Being a contented teen is a learned skill. Image courtesy of imagerymajestic at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Do you have a high achieving teen? Awesome! It’s so nice for those of you who parent teenagers that compulsively do all their homework, keep up in sports or other extra-curricular activities, and generally try to do the right thing.
These are also usually the kids who have a touch more anxiety than their peers. Sometimes they have quite a bit more anxiety. Teaching them to be content (but not complacent) is a tough task.
Contentedness means having gratitude for the gifts God has given you. It means being thankful for the body you have, your status in life, the family you have, and the friends you’ve made. It means knowing where you are naturally more talented, and not being mired in disappointment over the areas where you’re not. If you are a great athlete, but struggle in school, you embrace this. It doesn’t mean you quit trying in school, it just means you accept that it’s tough for you. It means you seek extra help when needed. It also means you don’t resent people that find school easy.
For the parent of a high achiever, you have a huge challenge. If your adolescent is the “typical” high achiever, then he or she expects to be the best at everything. Your son expects to be the best athlete, student, more popular, etc. Your daughter expects to be in the best shape, get accepted to the best college, and have straight A’s. Anything less causes your teenager to feel inadequate and frustrated.
Help your teen know their strengths. Help them develop those strengths. Help your teen accept natural weaknesses. Teach your teen over and over again that most people are good at a few things, bad at a few things, and average at everything else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.
When I see teenage clients in therapy who are struggling with anxiety, the first thing I assess is how well they are functioning in life. If they are accomplishing a lot, but still not happy, we begin to work on gratitude and contentment. I use the counseling process to help them continue to cultivate their drive for success, but with a different motive. Instead of comparing to others and then feeling less than, I want the teen to appreciate their exceptional abilities, average abilities and weaknesses.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Stress is overwhelming for teens. Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
These are in random order:
1. The news: Your teenagers are susceptible to the scare tactics used by the media just as much as everyone else. What I mean by scare tactics is that bad news and anxiety cause people to continue watching the news. In my office I have worked with many a terrified teenager after they read about a school shooting thousands of miles away, or the war on terror, etc. The 24 hour news cycle about COVID-19 is sending many of your kids into panic.
2. Problems with friends: Friends are your teenager’s world. As a parent you likely have enough perspective to realize things will iron out. However, for your adolescent, when things are off balance with friends their whole world seems upside down.
3. Pressure to get good grades: This is a constant source of anxiety for just about every teenager I see in my office. Most teenagers feel they need to do better than they are doing, even when they have a 3.5 or 4.0 GPA. Help your teen set reasonable goals and then be satisfied when these are reached. Help them remember there’s only one valedictorian each year.
4. Parents expressing disappointment: Your teenager might act as though he or she doesn’t care that you are disappointed in something they did. This couldn’t be father from the truth. Every teenager I’ve ever worked with wants their parents to approve of him or her. However, if they don’t know how to get this approval, or if they perceive you as being regularly critical, they are more stressed.
5. Dating: Navigating the world of dating and sexuality is very challenging for a teenager. Whether they are painfully shy and hardly allow themselves to have a crush, or are dating constantly and sexually active, this causes stress for adolescents. It’s really important to help your teen make wise dating choices during their adolescence. Keep in mind that if they aren’t getting help from you, they’re getting it from other teenagers. Who is more likely to give good advice? So, please don’t put your head in the sand and please don’t forbid dating. That only causes your teenagers to sneak. Instead put good boundaries around dating and monitor it as best you can.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Your heart is racing. You’re sweating. Your hands are tingling. You’re struggling for breath. You feel dizzy and queasy. Your body is so out of control you feel certain you’re having a heart attack.
The number of visits to the emergency room because of a panic attack that feel like a major medical event is staggering. According to psychiatryonline.org there are approximately 1.3 million visits to the ER each year because of severe anxiety.
The good news is that Panic Disorder is treatable. Panic attacks can be reduced in frequency and severity with cognitive behavioral therapy (and sometimes an accompanying medication). One of the steps your cognitive behavioral therapist will take you through is a set of interoceptive exercises. I speak a little bit about this process here:
You know that feeling you have the night before a school week? I get that feeling too. I think I’ve got the trick to get past it and hopefully it will help you too!
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Every teen feels concerned with what others think, especially about looks. This can’t be helped. It’s part of human nature.
This week I felt like a teenager because of a big, crazy set of stitches on my lip that look like a really bad cold sore. Everywhere I went it felt like people were starting and were grossed out. Watch this video and see for yourself what ultimately happened.
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
