Help your teen be proud of who they see in the mirror- teach them to be significant. Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net
Today in church I heard a great little tidbit from Pastor Rick Warren. He said, “Seek to be significant, not prominent.” I thought that was extremely applicable to the teenagers here in Orange County. We’re trained to differentiate ourselves, be a leader, and try to stand out from a very young age. The fact is though, there can really only be a few leaders. Everyone else has to be a worker-bee. We need to teach our teens that this is not a bad thing.
I have seen a number of teenagers in my counseling office who are struggling with the fact that they don’t stand out. Sometimes they are frustrated they don’t stand out academically. Other times they wish they could be the best athlete on their team. Still others desperately long to be the most popular teen in their school. They often see themselves as insignificant because they aren’t prominent.
For your adolescent to believe they lack significance because they are not prominent is a fallacy. Significance is something one decides to develop. It’s our job as the parents of our children to help our kids focus on doing significant things. It’s also our job to help them understand that these actions are not usually glorified, or attention-grabbing.
Here’s what I mean: It’s very significant for your teenager to go to a party where everyone else is drinking alcohol but they choose not to drink, and maybe even call you to pick them up. It’s significant for your adolescent to be one of the slower runners on their cross-country team, but they are always positive and cheering on the other runners. It’s significant if your teenager chooses to acknowledge and respect you in front of other kids, even when it’s unpopular. It’s significant if your adolescent volunteers at a soup kitchen on a Saturday morning before all their other friends are up; none of these things garner prominence.
If you work very hard at helping your children make a contribution to this world, and help them understand that for the most part those actions do not get them attention or accolades, you will help raise happy, self-assured, motivated teenagers. You will teach your teen what it means to have humility. You will help your adolescent know how to work hard. You will teach your child integrity and honesty. They won’t mind taking the longer road if it’s the right one. They will be patient, intentional, focused, and able to set long-term goals.
In short, if you teach your teenager the importance of being significant, whether or not that gets them prominence, you will help them develop strong character and inner contentedness.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Teens are consistently short on sleep. Image courtesy of Sira Anamwong at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
School, sports, homework, social life, texting…these are all things that get prioritized above your teenager’s sleep. There honestly is enough time in a day to accomplish all these goals, but barely. If your adolescent isn’t carefully managing his or her schedule, sleep will get put on the back burner.
The average teenager needs to sleep 9 hours and 15 minutes each night! If they have to get up for school at 6:30am, that means falling asleep at 9:15 the night before. For the vast majority of teenagers, this is definitely not happening. They sleep around 6 hours per night during the school week, and then sleep 12+ hours on the weekend.
Here’s the problem with getting inadequate sleep during the week. Your teen is more likely to have depression, irritability, struggle to remember things in school, be less efficient, have a weaker immune system, have more acne, might have weight gain, and lead to an unhealthy diet (people crave more sweets and fats when they’re tired, and they use more caffeine). These are not small issues.
Sleep needs to be one of the top priorities. As a parent it is important to force the issue when it comes to sleep. Insist your teenager gets at least 8 to 8.5 hours of sleep during school nights. This doesn’t mean they lay in bed looking at their phones, it means truly asleep. Do whatever you have to. Many adolescents don’t have the will-power to turn off their devices, or text their friends less often so their homework is finished sooner. It might be up to you to restrict their use.
I have worked with a huge number of teenagers who come into counseling for symptoms of depression. When we get them back on track with their sleep, their symptoms improve rapidly. They feel more energized, are nicer, do better in school, and are overall happier.
I know it’s really hard to tell your kids what to do at this point. However, some things need to be non-negotiable. Help your teenager be his or her best self by getting regular sleep. A great number of parents spend time and money getting their teens treatment for their skin, getting help for depression, getting a tutor in difficult subjects, etc. They forget to try the simplest thing first, which is more consistent sleep.
One challenge adolescents face when dealing with sleep is their circadian rhythm. Adults and small children naturally want to go to bed a little after the sun goes down and wake up a little after the sun comes up. Teenagers go through a phase where they want to stay up late and sleep in late. It’s not just that your child is being irresponsible with their schedule, it’s that their body naturally prefers this schedule. Most high schools though start very early in the morning, making the preferred sleep pattern impossible. As a result a lot of kids stay up really late and then fight with their alarm each morning. this added challenge makes it especially important for you and your teenager to work together to help them get enough sleep during the week.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
If your child is already a teenager then your days with them are numbered. It won’t be long until your teen strikes out on his or her own. At that point your relationships changes. I don’t say this to be a Debbie Downer. I want you to be intentional with your time. I want you to thoroughly enjoy the time you have left with your kids living at home with you.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
In therapy I have many conversations with teens about character qualities they need to develop in order to be functional adults. While conversations are helpful, lessons are better “caught, not taught.” Mom and Dad, you are in a better position to reinforce character development than I am as your teen’s counselor.
Sometimes I have a client come through my office whose parent has an outstanding method for teaching a character trait. When I see this I can’t help but pass it on to you. Lucky for us, this one is truly simple but so effective!
This parent uses money to teach her daughter self-control and self-discipline. She thinks she’s simply creating good money habits in her daughter, but it actually does so much more than that. Check it out:
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
If your teen tells you he/she is LGB or T, there is a lot for you to consider. Your intial reaction is very important. But, if you’ve already reacted, what you say next is still critical.
Your teen has two primary things to accomplish at his age. 1. He needs to find his “tribe.” 2. He needs to figure out his identity. Erik Erikson promoted a developmental theory a long time ago which is still widely accepted in the developmental psychology world. I agree wholeheartedly with his 5th stage, which is called “Identity versus Role Confusion.” Your adolescent is trying to learn about who he is. He needs to understand where he fits, who he fits with, and what his place is in the world. In the process of landing on an identity that works for him, he will try on a few different ones.
This isn’t to say that if your adolescent says she is gay she doesn’t mean it. She very well could be and may never shift from that position. However, in the decade that I’ve done counseling with teens, I’ve seen many teens change their minds about these types of statements as they move into a new temporary identity. This doesn’t just apply to their sexuality; it can be absolutely anything. I’ve seen it range from changing the college major several times to trying out different religions. It’s just what teens do. So, don’t panic when you hear any announcement about an identity that you’re not comfortable with, and don’t celebrate when you hear an announcement about identity you love; be patient because the one constant with teens is change.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
