If your teenage child gives you news that you never saw coming, there is a right and wrong way to deal with it. All of us have a sentence we hope we never hear, or at least aren’t expecting. But, kids are people and the one thing predictable about people is that they are unpredictable. Here’s a suggestion on how to respond:
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Your teenager will end up feeling unfulfilled if the goals he or she is working towards are not actually meaningful. We expend a lot of energy working on goals that prove to ourselves we rank higher than others. We seek to have more money, drive a nicer car, etc. There isn’t anything wrong with nice stuff at all, but have it for the right reasons. Similarly, there isn’t anything wrong with a teen wanting to be a valedictorian, but let’s pursue that for a love of learning rather than simply to say we’re number 1.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Feeling alone and sad can lead to a teen’s thoughts of suicide.
Credit: Flickr/Andrew Schwegler
It’s late in the evening for me (9pm, and yes I know that makes me a whimp), but I had to get some thoughts down for you. This comes from a place of saddness, so bear with me.
You seriously don’t know how long you have with your teen. You think you know, but you don’t. God is in control of the length of your life, and not you. There are things that happen we never see coming and they can hit us like a car driving 60mph straight into a brick wall. The twists and turns that befall a family are unpredictable as the wind, and sometimes these are tragic.
This year I have sat with two teenagers who came to therapy after making serious attempts on their lives. I have sat with countless others who have wanted to end it all. Thankfully none have succeeded.
Parents, this is something that seems to be afflicting our youth with a sickening prevalence. Our teenagers are lost. They cannot understand why their lives seem to be fraught with difficulty when their friends all look so happy online. Many haven’t learned fortitude, and therefore become overwhelmed by their day to day problems. In this digital age they expect instant results. When they don’t feel better immediately, they presume they will be stuck in their depressed state forever; forever is a very long time.
We have a huge responsibility to teach our children how to 1) hope in the dark times and 2) communicate their angst. To address the first point, your child needs to understand that he is created for a purpose. Your child also needs to understand that in no way is he behind if he doesn’t know what his purpose is. Your child needs to know his life isn’t ruined if things don’t go according to plan. Do you know the number of college students I’ve worked with over the years who didn’t get into the college of their choice, and ended up glad to be at their second, third or even fourth choice? Do you know the number of broken-hearted girls I’ve counseled who contacted me years later to say they’ve met their future spouse (and he isn’t that boy from high school)? Your teenager needs to know that life evolves and there is always hope in God.
Regarding point number two, how to communicate angst, teach your adolescents that it is okay not to be okay. This is something you’ll have to model. Maybe you even need to learn this for the first time in your life. Not everyday is good and enjoyable, and that’s just life. Weird, upsetting, stressful things happen…to ALL of us. Sometimes there is nothing wrong, but everything still feels wrong. That is also okay. No, we don’t sit helplessly waiting for someone else to fix our problems. However, we do have to tolerate times where things aren’t right and we’re powerless to change our circumstances. In those times acceptance is a big tool. So please, don’t come home from work throwing things around the house and cursing because your boss is probably cutting you at the next layoff. You cannot control that. Just show that while you don’t like it, you accept it. It does wonders for your watching teenager.
At the end of all this though, realize teens are vulnerable. Even the most happy, popular, athletic kid who seems to have it all going for him is vulnerable. Teenagers have intensely stormy moods at times without the maturity to wait them through. These are the concerning moments; these are the times when impulsivity is a teen’s worst enemy.
So yes, this has been a hard fought year. The 2017-2018 school year was full of difficulties for our teenagers. They were faced with crazy pressure, and are some of the least prepared I’ve ever seen to deal with disappointment. Let’s band together as a community and use our village to help them through. Let’s set our phones down and pay more attention. Goodness knows they need it. And above all else, let’s make sure we’re talking to them enough to know if they feel suicidal. We can’t help if we don’t know.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Help your teen dream about her future (with your guidance).
Credit: freedigitalphotos.net/ David Castillo Dominici
Today I was talking with a client about her college aspirations. She’s already attending community college, and she plans to transfer in a year and a half. She talked about this acceptance rate, and that acceptance rate. She talked about school rankings and prestige. Finally I asked her, “Which school is the best for you, and for what you want to do?” After she obtained clarification on my question, she finally understood I meant for her to tell me what fits her personality while best connecting her in her future field. Her answer surprised even herself.
We began to talk about the theory of the big fish in the small pond. I pointed out that some adolescents thrive on constant competition, but some thrive when they’re highly successful in relation to their peers. I asked whether it is ever wise to go to a school that is easier to get accepted into, but consequently easier to be a stand-out student. She told me that in such a case it would be a lot easier to get connected with internships and to know the professors. She talked about how it would then be possible to get a position in a lab and have strong connections when it comes time to get a job. At the end of all this she said she’s going to think through her college strategy again so she can make a decision that better suits her personal situation.
The point of all this isn’t to advise you on how to pick a college for your teenager. It is to help you and your teenager see that you might be stuck in a rut. Without realizing it you might have bought what you’re being sold by our culture. You always have to stop and ask if the way the majority is trying to do something is actually the best way for your individual situation. Using the college example, just because every high school junior and senior is trying to get into the “best” possible college, does that mean you should too? Just because a vast number of Orange County teens play sports at an intense level, should your teenager do that? We often lose site of our personal big picture when we fall in line with everyone else.
By the way, I’ve fallen prey to this trap many times as well. I don’t want you to read this and think I’m immune. I did the crazy intense sports thing as a teenager, and I did the take every AP class possible at the start of high school. My dad stopped me on both and asked me why I was doing all this. When my answer was, “That’s what all my friends are doing,” he probed a lot deeper. He spent quite a bit of time with me helping me dream and focus. After about a year of these types of conversations it became clear that I eventually wanted to run my own business. He then gently started asking whether the things I was putting my time into were helping that goal. Some things were a yes and some were a no. One thing that was obvious though was that I needed to start working in small business settings. I had to get the lay of the land (even if it was simply as a hostess at a mom and pop pizza joint) because that was training for my future.
It would be another three years before my passion for psychology was discovered, but once that happened I knew there had to be a way to combine my two dreams. For me in my personal journey the top ranked school was far less important than standing out enough to have connections. It wasn’t a realization I came to on my own, but it did help me see past what everyone else was doing.
The bottom line for your teenager is this: Look around and take notice of what their peers are doing. Use that to help you decide how your teen should spend his time and energy, but don’t take it as Gospel Truth. Create the path for your child that makes the most sense for him.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
If you let your teen use your extra car, have them keep it nice.
Image courtesy of samuiblue at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
How do you teach a teenager to be responsible? In some ways they seem like adults, and in other ways they seem like children. It is a very confusing time for parents. Most people know these are crucial years in terms of setting up good habits for the rest of the teenager’s life, but helping them become responsible step by step is very challenging.
Firstly, take stock of what your teenager does well. If your teen is really good about knowing when they have soccer practice, and what each friend is doing on a Saturday night, that is a sign of responsible thinking. That at least shows they have the capability to be organized. Build on this. Maybe you tell your teen to take responsibility for the sports schedule, and that they need to give you a 24 hour head’s up before you need to drive them somewhere. If they forget, take them at your convenience. Don’t drop everything and rush. To be fair though, if they do tell you about needing a ride somewhere with the agreed upon notice, get them there on time. When I was a teen my parents often dropped me off late at practices, games and sometimes even school. It was really frustrating!
Do not give your child an allowance. I know many people think this will help the teen learn to live on a certain number of dollars per day. However, getting an allowance simply because you exist is like getting welfare. Provide your teen an opportunity to earn the money you give them. It’s fine to give them a set amount each week, but it should be in exchange for a set number of completed chores. You also get a set amount of money from your company each paycheck, but you have to earn it; why shouldn’t they live under the same premise? Teaching your teen to work for money motivates them to work harder. It teaches the relationships between working harder and getting paid more, and working smarter and getting paid more. It won’t take your teen long to learn that working for you only pays $5 per hour, so getting a real job that pays $10 is working smarter.
Put your house in order. If you take care of your spouse first, and children second, they will learn responsibility. For single parents of course this won’t apply, and that’s fine. For all parents though, you show your adolescent a lot about responsibility when you keep your home clean, picked-up, and in good condition. Showing your teen that you take care of your possessions helps them see an example of hard work and self-discipline. This goes a long way in teaching your teen to be responsible.
These are just a few examples of how to teach responsibility to a teenager. If you didn’t notice, they all require you to be responsible too. If you work hard, you will pass this along to your kids most of the time. Discipline coupled with sensitivity and love is also absolutely essential. Do not give your teen everything, even if you can afford to do so. As a side-bonus, the more they earn things, the better their self-esteem will be. You know your child best of anyone so figure out ways that work with their personality. Some kids respond really well when they’re paid for As and Bs, and for others this really isn’t a good idea. Teaching responsibility isn’t one size fits all, but it is a must for all.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Getting along better with teenagers
Image courtesy of Ambro at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Last week in my counseling office, a parent asked me, “How do I get along better with my kid?” I thought this would be a good topic for the blog.
Of course there are a myriad of reasons why adolescents and parents argue. I’ve heard the gamut of explanations ranging from hormones to how awful the teen’s friends are. A teen often suggests is that it is the parents. Truthfully, there are always a number of factors contributing to disruption in the parent-child relationship so I don’t want you to read this and feel blamed if you are mom or dad. Disclaimer aside, how might you be contributing to the problem?
Parents, might you be overly critical? You give your child a compliment, but follow it with a criticism. For example, “Kaylee, you look nice today, even if that skirt is a little short.” How often are you doing this to your child? Maybe you’re not saying it, but it’s in your actions. For example, “John, thank you for cleaning up the kitchen so well. You did a great job,” as you’re quickly giving the counter a wipe to get the excess crumbs.
Sometimes, we get so focused on helping our kids fix what isn’t going right that we forget to tell them the things they do well. For example, your son brings home a report card with all As and Bs, but there is one C. You feel very upset about the C because you know he could’ve earned at least a B in that class. Your teenager senses your disappointment and then takes a defensive attitude. Really though, he did well in 5 other classes and that needs to count for something.
So, if you’ve identified the ways you are too critical, what do you do now? How can you give your child loving correction without accidentally demeaning them? Just ask yourself how you’d want to receive correction if you were your child. How would you best learn what is being taught? Don’t forget that you are teaching your teenager how to function as an adult, and the individual situation is often less important than the overall big picture. If you are the dad who is always criticizing the way your kid plays sports, remember the point of sports is to learn how to focus, give your best, keep a good attitude on the field, and respect authority. The point is not to create the next Kobe Bryant; athletes of that caliber have a passion all their own and their parents did not have to force it.
Start serving your child more. This is likely a shock because those of us with children know we are serving our child all day long. We are driving carpool, writing a check for a yearbook, helping to fundraise for the softball team, etc. When I say to serve your child, I am meaning in a more intimate and loving way. One example I can think of comes from a former 15 year old client. One time in session she told me how much she respects and listens to her mom’s opinion. Since this is unusual for a 15 year old, I asked her what her mom does that makes her want to listen. My client told me that her mom is always being thoughtful. She said after track practice her mom picks her up with a plate of chilled salad sitting on the front seat because she knows my client will be both hot and hungry. She knows my client cares about healthy eating and that this kind of snack will help my client avoid eating junk before dinner. This mother is truly serving and considering her daughter. As a result, her daughter feels more inclined to respect her mom’s opinions and beliefs.
So, this week, maybe try two things if you want to get along better with your teenager. Firstly, pay attention to your critical comments. Find a kinder, more empathetic way to say them. Secondly, look for opportunities to serve that are a little above and beyond. It might not work the first time you do it, but if you stick with it for a little while you will hopefully see some changes.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
