It’s easy to overindulge our teens. Photo Credit: Pixomar and freedigitalphotos.net
Teaching Teens Financial Responsibility in an Affluent Area
Orange County, CA, is an area known for its affluence. Many parents can give their teens things they never had growing up. I often hear teens in my office talk about what kind of car they expect for their 16th birthday, or how unfair it feels not to have the newest iPhone. Some of them have part-time jobs, but very few are expected to pay for their own extras. It can be easy to overindulge teens, making teaching teens financial responsibility difficult. However, it’s not impossible.
How Entitlement Starts
It’s not hard to see how this mindset develops. As a parent, you want to give your teen a better start than you had. It’s also easy to get caught up in the local culture of status and comparison. You’ll especially notice this when your teen starts applying to colleges. Many of their peers are applying to expensive private or out-of-state schools, and if they get in, their parents figure out a way to pay for it.
The Line Between Support and Overindulgence
Here’s the tough question: how much is too much? There’s a very fine line between giving your teen a head start and unintentionally raising them to feel entitled. The real cost of entitlement shows up later—often when your child becomes an adult and doesn’t know how to work through challenges on their own. The line between support and overindulgence is key to teaching teens financial responsibility.
When It’s Okay to Say No
It’s healthy for teens to hear “no” sometimes. It teaches them to weigh whether what they want is truly worth the effort. When I was 15, I wanted private group lessons to improve at field hockey. My parents said I could do it—if I paid for it myself. Since the combined price of the 10 lessons was $500, and I earned $5 an hour babysitting, it would’ve taken me 100 hours of work to pay for them. I decided to practice with a friend at the park instead. And you know what? I improved just as much.
A Lesson Beyond the Field
That experience taught me a far more valuable lesson than better stick skills: money costs time, and both should be spent wisely. I’m sure it was hard for my parents to say no, but I’m so glad they did. And for the record, I didn’t stick with field hockey all that long anyway.
When It’s Okay to Say Yes
You don’t always have to say no. Sometimes it’s perfectly reasonable to treat your teen or support them financially. It can be a great way to recognize their effort or reward progress. The key is balance—use your judgment to decide when to say yes and when it’s better for them to earn it. If your teen already has a working phone but wants a newer model, consider having them pay for it. They might decide it’s not worth it, or they might save up and learn valuable lessons about budgeting. Teaching teens financial responsibility isn’t about never paying for anything for you teen—it’s about being thoughtful and consistent.
Teaching Teens Financial Responsibility By Meeting Your Teen in the Middle
Another good approach is to meet your teen halfway. If they’re saving for a big purchase, encourage them to save for half while you cover the other half. For example, my daughter wanted a new surfboard. I told her I’d pay for half, but she needed to pay for the rest. This made the goal more achievable for her, while still teaching important financial responsibility. She found a surfboard she loves, and she feels proud of herself for saving for half of it. You can do the same thing with your teen.
Teaching Teens Financial Responsibility Starts at Home
It’s easy to fall into the trap of overindulgence, especially in a place where it seems like everyone else is doing it. But letting your teen earn their own extras teaches them confidence, pride, and self-sufficiency. It’s fine to cover some stuff, like sports equipment. But if your teen wants an upgraded version of something they already own, that’s a great opportunity to let them to pay for it themselves. Teaching teens financial responsibility doesn’t mean depriving them—it means giving them the skills and mindset they’ll need to thrive as adults.
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Teens can become easily demoralized if their parents don’t show them approval. Photo Credit: nenetus via freedigitalphotos.net
Show Your Pride
How often are you telling your adolescent you’re proud of them? Even when they’re acting out, there’s something to be proud of—some reason you’re thankful this child is yours. In this post we’ll explore positive parenting for teens and how to compliment them without being overly flattering.
Teens Still Care What You Think
Your teen needs to hear that you approve of them. Even if they act like your opinion doesn’t matter to them, it does. That’s often what arguments are really about—they want you to see and validate their perspective.
Positive Parenting for Teens By Avoiding Comparison with Others
Try not to compare your teen to other teenagers. Instead, compare them to their past self. It’s great to point out how they’ve grown. However, avoid backhanded compliments like, “Even though you have a long way to go, you’re better at math than last year.” That opening just undercuts the praise. Instead say something like, “I’m so proud of you! You’ve really come a long way in math.”
Be Honest But Encouraging
You don’t have to fake approval. You don’t have to say to say you like your teen’s drug-using boyfriend. But you can be honest and positive—tell your daughter she looks nice if she’s dressed well or praise her for keeping her room clean.
Positive Parenting for Teens By Looking for the Good
It’s easy to get stuck on the things that need improvement, but teens thrive on encouragement. They’re still developing, still learning how to act maturely and take responsibility. Many were literal children just a few years ago. Their frustration tolerance is low, and they often quit when they feel overwhelmed.
Avoid Flattery
You don’t have to constantly compliment your teen—it can feel smothering. Just avoid being negative. If your teen is struggling or making poor choices, talk with them kindly but firmly. Give appropriate consequences if they continue to disobey you. Never affirm bad decisions. They need honesty and support more than flattery.
Positive Parenting for Teens: Reinforce What’s Going Well
Be patient. Look for small wins and praise them for it. Try to avoid nitpicking, and make an effort to notice and acknowledge what your teen is doing well in a balanced, supportive way. When you highlight what your teen is doing right, you’re likely to see more of it.
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Listening to your teen requires your deciding to really listen. Photo Credit: freedigitalphotos.net/photostock
Are You Listening to Your Teen?
Are you listening to your teen? I mean, truly listening—not while scrolling your phone or stirring dinner, but giving them your full attention. Do you set everything down, look them in the eyes, and try to understand what they’re saying?
What Therapy Can Offer—And What You Can Too
Therapy can offer a lot to teens, but one of the most powerful benefits is actually something you can do for them at home. What is it? Simply giving your teen your full, focused attention. It’s hard to listen sometimes. Sadly, we live in a world full of things trying to distract us. However, we can choose not to give these things our attention.
What Listening to Your Teen Looks Like
When a teen comes into therapy to talk about something that’s bothering them, they can feel that I’m fully present. This is how they want you to listen to them too. Don’t fold laundry, leave the TV or music on, or examine your fingernails or clothes while they’re talking to you. Respond to what they’re telling you. Try saying, “Really! What happened?” or “No way,” or “That must have been really hard.” Match the emotion in their words—even if they don’t show much emotion outwardly themselves. If they tell a sad story with a straight face, respond with compassion anyway. That’s how they know you care.
The Power of Listening to Your Teen—No Training Needed
Of course, therapy involves more than just listening. I’ve spent years learning tools and techniques through reading, training, supervision, and reviewing my sessions. These are skills I’ve practiced over time—just like you’ve developed your own strengths and expertise in your career or everyday life. However, listening is one thing you can do without training. You just have to remember to set down what your doing, pause the music or TV, look directly at your teen instead of other things, and listen to your teen patiently and completely. Also, don’t plan how to respond to your teen while they’re talking to you. Just listen.
Being Tactful
Listening well makes teens feel seen, heard, and respected. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say, and it doesn’t mean you can’t share your opinion. However, you have to choose the right moment. Being tactful means knowing when to offer your thoughts. Being tactful is especially important when listening to your teen. Try to listen more than you talk. Most importantly, when they open up, keep the conversation centered on them—not on your experiences or how you would handle it. In other words, try to hear them instead of making them hear you.
What Being Tactful Looks Like
And make sure you don’t offer you’re opinion at the wrong time or too often. It might come across like you’ve just been waiting to share your thoughts instead of trying to understand theirs. Or that you think their problem is easy to solve and they should’ve figured it out themselves. Even if that’s not what you mean, that’s often how it feels to them. And if they disagree with your suggestion, don’t shut the conversation down or tell them they’re being unreasonable. Let them explain why they see things differently. Most importantly, when you do share your opinion, make sure your tone is warm and open.
Your Superpower As A Parent
However, you have a huge advantage—your teen wants you to hear them. They may not say it out loud. In fact they might seem like they don’t want your advice. However, I promise deep down your teen really cares about you listening to them and what you think. In fact, your teen cares more about you listening to them than anyone else on the planet. It might not always feel that way, but your interest in what they think and feel means more than anything a therapist, teacher, or coach thinks. Those people matter—but you’re their number one.
Just Listen
So, Mom or Dad—whoever is reading this—please take the time to really listen to your teen. It shows them how much you care. Set your phone down, leave your to-do list for later, and let go of the urge to plan how you’ll respond to them. Just listen. That quiet, focused presence can go a long way.
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Teens really know how to push a parents’ buttons, but there are ways to “fight nicely.” Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
How Argumentative Teens Use Condescension
Being condescending is hurtful and disrespectful, and no one can stand being talked down to. That’s mostly why teens do it. If you’re in an argument with your teen, condescension is one of their greatest weapons. Argumentative teens are masters of combining sarcasm with eye rolls, rude names, and more, just to get you frustrated. It’s natural to want to retaliate, but is that the right response?
What to Do When Fighting with an Argumentative Teen
When you’re in the middle of an argument with your teen and they’re being rude, it’s really tempting to snap back. But that’s not the right thing to do. Instead, the louder or nastier they get, the calmer you need to be. If they keep trying to argue or talk back, stand your ground. Let them know—gently but clearly—that if the attitude keeps up, they’ll start losing some privileges. That way, your teen has a choice. They can start being respectful, or they can keep being rude and lose some privileges.
Follow Through
When you tell your teen that they will lose privileges if they continue being rude and they’re rude anyways, make sure you follow through with what you said. For example, say you told them they’ll lose screen time if they don’t stop talking back, but they talk back regardless. Make sure you actually take screen time away. If you don’t, they’ll keep being disrespectful because they know they won’t really face any consequences.
Don’t Dismiss Your Teen’s Feelings
Be careful that you are not condescending toward your teenager, even if they’re being an argumentative teen. Oftentimes, a teenager tries telling their parents that something hurts them, makes them angry, or overwhelms them. In response, the parent dismisses the teen’s feelings as ridiculous. This frustrates the teen, and they’re likely to either shut down or become mean. Whether or not the teen’s feelings are easy to understand, dismissing your teen’s feelings makes them feel condescended.
What to Do Instead of Dismissing Your Teen’s Feelings
Try acknowledging your teen’s feelings. You don’t have to give into their demand if it’s silly or unreasonable. Show them you’ll work with them to find a solution to the problem they’re upset about, even if it’s not what they originally had in mind. Facing a problem together is more effective anyway.
Don’t Repeat Yourself When Fighting with an Argumentative Teen
Try not to repeat your position over and over again. If they can’t understand you the first time (or choose not to understand you because they don’t like what you’re saying), this won’t change if you say it again. I have a friend who handles this situation well. If she tells her kids no and they start to argue with her, she looks at them and says, “asked and answered.” That way, her children have no more room to argue with her. If they’re confused about what she told them, they can ask for clarification, and she can rephrase what she said. However, they can’t just keep arguing.
Combat Conflict with Kindness
Always remember that it takes two to fight. I know that’s old advice, but it’s still a good reminder for all of us (including me!). Stay calm, but be firm. It’s the best way to respond to an argumentative teen. Besides, after you use these tactics for a while, they’ll probably stop arguing!
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Parenting after a divorce is a huge challenge. Image courtesy of arztsamui / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
8 Tips On Parenting Your Teens After a Divorce
Parenting after a divorce is really tough. Especially if you have teens. It’s a huge adjustment for you and your kids, and things don’t always go smoothly. Here are 8 tips to help make things a little easier:
1. Focus on Your Own Household
You’re in charge of what happens at your house. It’s great if you and your ex can agree on parenting rules, but if not, don’t stress about what goes on at their place. There’s nothing you can do about it, so why worry? Just do what’s best for your kids when they’re with you.
2. Speak Kindly About Other Adults
Even if your ex remarried someone neither you or your kids like, don’t badmouth them in front of your children. It just makes things harder for your teen. They didn’t choose who their other parent brings around, so help them make the best of it. This is a key part of parenting after a divorce.
3. Don’t Feel Guilty About Money
Money can be a tricky topic after divorce. Maybe you have more money than your ex, or maybe they have more than you. Either way, don’t let guilt control how you handle finances. Stick to the agreement you made and don’t feel pressured to overspend. If your teen complains or compares, calmly explain the arrangement and remind them that love isn’t measured by money.
4. Don’t Stop Spending Time with Your Kids
Even if your teen doesn’t seem excited to see you, don’t stop showing up. Teens act like they don’t care, but deep down, they want to know you’ll fight for them. Stay consistent and make the most of your time together. Spending quality time with your teen is a vital part of parenting after a divorce.
5. Let Them Adjust to Your New Family
If you’ve remarried, don’t force your child to love their stepparent or stepsiblings. Be patient and let relationships develop naturally. Make sure they’re polite and respectful to everyone in the home, but don’t make them pretend everything’s perfect.
6. Make One-on-One Time a Priority When Parenting After a Divorce
When you’re parenting after a divorce, you can feel like you’re being pulled in a million directions. Don’t let this stop you from spending one-on-one time with your teens. Your time with your child is already split in half. Be sure to carve out moments where it’s just you and them—no new spouse, no step-kids, no distractions. They need to feel like they still have their own special relationship with you.
7. Be a Good Role Model
Make sure you’re still setting a good example for your teen. I know you’re going through a lot, but this is when they need you the most. Show them what it looks like to handle tough times with strength and responsibility. They’re paying attention to how you handle stress and big changes, so be someone they can respect. And don’t try to hide bad habits—teens notice way more than most people think.
8. Remember That Divorce Is Tough for Them
Even if your teen says they’re fine or they act like they don’t care, divorce is tough on kids. Give them extra patience and grace. They didn’t ask for this, and it takes time to adjust. This doesn’t mean you should excuse bad behavior, especially if your teen is doing something dangerous. However, if your teen is in a bad mood or got a bad grade on a test, understand that it’s been tough for them lately.
Stay Consistent and Patient When Parenting After a Divorce
Family life isn’t perfect, and parenting after a divorce can feel overwhelming. But if you stay consistent, loving, and patient, your child will know they can always count on you—no matter what. If you need any extra support for you and your teen, don’t hesitate to give me a call.
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Adolescents don’t always know how to express themselves well, so they might act out. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Why Teens Rebel: Understanding and Dealing with Their Behavior
Why do teens rebel? I promise there’s a reason. Most of the time, they’re upset about something but don’t know how to express it. Sometimes, they’re not even fully aware of what’s bothering them. Something in their world has shifted, and instead of expressing their emotions, they react in ways that don’t always make sense. Their behavior might seem totally random, but there’s usually a deeper reason behind it.
My Own Experience with Rebellion
When I was seventeen, I rebelled. My parents were moving to a new city just as I was heading off to college, but I told myself it didn’t matter since I wouldn’t be living with them anymore. I convinced myself I was fine and blamed my rebellion on my parents’ strictness. So, I acted out and was disrespectful. Looking back, I can see that my rebellion wasn’t about their parenting—it was about my fear of change and uncertainty about the future.
What’s the Real Reason Teens Rebel?
If your teen is acting out, ask yourself what’s recently changed in their life. Why do teens rebel? “Acting out” isn’t just typical teen mood swings—it’s when a usually respectful kid suddenly starts doing things that seem completely out of character. Maybe they’re skipping school, breaking curfew, or getting into trouble out of nowhere. However, don’t confuse acting out with other problems teens might have.
Teen Rebellion vs. Bad Habits
Acting out is different from a slow drift into bad habits, like gradually getting more into partying or vaping. For example, if a teen slowly starts smoking marijuana, that’s a budding addiction. On the other hand, acting out is if out of nowhere your teen smokes weed every day for a week. Both situations might need therapy, but they come from different places and need different approaches. Understanding why teens rebel can help differentiate between these behaviors.
What’s Setting Them Off?
So, what’s got your teen on edge? Did they just go through a breakup? Did you announce a divorce? Maybe money’s tight or a grandparent is moving in? Even if it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, it might feel like a huge shift to them. Teens process change differently, and sometimes, their way of dealing with it isn’t exactly logical. This type of stress can contribute to why teens rebel.
How Therapy Can Help
Step one in therapy? Stop any unsafe behaviors ASAP. Once that’s handled, the real work begins—helping your teen figure out why they’re acting out. Therapy helps them connect the dots between their feelings and their actions. Once they understand what’s really bothering them, they can start handling things in a healthier way. And the best part? Once they start feeling more secure, the rebellious behavior usually fades on its own. Therapy can significantly address the root causes of why teens rebel.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
