone Use
Scenario number three is when you’re dealing with teen cell phone addiction. Your first temptation is to take their phone away. This actually creates problems for you in staying connected with them. It is better if you get the cell bill, highlight their cost, and set it on the kitchen table. When your teenager comes into the kitchen, ask them to take a look at the cell phone bill. Tell them calmly, “It looks like you have violated our request to moderate your cell phone usage, so you will need to pay for the phone on your own this month. We pay the bill on Friday, so by Thursday you need to come up with a plan for how you will get me that money.” Then go back to what you were doing and let them solve the problem. They will likely argue with you or say, “I don’t have that kind of money.” Let them know you are here to help them find a solution if they’d like your help.
The most important thing to take away from this is that you are letting them have most of the say in how they resolve the problem. If you come at your teen and angrily say, “You have screen addiction, so now you’re going to mow the lawn for the next ten weeks!” what have you taught them? They will mow the lawn and think about how you are unreasonable. If THEY come to you and suggest they will mow the lawn until they’ve worked it off, every time they mow the lawn they will think about how they watched too much Youtube. You avoid being the bad guy, and your teenager learns a valuable lesson!
Love and Logic- A Helpful Resource
For more great ideas on how to effectively, and calmly discipline a teenager, read https://www.loveandlogic.com/pages/preparing-kids-for-the-teen-world. It’s a wonderful, easily digestible resource for better parenting. We all know the “screenagers” of today need a lot of help with teen phone addiction, disrespectful talk to parents, and a million other things. As a parent, I greatly empathize with you in trying to parent today. There are many, many challenges. We are each doing our best because we love our teenagers. Sometimes setting things up a little differently makes discipline a lot more effective.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Attachment theory has been around for a long time. It is based on research originally done by Mary Ainsworth. It was an advancement of a theory created by John Bowlby’s observations. But really, you probably don’t care as much about the names as you do about what it means for you. So on to the point: There are several styles of attachment. These describe the relationships babies/toddlers develop with a primary caregiver (usually the mother).
1) Secure Attachment: Seeking out a parent/caregiver for comfort when distressed. Feeling safe to explore the environment because trust exists that the caregiver will be there as a safe base. 2) Resistant Attachment: Children who are very nervous around strangers and show a lot of distress when a parent/caregiver leaves, but refuse to be comforted when the parent returns either. 3) Avoidant Attachment: The young child is disinterested when parent/caregiver leaves, seems equally at ease with strangers as anyone else, and seems to show no preference for the parent/caregiver over a stranger when needing comfort.
Securely attached teens are the happiest teens. They really play out the role of a toddler on a larger scale. Your teenager will think of you as a homebase and check in sometimes. Your teen is comfortable exploring their world knowing you are there whenever they need to reset or take a breath. If something upsetting is happening, you are who they go to to sort out what to do next.
If you do not have this type of relationship with your teenager, don’t be hard on yourself. Just start from where you are. First try and think of the things in your home that might prevent this. Are you meaning to lovingly give correction but actually coming off as critical? Is your teen punished when he or she comes to you with a situation where a bad choice was made? Is there a lot of yelling and chaos in the home? Even if this doesn’t reflect your heart towards your child, are you coming across as indifferent by not listening well? Maybe you are on your phone too much or often preoccupied with work?
The first step in building a secure attachment with your teen is non-judgmental listening. Let them talk without you interrupting or giving an opinion. Thank them for sharing with you. If you feel advice is needed, ask if they want it. If your teen says no, try to remember that your highest priority right now is building a securely attached relationship, which means taking the longer view on every conversation for now
I know this is hard. I had a teen counseling client years ago from Newport Beach who came for anxiety therapy. Even still, this teen had a secure attachment with mom. Mom was really good at listening without judgement. It provided safety and in the long run allowed her to give input into the daily details of this client’s life. I want that for you and your child too.
Also, as a mom, I can tell you that you won’t do it perfectly everyday, and that’s okay. There is a lot of grace where there is a lot of love.
Parents who listen can help the relationship.
Credit: David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net
Through conversations with teens this week I have come to believe most of us don’t listen to them. I know that’s cliche. I also happen to think it’s true. We don’t listen to each other. How many people do you know who truly focus on what you’re saying as you’re saying it?
I used to marvel to my husband about Pastor Chris Goulard from Saddleback Church. Each time I’d spoke with him, I’d turn to my husband afterwards and say, “It’s incredible how Pastor Chris makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world when I’m talking with him. Do you feel that way when you talk to him?” My husband would always confirm he also felt like the only person who mattered when he was talking to Pastor Chris. This was all the more amazing because Pastor Chris is a really busy man, and yet if you stop him before or after a church service, he gives you 100% of his attention for as long as you seem to need it. Do we listen to our kids that way? Do we teach them to listen to their friends that way?
I have to call myself out first. Other than when I’m in session with a client, I am not listening with my full attention. I’m thinking about what I have to do next, that my phone just chimed, or worst of all, I’m already thinking about what I have to say next. Thinking of what I have to saw next is actually arrogant. When I’m focused on what I have to say and just looking for a chance to interject it into the conversation, then I’m assuming what I have to say is more important than what you are telling me.
This week in therapy the common theme that has arisen among my teenage clients is that they do not feel heard. When they talk to their friends, their friends are interrupting them or checking their phones. When they talk to their parents, their parents are buzzing around the kitchen, on their computer, or also on their phones. Consequently, when your teen is talking to you, they are also distracted.
My encouragement to you this week (and to myself) is to focus on really listening. Clear your mind of what you want to put into the conversation and let someone talk all the way through before you speak. In fact, let’s all try waiting one full second after someone finishes talking before we say something back. It’s short enough not to be an awkward pause but long enough for them to add more to the conversation if they have more to say.
My daughter is eleven. This is an age where she has A LOT to say, but she won’t say it unless she’s relaxed enough to let her thoughts flow. Tweenagers (11-13yrs old) are self-conscious by nature and can be a bit closed if they aren’t given enough space in conversation to work out their thoughts. I tried this technique of waiting one second before speaking with her earlier this week. The conversation we had was amazing! She ended up asking questions about some very deep thoughts she’s kept hidden in her heart. It crushed me to realize she’s had these questions for a long time, but I’ve been such a poor, distracted listener (and interrupter) that she never had the space to voice them.
Your kids have things to tell you too, but you will have to listen like Pastor Chris. When your teenager is talking to you about things, don’t make it your goal to get in some moral lesson, don’t show them that your phone matters more than they do, and don’t be thinking about what you want to say while they are talking.
Your teenager wants to know what he or she thinks and feels actually matters to you. Your adolescent wants to be seen by you. Truly listening is the best way you can show that you honestly care about what’s going on inside their minds and hearts. And, this is the path to a better relationship between you and your teen.
Taking and storing mental health medication properly is extremely important.
Image courtesy of marin at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
With permission, I pass on words of wisdom from a client. This person wants all of you to know that she wasn’t attentive in how she stored her medication, which led to it being ineffective. She said she kept it in her car so she could conveniently take it each morning as she left the house. She said she wants everyone to know that it got too hot in the car, which wasn’t good for her meds. For those of you taking meds, she encourages you to pay attention to the temperatures suggested on the label. She says once she began storing it properly, it worked better.
Now onto comments from two different teenagers dealing with extreme loneliness at school. There are many, many of you reading this who suffer from loneliness. Not having one or two good friends in your life is devastating at any age. For a teen it’s even harder because it’s so noticeable. You walk around your school campus and have nobody to sit with at lunch. You don’t know where to go at break. Even if you have a place to sit at lunch, you’re not included in activities outside of school hours. You might be “okay,” but without friends you’re probably not thriving.
My heart aches for you. We are wired to belong to someone. There are a few of us who genuinely don’t need people, but that is not most of us. Most of us need someone to belong to and we need someone to belong to us. This innate need is deeply ingrained. If you don’t belong to anyone at school and nobody belongs to you, please tell your parents. I know that discussion might be awkward, but your outlook on your entire life can change if you are given some tools to rectify the loneliness.
Sometimes loneliness is really hard to fix. Sometimes you have no insight into why you aren’t building connections with others. We always work on that in therapy because I have come to see it as a basic human need. Not having someone underlies at least half of the cases I see when a teen is refusing to go to school. It is also present in a high percentage of those I see who come in for depression and anxiety.
One of the first things to consider is going where you’re wanted. Some of you who are lonely do have people who like you, they just aren’t the people you have your heart set on. Usually these people are kind but maybe not as “fun.” Trust me when I tell you that these people are worth putting time into. Being in the popular crowd is far less important than having a place where someone is glad to see you each day.
Some of you don’t really have anyone you can identify as a place you can go. This is trickier, but not impossible. It becomes important to start looking around for who else needs a friend instead of who can meet your needs. It’s a change in mindset, but it does start the process of resolving the loneliness.
Finally, there are some of you who have enough social anxiety that you cannot bring yourself to do or say the friendly things necessary to get close to others. Give us a call in that case; counseling and/or group therapy can be of temendous benefit in those cases.
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
