Parents who nitpick their teens can hurt the relationship. Credit: David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net
Reactions of Criticized Teens
Some parents criticize their teens to try to help them become good adults. Unfortunately, this can lead to negative consequences for the child. Teens who are overly criticized feel they cannot please their parents. They get so frustrated they either rebel or shut down. To them, making their parents happy seems hopeless.
Parents Who Criticize Their Teens
I have worked with teens who have parents that won’t stop criticizing them. When I ask the parents to share something good about the teen, they begin by saying something nice about the child, and then they turn it into a backhanded compliment. In those cases, the teenager looks at me and seems to be shutting down.
Why Your Teen May be Rebelling
If you feel your teenager is never really trying hard enough, is too sassy, and is defiant, try looking at the relationship between the two of you. Your teen may be rebelling because they feel they can never please you. If your teen feels too criticized, they will become uncooperative.
The Parent’s Argument Against This
You might say you’d be happy with your teen if they would only do X, Y, and Z, but your teenager doesn’t believe it anymore. Your adolescent would tell me that even if they did those things, you would think they could’ve done it better.
The Solution
If this describes the relationship you have with your child, it is important to start making changes right away. Don’t lose your relationship with your teen because they feel criticized by you, and you feel disrespected by them. Work on having fun with them. Don’t be so focused on who you think your teenager is supposed to be that you won’t let them be themselves.
Having a Good Relationship with Your Teen
Yes, you need your child to have responsible and respectful behavior. However, consistently making negative comments about what they eat, how they dress, who they’re friends with, how they played that last sports game, etc. will just drive them away. This will cause them to be defensive and angry, leading to both you and them feeling hurt. Over-criticizing your teen isn’t good for either of you; instead, focus on building a strong, healthy, and loving relationship with your teen.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teaching teens about money is very important. Image courtesy of sscreations at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Teaching Teens About Money
Teens and Money: How should you handle money with your teenagers (Keep in mind this is coming from the perspective of a therapist)?
How Do Bad Money Habits Start In Teens?
I have seen the inappropriate use of money with children and teenagers cause enormous behavioral problems in teenagers. Unfortunately, you might be the one modeling the money behaviors you don’t want them copying. At other times, you have excellent habits with money, but your teens aren’t forced to learn about how to handle their money.
A Typical Scenario
Here’s one scenario I have seen: Mom and dad have the finest of everything. They drive brand name cars, carry brand name purses, wear brand name clothes, and shop at high-end stores. Most likely mom and/or dad worked very, very hard to get there and have earned what they have.
They also dress their children in these brands, maybe buy their children private sports lessons, and send their kids on elaborate school trips. The children have not worked hard for these things, and assume it’s standard. Even though these parents mean well, the result is often an attitude of entitlement among their teenagers- consequently their teens learn poor money management habits.
Another Common Scenario for Teens and Money
Here’s another scenario I have seen between parents and teens regarding money: The parents cannot really afford to buy their children the nicest of everything. However, because we all live in a county where there are many people who can, the parents feel guilt.
Parents overextend themselves to keep their teenager outfitted with all the nicest things. The kids do learn something about hard work because they know it doesn’t come easily to mom and dad. However, these kids are learning appearance is more importanct than being a teen with good money habits. They learn it’s worthwhile to go into debt to look like things are going really well.
Sadly, it can be very hard for them to just accept their position in life with grace and gratitude. Instead, they look to things for happiness.
A Better Financial Option
A third scenario I have seen, and one I hope to emulate with my own children, is this: Regardless of financial means, the parents force their children to live at or below their means. The teens are required to earn their belongings, and are taught to take good care of their things.
For example, if a teen drops their smart phone and the screen breaks, mom and dad don’t pay to fix it. Their child goes without until the child saves enough to fix it. As hard as this is, these kids learn to delay gratification.
When it comes to driving, since they never expected a car in the first place, they are extremely grateful for whatever they drive. While it can be very difficult to see their friends get things without trying, most of these teens ultimately say they’re thankful they have cultivated the abilities to work, save, and give.
Teenagers with good money habits are usually better at thinking outside the box too. They’ll find ways to wear the same formal dress to a few dances, but dress it up differently so nobody knows. When it’s time to go to college, they tend to choose a major that leads into a career because they really enjoy productivity. This saves a lot of headache later in life.
What Should You Do To Help Your Teens with Money?
Basically the point of this post is the way you use and discuss money has an enormous impact on your child’s future. For those of you who had to scrap for everything you have, it’s very tempting to want to provide your child all the opportunities you never had. You think, ‘If I’d had that chance…wow!’ However, you developed your toughness and grit because of how hard you had to work.
It’s best if you come alongside your children as they show the ability to work. For example, it’s much, much better to match their savings for a car purchase than to just buy them one. It does wonders for their work ethic, self-esteem, gratitude and happiness.
A good resource for teaching teens about money can be found at Dave Ramsey’s website.
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Having a sibling can be lots of fun. Photo credit: imagerymajestic via freedigitalphotos.net
Making Sibling Relationships Better
Sibling relationships among teenagers seem to vary enormously. Of all my clients, I have seen sibling relationships range from being the best of friends to the bitterest of enemies. Usually it lands somewhere in the middle.
If your children are really close, consider yourself lucky. Or, perhaps you’ve done things to help them get along. Either way, it’s so wonderful to see your kids love and enjoy one another.
If your children don’t get another with each other, it’s often just the way their personalities match up. Sometimes they will continue to struggle with each other no matter what you do. In other situations, there are a few things you can do to help.
Let Your Kids Be Different
It’s really important to try and let your kids be different. They will not likely perform equally well in school, sports, social relationships, etc. Each has his or her own set of strengths and weaknesses. Help them along to improve in their weaker areas, and continue growing in their strengths. However, sibling relationships suffer if you compare your kids to one another. They already do this to themselves, so having your confirm it doesn’t typically help.
They Need Their Own Thing
It can be very beneficial for sibling relationships to have some things the kids share and some things that are individually theirs. This starts with possessions and also includes sports, friends, time with you, and goals. Time with you is a really big one. This means individual, fun time with each parent. This isn’t just driving to a sports practice. It’s going on a hike, playing mini golf, etc.
The Oldest Sibling Is Not A Third Parent
They are not responsible for one another’s happiness. Unfortunately, this is actually something I find comes up often in therapy. It’s particularly true with the older sibling feeling responsible for the younger one’s happiness. The older sibling often sees it as their job to keep the younger sibling(s) on track. When the younger one is making bad choices, the older one will often try to parent their little brother or sister. We work hard in counseling to help the older sibling just be a big sister or big brother. That’s what the younger child usually needs anyhow. The younger one needs someone whom they can confide in and who will give them perspective.
Sibling Relationships Are Healthier When…
Don’t force your children to spy on each other for you. While you do want your children to tell you if one of your other children is doing something really dangerous such as taking drugs, you don’t want to create an environment of mistrust. The reason is, you harm the sibling relationship when you ask them to tell on each other for every small transgression.
Also, while it can be nice for the older one to take the younger one along sometimes, this can’t be all the time. I grew up with a close friend who was required to bring her younger siblings everywhere. We never got to hang out without them coming. Even though we liked the two little ones, sometimes our friend group just wanted to be on our own.
Sibling Relationships in a Nutshell
Creating a loving family where siblings get along well can be a huge challenge. Sometimes it comes naturally, which is wonderful! Other times though, parents have to work really hard to help facilitate closeness in sibling relationships. For some unlucky families even the best efforts go unrewarded. Importantly, hold on to hope because even siblings who do not get along as children often develop a special closeness as adults. The sibling relationship teaches humility, frustration tolerance, cohesiveness, how to argue, boundary setting, friendship, and sharing. These life skills are invaluable and extremely important.
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Love your teens with grace, affection and rules. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Parenting a Teen
Parenting a teen is different than an elementary aged child. How does your role as a mom change once your child becomes an adolescent? This is a question I am asked in some form or another on a regular basis in my therapy practice.
1. You still help with physical needs.
While you are no longer physically brushing your child’s teeth, you are making sure their teeth are cared for. You take them to the dentist, orthodontist, buy their toothpaste, etc.
You still make sure your teenager is getting a balanced diet too. This is actually a challenge for a mom of teenagers because teens go out to eat with their friends. Help them limit this activity to a healthy level and make sure the food available at home is good for them.
Perhaps most importantly, make sure your teenager is getting enough sleep. I see parents let off the gas on the bedtime when their children are still way to young to manage this with maturity. If they aren’t usually getting 8 hours of sleep per night, they aren’t managing it well on their own.
2. Character development.
To the best of your ability expect your teenager to behave in a way that lines up with the adult you hope they’ll be. As you parent your teen, avoid saying to yourself, “They’re just kids and they’ll grow out of this.” If your teen is drinking, smoking, sneaking out, etc. it’s a good idea to reign them in. You also want to help them develop integrity, honesty, perseverance and responsibility.
3. Love.
Your teenager absolutely still needs a lot of love and affirmation. Just because they’ve lost that baby cuteness doesn’t mean they don’t want to snuggle sometimes. Even if they are cold when you touch them, they still need it. Be careful not to put pressure on them to meet your needs for affection though. That sometimes drives them away from you. They need to hear you’re proud of them and that you believe they will make it when they step out into the world.
4. More space.
More and more your adolescent needs the room to venture out. You are their safety net but no longer their director. They should be able to choose their own friends, own extra-curriculars, and own interests. When they “skin their knees” they need you to help them get back up, but they no longer need complete insulation from ever possibly “skinning their knees.”
Parenting a Teen: So Much Change
The transition from parenting a child to parenting an teen is full of nothing but change. It is up to you to demonstrate flexibility with the constant change. Continue to love your children as passionately as you ever have, but understand that it starts to look different. You are no longer the center of their world, you have been moved to the supporting cast. Even though your role is less central, you are still immeasurably important.
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There are always things to be thankful for if you’re looking. Image courtesy of Serge Bertasius Photography at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Finding Help for Teen Depression is Tough
Getting help for teen depression is hard. As a parent, your heart is breaking. You see your once vibrant adolescent struggling to come up for air. Your son or daughter is likely irritable, sullen, withdrawn, and does not feel zest for life. Consequently, you are left wondering what you should do.
A Story of Depression
I’m reading an incredible book right now. It’s called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. The book is fairly auto-biographical, but only for a period of the author’s life. She starts out by explaining how regret, sadness, and bitterness pervade her life. More or less, she’s probably struggling with depression and some anxiety. She looks back at past events that really hurt her family growing up, and continues to have fears caused by those events.
Does Regret Play a Role in Your Teen’s Depression?
I think if we’re not very conscious to control regretful thoughts, they can affect all of us. There are always things to look back on that we should have done differently. I must have thousands of those types of choices. I’ve spent a good part of the last few days wishing I could redo last Friday, actually. Your teen needs help for depression because they fixate on regrets. These range from small things like a few poorly chosen words to big things like breaking up with someone. Adolescents with depression idealize how something ought to feel. As a result, they profoundly struggle with accepting that life is full of missteps and inequalities.
Ideas That Help with Teen Depression
One Thousand Gifts goes on to share how the author works through her depression and anxious moods. There are a few lessons to take from her, which I will go over in the next paragraph, but first let me tell you the basics of what she does to move on from her past. She leans hard into her Christian faith and recognizes one of the main tenants of Christianity is to be thankful IN all things (not FOR all things). This means finding something to be grateful for no matter what. She begins a list of 1,000 little joys that surround her. The list has the smallest things, like how incredible the different colors are in soap bubbles or how beautiful the sound is when her children play together. Surprisingly, these things are easy to overlook unless you’re paying attention; she finds she has been overlooking them for years.
1. Lean Into A Faith
The lessons from Voskamp’s story that can help with teen depression are as follows: First of all, while not all of you reading this are Christian, most of you probably believe in something. Teach your suffering teen to lean hard into it when they’re suffering. Faith is an amazing way to cope with stress, depression, and anxiety. It might not solve it, but it also takes work. Your teen can’t just vaguely believe in something and then never read about it, pray, and give it time. If your teen does all these things, they will find some percentage of help with their teen depression in their faith.
2. Gratitude and Depression are Opposing Forces
Another huge lesson from Voskamp’s story is that thankfulness is really the opposite of depression and anxiety. Actively looking for the small things in life that are beautiful, enjoyable, funny, loving, etc. leads to less time worrying and regretting. Honestly, there simply isn’t room in your mind to do both. This isn’t to trivialize a legitimate depressive disorder or anxiety disorder, because often those are much deeper than just your teen’s attitude. However, for many teens seeking help with depression, changing focus to a grateful posture alleviates some of the suffering.
3. Life Isn’t Linear: Depression and Joy Coexist
Voskamp teaches one of life’s most important lessons. Teens fighting with depression find help in knowing they have permission to grieve/feel anger/fret/feel sadness at the same time they feel joy. For example, many teen parents call and tell me their child requests counseling for depression or anxiety. However, the parent says it’s hard to understand because their teen still laughs and sees friends. These things do exist at the same time. For my part, I am grateful that’s the case because it means there is always joy to be found even on the worst of days.
Final Thoughts on Help for Teen Depression
Now for a personal note: I (Lauren) don’t struggle much with depressed moods. I do however struggle with anxiety. Worries about the future plague me at times, and it’s a battle to keep these thoughts at bay. However, Voskamp’s techniques are really helpful in my own life. I am trying to be more active in my faith, and am looking for tiny things to enjoy. In the past 15+ years I’ve been counseling depressed teens, this technique has never failed to help them at least a little bit. My hope is that it will be a source of help for your teen with depression as well.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens don’t want to be lectured all the time; it stops them from sharing with you. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Improve Your Parenting With Effectively Listening with Teens
Ever wonder why your teenager doesn’t talk to you? Have you ever missed the days when they were little and they actually shared what they did for the day? You hear about some of your friends whose teens share everything with them, and you wish that were you. Listening effectively with your teens can help your teen become more open with you.
Every week I sit across the therapy room from tens of adolescents. When they start counseling I always ask them whether they feel close with their parents. Some say yes and others say no. Of those who say yes, nearly all of their parents have one thing in common: they don’t judge what their teenager shares with them. Of those why say no, their parents usually have this in common: their teen does feel judgment when they share anything, so they stop sharing.
What kind of parent are you? It’s hard for us to self-reflect on this. It’s a fine line to walk anyhow because we need to course correct our children if they say something crass, or talk about a friend who is into some really bad stuff. On the other hand, if our kids are talking about how tough a Spanish test was, they will resent advice on how to study better next time unless they are directly asking for it.
Reflective Listening
For most people, listening reflectively is very difficult. We naturally want to help! When someone shares something they are having difficulty with, we want to fix it for them. Unfortunately this backfires a lot of the time. Teenagers end up perceiving advice as judgement. They feel frustrated with unsolicited advice.
According to Mindtools.com, effective listening starts with minimizing distractions. I know that seems obvious. However, showing you are listening distraction-free is important to your teen. Set your screens aside, sit down, and face them. It’s okay to ask the same from them. Note that some teens, especially males, speak more openly without direct eye contact. In that case, sit side by side.
If you would like to hear more and more from your teen, use all your strength to refrain from comment. You certainly don’t have to give your approval of things you don’t agree with. On the other hand, if your teenager is telling you about something one of their friends did, just nod along and say, “uh-huh.” In extreme situations you might have to get involved or give an opinion, such as if your teen says their friend is suicidal. However, if your teenager is talking about a friend who regularly cheats on their homework, try not to say anything about that friend being an awful person. The truth is, they might not be. They might lack integrity in their schoolwork, but only because they are desperate to improve a grade. While that’s not an acceptable excuse to cheat, it’s certainly something we can all understand.
For those of you who don’t have a really open relationship with your teenager, it’s tough. You probably don’t even know where to begin. Hang in there and be patient. Your teenager actually wants your affection and attention, but just not if it comes with a lot of negative commentary.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
