It can be hard for teens to deal with anxiety on their own. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.
When to Seek Therapy for Anxiety
If your teen is overwhelmed and anxious, it’s hard to watch as a parent. It makes you worry and feel concerned. You might start to wonder if you should have them see a therapist. It’s often hard for parents to know, “When does anxiety warrant therapy?”
Here’s some things to look out for that might help you know when it’s time to call a counselor:
1. Your teenager says they are struggling to get rid of their anxiety.
If they are anxious about a very specific, time-limited situation such as an exam, that’s one thing. However, if your teenager is worried about something very long-term such as school in general, then they are struggling to control their anxiety. In that case, calling a counselor is a great idea.
2. Therapy might help if your teenager is having trouble sleeping because of stress.
If your son or daughter tells you they can’t fall asleep, or can’t stay asleep because their mind won’t stop spinning, there are a couple things you can try with them. Have them write down a list of worries, and a 1-sentence plan for each concern before bed. Sometimes this helps people let things go enough to sleep. They can also try prayer, meditation, or reading before bed. All these things are distracting and calming. If your teenager feels completely overwhelmed at night though, and can’t seem to figure out how to stop it, it’s probably time to call a counselor.
3. Your teenager is having panic attacks anxiety therapy might be warranted.
Panic attacks are caused by a completely overwhelming sense of anxiety that is so severe it manifests as physical symptoms. The heart races, there can be tightness in the chest, a shortness of breath, sweating and hot flashes, and sometimes nausea and vomiting. This almost always requires the assistance of a therapist. Often panic disorder also requires the help of a psychiatrist (medication).
4. Your teenager is extremely uncomfortable in social situations.
Your teen analyzes everything they said to someone to make sure it didn’t come across as strange. They feel really nervous around their peers. They wish they had more friends, but can’t calm down enough to be themselves. Their mind freezes and they almost can’t remember how to talk in front of other teenagers. Social anxiety is upsetting and debilitating for a teenager. It’s very important for their psychological development to get them help in this case.
5. This one will seem obvious, but when your teen asks for help.
A lot of parents don’t take their adolescents seriously when they ask for counseling. They assume it’s just a phase, and maybe they want to try it because their friends do it too. While that is sometimes true, most of the time teenagers ask for help when they feel desperate. Perhaps your son or daughter has dealt with anxiety for awhile, and finally has the nerve to let you know.
Parenting is so hard sometimes. We all wish it came with a clear-cut instruction manual. I know I do! It can be difficult to know the answer to the question, “When does anxiety warrant therapy?” Instead we’re left constantly shifting and adjusting to the different personalities our children have, and the changing phases they go through. Parenting is more like a dance or an art than an exact science. There’s no one size fits all answer to most parenting questions, and when to get your child therapy is one of those questions. At the very least feel free to call and we can talk it over. Asking is always free.
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Academics overwhelm every teenager at some point. Image courtesy of luigi diamanti at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Why Have Better Study Habits? To Lower Homework Stress!
Hi Teenagers, better study habits equals reduced homework stress! Who doesn’t want lower homework stress?
Are you completely burned out and sick of forever doing homework? Does it seem like a never-ending pile of pointless worksheets, essays, math problems, projects and labs? How I remember those days! Sometimes I had so much homework that I spent an entire Sunday just trying to catch up. On really, really bad days I remember staying up until I crashed, and then waking myself up at 3 or 4am to work on it again before going to school. Yuck!
The good news is if you work hard now, it pays dividends later. Once you finish school and have a job, you generally get to do your work at work. Home is for just being home. This isn’t always true as there are lots of jobs that require some extra stuff to be done at home, but for the most part you’re workday ends when you leave work.
However, being that you’re probably at least a few years of high school and several years of college away from no more homework, let’s talk about some things to do now to ease the burden. This information was given to me by a friend who tutors AP Physics students, and teaches at the high school level.
4 Tips For Lowering School Stress
1. Take the appropriate classes:
Challenge yourself and do your best. However, you don’t have to take every possibly AP class that’s ever been offered. For some of you, this raises your stress to a level where you don’t perform. Some of these classes assign so much homework that you come to hate them. It is important to learn that sometimes lower homework stress can equal better quality work.
Besides, even if you’re trying to get into a top notch university, that doesn’t guarantee your future success. What college you attend doesn’t actually mean very much a few years out of school. As a result, don’t over-focus on this. What is important is how well you do at whatever college you do attend. You will need to get to know the professors, and collaborate with one or two of them on projects and studies. This makes you a stand-out whether you attend community college or Harvard. So, for now, take classes that get you where you want to go, but stop there. Know your limits. There is more to life than just academic success.
2. Work while your working:
Part of the reason adults don’t have homework is because they work while they’re at work. When you sit down to do homework, focus on getting your work done. If you don’t allow your mind to wander, phone to distract you, or TV to entertain you, you really do get things done A LOT faster. You can probably read a page out of your history book each minute or two if you are really reading it. Also, you will absorb more of it so you won’t have to study as hard later.
3. Work smarter:
So many students don’t know how to study efficiently. It’s important to study what you don’t know, and just browse over what you do know. Skim read when you can, and read in depth when you need to.
4. Study regularly:
Cramming doesn’t work. It also inhibits your sleep. You perform better if you’re well rested.
This resource from UNC is excellent for learning how to study effectively in college. Thankfully, you don’t have to wait! Many of these ideas and techniques can help you now!
From the perspective of a therapist, following my friend’s advice can really help you reduce your stress. I want nothing more than for you to live a life you can enjoy, while still learning how to work hard. I want to see you mature into an adult who can withstand some pressure, but doesn’t create extra pressure because of bad work habits. School is an opportunity to learn how to work smart, and manage stress.
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Teens don’t want to be lectured all the time; it stops them from sharing with you. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Improve Your Parenting With Effectively Listening with Teens
Ever wonder why your teenager doesn’t talk to you? Have you ever missed the days when they were little and they actually shared what they did for the day? You hear about some of your friends whose teens share everything with them, and you wish that were you. Listening effectively with your teens can help your teen become more open with you.
Every week I sit across the therapy room from tens of adolescents. When they start counseling I always ask them whether they feel close with their parents. Some say yes and others say no. Of those who say yes, nearly all of their parents have one thing in common: they don’t judge what their teenager shares with them. Of those why say no, their parents usually have this in common: their teen does feel judgment when they share anything, so they stop sharing.
What kind of parent are you? It’s hard for us to self-reflect on this. It’s a fine line to walk anyhow because we need to course correct our children if they say something crass, or talk about a friend who is into some really bad stuff. On the other hand, if our kids are talking about how tough a Spanish test was, they will resent advice on how to study better next time unless they are directly asking for it.
Reflective Listening
For most people, listening reflectively is very difficult. We naturally want to help! When someone shares something they are having difficulty with, we want to fix it for them. Unfortunately this backfires a lot of the time. Teenagers end up perceiving advice as judgement. They feel frustrated with unsolicited advice.
According to Mindtools.com, effective listening starts with minimizing distractions. I know that seems obvious. However, showing you are listening distraction-free is important to your teen. Set your screens aside, sit down, and face them. It’s okay to ask the same from them. Note that some teens, especially males, speak more openly without direct eye contact. In that case, sit side by side.
If you would like to hear more and more from your teen, use all your strength to refrain from comment. You certainly don’t have to give your approval of things you don’t agree with. On the other hand, if your teenager is telling you about something one of their friends did, just nod along and say, “uh-huh.” In extreme situations you might have to get involved or give an opinion, such as if your teen says their friend is suicidal. However, if your teenager is talking about a friend who regularly cheats on their homework, try not to say anything about that friend being an awful person. The truth is, they might not be. They might lack integrity in their schoolwork, but only because they are desperate to improve a grade. While that’s not an acceptable excuse to cheat, it’s certainly something we can all understand.
For those of you who don’t have a really open relationship with your teenager, it’s tough. You probably don’t even know where to begin. Hang in there and be patient. Your teenager actually wants your affection and attention, but just not if it comes with a lot of negative commentary.
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Integrity is learned best by your example. Image courtesy of Teerapun / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Why Teach Integrity to Teens?
We must be teaching integrity to teens because it creates a sense of wholeness. It is a discipline in many religions that prevents us from experiencing internal distress. Likewise, it is hard to be internally incongruent with how we present ourselves. Similarly, teenagers who are taught integrity are able to feel high levels of self-esteem.
What Is Integrity and Why is it Important for my Teen?
1. Integrity: This means you are the same person in the light as you are in the dark. When nobody is watching your behavior, is the same as it is when everyone is watching? If you own your own business, do you declare all your income, even your cash? If you tell your children they cannot be sexually active outside marriage, are you sexually active outside marriage? Over time your teenagers can tell whether you are hypocritical when you can get away with it. They follow your example. If you exhibit and value integrity, they will too.
By modeling integrity to your teenager, you are teaching them how to earn trust. Teenagers trust their friends who don’t gossip about them, pay them back when they borrow a few dollars, and who keep secrets they promise to keep. Correspondingly, your teenager is much more trustworthy to others when your teen has integrity. This means that your teen will keep friends, earn respect from teachers, and get along better with you. Consequently, your teen will have high self-esteem.
How Does Therapy Help Teach Integrity to Teenagers?
Counseling for teens can be very important in teaching teens integrity. One of the main goals of therapy is self-discovery. It is a lot easier to be congruent to your values if you’ve explored what those values are. Counseling then encourages you to examine whether you are being true to those values.
For example, I (Lauren) profess to live by Christian values. When I went through my own counseling, I discovered I was spending an inordinate amount of time exercising. After more exploration, my therapist helped me see that I was not living to my professed Christian value of having God before all else. I was putting my own body shape and appearance before all else. In Christianity we call this having an idol. No wonder I was living with emotional knots! I wasn’t living with integrity. Things in my emotional and spiritual life improved significantly after this discovery because I got my behaviors in line with my heart.
What Can I Do to Teach Integrity to my Teen?
There are a few steps you can take to teach integrity to your teenager. First of all, take a few minutes to write out what values you hold in your heart. Secondly, write out how closely you live to those values. Thirdly (and this is the hardest one), write out the values you are showing with your behavior that you don’t actually want. Fourthly, commit to a few small changes that will help you line up with your values. Once you have this down for a few weeks, try repeating the exercise with your teen. Most will go along with you if you first admit that you also needed a tune-up.
If you think teaching integrity to your teen is too hard given what is happening in your family, don’t hesitate to contact us to see if counseling can help.
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Having a good parent-child relationship with a teenager is an achievable goal. Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Improving relationships with our teens is effort well spent. To some, the idea seems daunting. “How will I ever get my teen to respect and like me?” you wonder. Still, teenagers who have one caring adult in their life fare far better as adults than those who don’t (see developingchild.harvard.edu article). Hopefully, this means the interactions have an element of friendship underneath; this gives you more permission to have the parental interactions when they are needed.
Steps for Improving Our Relationship with Our Teens
Tracking The Improvement in Your Relationship with Your Child
That said, if you decide improving your relationship with your teenager is one of your new goals, then it’s time to plan. Firstly, let’s figure out a few reasonable ways you can track yourself to see how you’re doing. For example, if you yell when you’re frustrated, try writing a quick note on a calendar at the end of each day: “Good today,” or “Yelled too much today.” While it’s simple, holding yourself accountable is the key to changed behavior. The other key is sticking with it. It supposedly takes 7 weeks to change a habit. That’s 49 days. In theory, tracking behavior every day for a month and a half elicits change.
Be Patient with the Process of Improving Your Relationship with Your Adolescent
Secondly, you must be patient. When you become nicer to people in your family, they won’t even notice at first. They will go on reacting towards you the way they always have. Keep in mind, you probably have to give it about three weeks before you notice them starting to be kinder in return. For their part, your adolescents won’t even realize they are being nicer in return. It eventually just starts to happen. Sadly, many parents I work with lose patience with this process because it is hard to make a huge effort for three weeks. Also, it’s very challenging not to get caught up in the garbage your teen can dish out.
Give Yourself Grace When Learning to Get Along with Your Teen
Thirdly, have grace towards yourself. Unlike a New Year’s Resolution to run 4 days a week, you can’t measure your behavior and emotions in the same way. You can resolve to do 4 nice things for your teenager per week that you wouldn’t normally do, but you can’t decide to be kind 4 times per week and then have a perfect relationship. We have to be trying ALL the time to improve our relationship with our teens, while constantly forgiving ourselves for returning to our old ways. In essence, you have to push the reset button in your mind 20 times a day. When you do speak harshly to your teenager, or allow them to push you around, or whatever you’re trying to change, just take a deep breath and get back on the path. Eventually, this gets easier. I promise!
Eyes on the Prize (Getting Closer to Your Teen)
Finally, don’t lose sight of the reward at the end. You need to consistently visualize what things will be like once you’ve achieved the goal of an improved relationship. To this end, maybe you imagine hugging your son each morning when he’s on his way out the door to school. Similarly, perhaps you picture your daughter wanting to take a walk with you on a Saturday morning. Or, maybe you see yourselves sending funny little text messages to one another throughout the day. Whatever it is, don’t lose track of where you’re headed. Dave Ramsey always says, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” While he’s a money guy and I’m a psychology lady, I wholeheartedly agree.
To put it another way, you need a tangible goal to achieve. Don’t try and picture being best friends with your teenager. That’s not likely to happen anyhow (And you want them to have their own friends). Just keep your focus on things looking a little better than they do right now.
When to Seek Counseling to Get Along Better with a Teenager
For some of you, improving your relationship with your teenager feels like it’s beyond a simple blog post. In those cases, our counselors at Teen Therapy OC can help. We’re always happy to spend a few minutes free of charge on the phone with you or to answer an email or two. This helps you determine next steps such as whether therapy is the right direction.
In summary, counseling usually helps when there is little to no respect between you and your teenager. Also, some parents come to the point where they cannot trust their adolescent child. If that is you, therapy is a good place to start. And, if you suspect your teen’s mental health is a factor in why things aren’t going as well between you as they used to, therapy becomes vital.
Our Hope for You as You Improve Your Relationship with Your Teen
Our hope and prayer for you is that this is a year filled with joy and blessings in your relationships with your children. We pray also that you learn as much from them as they do from you. Yes we want times of teaching and learning, but we also want you and your teen to have fun and joy!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
