Every teen feels concerned with what others think, especially about looks. This can’t be helped. It’s part of human nature.
This week I felt like a teenager because of a big, crazy set of stitches on my lip that look like a really bad cold sore. Everywhere I went it felt like people were starting and were grossed out. Watch this video and see for yourself what ultimately happened.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Dreading school can make life miserable for a teenager.
Image courtesy of luigi diamanti at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
For some teenagers, school is exciting. They cannot wait to see friends, and really don’t even mind being in class. If you’re reading this though, that is probably not your kid.
For a lot of adolescents, Monday is the worst day of the week. Going to school is terrifying. This can be for different reasons. For some kids the pressure of homework, tests, and getting up early is overwhelming. For most teenagers though, the anxiety associated with school is social. It is hard for some teens to imagine that anyone will be excited to see them. All they can picture is either being teased, or being ignored as the other kids excitedly greet one another.
As a parent who loves your kid, and most likely thinks the world of your kid, what do you do? When you see their heart breaking because they just don’t feel comfortable or confident, it breaks your heart too. We all revert to one of two attempts to help our children.
The first thing you might be doing is trying to solve it. You might be telling your child how to make more friends (or how to offend less people depending on your perspective). You might say things like, “Just walk in smiling. That always makes a person more attractive to others.” You might offer to let your kid have a party, or you might buy your teen the latest clothing trends. Realistically though, are you making a huge impact in this way? Your children’s feelings on the inside won’t have changed much, and this reflects outwardly to the other students.
The second approach might be to diminish your teenager’s concerns. You might tell them things like, “I bet more people like you than you think.” You might also tell them they are imagining it, etc. Here you are near the right track, although not quite on it. You need your teenager to be the one who says, “You know, I bet more people like me that I realize,” instead of you telling them. How in the world do you accomplish this?
The techniques I’m going to offer you aren’t foolproof, but they’re worth a try. Firstly, try telling a story about yourself at that age. Make sure it’s a story where you felt similarly. If the end of the story is that you were better liked than you realized, then include that. However, don’t make it up. If the end of the story is that you really weren’t very well liked in high school, leave it there. At the very minimum your child will feel understood; that is primarily what they are seeking when they talk with you about school related anxiety. This will help them to feel a little better because they will know they are not alone.
The next thing you can try is having your teenager examine the facts. Tell them, “We are going to look at both sides of this and then come to a conclusion.” Have them first tell you hard evidence that proves they are correct in their assuming people don’t like them at school. Do not allow things like, “I just know it,” or “Jennie likes Carmen better than me now.” Next make your teenager tell you why they are liked. Believe me, unless your child smells, is rude or never brushes their teeth, someone is friendly toward them.
If the anxiety stretches beyond basic nervousness, also consider getting a little extra help. Counseling tends to work very well on school-related anxiety. You can always start with what’s free. Put a call in to your teen’s school counselor. If you’re not comfortable with that, or the school counselor doesn’t help, then it’s probably time to call a licensed therapist.
It is my hope your teen has an amazing school year. I hope they learn in the classroom, and grow as an individual. Every year is a new chance for your child to blossom.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman
High school dating poses challenges for every teen.
Photo credit: stockimages and freedigitalphotos.net
Dear teenagers,
Dating in high school is a challenge no matter who you are. You might be the captain of the cheer team, and have more dating opportunities than you want. You might be the guy who is so shy you can’t talk to a girl even if it’s just to ask what the homework assignment was. You might be the serial dater who always has a long-term boyfriend or girlfriend. In every single situation there is heartache, struggle, excitement, hope, and everything in between.
Here’s some things I’ve heard from clients along the way that they wish someone would’ve told them about high school dating. First of all, it’s not as big of a deal as it seems like it is. We’ve all watched movies where there is this perfect high school love full of firsts. There’s a first kiss, first high school dance, first time in love, etc. It makes it all sound very romantic. What my clients who are older than you would want you to know though is that your firsts happen when they happen. There is no set timeline to life that really makes something more special if it happens earlier than later. In fact, oftentimes it is more special if it does happen later because you will be mature enough to handle and appreciate it.
Another thing they would want to make sure you know is not to invest too much into your high school crush. I have sat with many, many girls and boys who end up disgusted because they had sex with someone they thought they loved, but can no longer stand. I have sat with many others who chose to wait and ended up glad because the relationship didn’t last. I have sat with lots of other clients who wished desperately to have the opportunity to date that one person they’ve liked school year after school year, but then they met the right person later on and were totally content.
A third piece of wisdom I’ve heard from my clients who are now finished with high school is that “hooking up” without commitment is a sure way to end up upset. Despite what you might think, it cannot be done without emotional involvement. Maybe you’re not the one with the emotions, but the other person certainly will be. There is no such thing as casual intimacy. That causes jealously, self-loathing, anger and almost always ends a friendship. There is a high level of respect you gain from others and from yourself if you simply don’t engage in this behavior without some type of commitment.
Finally, for those of you who don’t seem to have a handle on how to talk to the opposite sex yet, please don’t be down on yourself about it. We all mature in different ways at different times. There are tons of people out there who only date once, because that person is their future spouse. Maybe that’s you. If it is, I envy you. From the perspective of someone who is happily married, if I could’ve avoided all the heartbreaks and mistakes along the way to meeting him, that would have been just fine by me.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
The social aspects of school are difficult. They often leave teens feeling overwhelmed and nervous. It is hard to navigate being in middle or high school when it feels difficult to make and keep friends.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Help reduce anxiety for your teens with a simple grounding exercise. I quickly demonstrate it in this short video. You will want to walk them through this more slowly, but you will easily understand the concept.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
