Social anxiety is really hard for those who deal with it. There is nearly a feeling of panic each time an uncomfortable social situation arises. This can range from meeting new friends, to attending something with a large group of people, to a fear of being negatively evaluated during some type of performance. In each case the fear is very intense and totally overwhelming.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Panic is overwhelming and terrifying.
Source: Panic Disorder, Mental Illness Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/panic-disorder#ixzz1p2zuo1rq
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com
Panic Disorder is miserable for the teens and adults who deal with it. Panic attacks can be so frightening that people truly think they might be having a heart attack or dying. Many cause severe enough physical symptoms to land someone in the emergency room. If your adolescent is dealing with panic attacks, they need some help. This means for whatever reason, their anxiety has moved beyond their control. Try your best to be really sensitive to them, and yet don’t allow them to start avoiding places they would normally go. Although that feels better in the moment, it increases anxiety overall.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Anxiety sucks! It’s not fun to constantly worry. Here is one basic thing that can help:
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Here are some tips for anxiety management. It’s a good topic for today because I am having an anxious kind of day (yes, even therapists get anxious).
A peaceful place
1. It’s not as bad as you think it is. Truly. You are worrying about something that is very unlikely to play out exactly the way you think it will. Things usually go better than we predict.
2. Be in the moment. If you’re anxious then you are likely living in the future. If you just choose to exist in the moment, you will find there are things to be grateful for right now. If you are asking, “What if?” about some upcoming situation, you are missing out on “right now.”
3. Do not panic. You have more time to think through and act than you realize. If you are experiencing test-taking anxiety for example, even during the exam you have 60 seconds to close your eyes and breathe. If you are worried about what to say to your friend after an argument, you have time to write out your thoughts before you see your friend.
4. Respond thoughtfully. One thing that makes us anxious is a sense of urgency. We believe we must respond immediately to a text message, email, or phone call. This is simply untrue. Taking an extra 5 minutes to think through what you will say can calm your anxiety.
5. Do something enjoyable. I know this sounds very cliche. However, it’s over-suggested because it has a lot of merit. It’s hard to be anxious when you’re sitting in the sun with a glass of lemonade.
6. Bounce your concern off someone honest. Don’t call a friend who always tells you everything will be fine because you won’t know whether or not you can believe them. Call that friend who is very candid. If they tell you it’s fine, you will feel better. If they agree that it’s not fine, they will give suggestions on how to make it better.
7. Remember to breathe. Deep, slow breaths are the complete opposite to anxious breathing. If you can take deep, slow breaths then your brain registers relaxed feelings.
8. Force a smile. This is for the exact same reasons as number seven. It is incongruous with anxious feelings.
9. Do something for someone else. When we’re overly anxious, we’re often worried about ourselves. We’re not too focused on others. Doing an act of service really helps other people feel cared for, and helps you feel better.
10. I saved the best for last. The thing that is most helpful for me is prayer. Giving up my fear or concern to God, who knows more and has more control than I ever will, and who has my best interests in mind, is a huge relief.
Now, don’t you feel a little better? I know I do!
Most of you already have heard these things. If your teenager has anxiety you’ve probably asked them to try some of these things. It takes a little while and it takes practice. We’re not usually good at things until we work at them. One of the things therapy does that is helpful for teenagers is forces repetition of coping skills. A lot of teens will try something once, say it doesn’t work, and then not give it another shot. A counselor is kind of like your anxiety-reduction coach. If you’re not at the point where you think therapy is needed, try and encourage your adolescent to work at anxiety-reduction skills over and over until they really can do it.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Volunteering helps your teen’s physical and mental health. Credit: Wikimedia/free-images.com
The benefits to volunteering are innumerable. For your teenager they are essential. Many of us automatically think of how great it looks on college applications to have a teenager who volunteers. However, there are reasons it’s good for your child that span from work-ethic to physical health. Research does nothing but support the idea of your teen spending some selfless time to benefit others.
This past week my family did something out of our comfort zone. We hosted a pastor who was attending a conference at our local church. If I’m being totally honest it was inconvenient. We had to let the kids camp out on our floor, actually keep the house picked up, make a little bit of extra food, and stay up later than usual (One of my kids wakes me at 5:30 every morning so the only hope of enough sleep is an early bedtime).
Despite this, it was a great experience! It was really, really good for every single member of my family to be inconvenienced for someone else’s benefit. It helped us get exposed to another perspective too. This pastor has a significantly less materialistic lifestyle than we do. He cares more about the needs of those around him than his own safety or comfort. I would have told you I was like that too, but that would have been wishful thinking. It is really good for us to contrast how we live with the way other people live. It is even better for us to give up something for someone else.
When it comes to your teenagers it does them a lot of good to get past their own comforts and concerns. Teens I’ve worked with who have been exposed to significant poverty or need tend to have a lot more gratitude. Those who have simply been sheltered in the OC Bubble are often self-centered. They don’t mean to be, but they are worried about brand-names and image.
Teens who volunteer work harder. They tend to care about something with some amount of passion. They don’t feel their own personal future is the only thing that matters. They also feel more empowered. Teenagers who volunteer are less likely to see themselves as victims. They know changes can be made so they don’t sit back helplessly when they see something they don’t like.
The point of all this is to say that your teenager will benefit greatly from selflessness. One of the most productive ways to be selfless is to volunteer at something that really matters. Help your teenager choose a cause that isn’t simply whatever fills the amount of volunteer time suggested by a college counselor, but something that actually matters to him or her.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Youth sports have positives and negatives.
Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Depending on where you live this may or may not be relevant to you. Here in Orange County, California, youth sports are competitive. It’s pretty tough to make the Little League All-Star team. It’s intense if you play club soccer, especially if you’re on the 1st team for your age group. High schools use various methods to recruit football players to their school, even outside of their school district.
A huge number of parents have their kids in one, two or sometimes three very intense athletic programs. They have a running coach, private lessons, strength and conditioning work-outs, and year around leagues to compete in. Weekends are dominated by travel for games. If there are two or three kids in the family the parents are often split up at two different athletic events on Saturday AND Sunday. Sometimes there is travel involved. There is always an expense involved.
I played club soccer growing up, which took up most weekends of the year. When I wasn’t playing soccer I was playing softball. Once I got into high school I also added field hockey into the mix. In high school I took honors and AP classes too. At the end of 10th grade though it all came crashing down. Apparently I wasn’t cut out to have a rigorous academic schedule and 3-5 hours of sports per day. After a pretty extended period of illness, I finally threw in the towel and played one sport. I cut back to one or two AP classes per year. The other parents and a lot of my friends thought I was crazy. They would say to me things like how would I get a scholarship for college now?
Ask yourself what your goal is if your child is intensely playing sports. Are they really, truly talented enough to make the top professional level, where only the tiniest sliver of athletes get to play? Do they love the sport so much that you can’t stop them from practicing extra even if you tried? Or, are they complaining about practices? Are they saying they feel tired, and struggle to complete all their homework? Do they say they wish they had more time with friends?
Around here many of us lose the forest for the trees. The goal of youth sports is for kids to learn cooperation, work-ethic, make friends, have fun and get a little exercise. It’s part of how we help them build character. Once they show a little promise though we often forget these goals. Instead we are whisking them to practices, spending thousands of dollars and traveling all over the Southwest United States. We are not spending relaxed time at home with our family all together.
Highly competitive youth sports is adding stress and anxiety to your child’s life. It isn’t giving them the release you think it is. On top of that, many adolescents are now developing injuries that used to only be seen in professional athletes. Some spend a lifetime dealing with the problems caused by those injuries. In fact, out of the friends I have who played collegiate level sports, three are healthy and five have chronic, lifelong injuries. Four of those injured five have had surgeries to try and repair the injuries, and one has had three surgeries.
The point of this blog isn’t to condemn youth sports. I think they’re wonderful…in moderation. They just shouldn’t take priority over faith, family, academics or physical health. Please carefully consider your teenager’s future health and current well-being if they play competitive sports. Please also consider your family’s quality time. With that in mind I trust you can make the best decision for your family as a whole.
Helping teens grow and families improve connection,
Lauren Goodman, MS, MFT
Hello, I’m Lauren! If you notice your teen struggling, you might be feeling helpless, hopeless, frustrated or concerned as a parent. Try to remember, there is hope. I want to help your adolescent feel better. My hope is for them to enjoy their life again. I want them to feel confident they can handle whatever situations arise.
