Teens who sneak are often unhappy about the mistrust their parents have for them. Image courtesy of Stuart Miles / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
What do you do if you’re one of the unlucky parents who has a sneaky teen? You put very clear rules in place, but your teenager continues to do the wrong thing? A lot of the time you’d even say yes if they’d simply ask, but they sneak anyhow. This is incredibly frustrating for a parent. It’s not that you want to control your teenager- you don’t. You just want a trusting relationship between the two of you. You want them to trust that you will say yes when it’s appropriate, and you want to trust they are doing what they tell you they’re doing.
The first thing you need to ask yourself is why they are sneaking. You may or may not be able to answer this question. If you believe they are sneaking because they are using drugs, having sex, or doing something otherwise dangerous they know you’d put a stop to, address this immediately. For those of you that are pretty certain your adolescent isn’t doing anything dangerous, but is sneaking for some other reason, read on.
Perhaps one reason your teenager is sneaking is because you say no too often. They feel confident you won’t give them any space if they ask for it. They think the only way to have a little room to explore who they are is to go without permission. I once worked with a teen boy who kept saying, “It’s easier to get forgiveness than ask permission.” In his case, he was right. He learned this very quickly and realized it was the only way he was ever going to date, try going to a party, or even get into minor mischief like toilet papering a friend’s house.
Another reason an adolescent could be sneaking is they are engaging in certain activities you wouldn’t approve of. One way that many, many teenagers sneak is with their phones. A lot of teens have smart phones now, and a great number of them download apps you would not like if you only knew they were there. They know you’d make them take the apps off, and they don’t want to.
Whatever the reason(s) your teenager is being sneaky, here are a few ideas you can try to minimize this behavior. The first thing to try is a heartfelt heart to heart chat. This isn’t the situation where you punish them or get angry with them for what they’ve been doing. Instead you talk about how it hurts you not to feel like you can trust your own child. You ask them how they’ve been feeling when you keep getting frustrated with them as you catch them in their lies. You and the teenager put your heads together to come up with a plan that will change this.
If this doesn’t work, you may have to try a less collaborative approach. Warn your teenager this is coming if they don’t start being much, much more honest. Then, outline very clear consequences that will occur if they are caught lying/sneaking. Do this with a lot of love. You don’t need to yell or even have a stern voice. The only thing that is very important is you follow through on whatever consequence you’ve promised to give. Be extremely consistent. Reward them for honesty too.
Your final option is to make their world really small so it’s hard to sneak anything. However, if you do this take care to make sure they don’t start resenting you. You want all consequences you administer to children to make them think about how their action caused this result. You don’t want them thinking, “My parents are such unfair jerks.” They won’t learn anything that way.
Sneakiness is a really challenging character struggle to contend with and correct. You are not alone in your aggravation. Any parent who has dealt with a sneaky teenager feels angry, sometimes scared, and occasionally hopeless. Just try your best to work on what you need to work on, keep loving them well, and be patient as you help them course correct.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Making new, sober friends after rehab is essential. Image courtesy of photostock at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Leaving rehab is usually a celebratory time. People discharge rehab feeling very strong and certain they will not relapse on drugs. They have gone over and over what they need to do in order to stay sober. Any good rehab will warn its clients how easy it is to lapse back into the old lifestyle. Plans are set, barriers against using drugs or alcohol are put in place, and the person goes home.
Now what?
Here are some tips for staying sober:
1. Get plugged in. Find a recovery group that has strong, consistent members. Teenagers often feel awkward about walking into new situations. However, this is truly life or death and it is worth overcoming the embarrassment. Alcoholics Anonymous and Celebrate Recovery are two types of groups that can be very helpful. There is a Celebrate Recovery just for teenagers called The Landing.
2. Find a new hobby. Old habits and activities remind teens of when they used to use drugs or alcohol. New hobbies don’t have the old associations. If you used to get stoned and then listen to loud music, it’s time to hike instead. If these are hobbies where a social group can be joined, even better.
3. Recognize that it is easy to stay sober around sober people. Your teenager no longer has a physical need for their drug because they overcame that in rehab. There will be a psychological attraction to the drug for a long time after the physical need has disappeared. Teenagers who come home and immediately get involved with wholesome kids have a much lower rate of relapse. On the contrary, teens who come home and see old friends have a high rate of relapse.
4. Be honest. Parents, you need to allow your teenagers to tell you if they are having cravings. They need to be able to tell you without you getting really upset. If they can come to you, then you can help them through it. Discuss your plan for this ahead of time. Agree that if they are having a craving you will take them down to the beach and just walk with them, or something like that.
5. Do not assume you are immune to relapse. Teenagers comes out of rehab overconfident. This means they call old friends and sit to the side while friends use. Before long they just take a drag on a cigarette. Then it’s, “I just used pot once. That’s not really a serious drug though.” Quickly they are all the way back into it whatever they went to rehab for in the first place.
Following these 5 tips will really help your teenager keep their sobriety after rehab. It is a challenging thing to do. With the right attitude and focus though, it’s entirely achievable. Probably the most important two tips on this list are the ones discussing social groups. Teenagers are heavily, heavily influenced by peers. Being around clean and sober people makes recovery much easier.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Sexual addiction affects adults and teens alike. Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
More and more teens are engaging in pornography use. The majority of the use seems to be on their phones. Adolescents are very private about their cell phones. It is harder for parents to monitor what they search than when there was a family computer.
According to Covenant Eyes, a company that sells a way to block certain web content from either accidentally coming up, or from coming up as the result of a search, the statistics are unsettling. For teens, a 2010 national study indicated that about 25% of teenagers have viewed nudity online by accident. Over 1/4 of 17 year olds have received a “sext” at some point. 9 out of 10 teenage boys have been exposed to pornography by time they reach college. The same is true in almost 6 out of 10 teen girls.
Recently in my private practice I have been receiving desperate calls from parents whose teen children are addicted to internet porn. The parents feel helpless and frustrated. For starters, there is more shame in admitting you need help to stop a sexual addiction than even a drug addiction. It seems easier for a parent to call me and say their teenager is addicted to marijuana, alcohol, or even methamphetamine than to online pornography.
If your child is struggling with this, or you are struggling with this, the first thing to do is set aside your shame. Shame makes us hide. We feel mortified about something we are doing, or some part of who we are. When we feel ashamed of something, it is very difficult to talk about it. However, getting it out in the open is how healing begins. Think about when you have a wound, it needs to be cleaned out and it needs air to heal. If you hide away your wound then it just begins to spread infection to other parts of the body. Sexual addiction is like that (as are any other addictions). If you don’t discuss it, even if that is incredibly difficult to do, it starts to affect other areas of life; addiction makes the most honest people into liars, the most responsible people into schemers, and emotionally closes off the most open and loving people.
Therapy is one of the best places to talk about sexual addiction. It is confidential and free of judgment. You will not shock your therapist. Your therapist should be able to help you pick a path back to health. This is not easy. Many people assume if you want to stop a sexual addiction then just stop looking at the porn. If it were that simple I doubt anyone would have the addiction. Whether or not the images are viewed, they still exist in your teen’s mind’s eye. It takes a lot of work and time to get to the place where those images don’t pop up each time your teenager thinks about sex.
Patrick Carnes is one of the leaders on treating sexual addiction. He wrote a book called Out of the Shadows that is very helpful for those with addiction, and the people that love them. If you’re reading this because you want help, but you’re afraid to say that out loud, then I recommend you start with this book.
If you or your child is struggling with sexual addiction and you are ready to say that out loud, don’t wait any longer. Go and get the help you or your teenager needs.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
People have a hard time believing marijuana is addictive. Indeed, for many people it is not. It is similar to alcohol in that most people who use it do not become dependent. Most can use it in a social, recreational situation. However, like alcohol, there are some who cannot control their use.
Someone who is addicted to marijuana always says that other people do not understand it. They say it has health benefits, and that it is not an addictive drug. They say of course they could stop if they wanted to. They ignore the irritation of their loved ones, and they ignore the signs that it is a problem. Their productivity is lowered, and their emotional range is blunted. They tend to use it several times per day. It is often the center of their social group.
Heavy marijuana users tend to need it to fall asleep. Their anxiety becomes so high that it is hard to quiet their minds before falling asleep. What is ironic about this is that the majority of people who abuse marijuana claim it isn’t addictive. However, if your teenager needs it in order to get to sleep, their body is dependent on it.
According to drugabuse.gov, 1 in 6 teens who use cannabis end up addicted to it during their lifetime. For those who use it daily, the number skyrockets to 1 in 4. Nearly 1 in 5 teenagers who enter a drug rehab facility go to treatment because they can’t quit using marijuana.
As a therapist who works with teens that have drug problems, I find that the teens who abuse marijuana are initially resistant to the idea they are addicted. This is much more true than the teens who abuse other drugs. I have yet to sit down with an opiate, meth, cocaine, or anxiolytic (such as Xanax) addict who thinks there is absolutely no problem with their drug use. Yes, some of these drug users are in denial about how intense their addiction might be, but they all agree that it would be better to be sober. This is not true with adolescents abusing marijuana. Most of them maintain a moderate level of functioning, so they argue that they’re completely fine. It takes a lot of work to break through a marijuana addict’s denial wall because addiction to marijuana is more subtle.
If this describes your teenager, my heart goes out to you. You might even feel torn about whether marijuana is addictive yourself. One thing that may help you understand is according to http://adai.uw.edu/marijuana/factsheets/potency.pdf, marijuana is 2 to 7 times more potent than in the 1970s. Also, teens tend to smoke the flower buds of the cannabis plant, which is stronger than the leaves previous generations tended to smoke. Many now use “dabs,” which is concentrated THC inhaled through a vape pen. According to justthinktwice.gov, dabs are approximately four times as strong as the highest grade marijuana; they are absolutely addictive. Previous generations also were more likely to begin use in their 20s, but now that is starting 5-10 years sooner.
If this blog is hitting home a little too closely, your teen has possibly begun to have a marijuana dependence. They will argue with you that they feel fine, but it is still a problem behavior. If you want your teen to be engaged, present and productive, then encourage them to quit. If they cannot or will not quit, get them help.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
In the state of New Jersey it has been found that mandating arrested drug offenders to treatment programs instead of jail-time has greatly reduced the repeat offense rate. When a drug-offender simply does jail time the rearrest rate is 54% with a 43% re-conviction rate. When mandated to treatment, the rearrest rate is 16% with an 8% re-conviction rate.
One thing that is rumored to happen in jail or prison is that an addict learns even more about how to be an addict. There are a lot of drug users and dealers in prison/jail, and they educate one another in further delinquent behavior. It is also rumored that there is a pretty significant amount of illegal drugs dealt within the prison system, sometimes making an addiction worse.
Whether you believe our justice system should or should not offer treatment centers as an alternative to jail/prison time, this article is a good example that treatment for addiction can be very helpful. It also demonstrates that who you spend your time around is who you become.
While there’s a good chance your teenager isn’t serving jail time for a drug-related arrest, this article still applies to you. The two important things to get from this is that 1) prisoners who spend time in the main prison population often commit drug-related crimes again and 2) prisoners who spend time around recovering addicts tend to get better.
If your child is acting out and participating in drug use, the most important thing you can do is change their peer group. This is extremely challenging as a parent. How many times have you told Junior, “I don’t like you being around those kids. What about hanging out with so and so instead?” Then you’re rewarded with a dirty look and an accusation that you “hate all my friends.” This is when you need to start thinking outside the box.
If your kid isn’t working, help them find a job. Teens who work develop friendships with their co-workers. A job also takes up time that could otherwise be used to smoke a joint.
Your child might be farther into their drug use than just getting a job to change their peer group. In that case, you’ll have to be more forceful and drastic. Sending your teen to a relative’s house for about 3 months can be extremely helpful. Do you notice that while your teen talks back towards you, they don’t talk back to your sister? They aren’t familiar enough with your sister to do that. It might just work to have them stay with her for a little while. This is only effective if your relative lives far enough away that your teen cannot see the same friends.
If the case is more severe, you’ll have to strongly consider either rehab or teen boot camp. Both of these methods are effective and helpful. I’ve found that teens who go to boot camp tend to come back a little bit stronger than rehab. However, in no way am I claiming to have completed a study on the matter. Each rehab and each boot camp are different. What works well with one type of teen may not be the ideal fit for another type of teen.
The bottom line is, teenagers begin to act like the people they are around. Getting your struggling teen around successful teens tends to improve the decisions your teenager makes. Just like the prisoners in this article, everyone needs someone who will show them an alternative, positive way out. For teens the most important thing is that they think it is their idea. This is your chance to be a creative parent and covertly help your teenager come up with a good idea for how they can start making changes.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Binge watching on a regular basis can be an addiction.
Entertainment streaming addiction is so prevalent among
teens (and people across the United States for that matter) that it’s almost
hard to recognize. Most people are watching
hours of Youtube videos, Netflix, or Hulu each day. Because a great number of
people are doing it, it starts to seem acceptable. However, I challenge you to think about how
any “addiction” is defined. This will
help you decide if your adolescent might have streaming addiction.
Addiction means needing more and more of something to feel
satisfied, while feeling some form of withdrawal when it is taken away. Has your teenager spent increasing amounts of
time watching videos of some sort? If
you took all devices from them so they could not stream anything, would they be
irritable? Would it go beyond
irritability? Would they become
despondent?
Many people thinl addiction is only possible if drugs or
alcohol are involved. They assume you
need to go through physical withdrawals for something to qualify as
“addiction.” While the withdrawals from
substances add danger to the withdrawal process, my experience tells me people
get addicted to all kinds of things ranging from gambling to pornography to
entertainment streaming.
The other element of addiction is whether it is leading to
atrophy in other areas of life. Is your
teenager spending an inordinate amount of time sitting or lying down in order
to watch a screen? Is your teen
struggling to get enough sleep because of hours lost to binge watching? Has your teenager socialized less and less
frequently with friends, preferring the company of a series they are
watching? Is your teenager’s favorite
activity with you to watch a certain TV series together? If you answered yes to these questions, then
their life is out of balance because of entertainment streaming overload.
I encourage you to begin limiting your adolescent’s time in
front of a screen. According to Common
Sense Media, teenagers are in front of a screen an average of nine hours per
day. Think about that! Nine hours per day! I PROMISE you they don’t have nine hours of
homework per day, which means a lot of that screen time is unproductive. Try putting a monitor on their devices just
to make them aware of it at first. Most
people don’t want to be someone who does nothing but watch shows, they just
don’t realize how much they’re doing it.
If they are made aware of how much screen time they accumulate each day,
that might be enough for them to pare back.
If this doesn’t impact their screen use, then you will have
to consider cutting the cord. A lot of
parents are hesitant to end a Netflix subscription because they also enjoy streaming. But, being a parent has always meant doing
things you don’t feel like doing. When
your kids were little you probably didn’t want to watch The Little Mermaid for the 100th time, yet you did it
because it made them smile. You may not
want to give up Netflix in the house, but you can do it because it’s best for
your kids’ growth and development.
Once your teenager is through the initial withdrawal period
they will suddenly reappear around the house.
You will see your teen in the family room more often. They will reengage with other
activities. It’s hard to imagine
anything past their initial anger at first.
After a week or two though they usually start to enjoy things again.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
