High school dating poses challenges for every teen. Photo credit: stockimages and freedigitalphotos.net
Dear teenagers,
Dating in high school is a challenge no matter who you are. You might be the captain of the cheer team, and have more dating opportunities than you want. You might be the guy who is so shy you can’t talk to a girl even if it’s just to ask what the homework assignment was. You might be the serial dater who always has a long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. In every single situation there is heartache, struggle, excitement, hope, and everything in between.
Here’s some things I’ve heard from clients along the way that they wish someone would’ve told them about high school dating. First of all, it’s not as big of a deal as it seems like it is. We’ve all watched movies where there is this perfect high school love full of firsts. There’s a first kiss, first high school dance, first time in love, etc. It makes it all sound very romantic. What my clients who are older than you would want you to know though is that your firsts happen when they happen. There is no set timeline to life that really makes something more special if it happens earlier than later. In fact, oftentimes it is more special if it does happen later because you will be mature enough to handle and appreciate it.
Another thing they would want to make sure you know is not to invest too much into your high school crush. I have sat with many, many girls and boys who end up disgusted because they had sex with someone they thought they loved, but can no longer stand. I have sat with many others who chose to wait and ended up glad because the relationship didn’t last. I have sat with lots of other clients who wished desperately to have the opportunity to date that one person they’ve liked school year after school year, but then they met the right person later on and were totally content.
A third piece of wisdom I’ve heard from my clients who are now finished with high school is that “hooking up” without commitment is a sure way to end up upset. Despite what you might think, it cannot be done without emotional involvement. Maybe you’re not the one with the emotions, but the other person certainly will be. There is no such thing as casual intimacy. That causes jealously, self-loathing, anger and almost always ends a friendship. There is a high level of respect you gain from others and from yourself if you simply don’t engage in this behavior without some type of commitment.
Finally, for those of you who don’t seem to have a handle on how to talk to the opposite sex yet, please don’t be down on yourself about it. We all mature in different ways at different times. There are tons of people out there who only date once, because that person is their future spouse. Maybe that’s you. If it is, I envy you. From the perspective of someone who is happily married, if I could’ve avoided all the heartbreaks and mistakes along the way to meeting him, that would have been just fine by me.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
The social aspects of school are difficult. They often leave teens feeling overwhelmed and nervous. It is hard to navigate being in middle or high school when it feels difficult to make and keep friends.
Help reduce anxiety for your teens with a simple grounding exercise. I quickly demonstrate it in this short video. You will want to walk them through this more slowly, but you will easily understand the concept.
Taking tests can really scare some teens. Image courtesy of Arvind Balaraman at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Taking tests is a miserable process for a lot of teenagers. They feel nervous, overwhelmed, and stressed out. There is a lot of pressure to do well, but it is really hard for some people to relax enough to let their mind work.
Here are some tips and tricks that can help:
1. Priming. I put this one first because it is one of the most important things to improve test scores that nobody does. A study came out that shows when adolescents spend 5 minutes writing down adjectives that describe what they think of when they imagine a Harvard professor right before they take a test, they score better by 10% or more on that test. Your teenager will spend a little bit of time writing down words like “brilliant, smart, intelligent, and bright.” After they spend 5 minutes doing this they’ve primed their brain to “think smart.” This means they are overriding the negative assumptions they have about their own test taking abilities.
2. Effective Studying. The vast majority of people spend time studying everything they need to learn for an exam. They actually tend to focus on what they already know or understand even though this is a subconscious action. They do this because it’s what feels comfortable. However, effective studying means spending virtually no time on what is already understood, and a lot of time on the challenging concepts. Your teenager does not need to review every section of the unit for their exam. Your teenager needs to spend time on their more shaky areas. It’s actually a waste of time to look over things they learned in class where they feel competent.
3. Study Timing. We’ve all heard this one before so bear with me if it’s a repeat. It is far easier to retain information if it is studied for up to one hour per day for a week before a test than if it’s studied for hours the day before. Cramming simply doesn’t work. For one a teenager who is cramming has more anxiety, which blocks his ability to effectively remember information. This takes self-discipline, but it also takes the yucky feelings out of taking tests.
4. Sleep. Your child needs 8-9 hours of sleep the night before a test. This is more important than studying until 2am. Our ability to retain, recall and utilize information is very, very directly linked to enough sleep. When we’re tired studying is almost a complete waste of time, and especially when compared with the benefits we are getting from sleep.
5. Association. If your teenager walks while they study, even slowly, their recall improves dramatically. Of course this isn’t possible for every subject, but walking while reviewing flashcards, or listening to a recording of the information they need to learn (anyone can do this by downloading a recording app onto their phone and then reading key passages from their textbook and notes), associations are made. Your teen will subconsciously pair a certain tree with a certain phrase because as they were walking past it they were learning about a specific thing. For example, your teenager might be listening to something about the Revolutionary War while they walk past your mailbox. When it comes time to take their test and they can’t quite recall that specific fact, if they picture the mailbox the fact will probably come to them. Isn’t it fascinating that the human mind works that way?
Try these five steps with your teen. If you change nothing else, have your child get more sleep and spend the 5 minutes priming before the exam. This should help them with their test-taking abilities. It should also improve their confidence, therefore reducing their anxiety.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
I had a client who was a mediocre student. Her parents worked really hard to help her improve her academics. They studied with her. They paid for tutors, and even obtained a 504 plan from the school district. Things got a little bit better for her, but not significantly relative to the extra time and money spent on better study habits. When she started counseling the VERY FIRST thing we had her do is start giving herself the opportunity to sleep 8.5 hours per night. Of course she might not actually be asleep that long, but if she’d go to bed lights and electronics off 8.5 hours before she had to get up, at least she had the opportunity to sleep enough. Within two weeks her mood and academic performance improved far more than anything else she’d tried.
A couple months later she had a musical theater performance through her high school. Anyone involved in high school theater knows the week before and the week of the show a student cannot even consider coming home before 10pm. For those two weeks she got inadequate sleep. For the next while her academics suffered again until she was sleeping more.
Why do I share this girl’s story with you? Getting enough sleep is a HUGE part of your child’s success in school. Please make sure their time to rest is carefully guarded. For that matter, please make sure you also have good habits around sleep. You’ll be a better parent, employee, spouse, etc.
Heading back to school can be scary for some teens Image courtesy of digitalart at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
This is a time of year when I suddenly get an upswing in calls from parents worried about their teenager’s anxiety level. Right around the time kids have to go back to school, things start to stress them out. It makes sense, they are about to have social and academic pressure again after three months of relaxation time.
Here are some things you can do to help your teenager reduce their stress as school starts back up:
1) Help them go into school with an academic plan. Some teens are anxious about school because they work really hard in school, and they anticipate too much homework. Other adolescents are anxious about starting school again because they don’t work hard enough, and they fear poor grades. Some kids need help understanding how to work smarter instead of harder. Other kids need help learning how to study effectively.
2) Talk about any social pressures they might feel. For a great number of middle and high school students, there are intense worries about fitting in. They really want to be liked. Some even wish to be popular. For other teenagers, there is anxiety around dating. It’s different for each one, but it will increase as school gets started again.
3) Some adolescents worry about how they’ll get along with you when school starts again. All summer you’ve been letting them hang out with friends, go to bed late, and haven’t asked too much of them. You might have asked them to do a couple chores, but that’s the extent of it. Now you’ll be back to checking on them daily about if their homework is complete, telling them to get off their phone and get to sleep, and waking them up early every morning. When you have to force a teenager to follow a schedule they don’t care for, it’s bound to create some battles. In general, I encourage you to turn over as much of this to your child as is appropriate for their age and maturity. If it’s up to your teen to wake up for school, your role changes from irritating parent to sympathetic parent.
4) Some teens get anxiety about how bored they will be sitting in class. It’s tough to sit for 6-8 hours per day listening to someone talk about things that don’t interest you. It’s easy to make it through some classes, but others are dreadful. I used to feel this way about math. It was complete torture to sit through two hour block classes of geometry. I found it very dull. I was definitely in a worse mood on days I had math. While there isn’t much you can do about this, you can certainly let your teenager know you understand how they feel. Sometimes that is enough to help them feel better.
I guess most of what I’m saying is to talk to your teen about the start of school. Sometimes their anxiety shows up in other ways. They might tell you they’re suddenly stressed about their sports team, friends, death, or you name it. A lot of times though, underneath all this is a worry about going back to school again. If you can help them recognize this, you can work together to take steps to help control it.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
