Teens dealing with depression feel very alone. Credit: Jeanne Claire Maarbes via freedigitalphotos.net
When is it time for you to send your teenager away? Where should you send them? What do you do and where do you start?
It is time to send your teenager away when you no longer have any authority over him or her. When you tell your daughter she isn’t going out tonight and she walks right out the front door, you have a problem. When your teenager runs away on a regular basis, you’ve lost your authority. When your adolescent continues to harm himself despite your best efforts, it’s beyond your ability as a parent.
In these situations you always call for help. If your teenager runs away then you call the police. If your child is self-harming then you take him or her to the emergency room if you are certain they won’t jump out of your car. Otherwise you call 9-1-1 and let the paramedics and police provide the transport.
These scenarios are frightening and frustrating. You have set limits repeatedly. Your daughter or son has violated those limits repeatedly. The more they do this, the more they realize ultimately you are powerless to stop him or her. You can take his phone. You can tell her she’s grounded for the next 6 months. Most teenagers will obey you when you’re truly angry. However, some kids just won’t. It’s time for your teen to go to residential treatment because you no longer have authority.
How do you even do this? How do you send your teen to residential treatment, and where? There are hundreds of programs throughout the United States that claim to address these very issues. They help with everything ranging from intensely bad attitudes to drug addiction. The problem you face is that you’re about to spend thousands of dollars, and to send your own child into the care of strangers far away from home. The thought is literally terrifying. The thought of keeping your teenager at home is also terrifying. It’s a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
In these situations everyone wants to sell you on why their program is the best. You might talk to someone who claims to know all about several options, but they will only show you the facilities owned by their parent company. Remember, this is a business.
There are really two options left. You can either travel to several of the facilities you’re considering and take a tour, or you can hire an independent educational consultant. If you travel to the facilities make sure to ask a thousand questions including how your child will receive emergency medical treatment if it’s needed (many of these locations are quite remote). If you hire an independent educational consultant you pay a significant fee to gain access to discounts, scholarships, and someone who has toured a large number of programs. A good educational consultant ends up saving you more than your fee because they negotiate a better price for you with the facility. They also provide invaluable information when your child will transition back home. They are in charge of connecting you with a good therapist, helping your child re-enroll in school, and decide whether to send your teenager to boarding school, a specialized private school, or back into public school.
I realize this process is incredibly overwhelming. You’re not sure what you’re supposed to do anymore. Your adolescent is out of control and you feel powerless to stop it. You love this child with all your heart, but you’re tired of the constant fear and irritation. When it’s time to send your teen away you’ll know because you’ll feel like there’s no other choice. Sometimes doing the right thing is the most heartbreaking thing.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Your teenage daughter needs you. I know you often feel irrelevant while she’s this age. She is so busy. She’s out with her friends, focused on school, starting to become independent, etc. She still needs you. It seems like she doesn’t care much about what you think anymore. In fact, she might be rude to you or telling you off. She still needs you. She quite possibly needs you more than anyone else in her life right now. I know she’s probably closer with her mom. I know she probably shares secrets with mom and won’t tell you things, but it’s you she really needs.
Here’s why:
1. She wants to know she’s valuable. You can tell her how much she’s worth just in the way you look at her. It’s pretty alarming when your little girl started to look like a woman. It’s kind of intimidating to go hug her and tell her she’s beautiful. As a society we’ve instilled a deep paranoia about adult males being creepy towards teenage girls. This has created an invisible cultural barrier that may keep you from making physical contact with your daughter. However, your valuing her means she doesn’t have to look for it elsewhere. Your affection towards her affirms her importance to you.
2. She needs to feel attractive. Your daughter has just begun to realize there are certain people who make the grade, and certain ones who don’t. Her deepest fear is that she won’t measure up. She’s afraid when others look at her they will scoff and not want her. A lot of this is in your control. When you look at your daughter and genuinely see the beauty she possesses, it builds her up. When you tell her what you see and why, you are giving her a gift for the rest of her life.
3. She needs to feel safe. When you put rules and limits in place, you’re creating a safety net for your daughter. She might protest and argue, but we protect the things we care about. You are showing her how deeply you treasure her when you tell her not to be alone with a boy, or not to put sexy pictures of herself online. You are guarding her innocence while teaching her to keep her own heart and body safe.
4. She needs to be cherished. Your teenage daughter wants to be the center of somebody’s world. Each girl is trying to carve out her space in the world where she is important. Some do this with academics, some with friends, some with boys, etc. When she is a very big part of your world, and she knows it, she will feel more content and cherished.
5. She needs to feel successful. Grades aren’t the only measure of success. They are an extremely important measure of success. However, if your daughter isn’t a natural student, try to find something else she is good at. Develop it alongside encouraging her to try harder in school. When girls think school is the only thing that matters to you, and they aren’t good at school, you can only imagine what a disappointment they think they are to you.
Dads, love your daughters well. Teenage girls are desperate for your approval, love, touch, affirmation, protection and encouragement. You can give your daughters a firm foundation they will stand on for the rest of their lives.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
When you have teenage children sometimes it’s tough to see how you’re important in their lives. You provide, save for their college tuition, and support their athletics. You wonder whether you’re making an impact in their daily life though because a lot of teenagers hardly interact with their fathers. You leave before they get up in the morning. They’re out with friends or for sports until you’re about ready to go to bed at night. On weekends they are with friends and out of the house. How are you making a difference?
If this is the relationship you have with your teenager, then it feels difficult to connect. You aren’t as comfortable giving your teenager a hug as you were when your child was small. You are no longer this formidable opponent on the basketball court, or about to outplay your teenager on the soccer field. A lot of the stuff they’re doing in school is too hard to teach them (I know I don’t remember calculus, do you?).
Here’s the real truth though, you matter a whole lot. Right now your teenager is watching the way you conduct yourself to determine whether to be like you. Your teenager is seeing if you have a good relationship with your wife, if you’re successful in your job, if you make time for God, if you take care of your own health, and if you have standards for your teen’s behavior. Your teenager measures how much you care about him or her based on what rules you set. Your adolescent child will argue with you about many, many things. Your adolescent child will try and take the opposing position on issues. In short, your adolescent child will seem contrary and drive you nuts. Your adolescent child is simply trying to push to see where you’ll push back. If you are strict about a curfew your teen knows you care enough to insist he or she be home at night (Of course, this is not what your son or daughter will tell you).
I once worked with a sweet 15 year old girl. Her dad insisted she be home after a high school dance at 11:30pm because the dance ended at 11:00. He believed it should take a half hour to drive straight home. She was spitting mad. Her date wanted to take her out to eat after the dance, and then maybe party a little bit. Her dad reminded her nothing good happens after midnight. When she came home with a dress she and her mom and picked out for her to wear, her dad made her return it. He said it was too short and too low cut. He told her she looks like a woman, but she’s still a child. Again, she was incensed. He held his ground. So, she came home on time and wore a dress that was a bit more conservative. She wasn’t happy about it.
A week after the dance the boy stopped calling and started talking to another girl who dressed provocatively and didn’t have a curfew. The girl told me she now realized he didn’t like her for her. She said he liked the idea of what he could get from her. She said she felt really loved by her dad’s protection.
Dads, your example, your rules, your consistency, and your protection all scream, “I LOVE YOU!” to your adolescent children. This is much more important for the rest of their lives than being “cool” with your teenagers.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens really know how to push a parents’ buttons, but there are ways to “fight nicely.” Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
We all know that being condescending is rude and hurtful. We cannot stand it when someone is demeaning towards us.
Teenagers are the masters of using condescension to frustrate you and to express their frustration. They will often talk to you in a tone of voice that gets your blood boiling. Teens will retort, sometimes call you names, and roll their eyes. They often believe that parents are out of touch and do not understand things as they are today. They also don’t always have the ability to remain clam and rational when they get overwhelmed. This is developmentally normal. However, there are some things you can do to keep the situation deescalated.
It is difficult not to talk right back to your teen in they way they talk to you. However, it is possible to stop them from talking like that without joining them. The louder and ruder they become, the softer you’ll want to be. The more they attempt to negotiate, the firmer you become. Let them know softly that if they do not stop, they will lose freedoms bit by bit. It is important to make it their choice to change their tone. In other words, help them realize they can talk to you rudely, but if they choose to do so, they are also choosing related consequences. Make sure you follow-through on the consequences. Threatening a punishment without following through is begging for future disrespect. If you don’t follow-through, then you are essentially telling your child that their rudeness is effective for getting what they want. This means they will certainly use the same tone next time you say ‘no’ when they want to hear ‘yes.’
Be careful that you are not condescending toward your teenager. I have seen this happen over and over in my office. A teenager is trying to tell their parents that something hurts them, makes them angry, or overwhelms them. The parent dismisses the teen’s feelings as ridiculous. This frustrates the teen, and he or she is likely to either shut down or become mean. Whether or not the teen’s feelings are easy to understand, the parent who dismisses a teen’s feelings about a situation conveys a condescending message. It is possible to acknowledge your teen’s feelings without necessarily giving into their demand. Help them realize you can work on a solution to their concern with them. Facing a problem together is always more effective anyhow. Whatever you do, try not to repeat your position over and over again. If they either can’t or choose not to understand you the first time, this probably won’t change unless you rephrase what you’re saying.
Most of all, try to remember that it takes two to fight. You don’t have to fight back and you don’t have to be rude just because they are. I know that’s old advice, but it’s still a good reminder for all of us (including me!).
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens can become easily demoralized if their parents don’t show them approval. Photo Credit: nenetus via freedigitalphotos.net
How often are you telling your adolescent you’re proud of him or her? Even if your teenager is acting out in terribly frustrating ways, there is something to be proud of. There is some reason you’re thankful this child is your child.
Your teenager needs to hear this from you. They care deeply about your opinion even if they act as though they don’t. They have to know the ways you approve of them. That’s why they’re always arguing with you. They really want you to agree with their ideas and opinions. This translates to approval.
Try not to make comparisons to other teenagers. It’s okay to compare your teen to his or her former self. What I mean by that is it’s fine to point out ways they’ve grown or improved. Also, let’s not do left-handed compliments. Don’t tell them, “Even though you have a long way to go, you’re much better at math than last year. Good job!” The beginning of that sentence doesn’t really accomplish anything.
You don’t have to approve of things you don’t actually approve of either. You’re under no obligation to tell your daughter you like her gangster, drug-abusing boyfriend. However, you can tell her she looks nice if she’s dressed well one day. You can also tell her you’re proud of her for keeping her room clean this week, etc.
The main point of this is that we can sometimes become so wrapped up in the ways our kids need to improve that we forget to point out how they’re doing well. We become nitpickers. That is a quick way to demoralize someone. Teens are very easily demoralized. They’re at the early stages of trying to figure out how to be mature and behave responsibly. They were only children as little as 36 months ago. That’s really not very long if you think about it. They are still easily frustrated and still give up on things they feel like they can’t accomplish. Just because they look more like an adult doesn’t mean they have the mental capacity of an adult.
So, be patient and find things to compliment. If you point out the things you’re proud of you just might get more of it.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens don’t always make the best dating choices. Hopefully you’re ready to talk about it with them. Freedigitalphotos.net: photo stock
What do you do if your once wonderful son or daughter is now dating someone you can’t stand?
This is a question I get from parents of the teenagers I work with ALL THE TIME.
There are so many instances of parents doing everything to raise a wonderful adolescent, and then dating begins. At first most parents are a bit uneasy, but still happy for their child. After all, what parent doesn’t feel great about knowing their son or daughter is wanted? However, time goes by and you realize your child is not being very respectful. In what seems like the blink of an eye the primary influence in their life is this significant other. Suddenly you realize your teenager is in way too serious of a relationship. On top of that, it’s not someone you’d choose for your child for all the money in the world.
Dear parents, you’re up against something very difficult. I think the most important piece of advice I give parents in this situation is not to create unenforceable consequences. You can’t tell your child who they will and won’t call their boyfriend or girlfriend. The reason you can’t do this is that they’ll just lie to you. While you might forbid it at home, you don’t control what happens at school. Short of pulling them out of school and keeping them with you 24/7, they still might see Mr. or Miss Wrong.
Here’s what you can do though. You can decide what you will and won’t support. You can let your teenager know you don’t support their dating so and so. Make sure you give the reasons why. Don’t criticize the person they are dating. Instead make sure to talk about what scares you. If your daughter is dating a boy who smokes pot all the time, let her know you’re afraid she will gain more and more friends who smoke, and therefore spend less and less time with highly motivated kids. You’re also afraid she’ll begin to use it too.
Another part of not supporting something is giving it zero financial support. One mom I’ve helped doesn’t allow her daughter to drive the car except for work and school as long as she’s dating a certain boy. This boy is very, very bad for the daughter, so the mom doesn’t want to provide them a way to see one another. She knows she can’t completely forbid it, but she can make it really difficult. Some parents won’t give money for any extras. I’ve seen parents be quite creative…and effective.
When your child begins to pull away from you because they are dating someone who is getting them into things they shouldn’t, or getting them out of things they should be doing, it’s heartbreaking. It’s also very frustrating. Most teens are still willing to listen to reason, but some will refuse to heed your advice. In those cases please don’t passively stand by. This ends up having the effect of condoning the bad relationship. Hold to your morals, and require your teenager to do the same in your presence. Also recall that either you or many of your friends dated a loser in middle school or high school, but you got through it. I know this was true with me.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
