How do you manage your teen’s partying? Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Pros and Cons
If your teen wants to party, you have a problem on your hands. In one sense, it’s good that people invite your teen to parties because it shows they have friends and are socially included. However, every other aspect of this situation is bad.
What Should You Do?
In this blog, when I say “party” I’m referring to a house full of teens with no parents, lots of loud music, alcohol, and possibly drugs. When your teen wants to participate in that, what do you do?
Forbidding Your Teen to Party
If you know ahead of time that your teen intends to go to a party like this, your initial reaction is probably to completely forbid it. However, this will only work if you have a strong bond with your teenager. If you do, they’llgrudgingly listen to you and accept the alternatives you offer. However, if your relationship with your teen is not super strong, this can sometimes make the situation worse.
What to Do if You Forbid It
Don’t show anger at your teen’s desire to go to a party; offer to send them and a friend to the movies or something similar instead. That way they have an excuse they can give their friends about why they aren’t going. You don’t want them to say, “My mom won’t let me go” because then their friends will start to criticize you. You probably don’t care what their friends think of you, and I wouldn’t either. The issue is over time your teen’s thinking will be affected by these criticisms.
When Not to Forbid Your Teen to Party
If you aren’t as close with your adolescent, forbidding them to party will just cause your teen to lie to you. They’ll tell you they’re going to Jeff’s (we’ll use the name Jeff as an example) house and then they’ll go to the party instead. You could call Jeff’s parents to make sure your teen is where they say they’ll be. Some parents resort to checking on their teens in this way. However, that shows a mistrust of your teen and isn’t great for your relationship with them.
What to Do Instead of Forbidding Your Teen to Party
Try telling your teen, “I trust you to go where you say you’ll be. If you find yourself leaving Jeff’s for another situation, please let me know. I trust you are a good enough kid to make the right decisions, especially if you’re confronted with drugs or alcohol.” Let them know that you’ll continue to extend them this trust as long as they don’t break it. Whatever you do, do not convey that you are doing your teen a favor. Express that you genuinely trust your teenager, and you’d be surprised and hurt to find out they have broken your trust.
How to Set Limits on Your Teen’s Partying
For those of you who know for certain that your teen is partying and breaking the law (underage drinking and/or drug use), you must set enforceable limits. Do not set limits you cannot enforce. For example, you can forbid your child to date a certain person, but how can you know who they’re seeing at school? You can’t tell your child they are not allowed to attend a party. Unless you make them stay at home 100% of the time, how can you know what they’re doing outside the house?
Setting Rules You Can Enforce
What you can do is tell them what will happen if they’re caught. For example, if you know they’re drinking and driving, you will call the police, or if you know they’re high, you will stop giving them money for anything. If you know they spent the night at a house where parents weren’t home, you will no longer be able to trust them with a car because they’re showing irresponsibility. If your teen is picked up by the police when a party is broken up, you will be unavailable to pick them up from jail until the next day. You get the idea. Make sure 100% of the responsibility is placed on your teenager for their choices.
How to Explain These Rules to Your Teen
Don’t say these things in anger, but matter-of-factly and with love. Tell your teen these are all natural consequences of their choices. You’ll simply allow the consequences to unfold without rescuing them.
Why This Method Works
Eventually your partying teenager will get into trouble for their actions. If they’re unsafe and they’re calling for a ride home, of course, pick them up! However, in circumstances where they’re in trouble with the law or other parents, do not rescue them. It’s better for them to get consequences from the world than from you. They learn more that way, and you aren’t blamed. It’s a win-win.
You’ve Got This!
I know parenting is very challenging sometimes. It’s hard to know when to step in and when not to. I recommend staying in constant conversation with your teenager but not rescuing them from the consequences resulting from their bad choices. Parenting is hard sometimes, especially when your teen enjoys partying, but you can do it!
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Some teens get along really well with their parents. Photo courtesy of Marin and freedigitalphotos.net.
What a Close Relationship with Your Teen Looks Like
Having a close relationship with your teen is a beautiful thing. I have a few clients who have that closeness with their mom and dad. These teens share openly about their lives with their parents. They want to hang around the house. They want to bring their friends over, and their friends want to come over. Their friends all consider these parents to be a second mom or dad. Not only this, but these teenagers always respect their parents when they’re given instruction.
How to Have a Close Relationship with Your Teen
When great parents raise their children, there are several important things they do that create a close relationship between them and their teen. Here’s what I notice they do:
1. They NEVER make judgemental comments about their teen’s friends
These parents don’t assume their teenagers will behave badly because they have friends who occasionally make bad choices. Instead, these moms and dads tell their teenagers how grateful they are that they can trust their teens to make the right choice even when their friends aren’t. This causes teens to not only behave well but desire to make good decisions.
2. They are hurt instead of angry
When their teenager says something awful, makes a poor choice, does badly in a class, etc., these parents never react in anger. They feel hurt instead, and they let their teen see this. These teenagers absolutely hate to hurt their parents’ feelings, so they try to do well at things.
3. They take part in their teens interests even when it’s not enjoyable for them
The parents I’ve observed who have a close relationship with their teen don’t disparage their kids’ interests. In fact, they do the opposite. I’ve seen these parents attend concerts of bands they’ve never listened to, help their kids plan trips to go on with their friends, drive them all over just to spend time with them in the car, and buy clothes that don’t fit the style they prefer their teens to wear.
4. Their expectations are clear
All these parents have a line that their teens wouldn’t dare cross. Because they show so much respect to their teenager, their teen doesn’t want to disrespect them. Their teenagers don’t sneak, but then again, they don’t have to. They can tell their parents things without judgment.
You Still Have to Exercise Discipline
If your teen is truly making a poor decision, you do have to discipline them. However, to have a close relationship with your teen, you must do this gently, not angrily. Show your teen you’re disappointed, but you’re willing to help them do the right thing. On the other hand, only discipline your teenager if they’re really doing the wrong thing. Otherwise, respect their decisions and make sure you’re not being too controlling or too relaxed with them.
Working to Have a Close Relationship with Your Teen
Having a close relationship with your teen takes years of work. It’s hard to completely reverse things if you’ve settled into too friendly or too controlling of a role with your teen. However, putting the work in is worth it. Work to respect them and to enjoy them. It will be challenging, but try finding things to like about their friends and learn about what they like doing. Maybe you’ll enjoy it too.
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Parents who nitpick their teens can hurt the relationship. Credit: David Castillo Dominici via freedigitalphotos.net
Reactions of Criticized Teens
Some parents criticize their teens to try to help them become good adults. Unfortunately, this can lead to negative consequences for the child. Teens who are overly criticized feel they cannot please their parents. They get so frustrated they either rebel or shut down. To them, making their parents happy seems hopeless.
Parents Who Criticize Their Teens
I have worked with teens who have parents that won’t stop criticizing them. When I ask the parents to share something good about the teen, they begin by saying something nice about the child, and then they turn it into a backhanded compliment. In those cases, the teenager looks at me and seems to be shutting down.
Why Your Teen May be Rebelling
If you feel your teenager is never really trying hard enough, is too sassy, and is defiant, try looking at the relationship between the two of you. Your teen may be rebelling because they feel they can never please you. If your teen feels too criticized, they will become uncooperative.
The Parent’s Argument Against This
You might say you’d be happy with your teen if they would only do X, Y, and Z, but your teenager doesn’t believe it anymore. Your adolescent would tell me that even if they did those things, you would think they could’ve done it better.
The Solution
If this describes the relationship you have with your child, it is important to start making changes right away. Don’t lose your relationship with your teen because they feel criticized by you, and you feel disrespected by them. Work on having fun with them. Don’t be so focused on who you think your teenager is supposed to be that you won’t let them be themselves.
Having a Good Relationship with Your Teen
Yes, you need your child to have responsible and respectful behavior. However, consistently making negative comments about what they eat, how they dress, who they’re friends with, how they played that last sports game, etc. will just drive them away. This will cause them to be defensive and angry, leading to both you and them feeling hurt. Over-criticizing your teen isn’t good for either of you; instead, focus on building a strong, healthy, and loving relationship with your teen.
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Teaching teens about money is very important. Image courtesy of sscreations at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Teaching Teens About Money
Teens and Money: How should you handle money with your teenagers (Keep in mind this is coming from the perspective of a therapist)?
How Do Bad Money Habits Start In Teens?
I have seen the inappropriate use of money with children and teenagers cause enormous behavioral problems in teenagers. Unfortunately, you might be the one modeling the money behaviors you don’t want them copying. At other times, you have excellent habits with money, but your teens aren’t forced to learn about how to handle their money.
A Typical Scenario
Here’s one scenario I have seen: Mom and dad have the finest of everything. They drive brand name cars, carry brand name purses, wear brand name clothes, and shop at high-end stores. Most likely mom and/or dad worked very, very hard to get there and have earned what they have.
They also dress their children in these brands, maybe buy their children private sports lessons, and send their kids on elaborate school trips. The children have not worked hard for these things, and assume it’s standard. Even though these parents mean well, the result is often an attitude of entitlement among their teenagers- consequently their teens learn poor money management habits.
Another Common Scenario for Teens and Money
Here’s another scenario I have seen between parents and teens regarding money: The parents cannot really afford to buy their children the nicest of everything. However, because we all live in a county where there are many people who can, the parents feel guilt.
Parents overextend themselves to keep their teenager outfitted with all the nicest things. The kids do learn something about hard work because they know it doesn’t come easily to mom and dad. However, these kids are learning appearance is more importanct than being a teen with good money habits. They learn it’s worthwhile to go into debt to look like things are going really well.
Sadly, it can be very hard for them to just accept their position in life with grace and gratitude. Instead, they look to things for happiness.
A Better Financial Option
A third scenario I have seen, and one I hope to emulate with my own children, is this: Regardless of financial means, the parents force their children to live at or below their means. The teens are required to earn their belongings, and are taught to take good care of their things.
For example, if a teen drops their smart phone and the screen breaks, mom and dad don’t pay to fix it. Their child goes without until the child saves enough to fix it. As hard as this is, these kids learn to delay gratification.
When it comes to driving, since they never expected a car in the first place, they are extremely grateful for whatever they drive. While it can be very difficult to see their friends get things without trying, most of these teens ultimately say they’re thankful they have cultivated the abilities to work, save, and give.
Teenagers with good money habits are usually better at thinking outside the box too. They’ll find ways to wear the same formal dress to a few dances, but dress it up differently so nobody knows. When it’s time to go to college, they tend to choose a major that leads into a career because they really enjoy productivity. This saves a lot of headache later in life.
What Should You Do To Help Your Teens with Money?
Basically the point of this post is the way you use and discuss money has an enormous impact on your child’s future. For those of you who had to scrap for everything you have, it’s very tempting to want to provide your child all the opportunities you never had. You think, ‘If I’d had that chance…wow!’ However, you developed your toughness and grit because of how hard you had to work.
It’s best if you come alongside your children as they show the ability to work. For example, it’s much, much better to match their savings for a car purchase than to just buy them one. It does wonders for their work ethic, self-esteem, gratitude and happiness.
A good resource for teaching teens about money can be found at Dave Ramsey’s website.
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Having a sibling can be lots of fun. Photo credit: imagerymajestic via freedigitalphotos.net
Making Sibling Relationships Better
Sibling relationships among teenagers seem to vary enormously. Of all my clients, I have seen sibling relationships range from being the best of friends to the bitterest of enemies. Usually it lands somewhere in the middle.
If your children are really close, consider yourself lucky. Or, perhaps you’ve done things to help them get along. Either way, it’s so wonderful to see your kids love and enjoy one another.
If your children don’t get another with each other, it’s often just the way their personalities match up. Sometimes they will continue to struggle with each other no matter what you do. In other situations, there are a few things you can do to help.
Let Your Kids Be Different
It’s really important to try and let your kids be different. They will not likely perform equally well in school, sports, social relationships, etc. Each has his or her own set of strengths and weaknesses. Help them along to improve in their weaker areas, and continue growing in their strengths. However, sibling relationships suffer if you compare your kids to one another. They already do this to themselves, so having your confirm it doesn’t typically help.
They Need Their Own Thing
It can be very beneficial for sibling relationships to have some things the kids share and some things that are individually theirs. This starts with possessions and also includes sports, friends, time with you, and goals. Time with you is a really big one. This means individual, fun time with each parent. This isn’t just driving to a sports practice. It’s going on a hike, playing mini golf, etc.
The Oldest Sibling Is Not A Third Parent
They are not responsible for one another’s happiness. Unfortunately, this is actually something I find comes up often in therapy. It’s particularly true with the older sibling feeling responsible for the younger one’s happiness. The older sibling often sees it as their job to keep the younger sibling(s) on track. When the younger one is making bad choices, the older one will often try to parent their little brother or sister. We work hard in counseling to help the older sibling just be a big sister or big brother. That’s what the younger child usually needs anyhow. The younger one needs someone whom they can confide in and who will give them perspective.
Sibling Relationships Are Healthier When…
Don’t force your children to spy on each other for you. While you do want your children to tell you if one of your other children is doing something really dangerous such as taking drugs, you don’t want to create an environment of mistrust. The reason is, you harm the sibling relationship when you ask them to tell on each other for every small transgression.
Also, while it can be nice for the older one to take the younger one along sometimes, this can’t be all the time. I grew up with a close friend who was required to bring her younger siblings everywhere. We never got to hang out without them coming. Even though we liked the two little ones, sometimes our friend group just wanted to be on our own.
Sibling Relationships in a Nutshell
Creating a loving family where siblings get along well can be a huge challenge. Sometimes it comes naturally, which is wonderful! Other times though, parents have to work really hard to help facilitate closeness in sibling relationships. For some unlucky families even the best efforts go unrewarded. Importantly, hold on to hope because even siblings who do not get along as children often develop a special closeness as adults. The sibling relationship teaches humility, frustration tolerance, cohesiveness, how to argue, boundary setting, friendship, and sharing. These life skills are invaluable and extremely important.
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Love your teens with grace, affection and rules. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Parenting a Teen
Parenting a teen is different than an elementary aged child. How does your role as a mom change once your child becomes an adolescent? This is a question I am asked in some form or another on a regular basis in my therapy practice.
1. You still help with physical needs.
While you are no longer physically brushing your child’s teeth, you are making sure their teeth are cared for. You take them to the dentist, orthodontist, buy their toothpaste, etc.
You still make sure your teenager is getting a balanced diet too. This is actually a challenge for a mom of teenagers because teens go out to eat with their friends. Help them limit this activity to a healthy level and make sure the food available at home is good for them.
Perhaps most importantly, make sure your teenager is getting enough sleep. I see parents let off the gas on the bedtime when their children are still way to young to manage this with maturity. If they aren’t usually getting 8 hours of sleep per night, they aren’t managing it well on their own.
2. Character development.
To the best of your ability expect your teenager to behave in a way that lines up with the adult you hope they’ll be. As you parent your teen, avoid saying to yourself, “They’re just kids and they’ll grow out of this.” If your teen is drinking, smoking, sneaking out, etc. it’s a good idea to reign them in. You also want to help them develop integrity, honesty, perseverance and responsibility.
3. Love.
Your teenager absolutely still needs a lot of love and affirmation. Just because they’ve lost that baby cuteness doesn’t mean they don’t want to snuggle sometimes. Even if they are cold when you touch them, they still need it. Be careful not to put pressure on them to meet your needs for affection though. That sometimes drives them away from you. They need to hear you’re proud of them and that you believe they will make it when they step out into the world.
4. More space.
More and more your adolescent needs the room to venture out. You are their safety net but no longer their director. They should be able to choose their own friends, own extra-curriculars, and own interests. When they “skin their knees” they need you to help them get back up, but they no longer need complete insulation from ever possibly “skinning their knees.”
Parenting a Teen: So Much Change
The transition from parenting a child to parenting an teen is full of nothing but change. It is up to you to demonstrate flexibility with the constant change. Continue to love your children as passionately as you ever have, but understand that it starts to look different. You are no longer the center of their world, you have been moved to the supporting cast. Even though your role is less central, you are still immeasurably important.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
