by Lauren Goodman | Jul 31, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Good boundaries with teens leaves room for a good relationship.
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When your teenager is testing the limits of what they’re allowed to do, it can be a difficult process for you as a parent. Suddenly your adolescent daughter has her first boyfriend and now she wants to stay out until midnight. Or, maybe your thirteen year old son has tried pot for the first time. What are you supposed to do?
1. Be collaborative. Teenagers have a mind of their own and it should be considered. While they are not the final word, it’s important to include them in the discussion. What do they think are appropriate boundaries and why? Have your teen submit a draft of a contract to you outlining what they think they should have. It’s tempting to believe they’ll write things like “no curfew” and “unlimited computer and phone time,” but they almost certainly won’t. Usually they will write in things that push the limits of what you have allowed them so far, but won’t push the limits very far.
2. Create a contract. Once you have a proposal from your teenager, go over it with their other parent. If you’re married to their other parent, this is easier of course. If you aren’t married to their other parent, while this is a challenge, ideally the same rules will be enforced equally in both houses. Together with their other parent, create a contract for your teen. It should include boundaries for grades, electronics, socializing, dating, drugs and alcohol, disrespect, chores, and any other things you think are relevant to your child specifically. Each item should have an upper and lower limit. Here’s an example of what that means: You will earn a minimum of a 2.5. If your GPA drops below a 2.5 you will be grounded from social activities until it’s back at a 2.5. If you earn a 3.2 or higher GPA you will have demonstrated to us that you are working hard in school and can handle the responsibility of being social on weeknights as well. In other words, your contract should have both positive and negative consequences for each item.
3. Only set enforceable limits. It doesn’t do any good to make up rules you have no ability to enforce. Don’t tell your teen they cannot have a boyfriend or girlfriend when you can’t control who they talk to at school. This will just cause them to sneak, and you to have to punish when you find out. If you don’t want them dating it’s much better to set a limit in a way that is enforceable, such as “No dating one on one until you’re [insert age].” This is something you can control much more easily than whether they have the title of boyfriend or girlfriend.
4. Enforce your boundaries. This is the most important of all the tips in this blog. Once you set a rule you must enforce it, no matter what. A lot of parents I work with come in complaining their teen doesn’t respect them. When we dig into the reasons why, one thing that happens is they set a rule, but then negotiate with their child when it’s time to enforce the rule. If you’ve told your teen that texting after 11pm results in their loss of the phone for 24 hours, then you need to take the phone for 24 hours. This needs to be unemotional, no discussion, and quickly executed. Excuses and tears cannot change how you approach boundary enforcement. Also, your consequences should be very well known to your teen ahead of time because they will have signed the contract that says what you’re going to do.
Boundary setting sounds overwhelming with teens. However, it’s actually quite simple if it’s done clearly and consistently. They appreciate having a contract if they’re allowed to contribute to what’s in it. If you randomly set rules, randomly enforce them and don’t let your teen have a say then they’ll hate it. That’s when they’ll fight you on it and feel frustrated. Having well set boundaries with your teenager leaves room for a fantastic relationship with them.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jul 18, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Codependency ends up hurting, not helping.
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I bring this up now because I have been seeing a lot of it lately. Before I became a therapist I didn’t really understand what codependency was. I thought maybe it was a good thing. I never could understand why two people being dependent on one another was a problem. Now I know that term is actually misleading.
Here’s what codependency really is: Bob has a problem. Jane thinks she can help Bob get over his problem. She starts to put a lot of time, money, effort, emotion and thought into helping Bob get over his problem. She becomes so wrapped up in Bob getting better that she becomes emotionally over-invested in Bob’s improving. Eventually she is totally immersed in Bob’s problem and it’s starting to cost her. She is getting worn out and burned out. However, she has also developed a dependency on Bob needing her to work on his problem. She gets self-worth out of feeling important to Bob. Jane has become codependent on Bob. As you can see this is a very unhealthy dynamic. Bob is stunted by his problem, and Jane is stunted by her over-focus on Bob fixing his problem.
I wish I could say that’s the end of the story, but there is more to Bob and Jane. When Bob finally does get better (on his own), Jane is left feeling empty. She has made her life’s purpose about Bob’s healing. Now that he’s better she doesn’t know what to do with herself. Unwittingly Jane will either drag Bob back into his problem so that she is needed again, or Jane will find a new person with a new problem to solve. Jane is never actually working on her own growth. Jane is blind to her problem.
As Dave Ramsey says, “Enablers [another word for codependent] are some of the nicest people in the world. They mean well, but they end up harming the person they love.”
What does Dave Ramsey mean by “they end up harming the person they love?” When you are codependent you often end up preventing the person you’re trying to help from experiencing natural consequences. Bob would have felt the pain of his misbehavior much sooner if Jane hadn’t have been there to mop up the mess. Perhaps Bob would have decided to change his situation earlier if he had experienced the results of his problem.
I have been seeing a lot of parents behaving codependently with their teenager in my counseling office recently. One of my clients has an addiction to marijuana. The parents are allowing that client to smoke at home, “because then he won’t get caught by the police.” The parents are meaning well in not wanting their son to get into trouble with the law, but that might be the very thing their son needs to quit using. Another client constantly complains of aches and pains. Mom takes her to every doctor, and nothing is ever found to be wrong. Instead of requiring her teenager to live a more healthy lifestyle, Mom’s codependent behavior is confirming that the child just needs to find the right diagnosis (While that might be true, over 20 doctors have said there is no problem other than lack of exercise and poor diet).
Codependency is always coming from a place of love and compassion. However, like anything, too much of a good thing isn’t a good thing. Make sure your teens get to experience both the good and bad consequences of their choices.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 25, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Be a parent who guides and collaborates with your teen, not one who controls.
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Be a parent who guides, teaches and comes alongside. Don’t be controlling.
What is the difference?
A controlling parent is one who uses guilt and other manipulations to get what he wants. A controlling parent says things like, “After all I do for you, this is what you do?” A controlling parent subtly derides his child’s choices. Teens who have controlling parents often hear about how their choices in friends aren’t really the best, or their decision to stop playing a certain sport is “giving up,” or that taking every AP class is more important than exploring an interest via a certain elective class.
My cousin grew up with a controlling mother. She pushed him incredibly hard and was extremely restrictive about how and with whom he spent his time. She chose his university for him, even though she would say she didn’t. Of course he’s the one who signed the letter of intent, but there was a quiet pressure that he dared not cross. Even as a small child he wasn’t permitted to make a mess in the house. There would be an angry flurry as things were picked up. Shame and guilt were used liberally. She honestly had his best intentions at heart, and loved him a lot. However, she raised a boy who learned to have an extremely passive attitude in life because as he grew up it was never worth giving his own opinion. When he went to college he came unhinged with all the new freedom. Without someone micromanaging his life he drank, partied, and didn’t do homework. He was the product of a controlling parent.
Clearly this isn’t the outcome in every situation. The one thing I do notice though is that parents who are controlling have a parenting style driven by fear and anxiety. They feel fearful the child they deeply love will make a costly mistake. This fear becomes intense enough that it produces anxiety. The anxiety is only kept at bay by controlling the child’s every move. Unfortunately though, this isn’t very good for the child learning to recover after a mistake, learning to fail gracefully, learning to think independently, learning to self-motivate, or learning to be decisive.
Instead of controlling out of fear and anxiety, allow yourself to realize your child isn’t yours. Your teenager was given to you for a short time by God’s good grace. This means you have been entrusted with someone who will go on to live a life, possibly raise a family, have a career, make mistakes, suffer and succeed, and influence other people. You aren’t fully responsible for this outcome. All you can do is teach and guide. Allow your child to fail, and then teach him how to recover. Permit your teenager to make decisions and experience the good and bad consequences of those choices. Be extremely patient because each day is only a snapshot, but your teen’s life is a long movie. Realize you are a steward of your teen’s early years, and that’s it (Steward is an old fashioned word that refers to the person who managed a wealthy person’s estate and affairs. You are a steward of your child’s early years because you aren’t their owner, just there to help your child manage properly for the first 20 or so years). Don’t fix your errors through their life, meaning don’t force them in a direction you wish you’d taken in terms of career, sports, and dating. Just listen, advise, discipline when necessary, reward when earned, and love always.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Jun 6, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Teaching teens about money is very important.
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The lessons you are able to teach your teenage child by teaching him about money are many. As a parent you are able to use money metaphorically to build important character traits.
1. Work Ethic: If you reward your teen for hard work, then they learn working hard is a way to get paid. As your teen puts in more effort and obtains more skill, the reward increases. This is exactly what happens in life at a job. As you become more skilled combined with working hard, you are paid more than someone with less skill who is lazy.
2. Contentment: We don’t want to teach complacency, but we do want to teach contentedness. Your adolescent will appreciate what she has more if she is not gratified each time she wants something new. She will be less inclined to use new things as a way of feeling good if she has to pay for them herself. I’m not suggesting you require your child to pay for everything. However, having your teen pay for many things is a really good idea because it teaches an invaluable character trait of contentment.
3. Patience: Adolescents who save for something are more patient by nature. They understand good things come, but in time. They recognize value in setting a goal and achieving it. They see some of the joy comes in the earning and some comes in the having.
4. Responsibility: Responsible behavior includes living below your means. Teens who earn their way are more responsible in general. They have to choose between buying gas and buying marijuana. Usually they will buy gas for their car. Teens who have no financial responsibilities often spend their money in self-destructive ways.
5. Generosity: It feels good to give away someone else’s money. It feels even better to give away your own hard earned money in order to help someone less fortunate. Your adolescent benefits from you giving them money they can donate to charity. Your son or daughter really feels the simultaneous pain and joy of giving their own money to church, a friend, or something that doesn’t benefit him or her directly. It teaches generosity to start this before adulthood. It becomes a feeling they won’t live without. It increases awareness of the world.
6. Self-Control: When you give your teen $20 to see a movie and get a bite to eat, your teen spends it all. When it’s your teen’s own money, they watch a movie on Netflix and eat at home. Teens quickly learn how long it takes them to earn that $20, and they decide carefully how it is worth spending. They don’t make this calculation if you give them money.
Defeating bad character traits like entitlement, greediness, selfishness and superficiality also are accomplished using money as a metaphor. If you won’t give your teen everything you will help him learn work ethic, contentment, patience, responsibility, generosity, and self-control. Who doesn’t want a kid like that?
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | May 18, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Coming alongside your teens instead of enabling them is a gift.
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This is to all the kind-hearted, well-intentioned parents who feel helpless, hopeless and frustrated:
Your teenager is acting up. They might be choosing something they shouldn’t, like smoking something or drinking something. They might seem to be suffering from something, i.e. depression or anxiety. They might be playing endless hours of video games. They might be doing poorly in school or unwilling to get a job. Pick any bad behavior that you’re sick of and add it to this paragraph; it probably applies.
You don’t understand how your child could be making these choices. Why aren’t they motivated? You’ve given them every opportunity. How could they choose to do drugs when you’ve provided them with every alternative? When you were their age you would’ve been thrilled if your parents had been willing to buy you a car-get you a tutor-pay your college tuition-pay for sports. When you’ve give them all this, how come they aren’t responding the way you thought they should be?
Teenagers are at a crossroads where they need to have your guidance to get through difficult situations. They still need you to point them in the right direction. However, they are also desperately trying to figure out who they are. They are trying to find their own way and have their own identity. For that reason they will often reject the advice you give, or choose any direction but the one you’ve offered. One thing is certain though, teens who earn their own way have better self-worth, more motivation, improved understanding of how the world works, and a more mature perspective. These teens also don’t have time to make bad choices.
Without realizing it, you might be enabling your child’s acting out. You might be making things too easy for them. If you lovingly make things harder for them, they are less willing to squander it. Teenagers who have to pay for part of their car tend to keep it cleaner. Teens who have been cut from a sports team hustle more at practice when they do make the team. Teens who have fought tooth and nail to get a C in a class study harder.
Be very intentional about teaching your child how to struggle. I know we don’t like seeing our children struggle, especially in the cases where we can easily resolve it for them. With your teenager it is helpful to put your name on their checking account and help them learn to manage their money. The key word in the last sentence is THEIR. If you put YOUR money into THEIR checking account, they are much more likely to mismanage the gift. If they had to earn it, then they’ll be careful with it. Your adolescent will behave better if you allow them to struggle, but help them to get through the struggle.
This is fine and dandy if your child is still ten, then you have time to course correct and prevent a lot of bad behaviors. However, what do you do if your teen is fifteen, sixteen or seventeen? Carefully inventory where you’re doing more than you should considering their age and abilities. For example, if you’re providing a car to a 19 year old who is barely working and is smoking out all the time, it’s time to reign it in. You might immediately think, ‘But they need the car to get to work.’ Actually, they don’t. You’ll be amazed at how resourceful they can be. They might learn to use the bus system. When you take things back make sure you explain it’s to help the teenager build a sense of independence, self-sufficiency and personal pride; it’s character development. Give them the chance to be proud of themselves.
Now for a quick story:
A couple years ago I had an 18 year old young woman brought to me by her parents after she got into minor trouble with the law for supplying marijuana to minors. She was a good kid in her heart, but she was tempted by the easy way in life. It was beginning to stunt her character development.
I called in dad and mom with the young woman. We had a very frank conversation. I told the parents (nicely of course) that they were enabling this bad behavior. They could not believe it because they grounded her, took her phone, restricted the use of her car, etc. I told them it was my belief that this young woman would flourish if she were forced, but wasn’t going to choose character development on her own. I encouraged the parents to help the young woman purchase her own car in her name, have her pay off her speeding tickets, charge her a little bit of rent, let her pay her own spring semester tuition fees, get her own cell phone, and pay her own insurance.
They listened. Within two months the young woman went from working 10 hours per week to thirty, worked hard in school, and most importantly very proud of herself. She felt capable and confident for the first time in her life. She stopped dealing drugs because she didn’t want to risk everything she’d worked for.
So, if your teen is acting out, check and see if you’re enabling. Sometimes it’s hard to tell. That’s where a really honest friend, family member, or therapist can be extremely helpful. It’s difficult to stop, but it’s a gift to your teen if you let them learn how to struggle and win.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
by Lauren Goodman | Mar 8, 2017 | Parenting Techniques
Love your teens with grace, affection and rules.
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Teenagers are at an age where they are often more consumed with their friends than with their family. Actually, this is just how it appears on the outside. When they were little they liked to snuggle in your lap, and a Friday night with Mom and Dad was as good as anything. Now they want to be with their friends on the weekends, and it doesn’t seem like they really care what you think or feel; this is all a facade.
In the counseling room the majority of clients I work with discuss their families, not their friends. They want approval, love and attention from their parents. When your children were really small, like toddler-small, you probably noticed they were more content to play when you were somewhere nearby. If you were in the same room they were happier than if they couldn’t see you. This is the same for teens, but their “room” is much bigger.
Teens don’t literally need you in the same room anymore, but they still need you to provide them security and safety. When you kindly give a limit, like a 10:00 curfew, you’re saying, “I love you.” They might protest and argue, but they are also secretly glad you care enough to keep tabs on them. When you insist on being hugged before bed each night they might squirm or roll their eyes, but believe me, they secretly like it. When you tell your daughter she’s beautiful, or your son that he’s a great catch, you might get a look of dismissal, but you’ve helped his or her self-image.
Showing love to teenagers is more complicated than it was when your kids were small. You used to be able to pick them up and swing them around. You’d be rewarded immediately with giggles and smiles. Now you pick them up from soccer practice and swing them all over town depending on what extra-curricular activity is scheduled for the evening, and sometimes you don’t even get a thank you. You’re rewarded months or years later when they make a good decision at a party, or when they have the fortitude to push through a hard course in college.
It’s really important to remember that teens are operating on a larger, more independent scale than they did just a few years ago. Your job is to give them all the same things you always have: affection, praise, limits, rules, expectations, and grace. You have to constantly evolve in how you give these things to your teen. They are growing up and maturing very quickly. Just when you think you’ve got it down, they change. When you keep your eye on the end-goal, which is to raise a functional and healthy adult, you won’t fight all the tiny battles. Keeping your eye on the end-goal also helps you to love your teen better. When they go through a period of bad behavior, you’re not as panicked because you know you’re not at the end yet.
Keep on the course and love your teenager with compassion, firmness and affection. Stay with it; the results will show later on.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
