Dads are tremendously important.
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I listened to a talk by Dr. Warren Farrell on boys growing up in our current society. He was insightful and interesting. He has done extensive research and study on the topic of fatherhood. He also commented on what he calls the “boy crisis.” If you would like to view that talk you can access it at https://youtu.be/8vX6345eeq4.
One of the most interesting nuggets of information he shared was that children raised in a mother-only household have ADHD approximately 30% of the time, while children raised in a father-only household have ADHD approximately 15% of the time. He also shared myriad of other facts discussing the importance of fathers in a child’s life. Much of what he said was corroborated by a very important book from pediatrician Dr. Meg Meeker called Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters (a recommended read for dads with girls).
The reason I share this with you today is in my practice over the past 10 years I have noticed teens with highly involved fathers have an easier time recovering from whatever sent them to therapy. Dads have an irreplaceable role in a child’s life. They teach grit and toughness, patience, determination, and delayed gratification better than moms can. Moms have other extremely important roles, so don’t think I mean moms aren’t valuable, but that’s a discussion for another day. My main point is, your child needs his or her dad.
If you are from a divorced family this can be more difficult. A lot of the time mom has been deeply hurt through the process of divorce and can harbor extremely difficult feelings towards dad. It is beyond challenging to set those feelings aside and encourage your child to spend time with his or her father, particularly if you as mom have zero respect for him. With the exception of truly abusive dads, you still have to try hard because your kids will be better off even if you despise him.
Dads, you need to make an effort to spend time with your kids. They learn through osmosis more than through lecture. They need to be around you. You need to be careful to be a man of integrity, kindness and firmness. They don’t need you to coddle them. Even if your wife says you are too hard on them, research shows children benefit from the black and white way dads enforce rules. Be steadfast, consistent and present.
Some of you are in a situation where having a dad around isn’t an option. In that case get a grandfather involved or an uncle. Also, mom, in that case you must double down on teaching fortitude to your children. You have to be aware that pushing them through hard things is what a father usually does, and now you have to play that role. You are tasked with walking the impossible juxtaposition of firmness and softness.
Make today a new day. Be intentional with your children having a lot of exposure to their fathers. Dads, don’t believe everything you hear about masculinity being toxic; research shows your children need you.
Having teens earn their way teaches perseverance. Image credit: freedigitalphotos.net and David Castillo Dominici
I sat with a client in the past week who is just now facing the harsh realization that life requires work. I really felt for this person because things have always been handed to them, and suddenly that is going to stop. This person really doesn’t know how to manage on their own. They are definitely smart enough, but just don’t have the training needed to push through challenges because they’ve never had to struggle; if you don’t struggle as a child or teen then you don’t know how to get yourself through it when you struggle as an adult.
I don’t know how it was for you growing up, but for me, this was gradually taught. From the time my sister and I were small we were required to do a little bit around the house. We grew up in an affluent neighborhood, and our parents could have given us as much as all the other kids got. They made a conscious decision to make us work for things instead. It was incredibly frustrating as a child. I would be invited to a birthday party, and my parents had a rule that I had to pay for half of whatever birthday gift I got for someone. So, while my friends all gave each other designer this and that, I usually was giving them a card with a $10 bill inside (this was the mid-1990s so that was plenty). I was too young to have a job so in order to obtain my half of the $10 bill, I would do extra chores.
When it came time to drive I was required to pay my own gas and insurance but I got to use my parents’ third car. However, as soon as I turned 19 I had to buy my own car. I paid for half of college, and the list goes on and on. Whatever the next obstacle was in life, I was always required to have some skin in the game. Each new thing was a stretch for me. What started with half of a birthday present as a kid became finding a way to come up with $10,000 per year in tuition as a 19 year old (Debt was not an option I was allowed to choose, so I applied to every scholarship I could get my hands on).
Here’s what all this consistent earning my own way did for me: Because the next mountain to climb was always a bit of a stretch for me to afford, I learned a lot of tenacity. I did not quit a job just because I didn’t like something about it. I was careful to choose things with the most value; when it came time to go to college I considered both prestige and price. I pushed myself into better and better work situations. I learned to enjoy activities that are free or low-cost, i.e. surfing and hiking. Most importantly, I learned a lot about gratitude.
While these lessons were painful at times growing up, I am incredibly grateful to my parents looking back. I want nothing more than for your teenagers to be functional adults even if they have to struggle a bit now. I’ve been told there is no better feeling than for an adult child to tell a parent thank you for the discipline they received.
Hard work and accomplishing goals equates to confidence, self-esteem, personal value, and contentedness. Give your teenager the gift of all these things by requiring them to earn part of their way.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Times they are a changin’. Some of these changes don’t bother you as a parent. Other changes make you uncomfortable. You wish you could raise your kids in another era. While I’m sure this is true of all generations, technology and social/moral changes are so rapid now that I hear a lot of nervousness from parents. Here is some advice on this topic:
Occasionally you need to come down hard on your child for a transgression, but if you are doing this daily then you are an ineffective disciplinarian. Sure you might be getting compliance. People will comply out of fear. Given the first opportunity though, they will be passive aggressive as a means of expressing their resentment towards your tyranny. Teens are no exception to this rule. Sometimes they even become just plain aggressive.
If you want to impact their character so that your teenager can make independently moral and upright decisions, then you must discipline by leading. Even better is when you are lead and can then in turn lead your children. When you follow the edicts of your faith (in my household this means the instructions for life given in the Bible), you have a guide that makes it easier to parent. You have something telling you in no uncertain terms what is right and what is wrong. You are told your purpose, how to love, and how to conduct edifying family life. It makes it much easier to take your teenager’s hand and lead him through ups and downs rather than constantly nagging and exasperating him. So, lead well and watch your child shine.
This summer can be amazing with your teenager! You can help him grow and develop his character. You will have to be an intentional parent, but you can do it!
Dad, do you feel irrelevant in her life? Do you feel like she’s only bonded with mom? Do you feel like your daughter doesn’t care what you think, or that she doesn’t want to spend time with you? The research says she needs you. Here’s why:
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
